Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I forgot to mention...


Gone are the days where my boss is screaming after me like I'm Lloyd from Entourage.

Say farewell to the days of my boss's son asking me if I'm 35, or have a husband, or have babies.

Hasta la vista to the days where my boss asks if I've had a Valentine in the past few years.

Peace out to the annoying lady who doesn't know how to use Excel or make labels in Word even though we have computer training classes.

Siyanara to the lady who once told me I have a muffin top (I didn't).

Aloha to the guy who reeks of Drakkar Noir cologne like it's 1995.

Buh Bye to the lady who always farts really bad when I'm in the bathroom.

Godspeed to the lady who I have to avoid taking an elevator with, as she is the worst close talker in the history of all time (One day I could taste her breakfast from her breath).

FInally, Adios to the days of blogging at work, because from what I can tell, I will be the busiest of bees in my new position. But I won't be too far!

PS: A special shout out to Spanish's gall bladder, which will be leaving us on August 10th. I'll be sure to pour out some bile for you. I'll be missing you.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Corey Haim: Better on Drugs?

Corey Haim was way more entertaining when he took pills.

I DVR'd the Two Coreys! I AM VERY EXCITEd!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

He's 18. It's allowed.

He's got the magic stick, I know if I read it once, I'm readin' it twice. Finished the book, saw the movie. And while my true love will always be Ron Weasley, kudos to Daniel Radcliffe, for growing up so well and making me want to cougar. All that teen angst in that jawline..magical indeed.

Oh yea, I'm a dork.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I forgot to mention...

Um, we also somehow managed to break into a van taxi cab and get yelled at by a fat bouncer, and then the police. Whoops. I love the Hamptons.

2nd Annual: I got rescued at The Drift and all I got were some spider bites

Ok, I know you've been waiting for this one and I apologize for the delay. Here we go:

On Friday DM and I met up to get manicures before the fabulous druken Hamptons trip began. She dragged me to this upstairs place (places upstairs always bug me out for some reason) in midtown where I proceded to get the worlds fastest mani. Literally done in 10 minutes (its still on btw). Then we took the world's longest taxi ride to hell, I mean Penn Station. We scored seats on the to Jamaica thinking "Awesome, it shouldn't be too bad to get a seat when we switch to the double decker!" WRONGO! When the train pulled up in Jamaica, it was packed. Like 5 seats were open. People were sitting on steps, standing in the aisle, it was dreadful. It reminded us both of those long train rides down the NE corridor Amtrak line in college. Les. Mis.

We finally found spots where we could sit, stand, whatever. You know those cubby hole areas where the conductor stands and pushes buttons to move the train? That's where we parked it. Onfortch, both of us where in jersey dresses, so at times we had to be etra careful that the entire bar car couldn't see our underthings. Who are we kidding, they totally did.

Drinking ensued. I got wasted and made out with a guy who like the bizarro identical twin of a guy I hooked up with a bunch of times in college. But then he started to annoy me. Then i realized that I was making out with him for only 2 reasons: 1. His wicked dance moves. 2. He told me i had a rockin' bod with his thick Boston accent (I must admit, the boobies were looking fabulous).

So it's finally time to leave and Bizarro can't find his cousin or anyone who he is supposed to be staying with. And he doesn't have a phone. I wanted to get rid of him so I wouldn't accidentally have sex, but DM shouts "JONES, GET IN THIS CAB! BRING YOUR BOYFRIEND" Crap. Did I mention that he kept calling me he wrong name? He would be like "Junes...I mean Jones." Then I would give him a mean look and walk away and then somehow the vodka would make me kiss him again. Damn you clear drinks!

So finally I get back to DM's house and then it gets blurry. I know I changed into my PJ's in the bathroom and wouldn't touch Bizarro when he got in bed with me...until he full on spooned me...ick, I hate sleep touching.

Next morning he sort of disappears which makes happy but then it's time to go to the beach Luckily I'm hungover enough to not be ashmed in my bathing suit. To this day I have never found a better hangover cure than this:

1. Bottle of Water
2. Turkey Sandwich
3. Ocean
4. Combos

Seriously, I was fresh as a daisy in no time! Queue more drinking and the Drift. Some funny moments:

1. Walking into a girl vomiting on someone's car, the owner of which hit the panic button on her.
2. Running full force into a chest bump only to be flung five feet backwards
3. Watching a group of girls dance to that same guy's car alarm...he would click it off and on...everytime it came on they would dance and when it when off they would stop...it gave no meaning to the term "Dance, Monkey Dance!"
4. Major dance party with some of the most fun people I know

Honestly, it goes down again as a fabulous weekend, one that it has taken my liver 5 days to recover from. Kudos to DM and to all....except for the spider bites...seriously, I have like 3 of them and they itch.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Guess Who's Coming to Drinking?

Oh yes kiddies, it's that time of year again. Jonesy v. the Hamptons. Place your bets now. Here are some things to loook forward to...

This weekend is intended to be a shitshow of mass proportions. Similar to that of this girl's Awesomefest series. Some of you know about last year's magnificent trip out east. This year, I have been promised an even broader cast of characters includding Penny and pretty much everyone listed in her cast of characters. I have been told there will be drinking in mass quantities, including my introduction to the Stoli-bomb. Let's all pray I don't embarass myself while trying to pole-dance on a giant pink coulumn inside the Drift (which is actually Guide-hotspot, my hell, Neptunes during the day).

I will be venturing on the beach for the first time since last August, my pale skin begging for sun exposure. Kids, I'm so white, I glow. My sister compared my leg to my neice's (FYI-she has never seen direct sun) and the color was pretty much the same.

I am going happily, as this week has been very tough work-wise. Not only did my boss come back from his week off in order to give me tons of stuff to do, but I am also praying for a promotion to a position that opened up last week. I also have something else in the works (which will come to a close this Friday, just in time for my weekend escape) that will hopefully work out very soon!

So again, place your bets now kids, who will triumph? Will I take on the Hamtpons in pro-form without any embarassing moments that involve vomit/pee or spilling liquid of any kind? Will I avoid taking photos that make me look like I have 8 chins and 6 months prego? Or will The Hamptons beat my ass into submission, making me cry "UNCLE!" while I dance violently to quality tunes at 4 am?

I'll give you a hint. The Hamptons always wins.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

I would categorize this as a flame.


I hate today.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

If I Could: A Tacky Wedding

Occasionally I wonder what would happen if I had unlimited funds and a whole lot of time. So here is a new type of post I'm calling "If I Could." Here are my musings on what kind of tacky wedding I would have, "If I could."

Date: 4th of July. Why? Free fireworks for all. But instead of having those little smiey faced ones I would have the folks at Macy's design special pyrotechnics that would launch firworks that would explode in the shapy of my face and beau, encircled by heart with an arrow going through it. God bless America and God bless us.

Ceremony Location: Shea Stadium. Why? Because in my little world where I have more money than Bill Gates, everyone will want to attend my nuptuals. I need stadium seating. But considering that this affair will come after 2009, I would have to buy Shea Stadium before it's torn town and transplant it to a patch of land. So, I will have to buy all the real estate on the Lower East Side/East Village, evict all the hiptards, level all the annoying builldings/hangouts and place Shea down there. Any hispter who does not vacate will just be seen as collatoral damage.

Reception: Central Park Why? Because I would need pretty much the entrie park for all the guests. It's a simple matter of capacity. All the important people will be allowed in the great lawn with me, while all the on-lookers will have to stay down in Sheep's Meadow. The people I really don't like will be sent to sit on the ball fields, and have to make due with a hotdog cart and ice cream man.

Bridal Party: The obvious suspects, my sisters, BFF, Spanish, Future Mrs. Krabby Patty, Jennifer Aniston, Kelly Clarkson, Wonder Woman.

The best man will be Michelle Williams. Because let's face it, Heath wouldn't want anyone else helping him out more than his ex-wife/baby momma.

The other best man (did I mention this was Big Love?) will be Kylie Minogue, who will be trying to hold Robbie Williams up, because we will have to kick that guy off the wagon to marry me.

Flower children: My neice will be head flower child which means she is the boss of all other flower children and they need to kiss her feet and give her money and presents. Other flower children: Suri Cruise (but Tom has to sit in the baseball team area for the reception, Katie can stay with me but only if I can call her katie and send her to de-programmer who will burn her with ciggie butts until she rejects Scientology), Zahara Jolie-Pitt (screw Shiloh), Maddox Jolie-Pitt (screw Pax), and The Olsen Twins.

I will not walk down the aisle. The entire New York Mets team will kneel on hand and knee (in their custom NYM tuxes) and I will walk on their backs.

Colors: "My culuhs are blush and bashful." And yes, Dolly Parton will be flown in to do my hair and Julia Roberts will be forced to have a diabetic seizure.

Theme: The theme is everyone look uglier than the bride. Thanks.

Black Tie: Not optional. It's demanded. But only skinny black ties are allowed. And even the women have to wear them.

Entertainment: Think of Live Aid + Live 8, ONLY BIGGER. Headliners will include a reunited 'NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, S Club 7. Also Amy Winehouse, The Beastie Boys, Shakira (but she has to dance in a brown paper bag since no one is allowed to look better than me), U2, Madonna, Oprah, Larry King, Gallagher. Ellen Degeneres will be dancing in a cage above the stage, non-stop.

Gown Design: I will change every 30 minutes into a new gown. The designers will have to pay me to wear their dress at the ceremony. I have a feeling Bobby Trendy won't win. It will be easy to dress me because I will be thinner than Victoria Beckham. And she will be forced to eat the entire reception.

Food: I will leave that up to the house elves from Hogwarts.

Party Favors: Everyone will receive an 8x10 of me, autographed, of course.

Honeymoon: 1 week at each Hedonism resort in the world.

A girl can dream, can't she?