Thursday, April 26, 2007

Spanish's Folly

I love my friend Spanish. But she's special when it comes to myspace.

Let me pre-empt this story with an explanation of one of Spanish's quirks. She just so happens to have the absolute WORST timing ever. She's the friend who calls me right after I fall asleep during a much needed nap. Or she just so happens to stop by right when I am taking my Friday afternoon pre-drinking nap. Or, right when they give out some nugget of knowledge on Lost, she'll call. She can't help it and it's not on purpose, she just has shitty timing with her communications. It's at the point, that when the phone rings while London and I are watching tv, she immediately asks, "Is that Spanish?" And starts laughing. A good 8 out of 10 times it is.

Back to her myspace retardation. Spanish has had a myspace profile for a while. For about a year she had no photo and 4 friends. Then it was a photo of bald Britney. Now, she finally sucked it up and actually made a profile. Luckily her brother-in-law helped her in these intial stages because I would have probably killed her. It started so innocently, with her asking me how to post picture in comments, etc. Then one day, she rejected a friend request. Turns out she knew the person and poor Spanish thought the girl would be mad at her. This conversation lasted a half hour. She's nice like that. I would have said, fuck it, if they want to be my friend enough they'll just request me again or I could not talk to them for abother 8 years, either way, I'm cool.

Last summer, Spanish, her husband and I went for ice cream. At Carvel. Which means, I'm getting a cherry bonnet. For those of you don't know, a cherry bonnet is vanilla soft serve on a waffle cone dipped in cherry sauce, which hardens over the ice cream.
Chocolate and cherry bonnets....delish.
IT'S AWESOME. Needless to say, I was made fun of, because really, who eats something called a cherry bonnet. Apparently the same people who eat a cake called Cookiepuss.

Meet Cookiepuss.

Earlier this week I went on a massive hunt for a Mister Softee truck during my lunch break. Knowing that they serve cherry bonnets, I was psyched. Then I got to the truck and found an even greater concoction. The Red Merlin. The Red Merlin is a cherry bonnet, with effing rainbow sprinkles (or jimmies for all of you people who don't know normal english) at the top of the cone. So the ice cream looks like a red wizard's hat with a sprinkled rainbow brim. AWESOME!!!! Alas, Mister Softee's vanilla was out of order so I had to deal with some crappy chocolate. But I digress....

So I immediately told Spanish about my wonderful new find and she immediately had to inform her husband. She chose myspace as the mode of delivery. I sent her a photo of something called the Nutty Merlin. After teaching her how to upload the photo and post-it (allbeit an impatient teaching session) she was like ok, I think I got it. Then she called to say it wasn't working. We worked through that issue. Mind you, I'm trying to watch TV and eat dinner.

About a half hour later, she called yet again, right as they are announcing who was going home on Dancing with the Farts (and yes, I say farts instead of starts because let's face it, the word fart will always be funny). She was laughing hysterically. I made her wait until I saw the one-legged wonder get the boot.

Through uncontrollable laughter she explained that instead of a comment she had posted a bulletin. The title was "come check out my image!"

The photo was of something called a Nutty Merlin. Which honestly, in the image, does not look too much like ice cream. She either comes of like 1. Someone who REALLY like ice cream. 2. A wierdo. 3. Someone who really likes nuts named merlin.

So please excuse anything Spanish may send you on myspace. She's a great friend and wonderful gal, but when it comes to myspaceing she's in the remedial class.

PS I've learned to turn my phone off during naps.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

An Open Letter To The Man Of My Dreams aka Heath Ledger

Heathy baby,

I love you. You know I do. I think you are the most attractive man in the universe. But if you make one more depressing love story I am going to have to break up with you and hold out hope for someone else.

As I write this, I watch the end of the movie Candy. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it's tragic. And I know you like to flex those acting muscles, but any chance I can get A Knight's Tale 2 or 11 Things I Hate About You? That was a nice movie. Nice and neat in the end. I like those. I like it when Heath gets the girl in the end and you both stay alive and live happily ever after. You have your indie-cred. You got the nomination. Now give us ladies what we want instead of constantly flipping us off (or wait, is that only the papparazzi?).
And almost showing your peen in the movie? Tease.

While your next project where you play The Joker really excites me, I need a feel good film. Even Michelle made The Baxter. It was indie-light, but light all the same. So whaddya say Heath honey? Please, for me? Just a light romantic comedy? It'll put Matilda through college!


Your Dearest Jones

P.S. Next indie film you do, whip out the peen, the world is waiting.

P.P.S. Take a shower, you look crusty.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Monday, April 16, 2007

I thought my laugh was bad

I hate my laugh. It's a cackle mixed with snorts. This girl is WAY worse.

An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf:

Dear Shia,

Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.

I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.

Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.

Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.

Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.

Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.

And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.


Your Jonesy

PS Grrrrrrrrrr.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Miss me?

I hope so. I've have been busy thoroughly enjoying the plastic easter egg filled with three cherry chapsticks the Easter Bunny left me. Even he knows about my quest to find the absolute best chapstick ever.

Pardon my absence. It has been due to some drunken evenings (which included the end of an era, like really, no more Waterloo, really, even when I'm really bored, never again, it's closed), family obligations (Do you think babies know it's Easter? My answer is: no. If they did they wouldn't cry during a delicious meal when everyone is trying enjoy some ham), potential life changes (leaving this one alone), laziness (I love to sit and watch tv all day), reformed gym going (yes, I saw Laverne, she says hello), reformed laziness (I only have a week's worth of work out clothes), and again, more drunkeness.

I promise I will be back soon with some quality posts. Maybe. No, really, I promise. Maybe. No, I swear this time.

PS Does anyone else love the way they whisper Sanjya's name on The Soup every weekend. I love you, Joe McHale.