Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.
I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.
Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.
Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.
Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.
Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.
And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.