Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Friendly PSA: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE
In the early 1990s, my sister and I used to snuggle and watch USA's night time program "Up All Night." They had a big boobied host who would show crappy B-movies. One night, at around 11 pm, we tuned in to see they were airing "My Bloody Valentine" a 1981 horror film about mass murders in a mining town.
We did not live anywhere near miners, coal and/or killers, but I assure you, that movie scared the Jebus out of us. To this day, we cannot year the song "My Funny Valentine" without getting scared. The sight of a pick axe gives me goose bumps. For years, we have made jokes of this movie and how scary it is just to cover up the fact that sometimes at night we still remember how effing scared we were.
FOR SHAME LIONSGATE! How could you do this to us! Make a re-make of the movie that has forever made me a scaredy cat. And who do you cast? JACK FROM DAWSON'S CREEK! WTF? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
And how do you shoot the movie? IN 3 EFFING D!!!! No, it wasn;t scary enough the first time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you had to go and make it way scarier. Lionsgate, you are just mean and cruel and I hate you.
So please, I urge you all. Do not attempt this cinematic adventure. You will only regret it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!