Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Demon Magic

I almost peed myself.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Pack your bags we leave tonight!"

There are four things I will always remember about 2003.

1. I graduated college.
2. I went toVegas for the 1st time.
3. The blackout in NYC.
4. Paradise Hotel on Fox.

For those of you who don't know about the hotel, this should give you a good idea. The theme song was even like crack. "Two tickets to paradisseeeeeeeeeee, pack your bags we leave toniiight!" (yes I know that's a real song). Anywho, it was on lke 2-3 times a week, kind of like Big Brother so the season flew by.

So anyway, at the end of the season, the announcer comes on and says something like: "STay tuned for the next season of Paradise never know what will happen..."

And I waited. I figured like Temptation Island (awesome!) and Joe Millionaire (slurp sounds!), Fox would jump on the chance to make another edition of this quasi-hit.

And I waited. And waited some more. I reminisced about scary man-lady Toni, Zack and Amy's relationship and how hot Beau was. I bitched about the end result. And then I gave up.

I nearly peed myself when I found out that this reality gem would finally bring us a sequel...4.5 years later and on the bootleg channel, my9.

So far, things have been pretty standard, sex, booze, annoying peopleand reality all-stars (RYAN!). Then I watched last night's epi. They hinted they were bringing in a former contestant, I figured it was one of the folks they booted this season. Then the big reveal...IT WAS ZACK! FROM SEASON ONE! THE GUY WHO GOT AN EARLY BOOT BECAUSE HE WAS A JACKASS AND THEN GOT BOOTED AGAIN FOR MAKING THREATS OF VIOLENCE!

And he looked well, um, er, haggard? I remind you that this is years in the making. The new kids are all young, jacked and tan. Zack has crows feet at the age of 28 he is obvi the oldest one there. And while he seems to have bonded with Mikey over the fact that he lost Tonya the same way he was once kicked off, he seems to be siding with the Newbies, including super-tits Stefanie. Gross.

Zack, don't let me down!!!! I want an OG to win this time! Also, next week it looks like the shizz is going down! And dear my9, please put this show on more than once a week. We have at least two-three months left, please don't drag it out and make me listen to Amanda's fake accent anymore or Myrna's PAINFUL voice.

Ugh, this show is great. Watch it. It's TV at it's absoute worst, yes worse than the Hill. But it's fantastic.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Idol Giveth and Idol Taketh Away

First Perry and his cunty girlfriend now Michael Johns. From now on I'm rooting for shitty people on reality shows since they seem to be the ones who win. I want effing recounts considereing I couldn't even get through to vote for Michael. Idol Gives Back? ERRONEOUS!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I'm an auntie again! My

I'm an auntie again! My sister have birth this morning to a baby boy!

Friday, April 04, 2008

That really hurt and it's still hurting.

I want a British baby!

Apparently I'm moving to Canada.


ugh. Reality TV hurts my brain.

Perry, you are my Supermodel. Always.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

If I famous people.

Another installation of an If I could. Since I'm lazy, here is a list a famouses I would like to meet.

Famouses I want to meet since I think we could be BFF
  1. Kelly Clarkson
  2. Sophia Bush
  3. Jenna Fischer
  4. Tina Fey
  5. Katherine Heigl
  6. Neil Patrick Harris

Famouses I want to meet out of sheer interest
  1. SJP - Does she really look like a foot as Family Guy suggests?
  2. James Van Der Beek (I want to measure his forehead and lick his Dawsony face-just to say I did)
  3. Renee Zellweger - I want to pry that bitches eyes open.
  4. Ellen Pompeo is only to feed her
  5. Christina Ricci - I want to know if she really did it with Justin in Black Snake Moan (SHIT LOOKED REAL!)
  6. Elizabeth Taylor - I want to hear her howl in real life!
  7. Elliot Yamin - to decide, once and for all, if we ever did have a drunk makeout sesh.

FILF (in no particular order)
  1. Christian Bale
  2. Perry from Make Me a Supermodel (I count him as famous since I think he's gonna make it big!)
  3. Lenny Kravitz
  4. Michael Johns (same reason as Perry)
  5. Shia La Beouf
  6. Channing Tatum
  7. John Krasinski
  8. Clooney
  9. Pitt
  10. Damon
  11. Robbie Williams
  12. Vince Vaughn (with 2 condoms)
  13. Joel McHale
  14. James Marsden

Famouses I'd like to meet if I was assured that I could get away with justifiable homicide
  1. Julia Stiles

If he doesn't win I'm moving to Canada.

I'm not talking about a political candidate. I'm talking about hotty hot hotterson, Perry, on Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel.

How psyched am I to see el senor en FUEGO reunite with his slutastic (ex?) girlfriend (who probably still smell of Adnan juice)? It's like reality TV Christmas (think the finale of Joe Millionaire Season 1 mixed with the bizarre pleasure of watching Toni on Paradise Hotel Season 1 and a splash of a Flavor of Love naming ceremony).

If either member of Bronnie wins I will pack my knives and go. Srsly.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Denise Fleming is a Tampon (and other things that have made women crazy).

Okay, I've just about had it with men calling women crazy. I will be the first to admit. Yes. We bitches be crazy. But the reason why? Dudes. Men. Guys. Boys. Anything with a peen.

Would Carrie have flipped off the deep end if that guy hadn't faked being her date at the prom? No.

Would Denise Fleming have become a freaky loner if it weren't for Kenny Fisher bad-mouthing her?

Would Whitney have become a crack whre without Bobby? (Kiss My Ass!)

Would Britney have gone bonkers if it weren't for the loss of K-Fed (okay, sort of debatable since she's kind of clinical).

You get the idea.

I am going to use myself as a prime example. I am normal. Seriously, as normal as they come. I'm kind of known for it. Sure, I stress and have insecurities an whatever but I think pretty rationally and have been known for my normalcy. I'm actually pretty fun to be around most of the time (especially when there is booze-yay!).

Then something happens. Add a guy into the mix, nay, and asshole guy into the mix. All of a sudden my clothes start ripping and a giant green monster named Lou Ferigno takes over and I become The Incredible Bitch.

The Incredible Bitch's triggers include but are not limited to:
1. Insult
2. Neglect
3. Lack of orgasms
4. Blatant disregard for feelings/apathy
5. Mind fucking

Her talents include:
1. Introducing herself to every skeleton in your closet
2. Anger fucking
3. Facebook stalking

Also a factor: birth control. Mix that with a douchebag being douchey and The Incredible Bitch will CUT YOU!

Luckily, I have been able to supress this inner entity for quite some time (with some minor facebook stalking offenses) since, sadly I have been without any jerk stores in my life (yay!).
The monster is lying dormant right now, and with the spring coming, my search for a new crush in full force, and assholes aplenty in Manhattan, I fear for this fair city.

So boys, let this be a warning. You are the reason we get the crazies from time to time. Stop. Being. Such. Dicks.


Barbara Walters hosting a special about old people living to be well, older...a little self serving don't you think?