Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Project Runway = Awkward City

Is it just me or did SJP seem like she was doing her best Tyra Banks (a la ANTM) on PR last week?

"And the next name that I picked..."

Stick to scripts.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

As I hate hell all Julias

As I've made it clear in the past, I hate Julia Stiles. Like really hate. Hate which exponentially grew as I watched Mona Lisa Smile this weekend (on the contrary, my love for Ginnfer Goodwin has grown to the ful fledged girl-crush).

But my hate for Miss Stiles (PLEASE DON'T GET MARRIED AND BREED!) isn't the extent of my hate for all things Julia. Watching Stiles and another Julia, Julia Roberts, made me want to puke in my mouth. Really ladies, phoning it in much?

I had something written here about another Julia I have never met. It was mean and unnecessarily harsh. I've deleted it because I don't know her and since she doesn't know me I felt that it was in bad form to keep it up here. Not that she would ever read this since she probably has a life.

But Julia Stiles, that bitch will go down if it's the last thing I do.

Monday, November 19, 2007

A List and a List revisited

I found this list I scribbled in my planner on the way home from a post-grad trip to Baltimore. This was composed in January 2005. Carly and I were on the Greyhound bus back to the city after a very long weekend of boozing and too many cigs. To amuse ourselves me made lists of qualities that our potential husbands MUST have. Now, almost three years later, I found the list, written in the finest of Bic ballpoint, in a pocket of said planner. Here is said list verbatim:

Husbandry (what he MUST have)

1. Good sense of humor
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes
5. Good with children
6.Wants to have children
7. Assertive
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way)
9. Hygenic
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets
11. Good sense of self
12. Know when to back down
13. Must appreciate quiet moments
14. Lets me have me time
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship
17. Faithful
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus
19. Good kisser & good at the studd
20. Likes to travel
21. Likes me for more than the outside
22. Not a worrier
23. Cann deal with my family
24. Be a best friend
25. Honest
26. can't be married to his work

26 THINGS! So young, so naive, so....effing awful. Someone hit old me wth a tree branch and knock in some reality. Here is that same list, with present day Jones's comments.

Husbandry (what he MUST have)--seriously...I hope my writing has gotten better than this.

1. Good sense of humor (a given)
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply) --(this is lame, and where would I meet a poet?)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top (BRING THEM ON! What was I thinking?)
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes (Screw this idea all together--unless we are staying in to bang.)
5. Good with children (Sure, but I don't know anyone who isn't)
6.Wants to have children (Like it or not I having them--that's what affairs are for--kidding)
7. Assertive (No. No. No. I like my men like my cream. Whipped.)
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way) (WTF does this even mean?)
9. Hygenic (Dear 2005 me, THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING!)
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets (still very true. I refuse to fight about baseball.)
11. Good sense of self (I could care less.)
12. Know when to back down (This is still true. I can't stand a person who doesn't know when to stop. Just as in drinking: If I'm getting pissed, I've had enough.)
13. Must appreciate quiet moments (Blah. Blah. Blah.)
14. Lets me have me time (ok, even then I knew I was a beyotch when I'm smothered)
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends (This is like #2 now. Homer and Mr. Krabbypatty told me I need their approval before bringing anyone into our "inner circle.")
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship (Old me makes me vomit sometimes.)
17. Faithful (Um, why is this #17 ?)
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus (I don't care if you believe the talking tree in FAO Schwartz is your Lord and Savior.)
19. Good kisser & good at the stuff (Hey, 2005 Jones, it's called sex and you've had plenty to be able to start calling it that. Also, don't hook up with that Brazilian in London...)
20. Likes to travel (Important, yes.)
21. Likes me for more than the outside (Yowsa, so 2005 Jones thinks she's fly....oh, she's just getting over the stomach flu so she's way skinny. Bitch, that shit don't last.)
22. Not a worrier (Someone's gotta worry about your drinking...might as well be a dude!)
23. Can deal with my family (This will never happen, should be changed to: Someone who wants to be around me and has developed an anxious but steady acceptance of my family)
24. Be a best friend (So corny it made me vomit.)
25. Honest (um, WHY IS THIS #25?)
26. Can't be married to his work (Screw this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...and leaves room for pool boy sex.)

Almost three years later the list has been diminished to the basics, someone clean, honest, faithful and lover of the Mets.

The only additions are as follows:

Must like booze.
Must not wake me up from sleep or midday naps.
Must be normal

The problem seems to lie within that last one. Oh well...

If you're wondering, this year I'm thankful I'm not the sad, lost soul who composed this rediculous list of high expectations and such. I am also thankful I am not that fugly, talentless bitch who calls herself Julia Stiles. Happy Turkey Week!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Great Moment in IM Conversations: 2 Girls, 1 Vomit

Jessy: where did you see it
Jessy: on youtube its all stupid responses to it
Jessy: i cant find the video
Jessy1: helpppppppppp
Jones: 2girls1cup.com
Jones: i suggest you dont watch it
Jones: it's GROSS
Jessy: OMGGGGGGGGGG
Jessy: what the fuck is wrong with the world
Jessy: im going to puke
Jones: so nasty
Jones: i almost did
Jones: London came running in the room
Jones: thought i was dying
Jessy: did she watch it
Jones: nope
Jessy: dont ever let her
Jones: i wont
Jessy: what did that girls eat
Jessy: her poops was huge and gross
Jessy: she must have had indian
Jessy: HAHAHAHAHAH
Jones: ur disgusting
Jessy: she needs more fiber in her diet
Jones: I showered after i watched it
Jessy: im taking out the bleach and starting to scrub


**Note: Like London, I met Jessy during study abroad in 2001. His IM name had been changed to Jessy, since the idiots at Mrs. Field's once messed up his name on the cookie cake I sent him for his birthday.**

Monday, November 12, 2007

Balls...or lack thereof

Today I checked my email to see I had two comments waiting for moderation. I thought to myself, "Self, you have a reader! Kudos to you! Someone likes to read your work!" Then I read what they said. Apparently an anonymous commenter has beef with dear ol' Jonesy. And since I don't take things lying down and this person obviously wants some attention, I will oblige and share your thoughts about me with the rest of the world.

Take this for example:

"Noone(sic) cares about you. Your(sic) a miserable brides maid(sic). Thats(sic) all you'll ever be. noone(sic) will ever love you "

"Wow," you may be thinking. That's way harsh. But five errors in three sentences? Who taught this person to write/read? Sloth from the Goonies? And I happen to be a pretty good bridesmaid. Ask my sisters or BFF or Spanish or Mrs. Krabbypatty. No misery there. Severe intoxication? Possibly. But not misery. And there are plenty of people who love me. So dear commenter, no need to worry your non-existent sac of cowardice.

Or what about this gem from a post about my dissapointment in the 2007 Mets season?

"and just like the men in your life, the mets woke up the following morring and said to them selfs,"wow, how did I fuck up that bad?"

Them selfs? Yowsa. I am dealing with a 5 year old with the mouth of a truck driver who's been in the road too long. And unless we've had all the sex, you have no reason to be criticizing. And if we have, you definitely wouldn't be saying that. Unless you're the guy that I brought home on St. Patrick's Day. The whole thumb tack thing...that was weird.

Also, these were posted at around 1 am on late Friday/early Saturday. Who is reading blogs then? Blogs are for reading at work when you're bored, not after you just completed a five hour internet porn binge. What, Bang Bus not hard core enough? Had to get your non-existent rocks off by picking on me?

Since this is such a personal attack I can only assume this is someone I know. And since I pretty much know who reads this, I have an idea of who it is. And I could care less. Just sad you can't say this to my face. The fact that you "don't care" is obviously not a fact. It's a lie. Because someone who didn't care wouldn't say such hurtful things. I have no idea why you're (see you put an apostrophe when it's two words...never mind, you're too dumb to understand) angry or what I did, but I can assure you that you have just proved every notion I ever had about you. There is much more I can say to you that would hurt far worse, but I'm better than you and you know that. You are a shell of a human being and I feel sorry for you.

If my intuition is failing me and this is a random stranger, I pity you. The fact that you put people down and hide behind anonymity is sad and small. Put down the keyboard and find some friends, maybe meet a girl. Maybe she'll touch your penis. I promise, it will help.

So that is my rebuttal to you, anonymous commenter. Take it as a Whitney Houston-esque, "KISS MY ASS!" Or better yet, in the wise words of one Janice Ian, "SUCK ON THAT! AYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYY!"

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Have you ever?

Have you ever had a day drag on so long that you feel like you've actually aged sittig at your desk?


Today is one of those days for me. And it bothers me that I have to be here tomorrow since I've finished that work too. Looks like it's time for me to take on new projects!!!

I find myself working ahead which eventually leaves me with nothing to do or just waiting on what other people have to look at. And since I work in an industry that's all about face time, I have to sit here and work because I would really like to get promoted some time soon!

The weekend may be right around the corner but it feels like a month away...OY!