Bastards....

Fox cancelled Reunion. And they aren't telling us who the killer is. So now I have to live my life wondering who killed Sam.

And in a further genius move they forgot to leave time in the spring schedule for Prison Break. So now I have to wait until MAY 2006 for the last nine episodes. You would think they would be smart enough to put those in Reunion's vacant spot but no, Fox is to vindictive and mean.

I hate Fox. They will be punished for this.

Sunday boring Sunday

I love Sundays and I hate 'em at the same time. Sunday mornings are for coffee and the NYT (specifically the Job Listings and Book sections). Sunday nights = bunk (which is my new word so get used to it even if you hate it). TV is crap after GA and then what am I to do?

So I decided to DVR a movie. I heard Muriel's wedding was funny. Um, you all are lying bastards. I thought it was sad. P.S. Don't read on if you don't want the plot spoiled. Her one friend who had any semblance of a fun life gets spinal cancer. It was like a punishment for having sex with two hot sailors. And Muriel...what the hell is wrong with her? She's socially special and leaves the one guy who shows any interest. And he's hot too. To be single? I hope not. Maybe Muriel, excuse me Mariel as she changes her name like 9 times in the movie, doesn't have the same issues in Sydney that we single girls face in New York. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just asking for one, just one, normal person to approach me when I'm out. But apparently that's just to much to ask. Those chicks on Sex and the City made it look easy. They lied.

On another note, Arsenio Hall is making a personal appearence in my hood this week. At McDonald's. I'm serious. Even weirder, the Wayon brothers were at my Blockbuster this spring. Wow, people really hold onto that last thread of fame. Sad really. I wish other former famouses would do that. Like Budnick from Camp Anawanna AKA Salute Your Shorts. I would turn out for that. Or maybe Ian Ziering will be at Applebee's next week. Man that would be awesome.

It's official....

Heath is now a baby daddy. Michelle Williams and he are now parents of a baby girl named......Matilda. I wonder if she has magic powers. Anyway, I think I can handle a man with a baby. Britney did it. And look at her...

oh well, guess he's gone forever.

Thanks!

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday a special event! I had a great time and appreciate all the well wishes! Be proud, I'm growing up and I didn't do anything too stupid!

Special Pre-OLD edition

Yes I know. I haven't posted in forever but I deserve the slack because I've been too damn busy with school.

Now as for the title of this post, I am turning 24 in a week. Yes, 24. Like the Keifer Sutherland mid-season goto on Fox. 24, just sounds old. It will be a coming of age year for me. No more student loans to pay my rent. No more excuses to be unemployed. No more excuses for eating Lucky Charms (although I think I am crafty enough to find some).

But, as a true fabulous New Yorker. I will celebrate. Celebrate I will among a bar full anonymous 20-somethings. Want to come? Be at Crime Scene (really the name of the place) on Bowery on Saturday night. I'll be the drunk girl.


Now, back to business:

1. The boy...umm I think I need Heidi Klum to help me with this one. I tried. I really did. But I just can't be with someone just to be with someone. See, I really am a grown up. But I also don't want to hurt his feelings. Maybe I'll keep trying to feel something, anything. Which will still be fruitless because my heart is so obviously with someone else (DAMN YOU HEATH LEDGER! j/k).

2. Lost. Yes I love the show. But like Katie Holmes (more on my friend "Kate" later) I hate it too. I need more info. I just don't get where this plot is going. I'm more lost than an acid-tripping hippie watching Labyrinth on HDTV. Or maybe that's JJ Abrams genius. To make me feel like a hippie...DAMN YOU!

3. Family Guy If you haven't seen the Stewie movie buy it now. I mean NOW. If you are lucky like me you will see Whoopi Goldberg in Best Buy when you go to get it. It is the funniest thing I have seen in a while sans Tom Cruise's efforts to look heterosexual.

4. TomKat I have openly supported the theory that Katie Holmes has been brainwashed by creepy scientologists. And now...she's preggers. But like, fake preggers. She was skinny a week ago and now she's like full second trimester. I swear it's like an episode of some sci-fi show I watched once where a baby came to full term in like a day. My new theory: Chris Klein or some other C-lister knocked her up and she made a deal with devil (played here by Mr. Cruise) to get some A-lister fame out of it.

5. Kathy Griffin's divorce SO SAD!

6. SNL Their new tagline should be "Still sucking after a jillion years!"

They are as clever as foxes.

Wow. Fox has done some serious homework on tv shows that will obviously have me not moving my ass from the couch for the next few months.
First, Prison Break. Any show that shows a really hot guy with a full arm and chest tatoo that's like one of the posters where you are supposed to see sailboats is awesome. Add a scene where he gets his toes clipped off by mafioso and I'm theirs.
Now, onto Reunion. This may be the best new show this year. I don't think it's better than Lost but this is one giant murder mystery and we don't even know who's dead yet! Sex, violence, betrayal, pregnancy, car crashes and parties all in episode one! Every episode a different year leading to the finale which is present time...BRILLIANT! (Although, what about season 2?) Add one part Hailey from the OC and one part JJ from American Dreams and you have a hit with me folks. And let me not neglect Keith from Six feet Under making a return ina new series as what else? A cop. Bring on the next 19 years.
Needless to say, don't call me Wednesday or Thursday nights from now until sweeps.

Anyone?

I'm still dying to see The Brother's Grimm but no one will go with me! I mean, how can I say no to Heath Ledger and Matt Damon. Especially when Heath is playing the bookish one in this movie. Anyway, I may have to tough this one out and go alone.

You should have...

stayed in that closet R. Kelly.

Against my better judgment I turned on the MTV awards tonight. What the hell is wrong with R. Kelly. I kind of let go the fact that he beds teenagers and chalked it up to the groupie factor. But his poor lip-synching performance tonight was more ridiculous than John Norris's outfit.

Like did he think we wouldn't catch onto the fact that he stopped moving his mouth while the audio track boomed over the microphone. I don't care who Cathy, Chuck and Rufus are R. And Chuck and Rufus are "on the down low" while Cathy goes clubbing telling people her name is Mary and sleeping with gangsters with guns (that would be you R, if you got confused in your wildly elaborate story line of your epic R&B saga). And why did Rufus break up with Chuck? It seems that Mary/Cathy is a dirty homophobic whore with issues. Chuck seemed nice. I like Chuck.

Anyway R., you should have stayed in that closet. Because I think all of America thought, in the wise words of Valerie Cherish, "I don't want to see that!"

Hey Jude,

So you were aware of your lack of goodness in the male special parts department. Is that why you had your people write a cease and desist letter to get your nekkid time pics off of the internets?

All I can say is for shame on you Jude, for shame. Thanks for crushing our fantasies.

Nekkid Time

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I am a stalker

I found Stephen from Laguna Beach's blog site.

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=Surf_in_Laguna

I am so sad.

Laguna Beach

Ok, that show should have a v-chip for adults. We should so not be allowed to watch it.
For the past year all I heard from boys was how hot this Kristen girl is. I never really got into the show but after 6 weeks of no TV I was ready to watch anything.
Now I feel like I giant perv because that Stephen boy is cute. Not to mention every other boy on that show. Are they really all high school age? Now I feel like Pervy Perveson.
By the way, boys, LC is so cuter than Kristen.

Oh, and it took me like a week to realize the show is real because apparently I don't like opening credits.

Sorry boys....

but it is the end of an era. The three Jones sisters are no longer a triad of wonderful singleness. My oldest sis is getting married.
I'm so excited for my sister. It seems like her day has taken forever to get here, with a lot of bumps along the way. But her dress is here and beautiful and us bridesmaids are all geared up to smile for the cameras in our bubble gum pink dresses.
So take off your hats and bow your heads, as there is one less fabulous Bristol gal on the market.

P.S. Did I mention I was single?

Dude, they are free.

Hey Check out this site freeiPods.comClick here: http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=21213785

She's brainwashed!

http://www.style.com/w/feat_story/070505/full_page.html

Say it ain't so....

Ok, so this is Fox News and I take it with a grain of salt but.......hey, it does pose a big question.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,160192,00.html

Friends don't let friends marry scary 42-year-old Scientologists. 

Here is the most recent design from freekatie.net. Thanks for ruining the Eiffel Tower forever Tom "I haven't done a decent movie since Magnolia" Cruise. 

I bought this shirt to take a stand against this blatant abuse of celebrity. 

A Plea To My Falling Idol

Oh Katie, what are you doing with yourself? Many of us young girls let you shape our adolescence as you gracefully brought Josephine Potter to the small screen Wednesday nights. I even had your back when you picked Pacey (I myself, am an overthinker, so I am a Dawsonist). You even made me buy a t-shirt from the set of your show after the finale (which it took me a whole year to watch because I can't let it go, I'm still waiting for Dawson: The Twenty-Something Years)

Katie, I watched Teaching Mrs. Tingle. I own Disturbing Behavior. I begged people to go see First Daughter with me. I have supported you in every bad career move you have made until this point (good job with Pieces of April though!). And what do I get for my support and idolization? TOMKAT!

A publicity stunt relationship so you and your aging "not gay" boyfriend can smooch all over the media. Did your publicists learn nothing from Bennifer Part 1? C'mon now. We don't want to see it, we don't need to see it and we sure as hell ain't buying it.

And the Scientology thing, what are you doing? You're a Catholic girl from Toledo who likes Marc Jacobs and Chanel. Don't forget those roots!

Ok, the one thing I have your back on is accepting that stunning rock that Scary Tom Tom gave you. I mean, with ice like that, what's a girl really to do. But please, spare me the public make out sessions in which you look like you want to vomit. I believe you more when you made out with Dru Valentine when you and he were locked in the storage closet during Season 4.

Here's the deal. Batman Begins is totally gonna do okay enough at the Box Office that you can ditch Tom before War of the Worlds comes out. This facade need not go on an longer Katie. And why does he call you Kate? You are Katie Holmes. Never forget that.

I join in allegiance with the rest of the world chanting FREE KATIE!

Full Speed Ahead

Just when I was starting to get pissed at the weather (me and Mother Nature are totally still in a fight) and feeling lonely in this fair metropolis of mine two words have freed me from my mildly cold prison of solitude. The two words I wait for every year. The two words I couldn't wait to speak as truth when I turned in my commuter pass for apartment keys. The two words that were part of the reason I was excited to live on the West Side. Yes my friends, it is FLEET WEEK!

For those of you who don't know, Fleet Week occurs around every Memorial Day weekend in NYC.

Here is what a press release from the people who run The Intrepid (a sea and space museum) says:

"In honor of the men and women who serve in the United States military and their families, the Intrepid Sea Air Space Museum announce its participation in and co-hosting of New York CityÂ’s 18th Annual Fleet Week celebration May 25th to June 1st. Many of the exciting Fleet Week activities that have become synonymous with the event will be staged at the Intrepid Sea Air Space Museum on 12th Avenue & West 46th Street, with others scheduled throughout the five boroughs of New York."

Ok, that's all fine and good and mostly true. But they neglect to mention the hundreds of cute little Navy boys that will be wandering the city in their cute little white outfits looking to have good time. CUTE NAVY BOYS! Cute Navy boys that have spent months on ships without cute girls (I understand most of the amazingly brave and fantastic women of our Navy do leave a bit to be desired in the sex appeal department). This is like the single girls Christmannakawanzza.

While Sex and the City over glamourize this event, it is still a fantastic time. Now, while I indeed do not plan on losing any form of integrity this weekend I do plan on having a good time, kicking off the festivities Thursday evening. What to wear? Oh, this is where Mother Nature better take some Pamprin so I can ship out my fun summertime wardrobe that gives me the confidence to step up to plate during the annual event.

You may wonder what I did last year during Fleet Week.Unfortunatelyy, I was chained to my desk job and then on a final road trip with my free car that had only a few precious weeks left on its lease. While I enjoyed that weekend immensely, I can't help but think that it would have been just a tad better if I hung out with some sexy sailors.

All that said, beauty sleep and a clean room are essential. Wish me luck on my so serious of missions.

Bono has my purple umbrella

So I went to see U2 at the Garden on Saturday night. It was great, went by in like two seconds and I loved every minute of it. Bono has the energy of a 5-year-old with ADD that just ate seven candy bars and whose Mom took his Rittalin so that she can keep up. Seriously.

Here is the set list:City Of Blinding Lights, Vertigo / Rockaway Beach (snippet), Elevation, The Cry, The Electric Co. / Send In The Clowns (snippet) / I Can See For Miles (snippet), An Cat Dubh, Into The Heart, Beautiful Day / Blackbird (snippet), Miracle Drug, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, Love And Peace Or Else, Sunday Bloody Sunday, Bullet The Blue Sky / The Hands That Built America (snippet) / When Johnny Comes Marching Home (snippet) / New York New York (snippet), Running To Stand Still, Pride (In The Name Of Love), Where The Streets Have No Name, Oneencores: Zoo Station, The Fly / Jean Genie (snippet), Mysterious Ways, Original Of The Species, All Because Of You, Yahweh, Vertigo

Yes, they played Vertigo twice, which I am guessing they did because they are U2 and they can do that.

Just for fun, you can compare the set list to last time I saw them:Elevation, Beautiful Day, Until The End Of The World, Mysterious Ways, Kite, Gone, New York, I Will Follow, Sunday Bloody Sunday / Get Up Stand Up (snippet), In My Life (snippet) / , Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of, In A Little While, Desire, Stay (Faraway, So Close!), Bad / Wild Horses (snippet) / 40 (snippet), Where The Streets Have No Name, Pride (In The Name Of Love)encores: Bullet The Blue Sky, With Or Without You, The Fly, One, Walk On

Both were awesome experiences and I will never forget them, especially because I left my Duane Reade purple umbrella under my chair at the Garden. Bono, that was just for you. Stay dry my friend.

Raindrops keep falling on Bono's head. Now he has my umbrella to stay dry. You're welcome Bono. 

iPoddery

Today was glorious my friends. I finished the internship and I really truly think I am going to miss it there. Odd huh? The girls were so nice and said really nice things as I left! And they gave me PRESENTS! Who doesn't love those?So after the clunky old disc man broke I decided that today was the day. I am officially on or off the wagon (however you use that expression, I don't get it). I got an iPod. A mini one at that. And it's dainty and blue. And I don't know how to use it all. iTunes is about as easy as navigating a labyrinth while trying to spin plates on your head. None of my songs seem to be named so I have a lot of guessing to do. I have like, 9, Track 01's.On a better note, I think this means I'm in a club or something now. People tend to get noticed on craigslist missed connexctions with these things. Seeing as that is my ultimate goal, to have a missed connection posted about myself so I can immeditaley ridicule the person wh posted it, I think that I am moving in the right direction. Anyway, more iPoddery to take care of. Peace out!

Ain't it purty? 

I left my heart...

and $114 at the Target in Queens. Again, one of my crazy schemes went awry. I convinced TD* to come on mission impossible to Queens because her contact solution was on sale. She swallowed the hook.

It took us two hours to get there. Apparently The V and the R lines had their periods and didn't want to run properly. It one hour, we travelled to 57th St, down to 34th St, back to 57th st and then we were off and running to Queens. Where we had to change again. We almost had to get on the G train. Has anyone ever taken this train, if so let me know, I would love to discuss.

Why I love Target:

It has like 18 million things you never though you needed.

Here is the list of items I purchased yesterday:

1. 4 blue plates with pretty rings on them (they were on sale)
2. 20 rolls of toilet paper (on sale)
3. 2 packs of Hanes little boy undershirts (aka wife beaters) for a total of 8 undershirts - They are completely see through, hence, useless.
4. shaving gel, target brand (to save the extra 20 cents)
5. A green t-shirt that says "this is my party shirt" in yellow letters
6. A blue t-shirt for Jackie
7. A green tiered cotton skort that I thought was a skirt when I bought it
8. socks, pack of 3
9. The Princess Bride on DVD (probably my only valid purchase of the day)
10. white flip flops that are going to get dirty in about 3 minutes in this city

I almost bought at iPod, but no one came to electronics to help me. Boo Target, you lost a sale on a VERY impulsive shopper.

All in all it was a fruitful day. I am wearing some Hanes now and locking myself in my apartment so I don't spend any more money.


*name has been changed to protect her career. TD=Tiny Dancer

Mawage...

Even though most you will have no interest in my dreams (not in the abstract sense, I mean the kind you have when you go to sleep) I had one I thought I would share.

Now I've had dreams where I have been a bride before, but usually I wake up before I make it down the aisle or I can't see the grooms face.

But about two days ago I actually went to my own wedding. In my dream of course but nevertheless it was AWESOME. It wasn't a nightmare. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat. This is breakthrough for me, the committmentphobic with a fear of intimacy. So maybe I'll get hitched sometime after all.

I won't share who the groom was, but it wasn't a celebrity (Shocker huh?). It was someone from my past and it was weird because while I was dreaming I was full on in love with him. And I'm not during my awake time. Interesting eh?

It was cool, because the groom was a really nice guy, so I'm glad that my subconscious has good taste in men. But anyway, it was a great wedding and I had the dress on that I picked out last year in April issue of Lucky. It's just like the Monique Lhuiller below (sans gloves and super skinny blonde model).

The wedding cake, now this is the cool part, was a birthday cake. Not the kind you can buy at a store. It was something like a Colette's cake (http://www.colettescakes.com/). It had multiple sections and cake ballons, cake presents and bows made out of fondant. It was AWESOME!

I've always wanted to be an October bride, and in my dream, my wedding was on my brithday, October 16th. EVEN MORE AWESOME! MUCHOS GRACIAS POR LOS REGALOS!

Considering I am pooked as a bridesmaid until the end of the decade it doesn't surprise me that I had my first full length wedding dream. Let's just hope I really get to have one someday. Some day far far far far far far far far far far far far away.

So now my real wedding has to be better than my awesome dream wedding. But I can't get ahead of myself. I still haven't found a crush, let alone a PB or PH or a PRH (even better). Or maybe I'll just get drunk and dial the groom in my dream...maybe he's available. Muah ha ha ha. Just kidding. Or am I?

I would be such a pretty bride. (The "All Brides are Beautiful" thing is a myth so that even ugly girls can feel fabulous on their wedding day.) Thanks, Monique Lhuiller for making my future dress. 

WARNING: WEARING A MAN PURSE IS A HEALTH HAZARD! 

It's raining men...with purses.

Attention all men. Please stop carrying man purses. I don't care who you are, you look like an idiot. Lap top cases, cool. Those canvas messenger bags, passable. But those leather monstrosities that you carry like a frickin Louis Vuitton Damier Alma, really now. Stop it.

Leave the purses to us ladies and we'll all be just fine.

How did you know, Cuz I didn't tell...

If anyone gets the title reference you are Yango! (new phrase picked up by one of teachers, snazzy ain't it?)

Ahhhh, the power of the crush. Not the soda. I mean the flip flop in the stomach, stutter inducing, sweaty palm making, and stare starting kind of crush. The kind that happens on people you only kind of know because the odds are, once you get to know them, they end up being sucky people. The kind that you get when you aren't sure if the object of your affection returns your crushy feelings. The kind that last for more than a few weeks. The kind that last even after you see them wear the same shirt 19 times in one semester. I swear, my Biggest (my dear friends you know who I mean here) crush of all time wore the same damn series of shirts every week for a year and I found it endearing, me of all people, go figure.

I think a crush might be one of the best things in the world. Sure you might not be able to sleep and you make an ass out of yourself in front of the person, but it reminds you that you are human and yes, horny.

A friend of mine has been lucky enough to have a series of crushes lately. I think the latest one is a bit of a doozy. I think he might crush her back but he's a boy and lord knows I know nothing about boys. Especially skinny ones. I unfotunately have been made of stone for the past two years and haven't crushed really hard on someone.

Sure, their was the doctor, but how long did that last, two weeks? And I wouldn't have even crushed him if his picture wasn't up on joonbug.com. Thank you joonbug.com, for filling in the void created by long nights filled with vodka.

I want a crush. Not a celebrity one, because we all know that I have many of those. I mean a living, breathing man, that talks (sometimes) and flirts. I am putting aside the hunt for a PB or PH right now and forging a new quest. The quest for the almighty Crush. Amen.

Cosmic Intervention

Tonight, the one Friday night I stay in because I have to wake up early and trail musical theater kids for class, I lock myself out of my apartment building in pajamas while smoking a cig. Really, was it necessary? So it my gray velour pants and white furry sweat shirt I had to hike through Times Square, past some seriously undesirable characters in order to hit my roommates up for keys at Ruby Foos. Thanks, God or cosmic powers that be. Lesson learned: Be nicer to people and maybe crap like this won't happen. Or maybe they want me to quit smoking. Please, you'll have to try harder than that to get me to give up one of the only things that keeps me sane these days.

The end of an era

So the cutest old man ever died today. I'm kind of sad because I really liked the pope. He seemed like a cool guy. He came to Yonkers once and I didn't go. Then Central Park and I passed again. I was just a teenager then and I didn't realize the impact that one man could have on so many people. Now I regret never seeing him say mass.

I'm not the most religous person and I do have my issues with church doctrine. But I do consider myself Catholic in a raw form. I believe in the basics, Jesus, God, the Holy Spirit and Mary.

I've known the pope was going to die for a while now but it still makes me sad. It's hard to find an example of pure virtue in this world. I just hope the next pope exudes the same kind of holy aura.

So I'm going to say a little prayer today, not for the pope because I know he's ok and no longer suffering, but for the next guy, that he can brave through the storm that comes with the job. And for everyone in mourning, that we may be comforted knowing that John Paul II is now in hands of God.

Spring has sprung

Ah, the end of March means the beginning of spring. Sure, right. The only spring I've seen lately is the street. Besides today's little pocket of wonderful weather, This rain, hail, snow crap really is annoying. And the world seems to be having bizarro weather. Another earthquake in Asia? Really, now. Was that necessary? Haven't they had enough? I swear Mother Nature is PMSing.

I love the spring. It means that I can wear my cute jackets and skirts again. So I am officially on strike from Mother Nature. From now on, I am going to pretend like everyday is lovely spring day. I will wear skirts in the rain and snow. Opened toe shoes in 30 degrees? I'm on it. My pastels are out and ready to go. Bring it on beotch.

The other reason I love spring? It's the end of night life hibernatation. I've left my neighborhood maybe 10 times to go out all winter. I haven't seen many people outside of the Hell's Kitchen social circle so I am assuming no one else has left their areas either. Ok, once the weather gets warmer we should all have a big celebration. We can all crawl out of our caves and start socializing like normal people and hang out in hoods other than our own. I hear the East Village is quite nice this time of year. Wow, the East side, how I've missed you. Now if I could only afford the cab fare....

Spring also means the heat in the building will be shut off soon. I won't have to come home with my 18 layers on anymore to only be greeted by equator-like heat or sleep with my window open and find that my wet hair has frozen to the pillow.

Take care and I'll be seeing you when Mother Nature sucks it up and takes some Midol.