Tuesday, February 26, 2008

South Bea-yotch

I love you Nick Swardson.

Monday, February 25, 2008


I just found this old post. It's messed up in more way than one. I'm effing clairvoyant.

Something a little cheery after that last post...

This ALWAYS makes me chuckle:


But this is totally the type of guy I was referring to in the previous post.

The Guythagorean Theorem

In an email conversation with DMBMeg, we wondered why it's always the lame guys that like us the most. Sure someone awesome will want to diddle me every so often, but it's always the lamest, weeniest possible people who want to date me. The kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve and tells you what an "amazing person" you are. The kind of guy that cuddles. The kind of guy that wants you to take the lead in the bedroom ALL THE TIME. The kind that isn't really funny, doesn't have much personality...kind of like the Whitney Port of guys. In a sense, a big weenie.

I am totally his type.

I have a theory that when it comes to strong and independent minded women, manly men just stay away. It's like we are a threat to their machismo. Sure they can think we are hot and want to bone us but the second we assert ourselves and say what we want we get put on the shelf.

It's like Type-A doesn't mesh with another Type-A's. You hear about power couples and I think it's bull. It's either people in a relationship of convenience (Hillary and Bill) OR some sort of weird balancing act that only exists in a perfect world.

The math works out like this:

Type A + Type B = Power wife and Mr. Mom

Type A + Type A = devizzzle

Maybe it's because I say no and I argue and always think I'm right. Maybe it's because I'm so used to answering only to myself that I give off this "I am not one to be fucked with"-vibe. Maybe I just seem scary because I refuse to be something I'm not.

Or maybe it's all my problem. Maybe I am bound to end up with a lame-ass girly-man who lets me run the show and never challenges me. God I hope not. I thrive on the challenge and I want to be led. I want someone to prove me wrong and show me that they can be the boss of me. I want someone to take control and show me how it's done rather than the other way around. I want a teacher and a leader and someone who wants me to be the same. I want the one I'm not supposed to, the one that let me down (just under different circumstances). I wish I could go back in time and change some things and find a way to make it happen rather than giving up. I wish I had never had found out what he did but I would be delusional if I wasn't somewhat relieved that I have.

Since none of that is possible, I'm left to figure out where I'm going and what the hell I'm taking from all of this. I'm a getting stronger? Am I learning more about myself? Because lately I just feel lost, like I've been on the shelf for a while and if someone doesn't notice me soon I might expire. Life is happening all around me but it's not happening to me. Essentially, except for my job and number of sexual partners, I am in the same place I was four years ago. Sitting here, on the laptop, staying strong and still chasing the boys away, one weenie at a time.

Or maybe I just need to learn how to be the neck and learn how to keep control without letting a guy know I have it. Maybe I need to compromise and ease up. (I can think of three people who will scream: DUH! to this.)

So am I destined to marry someone who will be my bitch for the rest of my life or will someday, someone find my sense of self and opinions exhilarating and fun? Or am I just a hot mess who is confused with how the world works? Or someone who is obviously overlooking the right guy for her (this I don't think is true)? Or, gulp, am I just someone who was meant to be alone and live a more solitary life? Only time can answer those questions for me, but if this theorem works out...the girly-men of NYC better watch out.

Friday, February 22, 2008


How much worse can the spelling get on Flavor of Love? Season 1 it was funny, Season 2 it was redic. and now it's just horrid.

So examples:


If you can read these you have been watching this show for way too long.


Due to the crap-tastic weather my weekend getaway have been cancelled.

Now on my day off I am watching Tyra. There is, I shit you not, a 90 year old lady discussing vaginas and sex. I think I just got the stomach flu again.

Monday, February 18, 2008

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed..."

I came home today from a night at my mom's house. When I walked in my room, things seemed a little, er, off. Like there was definitely a Goldilocks in my room last night!

1. I couldn't find my effing remotes. They are always in my bed under the comforter. WTF?

2. The comforter itseld is on the bed the wrong way.

3. The pillows were out of order and the throw blanket was folded weird.

I wondered, "Who slept in my bed last night?" It had to have been London who like to crash in my room because she thinks hers is too loud, cold, bright etc. I don't care but she usually send me a text to give me the heads up.

Update: Suspicion confirmed as she told me when she walked in the door. I should have known by the comforter.

For real?

So Perez is saying that Steve Guttenberg is going to be on Dancing With the Farts this season...REALLY?

Part of me is so excited that I want to pee myself and the other half of me is like, WTF?

I always had a thing for Mahoney from Police Academy and Lobo from Don't Tell Her It's Me (I only know of one other person who knows of this film...if you do, you are awesome).

But this man has been in no where for the last like 10-15 years. Why make this your big comeback?

Also, Adam Corrolla may be on as well. Why do I picture him "accidentally" taking of his partner's dress exposing her boobs while Dr. Drew winces and Jimmy Kimmel cheers.

Who else are the gonna drag up to do this show? Here are a list of people I would LOVE to appear on Dancing with the Farts:

1. Manute Bol
2. Roger Clemens (with weekly testing for HGH)
3. The kids from Yo Gabba Gabba (especially Seth)
4. Rhea Perlman
5. Lark Voorhies (Where is she?)
6. Bobby Brown (his gyrating would make for some colorful remarks from Bruno)
7. Eric Stoltz in costume as Rocky Dennis
8. Ice-T's wife Coco
9. Stephen Baldwin (I can't get enough of this guy)
10. Daniel Baldwin (put these boys on the same season...it would be a train wreck!)
11. Pau Ruebens
12. Mystery

Any other suggestions of random folk they should get to make ASSES of themselves?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

An Open Letter to the girlfriend of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel

Whoever you are:

ARE YOU A MORON? You suck so bad. Even if he was cheating on you (which he's perfect so I don't think he ever wuld do that), you suck it up and deal like Nora Walker (as portrayed by the magnificent Sally Field) on Brothers & Sisters. Ignore it. Let it go. Because you will never get a man as good looking and full of awesome as you have right now.

Brother is so effing hot I would literally lick him on the face if I saw him in person. I would suck on his broken foot and I hate feet.

So seriously girl, get over yourself and tell the man what he wants to hear without being a menstrual beyotch. And make him a tape for Valentine's Day/YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

That is all.


PS Why is the world full of such shitty girlfriends when fabulous ones like me are left on the bench?

I word red and everything today. Happy v-day bitches!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I'm gonna get so skinny!

I can barely taste anything because my nose is so stuffed! Awesome!!! Skinny sickness is the best!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Is it just me?

Or does James on Paradise Hotel 2 look like Christian Bale...a lot.

You be the judge.

Also, as I was just on the PH2 website, I learned that one of the contestants has since died...that's really sad. How do you still air that? And the guy died like in October. When was this show taped? Does he die on the show? I hope not...but the show is on my9...they have a show called "Jail." I would not put it past them at all.


That's what my coughing sounds like. I seem to ave caught the NYC plague and am home sick today. Yet, I still find myself checking work emails constantly. I finally had to ask that they include someone else from my department on the emails because there is no way I can do this work from home. Will I ever get a break? I guess it's my fault for checking in...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

You can see this poor girl's thong outline. Hot mess.

The spice girls. Nassau. The bulk of the audience were in utero the last time they toured. I hate teens.

Monday, February 04, 2008

So football is over...

"It was time The Patriots let someone else win. They win all the time." - my roommate, Tiny Dancer who is a YANKEE FAN, who says "Psh" to me when I say this about the Yankees.

Can't have it both ways sista...What's good for the pigskin is good for whatever baseballs are made out of (cow leather?).

Let's go Mets! Yay Santana! (as I say as I am still recovering from last year). I'm ready for some BASEBALL!!!!!!

Thank to the East Village Idiot...

for pointing out this resurgence in Donkeylips' career.

Sunday, February 03, 2008


Tom Brady lost the Superbowl this year. He still puts is peen inside Giselle every night. So yea, he still wins.

Another weekend has come and gone

and Sunday anxiety is setting in while I (sorta) watch the Superbowl. Meh.

People in my building are shouting...that means the Giants just did something good.

Small realization this weekend...apparently you can call me Good Luck Jones. I have evidence of at least two hookups who started dating a girl right after we DI'd. Neither was someone I wanted to date, but it slims the odds of making them repeat offenders (which I have always found as an effective method to keep my overall number at a minimum). I always thought my pikachu had magic powers...too bad they don't work in my favor.


Saturday, February 02, 2008

The one time I wish I was Sarah Silverman...

Jimmy doesn't know! Jimmyh doesn't know!

I love Matt Damon.