Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Flavor of Jones

Since it seems that the news is now completely dominated by celebrity goss, I am trying something new. Inspired by FLAVOR FLAV! I have decided to bust out a few names of my own for some famous people, so we don't have to go to the trouble of remembering (or for that matter even learning) their real names until we are sure we actually give a shit about them.


From know on, thou shalt be known as Senator Tailcoatz.


Why do I get the feeling these guys will be visiting your local trailer park sometime soon. It's Lyfe Ruiner and Pathetick.


How you doin Plasstick? Tell ya sister Jeenyis I said hey.


Look, it's everyone's favorite fake couple! Know to be known as Beerd and Clozited.


Hide your diet pills and get your barf bags ready for Skynnie and Starvz.


Say hello to my new friend Drugz.


His name may not be on the back of his jersey, but you can call him Wayste of Doh.


He sang about him and dressed like him so I now dub him: Jeezus.


Oh look, it's everyone's favorite child star, Cleeshay.


This one is obvious. Meet Siphiliss.

Friday, October 20, 2006

What becomes of the broken heeeeeeaaaarrrrrrrrrrted?

A day of heartbreak.

1. The Mets-we won't even go there. I still love them dearly but let's not. even. go.

2. Haley Joel Osment sees drunk people now.

3. I still have my plague on MySister'sBacheloretteParty Eve.

4. T.R. Knight (aka George O'Mally, my McDreamy) cleaned out his closet and found his McGay. Women like me all over the world die a little inside. I should have seen it coming.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The verdict: Guilty of heartbreak in the first degree. I hope some nice guy makes a McDreamy out him.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Happy Birthday to me!

As some of you know, I turned 25 this past Monday. And karma decided a suitable gift would be strep throat, a wicked headache and an awful fever. So sorry for the lack of wit and recap of my party. Let's just say that I am paying for my sins of the weekend...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Who would I give a Volvo to? Apparently unhappily married couples with wackjob kids.

Ok, I love kids. They are cute and cuddly and say the darndest things. But if I see this little girl on TV one more time I may just have to swallow some bleach.

Let's analyze:

1. So it looks like she's being picked up a little late by Daddy. Or maybe it's a little early. Because she puked or pooped herself. And they already used her extra set of clothes that they make everyone bring in the first day of kindergarten so teacher dressed her in the rejects from the 3rd grade production of "Annie."

2. WTF is she saying? "...they're really good and they lived in the house that he likes the most but one day they wanted to change the color of him..." Umm, that sounds racist. Looks like teacher was reading "Song of the South" that day. Let's continue...

"Just a pretend stick but it really thin and it has legs and I don't know what it is..." Yea. I do. It's called a switch. Or a whip. Like the one they used to hurt Jesus like you saw in "Passion of The Christ" yesterday in your crazy teacher's class. And if you don't make this floor shine like the top of teh Chrysler building...I digress.

"And there's worms and some bugs." Yes. That's what you see when you die.

"Mom talked about it. But his head is so tiny..." Yes Daddy, mom told me your head is so tiny. But not the one on top of your neck...

This guys looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Stephen King

3. Maybe racist teacher told this little girl that if she was creative and told Daddy stories, that maybe just maybe, he won't leave, or hit her anymore, or make her wear the Amishiest clothes I have ever seen. Maybe. I wonder what he's thinking.

"It's so easy. I just pull the car in the garage, let her out and shut all the windows. Then I'll be able to go to sleep. Forever."


"Damn bitch. She said adopting would make us feel like Angelina and Brad or Madonna and Guy."


He's has a commercial stuck in head all day long and can't get it out so he's gonna gop home and take it out on his blog.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Total Request ew

Hi, my name is Jonesy from New York, NY and I want to give a shout out to my girlies that live on the Upper East. And at number one today is my request for Carson Daly to go eat a sandwich today..WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!

I know, I know

I've been a bad Jonesy. I've been a little crazed so I haven't had to much time to post, but here's a little weekend love for you all. In case you missed K-Fed on CSI last night...

Unfortunately, they don't have his full performance on YouTube in which he quotes the line:

"This little piggy cried wee, wee, wee all the way home."

You can't make TV gold like that up. If anyone finds it let me know!

In other news, My birthday party is this weekend, so I'm sure I will have fun tales of debauchery from this Saturday night, when I slowly drink my youth away!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I heart this soooo much!

An Open Letter to the New York Mets

Dear New York Mets (most importantly Willie, Carlos, David, Carlos2, Jose, Paul, Jose2, Endy, Tom, Steve, Orlando, Chris, and Julio):

Hi guys. Just wanted to let you know that I am a huge fan of yours. Like really huge. Not meaning that I'm fat, I just really like you guys A LOT.

It all started back in 1986. I was 5. David, you were just 3 or 4. My Dad wanted to spend more time with his daughters and since that other New York team (which he is a fan of) wasn't doing so well, he decided to take us to see baseball played at its best. I don't remember too much about Shea Stadium back then. But I remember liking the hotdogs and the name Dykstra (I still heart you Lenny). I remember the song of that year (We got the team work, to make the dream work, Let's Go! Let's go Mets!) I was too young to remember Game 6 (I bet Bill Bucker still has someone kick him in the balls every night for his mistake) of that World Series, and the Game 7 win.


led to This!!!!:

As I grew up we grew apart for awhile. I didn't come to your house for many years because, well, you were in Queens, I didn't have a car, and I liked cheerleading more than baseball. I didn't sell out like some others, I just kind of forgot about you and you well, forgot how to play baseball. Let's face it, you really sucked. But deep down I still loved you and supported you.

Flashforward to me as a teen. I found you again. You got your shit together. I supported our dear friend Mike with open arms. I clapped for Rey Ordonez even though I knew that most of the time, he was going to strike out. And then you came through. In 2000, you shocked us with your Wild Card win. And then actually playing like magic to make it to the World Series. That was great! Deep down, I knew you wouldn't win but I was overjoyed! You didn't suck! No one could make fun of us! Actually, the obnoxious fans of that other New York team could but they are obnoxious and mostly ugly and probably play on dodgeball teams called The Hotness.

But then what happened? Half of you left leaving Mike to carry a torch with a fat first baseman and a team that he couldn't commuincate with because no one spoke English. It felt like the early 90's all over again. But I stayed. And I cheered. I gave you everything. I even accepted Mike's blond facial hair. Give me some credit here.

Much like Jason Giambi's weirdo 'stache, in the days of yore, Piazza rocked some odd hair.

Flash to 2005. A shining ray of hope in the form of a very very very HOT third baseman named David. He came to us. And it was good.
The tongue thing just does it for me.

I understand why Mike had to go. He was getting a little old and lets face it, no team can have that much hotness at one time. You said next year is now. And while the division was tough last year and you were all so close, next year ended up not being now.

This year you told me it was the team and the time. And I believe you. I bought tons of tickets. I even travelled to that other New York team's house to play with you. I have spent more than I can afford of $6-7 beers and $4 hotdogs (which, by the way, you should have never have gotten rid of Kahn's, they were so much better). I have invested my time in you. And it's paid off. You've been working hard. You want to do well.

So I have one small favor to ask. Please don't ef this up. Even the Red Sox fans are counting on you. You scared me last week with your nonsensical losses. So play well, be strong, and I'll see you Thursday. I'll be the one screaming in the blue and orange.


Ms. Jones
(David's future wife)

P.S. Really, though, just do your best. Let's go Mets!