Sunday, December 30, 2007

Everyone should have a list.

As I write this I am supposed to be getting ready for my second date with [redacted]. He's a really nice guy but I find myself feeling a sense of dread every time we make plans. It's not him. I actually had a good time with him last time we went out. It's this part of relationships that I hate. The "Let's have awkward small talk and get to know each other."

Like most people in their mid-twenties, I have accumulated a laundry list of crap that I really try to stay away from discussing in the beginning of a relationship. It's hard to explain that my mom nver remaried after her divorce, but there's this guy who hangs out at our house all day and this woman who babysat me as a child is still around like a grandmother. Honestly, when I explain this, people ask how my Uncle Jesse is doing.

Everyone has their weird habits too. No one is normal. I wish that on all second dates (the first date is just a test drive to see if the person is generally in your own expectations of normal) each party had to show up with their list of weird shit that needs to be aired out before things went any further. Seriously, if you tend to be a gassy person, it owuld just be easier to say it up front put up front. That way those months of waiting for the other person to accidentally fart aren't as painful and the first slip of gas isn't as embrassing. Trust me, it's TERRIBLY embarassing when it does happen and yes, I've has the SATC moment where it happened one morning after sex. Yes boys, girls fart! Most of us pretty regularly and often accidentally. We just don't announce it and ask others to smell it. It's kind of like when there was a kid with really bad acne in grade school. Everyone knew it was there but chose to ignore it until it cleared up. Or like if you've ever paid for sex...I mean these are things people need to know.

So in hopes that this will start a trend, I am publishing my list of shit that guys should know about me before we start dating:
1. I have a pretty bad fear of committment and general emotional intimacy.
2. I have slept with enough people that sometimes I feel guilty about the number but I am still learning what I like and what I don't like. [Note: Compared to many people I know this number is not rediculously high--it's all pretty normal for someone who is 26, but 18 years of Catholic school has taught me to feel ashamed about this.]
3. Before I take a shower I usually stare at myself in the mirror searching for imperfections.
4. I hate the mole on my chin but the dermotologist won't remove it.
5. I am a messy person.
6. I watch way too much television and am addicted to celebrity gossip.
7. Somedays I wish I were famous.
8. I shower the night before work, not in the morning before, because I prefer to get the extra sleep when it's light out. I would sleep only in the day if I could.
9. I have had a gym membership fr two years. I've used it three months total.
10. I usually start out relationships by pretending I'm a non-smoker or "trying to quit." It's kind of a lie. Although a serious attempt at quitting is scheduled for after my Vegas trip with DM.
11. I don't like morning sex until I've brushed my teeth. Please do not attempt this.
12. I hate snuggling in bed in general.
14. I don't hate pornography.
15. I hate small talk and can seem socially awkward when I attempt this.
16. I like what most people my age consider to be "bad" music.
17. I sometimes curse and burp like a truck driver.
18. If I have a pimple, I will try to pop it (luckily this does not happen often).
19. I'm bossy.
20. I don't eat sea food. I think it's gross.
21. I sing badly and often. I usually combine this with my white girl dance moves.

I think that's a pretty good outline. I'm sure I've forgotten plenty of things. Now I suggest all you single folks out there take a long look at yourself and do the same. Let's make this a thing!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

If you're not in debt...

Help out. Most of use have no idea what they could ever go through. Besides, it's an excuse to watch Brad on the web.

Friday, December 28, 2007

It's baaaaaaaaaaccckkkkkk

Just got this from a press contact:

December 28, 2007


Flights Begin December 31 To Nine Markets

Oceanic Airlines announced today their return to the airways. Beginning December 31, operations and flights to nine markets will resume, “Taking You Places You Never Imagined.” Destinations include:

Los Angeles, CA
Tustin, CA
Ames, IA
Miami, FL
New York, NY
Portland, OR
Knoxville, TN
Seoul, South Korea
Sydney, Australia

“We are very eager to resume flying and apologize for any inconvenience our temporary closure may have caused our loyal customers,” said Michael Orteig, President, Oceanic Airlines. “Oceanic Airlines is proud to be a top tier flight provider and looks forward to providing travelers with many more years of unparalleled service.”

About Oceanic Airlines
In business for over 25 years, Oceanic Airlines is a major airline carrier and offers the highest caliber of service for international and domestic flights. Destinations include Los Angeles, London, Sydney and South Korea.


Oceanic Airlines Contact:
Georgia Cavanagh REDACTED


Thursday, December 27, 2007

I need...

a new ringtone to replace my Christmas ring....any ideas?

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

OH! BTW...

To all of those who care...the date went well. It was an actual grown up date. He's really cute. I didn't get bombed. The conversation was pleasant and hardly forced. We had a few cocktails and called it a night. He didn't attempt to maul me in the cab ride nor did he even presume that we would be hanging out really late. I think we'll probably go out again.

And, no, I didn't put out (which apparently, you aren't supposed to do...who knew?). We didn't even make out. And he still called...I guess he's this mystical creature I've heard of thought to be extinct...a how do you say..."Nice Guy?"

Merry Christmas!

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas! Today marked my baby niece's 1st birthday and she is proof that the older you get, the faster time goes. It feels like just a few weeks ago I was racing to the hospital to meet her. Now she stands on my knees, pulls my hair and sticks her fingers in my mouth.

Sister #2 is prego and to see her belly grow just makes me so thankful that she is bringing another little one into the family, this time a little nephew!

BFF's baby is an angel and the best present I got this year. She looks like her Mommy and she definitely has some lungs on her. She arrived happy and healthy and I can't wait until she's big enough so I'm not scared to hold her (I'm not scared of holding blood relatives when they are small...but I always think other people's babies heads will roll off).

So in the Christmas spirit, I send only good thoughts to everyone today, including the mean anonymous commenter, Roger Clemens and yes, even Julia Stiles.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...

Yesterday was DM's birthday. Yesterday, DM got engaged. Yesterday was one of the best days of her life and she deserves it. Yesterday, I got a tetanus shot. It still effing hurts.

Today, Spanish and I went shopping for her husband, Homer. Today, Homer had his first day as a cop in my hometown. Today, I realized that because I live in New York City and take cabs, I have become a God-awful driver and almost crashed into the Cloisters on the Henry Hudson North.

Tomorrow, BFF is having a C-Section. She's pissed she can't deliver naturally. I am excited and nervous for her. Tomorrow, she becomes a mom. Tomorrow, I hope to visit her and her baby girl and then get drunk while decorating my Christmas tree.

I really need to get a more exciting life.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Apparently being a hot mess suits me...

because a guy I met this past drunken Friday has asked me to hang out...stay tuned for deets.

Also, all I remember about this guy is he's got a puffy LeTigre jacket and his name is [redacted]. And according to Q, he has nice eyes and we had a very involved conversation.

And he lives in Long Island.


But as Spanish, Mrs. Krabbypatty, DM and BFF tell me, I have to start giving people an actual chance before turning them down.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I drink too much.

Friday night was just one of those rediculous nights of drinking. Starts innocently enough. Q, LB and I were hanging out in LB's new apartment in the W. Village (it's sick!) and we were drinking wine and eating tacos. How things got to the level of drunk that they did I cannot uderstand. But like I said, it was one of those rediculous nights of boozing. The kind where you make BFFS with total strangers and frolic from bar to bar. The kind where you remember the first bar you go to but slowly forget the names of the rest of the establishments you end up finding along the course of the night. The kind where you end up in a Penthouse apartment in Times Square with three guys you don't know and have to make a quick exit. The kind where you can't get out of bed for an entire day. The kid where you think your hangover just may kill you. The kind that on Sunday, two days after the initial drink-fest, your friends call you because they realize that you may have made decisions that night that could have led to death.

We are all still alive. Somehow.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

It's that time again...

It's December 1. It's officially CHRISTMASTIME!

Ringtone changed to 'NSYNC "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" - Check
Purchase of this year's Hallmark singing snowman - Check

Christmas Playlist added back on to iPod - Check (and updated too!)
Most of my holiday shopping done - Check
Party outfits - Check
Moments of temporary depression because I have no boy to buy a present for - Checkish
Annoying Early New Years Invites - Check

Spanish and Homer popped in for a surprise NYC visit and we went and did touristy Christmas stuff. The tree. The windows at Saks.

Then the crowds and cold got annoying.