Monday, November 19, 2007

A List and a List revisited

I found this list I scribbled in my planner on the way home from a post-grad trip to Baltimore. This was composed in January 2005. Carly and I were on the Greyhound bus back to the city after a very long weekend of boozing and too many cigs. To amuse ourselves me made lists of qualities that our potential husbands MUST have. Now, almost three years later, I found the list, written in the finest of Bic ballpoint, in a pocket of said planner. Here is said list verbatim:

Husbandry (what he MUST have)

1. Good sense of humor
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes
5. Good with children
6.Wants to have children
7. Assertive
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way)
9. Hygenic
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets
11. Good sense of self
12. Know when to back down
13. Must appreciate quiet moments
14. Lets me have me time
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship
17. Faithful
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus
19. Good kisser & good at the studd
20. Likes to travel
21. Likes me for more than the outside
22. Not a worrier
23. Cann deal with my family
24. Be a best friend
25. Honest
26. can't be married to his work

26 THINGS! So young, so naive, so....effing awful. Someone hit old me wth a tree branch and knock in some reality. Here is that same list, with present day Jones's comments.

Husbandry (what he MUST have)--seriously...I hope my writing has gotten better than this.

1. Good sense of humor (a given)
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply) --(this is lame, and where would I meet a poet?)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top (BRING THEM ON! What was I thinking?)
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes (Screw this idea all together--unless we are staying in to bang.)
5. Good with children (Sure, but I don't know anyone who isn't)
6.Wants to have children (Like it or not I having them--that's what affairs are for--kidding)
7. Assertive (No. No. No. I like my men like my cream. Whipped.)
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way) (WTF does this even mean?)
9. Hygenic (Dear 2005 me, THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING!)
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets (still very true. I refuse to fight about baseball.)
11. Good sense of self (I could care less.)
12. Know when to back down (This is still true. I can't stand a person who doesn't know when to stop. Just as in drinking: If I'm getting pissed, I've had enough.)
13. Must appreciate quiet moments (Blah. Blah. Blah.)
14. Lets me have me time (ok, even then I knew I was a beyotch when I'm smothered)
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends (This is like #2 now. Homer and Mr. Krabbypatty told me I need their approval before bringing anyone into our "inner circle.")
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship (Old me makes me vomit sometimes.)
17. Faithful (Um, why is this #17 ?)
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus (I don't care if you believe the talking tree in FAO Schwartz is your Lord and Savior.)
19. Good kisser & good at the stuff (Hey, 2005 Jones, it's called sex and you've had plenty to be able to start calling it that. Also, don't hook up with that Brazilian in London...)
20. Likes to travel (Important, yes.)
21. Likes me for more than the outside (Yowsa, so 2005 Jones thinks she's fly....oh, she's just getting over the stomach flu so she's way skinny. Bitch, that shit don't last.)
22. Not a worrier (Someone's gotta worry about your drinking...might as well be a dude!)
23. Can deal with my family (This will never happen, should be changed to: Someone who wants to be around me and has developed an anxious but steady acceptance of my family)
24. Be a best friend (So corny it made me vomit.)
25. Honest (um, WHY IS THIS #25?)
26. Can't be married to his work (Screw this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...and leaves room for pool boy sex.)

Almost three years later the list has been diminished to the basics, someone clean, honest, faithful and lover of the Mets.

The only additions are as follows:

Must like booze.
Must not wake me up from sleep or midday naps.
Must be normal

The problem seems to lie within that last one. Oh well...

If you're wondering, this year I'm thankful I'm not the sad, lost soul who composed this rediculous list of high expectations and such. I am also thankful I am not that fugly, talentless bitch who calls herself Julia Stiles. Happy Turkey Week!

1 comment:

London Danielle said...

OMG this was so funny. I made a list too except mine was 4 pages long. DOUBLE SIDED. Seriously.

Also, I HATE JULIA STILES TOO!! I call her a cat with a pushed in face. You know the ones I'm talking about.