The Onion Takes on Trekkies

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

PS This movie was really awesome.

I'm a little late...

But this is the best Oscar re-cap I've ever read. Enjoy.

So a plane crashed in my backyard today...

I live about 2 blocks away from that USAir flight that crashed into the Hudson about an hour and half ago.

So far they are reporting everyone is okay. Thank you Jebus.But it was really close to my partment and I am bugging myself out thinking "What if they hadn't landed in the water.."

This event reminded me of a book I read as a tween. "Flight #116 Is Down!" is like the most effed up tale to read as a child. You might as well read it and watch My Bloody Valentine.

Let me explain: The book is story of some chick named Heidi who lives on this sick estate with all of this land. Then a plane crash lands in her back yard and she has to deal with all the injured and dying people. You learn the passenger's stories in a Trafficky/Babelly/Crash-type way. You also get a taste of what the families are going through as they wait for the list. And I think Heidi has some love interest with like an EMT or something.

And, like, some of the good people DIE. Seriously, they make you like someone and then they DIE. And this is a book for KIDS. And it's not like kooky fiction like Harry Potter. This is like real shit that could happen (just like today).

So to author Caroline Cooney, you scarred me for life and today I have Nam-like flashbacks to your book.

Fin.

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,


Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.

STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.

And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.

Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.

Thanks,

Jones

A Friendly PSA: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

In the early 1990s, my sister and I used to snuggle and watch USA's night time program "Up All Night." They had a big boobied host who would show crappy B-movies. One night, at around 11 pm, we tuned in to see they were airing "My Bloody Valentine" a 1981 horror film about mass murders in a mining town.

We did not live anywhere near miners, coal and/or killers, but I assure you, that movie scared the Jebus out of us. To this day, we cannot year the song "My Funny Valentine" without getting scared. The sight of a pick axe gives me goose bumps. For years, we have made jokes of this movie and how scary it is just to cover up the fact that sometimes at night we still remember how effing scared we were.

FOR SHAME LIONSGATE! How could you do this to us! Make a re-make of the movie that has forever made me a scaredy cat. And who do you cast? JACK FROM DAWSON'S CREEK! WTF? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

And how do you shoot the movie? IN 3 EFFING D!!!! No, it wasn;t scary enough the first time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you had to go and make it way scarier. Lionsgate, you are just mean and cruel and I hate you.

So please, I urge you all. Do not attempt this cinematic adventure. You will only regret it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

"The Century Plant"

Best part about the Twilight movie? Fritzy from the movie Camp is in it. Oh, wait. Have you not heard of Fritzy or Camp? Oh, then you obviously aren't a gay man or an unemployed blogger with too much time on her hands.

Fritzy sabotages a girl at her show tunes camp so she can sing a song from Company:


Here is a taste:



Here's more...



And then the real tour de force. I present the strangest song ever:





You're Welcome.

Balls...or lack thereof

Today I checked my email to see I had two comments waiting for moderation. I thought to myself, "Self, you have a reader! Kudos to you! Someone likes to read your work!" Then I read what they said. Apparently an anonymous commenter has beef with dear ol' Jonesy. And since I don't take things lying down and this person obviously wants some attention, I will oblige and share your thoughts about me with the rest of the world.

Take this for example:

"Noone(sic) cares about you. Your(sic) a miserable brides maid(sic). Thats(sic) all you'll ever be. noone(sic) will ever love you "

"Wow," you may be thinking. That's way harsh. But five errors in three sentences? Who taught this person to write/read? Sloth from the Goonies? And I happen to be a pretty good bridesmaid. Ask my sisters or BFF or Spanish or Mrs. Krabbypatty. No misery there. Severe intoxication? Possibly. But not misery. And there are plenty of people who love me. So dear commenter, no need to worry your non-existent sac of cowardice.

Or what about this gem from a post about my dissapointment in the 2007 Mets season?

"and just like the men in your life, the mets woke up the following morring and said to them selfs,"wow, how did I fuck up that bad?"

Them selfs? Yowsa. I am dealing with a 5 year old with the mouth of a truck driver who's been in the road too long. And unless we've had all the sex, you have no reason to be criticizing. And if we have, you definitely wouldn't be saying that. Unless you're the guy that I brought home on St. Patrick's Day. The whole thumb tack thing...that was weird.

Also, these were posted at around 1 am on late Friday/early Saturday. Who is reading blogs then? Blogs are for reading at work when you're bored, not after you just completed a five hour internet porn binge. What, Bang Bus not hard core enough? Had to get your non-existent rocks off by picking on me?

Since this is such a personal attack I can only assume this is someone I know. And since I pretty much know who reads this, I have an idea of who it is. And I could care less. Just sad you can't say this to my face. The fact that you "don't care" is obviously not a fact. It's a lie. Because someone who didn't care wouldn't say such hurtful things. I have no idea why you're (see you put an apostrophe when it's two words...never mind, you're too dumb to understand) angry or what I did, but I can assure you that you have just proved every notion I ever had about you. There is much more I can say to you that would hurt far worse, but I'm better than you and you know that. You are a shell of a human being and I feel sorry for you.

If my intuition is failing me and this is a random stranger, I pity you. The fact that you put people down and hide behind anonymity is sad and small. Put down the keyboard and find some friends, maybe meet a girl. Maybe she'll touch your penis. I promise, it will help.

So that is my rebuttal to you, anonymous commenter. Take it as a Whitney Houston-esque, "KISS MY ASS!" Or better yet, in the wise words of one Janice Ian, "SUCK ON THAT! AYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYY!"

She's so excited!

Has anyone ever watched Showgirls on VH1? The put these Jessica Rabbit cartoon-like bathing suits on Jesse Spano's boobs. It's the funniest thing I've seen all day.

ANGER ALERT!

I HATE YOU JULIA STILES! YOU ARE PLAIN LOOKING AND A TERRIBLE ACTRESS! IT'S LIKE YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND SAID, "I THINK I'LL BE IN MOVIES." ARGH! YOU ARE THE WORST EVER. YOU ARE THE WORST, REALLY, THE WORST.

"Say Hello To Your Friends..."

Inspired by dmbmeg I have decided to fill you all in on a conversation that Carly, a friend who I am now going to call Rockstar (because she parties and looks like one), and myself had last Friday in Brooklyn.

But let me preface this with a realization I had but three weeks ago, when watching The Babysitters Club movie (Rachel Leigh Cook as Mary Anne! Alex Mac as Dawn! ) on Showtime on Demand. The movie was circa 1995 and nothing like the short-lived TV series that I remember. It was all about the club forming their own summer camp for the kids of Stonybrook. Then it hit me...wow, that Kristy was a little lesbian stereotype. Softball! Hates dresses! Wants to hang with her girlfriends all the time!!! Nothing wrong with this mind you, but it made me understand why I never related to her in the books.

So I decided to share this theory with Carly and Rockstar (both which, I think were a little puzzled that I was watching this film at the age of 25) and it got us going on the books we read as kids. Rockstar's favorite BSCer is Claudia because she's artsy. Carly liked Stacy. I was a big Mary Anne fan, because she got to date Logan, the piece of ass. We remembered how the Stacy's diabetus was like the BIGGEST deal ever!!!!! OMG! SHE NEEDS INSULIN! SCANDAL! And how Alan became Kristy's beard.

Then we remembered our good friends in Sweet Valley, Elizabeth and Jessica, that bitch Lila and a bunch of other people. Elizabeth was the shy one, Jessica was sort of a ho. And now a personal confession:

One of the reasons I have never and will never do cocaine is because of a Sweet valley High novel (can we call them novels?). Let me set the scene. The twins are at a party, it's the '80s, it's all preppy people wearing pastel. A girl named Regina Morrow has fallen in with the wrong crowd...she does some lines...and her effing HEART EXPLODES. She had a heart murmur and did coke and died. Lesson learned, you don't need to tell me twice. Way to help out today's youth Francine Pascal.

Rockstar and Carly sort of laughed when I told them this but there are MANY, including my sister who were scared of drugs because of this book...so reading IS fundamental.

Then we started talking about how we eventually moved on from serials like the BSC and SVH (and for me, Nancy Drew 7 Encyclopedia Brown...I read...a lot.) onto those creepy scary books written by RL Stine and Christopher Pike. Did anyone ever read The Midnight Club...about the kids in hospice who tell stories and then two have sex? Or Remember Me when the girl comes back from the dead as a ghost? Biz. arre.

But it all makes sense to me now. I read enormous amounts as a kid because a lot of these books were never a challenge to me like say, Trainspotting or The Satanic Verses. They were entertaining and easy (like the HP books) and I obviously took a lot of life lessons from them. And no wonder many people (not me) stop reading as they get older. Reading becomes more challenging for some...It took me over a month to finish Salman Rushdie's book...and I didn't even like it!

There really wasn't an end to our conversation because I believe Drug Teeth interrupted it. But ever since that evening I have had the Babysitter's Club theme in my head:

Say hello to your friends (Babysitter's Club)
Say hello to the people who care
Nothing's better than friends (Babysitter's Club)
Cuz you know that your friends are always there....

Profound. I know.

An Open Letter to Matt Damon...

Dearest Matthew:

First, I have to let you know, I love you. If I was offered a job as your personal ass pincher for the rest of my life I would glady accept. You're a hottie. Show me your peen.

Second, I have to say that I was a little hurt when your driver tried to run me over yesterday as you were leaving David Letterman. I was just trying to get home from work, not attack your car. Sure, I saw the tons of people waving at your vehicle, but I wa snot one of them because honestly, I couldn't even see you. Was it then necessary, for your black GMC truck to come barreling across 8th Avenue straight at me? I really don't think so. Was that effer Affleck driving (I assume since he has no career he is now your "Turtle" a la Entourage.)

I could have thrown myself in front of the car and sued but no, I chose to take a step back and avoid and type of mangling that your driver could provide. Since, out of the kindness of my heart, I saved you money and public embarassment, I have one request.

I would like you to sleepover. Just one night. And no sex (although I may ask you to show me the peen as noted above) because you are married and a father and I am not going the Angelina route. All my friends will come over and we'll all get wasted and maybe some people will start hooking up and me and you will be like, "Hey, isn't that weird, I never thought those two would go together." And then they will start dating and we'll still be like "Remember when they hooked up the night I had that sleepover?" And then they'll get engaged and it will be all nice and happy and then married and you'll obvs be invited because by that point you're in the click and everybody's boy. And we'll all be like "Really, who knew?" and then maybe you'll be going through a tough time in your marriage and your daughter will have just started school and Affleck's in rehab again and we'll get all deep in conversation and then make out and we won't start a whirlwind romance because you're married and you'll win your second Oscar because I inspired you and then get divorced and we'll celebrate by announcing our new relationship on Oprah and then have 3 babies and that couple who hooked up at that party will get divorced and we'll be like, "Woah! We didn't see that coming, but remember when they hooked up at that sleepover? That was weird."

Sincerely yours in all of your Bourneness,

M. Jones

Oh well....

Let me pre-empt this whole story by saying it's summer and there is nothing on TV.

So I just finished watching the movie "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. People have been telling me I should watch it since it's like my family blah, blah blah (I could only wish to be as cute as Mandy Moore).

Lo and behold, out of the darkness. A full fledged undiscovered hottie. Yea, Tom Everett Scott's in the movie but he plays kind of a dick, but this guy, super cute...

Hotness right?

I got so psyched! New movie actor crush! As soon as the movie was over, I ran to my trusty laptop to IMDB his hot little ass.

This is how it went down in my head....

OH! His name is Gabriel!! I LOVE THAT NAME!!!! Ok, born in 1972, so he's 35, still in my age range...Wow, he's been acting since he was 8, that's a long time, he's gotta be doing well for himself....Born in the BRONX! YAY! He's a New York boy!!! Oh, Spouse, Jacinda Barett...that girl from the real world London, she's really pretty, I met her once, she asked me where the bathroom was when I worked at Kate's Paperie...Well, she was stunningly gorgeous so he has good taste! Still Crush worthy! Oh, and they are having a baby! Good for them.

"He is a huge New York Yankee fan."

Oh screw that.


Fin.

I wonder if he ever...

Former mayor of New York, Ed Koch, enjoying Knocked Up, Friday night at Loew's in the East Village. He is very old looking.

An Open Letter To The Man Of My Dreams aka Heath Ledger

Heathy baby,

I love you. You know I do. I think you are the most attractive man in the universe. But if you make one more depressing love story I am going to have to break up with you and hold out hope for someone else.

As I write this, I watch the end of the movie Candy. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it's tragic. And I know you like to flex those acting muscles, but any chance I can get A Knight's Tale 2 or 11 Things I Hate About You? That was a nice movie. Nice and neat in the end. I like those. I like it when Heath gets the girl in the end and you both stay alive and live happily ever after. You have your indie-cred. You got the nomination. Now give us ladies what we want instead of constantly flipping us off (or wait, is that only the papparazzi?).
And almost showing your peen in the movie? Tease.

While your next project where you play The Joker really excites me, I need a feel good film. Even Michelle made The Baxter. It was indie-light, but light all the same. So whaddya say Heath honey? Please, for me? Just a light romantic comedy? It'll put Matilda through college!

Love,

Your Dearest Jones

P.S. Next indie film you do, whip out the peen, the world is waiting.

P.P.S. Take a shower, you look crusty.

An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf:

Dear Shia,

Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.



I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.

Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.

Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.

Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.

Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.

And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.


Love,

Your Jonesy

PS Grrrrrrrrrr.