Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Denise Fleming is a Tampon (and other things that have made women crazy).

Okay, I've just about had it with men calling women crazy. I will be the first to admit. Yes. We bitches be crazy. But the reason why? Dudes. Men. Guys. Boys. Anything with a peen.

Would Carrie have flipped off the deep end if that guy hadn't faked being her date at the prom? No.

Would Denise Fleming have become a freaky loner if it weren't for Kenny Fisher bad-mouthing her?

Would Whitney have become a crack whre without Bobby? (Kiss My Ass!)

Would Britney have gone bonkers if it weren't for the loss of K-Fed (okay, sort of debatable since she's kind of clinical).

You get the idea.

I am going to use myself as a prime example. I am normal. Seriously, as normal as they come. I'm kind of known for it. Sure, I stress and have insecurities an whatever but I think pretty rationally and have been known for my normalcy. I'm actually pretty fun to be around most of the time (especially when there is booze-yay!).

Then something happens. Add a guy into the mix, nay, and asshole guy into the mix. All of a sudden my clothes start ripping and a giant green monster named Lou Ferigno takes over and I become The Incredible Bitch.

The Incredible Bitch's triggers include but are not limited to:
1. Insult
2. Neglect
3. Lack of orgasms
4. Blatant disregard for feelings/apathy
5. Mind fucking

Her talents include:
1. Introducing herself to every skeleton in your closet
2. Anger fucking
3. Facebook stalking

Also a factor: birth control. Mix that with a douchebag being douchey and The Incredible Bitch will CUT YOU!

Luckily, I have been able to supress this inner entity for quite some time (with some minor facebook stalking offenses) since, sadly I have been without any jerk stores in my life (yay!).
The monster is lying dormant right now, and with the spring coming, my search for a new crush in full force, and assholes aplenty in Manhattan, I fear for this fair city.

So boys, let this be a warning. You are the reason we get the crazies from time to time. Stop. Being. Such. Dicks.


Vittoria said...

i would actually argue that in the second part of your post you are more normal than the first.

of course, normal is a relative term. guess that suggests more about me than you.

whatever. i say you are super fabulous either way.

Mjones said...

Vittoria - So maybe crazy is normal and it's just douchetards that make me feel otherwise...interesting!

Anonymous said...

Best posting title ever...ever!

Mjones said...

I knew you would like that one. Maybe a Trip McNeely post is due. - Jones