Betcha Can't Eat Just One

I love how I can relate anything to snacks.


MJones: It's like I've been put on a shelf. Like a bag of chips that was opened and tried and tasted good, but since no one wants to eat a whole bag of chips at once, I got put on the shelf.
dm: well u shut ur bag
dm: u know- of chips
dm: or whatever
MJones: I'm trying
MJones: but the chips you see, the sort of like the dip
MJones: well they did, until it went rotten
dm: ur gonna go stale
dm: meaning that ur the open bag of chips
MJones: yea, i understand, but you can't just reseal a bag of chips
MJones: you have to eat them all until you feel bad about it
dm: oh sure u can...they make those now
MJones: OH HELL YEA! Im cashing in my bag for a container. I'm upgrading to Pringles!
dm: hahahaha
dm: and pringles dont break into pieces
MJones: and they dont taste good with dip
dm: NICE
dm: yeah they have their own flavor
MJones: they are a stand alone snack and dont need condiments to get by
MJones: BUT
MJones: if they so choose, they aren't half bad with say, some sour cream and onion flavoring
dm: exactly
MJones: ps this is so going on the blog
dm: obviously
MJones: is it bad that i want chips now?

I take pills for that

Dear Old Navy Marketers/Billing Office,

I know it's been a long winter and yea, maybe I've put on a few. But when you mail me my bill and include a coupon/insert for maternity clothes I have to draw the line. Thank you for giving me the full motivation to become a reformed gym bunny who magically gets back her once gloriously hot bod.


Sincerely,

Miss Jones

PS Suck it.

VOTE FOR HIM!

Idol sucks this year so I am officially voting for this guy...HA!

Gotta Love Those Fug Gals

Just read.

Well Played, Winnie Cooper

A History Lesson: As taught by HBO and Showtime

Like most of NYC, I had to take a sick day because I woke up feeling like crap on stick. The constant coughing and blowing my nose didn't allow me to get much rest so I decided to use my HBO and Showtime OnDemand channels to waste some time (only after I watched my one of my FAVE episode of Dawson's Creek...the one with the Senior prank..."It's a karma thing!").

First up, catching up on some episodes of Rome. What girl wouldn't want to spend some time on the couch watching the sexy bald brute Titus Pullo kick some ass (or bite, or stab or whip, he's so effing hot!)? Or Atia put all uber-bitches to shame? I implore you all, watch this show...I'll give you another reason in a moment.

Pullo: So hot right now.

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Next, on to the first two episodes of The Tudors on Showtime starring sexy/ugly (still can't quite figure it out, sometimes he's just plain gross other times I wouldn't mind some sexy time) man Jonathan Rhys Myers as Henry VIII. Yes, the fat guy who had 6 wives and liked turkey legs. I guess he was sexy/ugly when he was young, and that's where the show starts.

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So what historical lesson did I take away from these programs? What great insight to I have into the past? What is the one thing I can take away from our great leaders and figure heads of the past?


They all had sex. LOTS AND LOTS OF IT! Literally, boobs on screen every few minutes. Octavian was into S&M, Henry VIII liked taking girls from the back, Cleopatra and Mark Antony could do it standing up after beating the crap out of each other. Literally, I saw more sets of boobs today than I think I ever will again. So yea, that's what I learned. Sex was important. And doing it with a King, Counsel, or hired muscle looks freaking awesome.

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Unless it's like this. This is just gross. And what's on her face? You know what, I don't even want to know.

I love the smell of beer and shame in the morning

Have any of you heard of National "She's Funny That Way Day?"

This year it falls on March 31. Last year, it was on March 18, the day after St. Pat's. Both Spanish and The Future Mrs. Krabbypatty have heard this before but I think it should ALWAYS be the day after St. Pat's.

Why? Because St. Pat's is one of the few days a year you can be a complete fucktard and laugh it off the next day with out any regret...well, most of the time.

Here are some conversational examples where this could work.


Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She was so wasted she leaned on a tack and had to like pull it out of her hand. Then she acted like it never happened. Like it didn't even hurt because she was so drunk. Like it was going to magically heal like that girl on Heroes.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She made out with me in the ally behind the bar and then tried to pay the bouncer to let her back in.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She broke out into hysterics, like crying and stuff, so I gave her another drink and she was totally fine.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: We went home together and hooked up and then she got dressed and proclaimed that she wanted to go back out and I had to leave. She like, kicked me out and didn't even try to say goodbye.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: I think she gave me the clap...on purpose.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.

You get the idea. Be thankful St. Patrick's Day is just one day a year.


**Note: All or none of these things may or may not have happened to me or my friends on Saint Patrick's days from theyears 2000-2007, you be the judge of what's real and what's false..**

March Madness

Is it just me or has this been one of the most wild weeks ever? Due to some job stuff I've been on crazy edge which as a result I have proven to alienate most of the people around me, most of which know that when crap like this happens just ignore it and I will get back into my proper senses.

People got engaged, babies were born, people are losing jobs and more serious crap...all this week. It's like a clusterfuck of crazy happenings, all big, all exciting, some good, some bad. It's a tornado of events leading to everyone I know begging for the weekend to come so they can a) get crazy drunk or b) sleep.

It's hard to get into detail without giving away who people are or breaking someone's trust but believe you me...I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me the sky is falling.

Ok enough seriousness...have I mentioned that I watched my boss kiss his son on the lips,like a peck but still? I don't have brothers...is this normal?

"You're killing me Smalls!"

Thanks to Tiny Dancer, I had a revelation last night.

I was wondering where I had seen the guy who plays Jimmy on The Black Donnellys before....

Can't quite place it? It's Thomas Guiry. AKA Smalls in the greatest children's sport movie ever, The Sandlot.

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Kudos, Thomas...I thought you were done forever after that Lassie re-make.

JUST SAY NO TO BJ!

Like I felt obligated to warn all men against murses or man purses, I am officially making a new PSA. It is geared towards all mother's with new baby girls. Now I know that not all little ones are born with flowing locks and that it can be hard to determine the sex of your baby while wearing a white onesie. But please, please, stop putting jewelry on your babies. Stay away from BJ (baby jewelry). Don't pierce their ears, don't put a bangle on them and for the love of our lord baby infant Jesus Christ, do NOT give them rings (even Spanish who is pro-BJ admitted this is just a choking hazard).

That's right. Step away from the baby jewelry counter. Put down the ice cube and safety pin (which is how Spanish said her baby ears were pierced).

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This baby is having BJ nightmares.

Why am I so against BJ? Because: 1. It's just tacky. 2. It makes baby girls look like little hookers. 3. Your daughter will be a whore if she wears BJ...I mean c'mon, BJ leads to BJ's. 4. It's really effing ugly.

Also, please refrain from putting those elastic on your baby's head so it looks like she has a bow on. She just looks like a groom missed when he threw a garter and it landed on you babys dome.

All you need to do:

1. Dress the baby in pink, preferably a dress of some sort.

2. Give her a "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" bib.

3. Stick a baby doll in the carriage.

THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just might be...

some of the greatest tv writing ever from Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.


Izzie: You know when you don’t have sex for a while you sort of forget how good it is and you don't really need it as much?

George: Yeah, that doesn't happen to guys.

Izzie: It’s like a beast, a beast that was asleep for a long, long time. And now the beast is wide-awake and wants to be fed and the food that Alex gave it-- it was good food George.

George: Something needs to be done about your taste.

Izzie: Ah, you’re just jealous because your beast is still asleep.

George: My beast isn’t asleep. My beast never sleeps.


Ay, me.

HAPPY BERFDAY TO...

MY BLOG!!!!! Today officially marks the 2nd anniversary of this blog. We've come a long way baby...

We've ditched my identity all together

We've ditched the inital ugly blue layout

We've given ourselves a little face lift with some artwork

We've linked to Youtube so we are video capable

We've linked to other bloggers so that when we are lazy readers won't feel bored

We've introduced you to characters like Spanish, The Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty, London, Spike, Tiny Dancer and Laverne

And we've made an ass of ourself time and time again and shared it with you...

So Kudos to us, for keeping up with my blog so you peeps (all 2 of you) can have something to do when you mastur...I mean, procrastinate.

I miss my Little Mr. Thirsty

Last week, I had to go to the dentist. Before I landed my job last year, I still commuted home to Westchester to see my childhood dentist Dr. O. Literally, his last name is kind of hard to pronounce so we call him Dr. O. He rules. He has the gentle hands and kick ass hygenists who like to compliment my teeth ("You have such straight teeth!" And no braces? You are so lucky!") and distract me while they use their tools of death so it doesnt hurt. He even calls the suction thingie "Little Mr. Thirsty."

Flash forward. Last year. I get my dental insurance card. Dr. O doesn't take my plan. So I tried to weigh out the costs, $200 per visit to Dr. O for a cleaning twice a year or just find a new guy until I get an insurance plan that will bring me back to my beloved Doc. I chose the latter and settled with a guy who has an office near Central Park, not too far from where I work (figuring I can fit appointments into lunch hours).

On my first visit to my new tooth man I immeditaley noticed the marble floors and plush leather couches. "Kick ass!," I thought to myself as I waited and read magazines like Vanity Fair and W. Dr. O carried Highlights for Children and People. As I walked into an exam room, I noticed his walls were covered with photos. Photos of celebrities like the girl who plays Meadow Soprano and Faith Evans. B-listers, yes, but celebrities with good teeth nonetheless. I was impressed.

The hygenist sat me in her high-tech looking chair and gave me x-rays that popped up on this expensive looking computer. Cool enough, right? Then it all went to poo. She started talking about what a bad day she was having and how she got in a car accident and how her boyfriend is cheap. All the while, she was maiming my mouth with that pointy scraper thingie. She didn't even have her little mirror out. It was terrible pain, the likes I have never felt before from my Dr. O's kick ass hygenist, Pam (I miss you!).

I chalked it up to inexperince. I waited for the Doctor to come in. They told me I had only made an appoinment for a cleaning, not a check-up and I would have to come back....WTF? This is news to me. I mean really, doesn't the dentist just do the once over anyway and only intervenes if there are real issues??? But I had no choice but to make another appointment for a month later, during which I sat there for 30 minutes to wait for the new tooth man. He walked in. Wearing jeans. And a tight t-shirt that he shouldn't be really wearing. I wondered, is he going to a costume party dressed like Simon Cowell? I shook it off and let him exam me, which apparently cosists of his putting on some blue gloves and poking around my mouth for about 4.2 seconds and then asking me if I ever considered closing the small gap in my teeth. I told him, no, but he pretty much forced me to consider it after making me feel like a little girl in the schoolyard being made fun of.

Six months later. Crap, Dr. O is still not a fan of my insurance. I made another appointment with Dr. Cowell because I'm lazy and didn't feel like trying to find a new guy. I made sure to specify a check-up and cleaning so I wouldn't have to go back again. I was psyched to see that I had a different hygenist for my cleaning. She seemed nice enough. She got me ready for x-rays and asked me if I was pregnant. I said no. She said, "Lucky you."

WTF? Ok, I know I'm unmarried and have no engagement ring nor do I want a baby anytime soon, but what if I was a lesbian who was trying but couldn't get preggers. Would I be lucky then? NO! She crossed a line there and I don't care if she was insinuating that she was knocked up. Lady, keep your babies to yourself and clean my teeth.

Mind you it's my lunch break and I only have an hour. I had already waited 20 minutes. She looks like she wa about to start and says, "Oh God! Did you see Britney Spears???"

WTF? Lady, you are aboutto put Little Mr. Thirsty in my mouth and I won't be able to talk, so please, let's keep the Britney banter to a minimum ok? She then went on to discuss J.Lo and how good she looks and blahblahblah while stabbing me with her little sharp tool. BLOOD! EVERYWHERE! PAIN! Apparently she was the evil twin of the first hygenist. So she finishes, barely puts any effort while poliching my teeth and then calls the Doc in.

I started to laugh. He was wearing jeans. And a tight black t-shirt. Dr. Cowell dresses like this on a regular basis. Holy Crap! Where are his khakis and his lab coat??????? Once the humor wore off I looked closer. This guy goes tanning!!! I bet he has a young girlfriend named Bambi that he takes to the Carribean while his wife stays home and takes care of their kids. Oh yea, and you know he totally has a Ferrari. WHile I sat there sitting blood, Dr. Cowell mentioned the gap again. WTF? I felt emtionally raped. NO. MEANS NO.

Then it hit me. This guy was like once the McSteamy of dentistry. He's a fix-it guy who specializes in cosmetic dentistry who just happens to also offer check-ups!!! Hence, the "Put some sex appeal in your smile." on his business card. He examined me mouth again for like 4.2 seconds and sent me on my way.

Now all I can do is pray that Dr. O will come to his senses and take my insurance...please sweet Jesus. Save me from fake Simon Cowell, the dentist from hell.

I think I'm bleeding....

So in my cube at work I have this poster. It's a Ziggy poster. Like the loveable cartoon. Cheesy? Yes. But it's better than one of those cats hanging froma clothesline or babies with fedoras and saxophones ("I like your poster Angela.")

Ziggy turned 35 last year so he's standing on the number 35.


My boss's son just asked me if I got it for my birthday when I turned 35....OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I should be sent home now.


I promise more to come soon about my crazy dentist visit...But here's a taste. When I took his card at the end of my visit I noted his slogan: "Put some sex appeal in your smile!" SERIOUSLY?

Winter Blues

February has left me uninspired, hence the utter lack of posts. And while my friends go on vacays and make plans for summer, I go to work and watch tv...Stay tuned folks...

Somewhere, Someday

VIVA LA JAM

You've met Barney Stinstson, now meet my other favorite funny man, Jim Halpert.

Jim + Pam = True Luv 4 Eva

Why is it...

that every time I walk into the living room when London or TD is watching 24 I always see a random actor?

Ok, ok I know. I should watch the show. The fact of the matter is, I already watch too much TV and if I try to catch up on five seasons and add something else into the mix I'm going to be plastered to my couch forever. But really, the show has piqued my interest lately with its crazy mix of random actors whose names I don't know including Audrey from Vegas Vacation, Montgomery McNeil from Fame/Dr. Romano from ER, Gabriel Demas (ok, I know his name is Eric Balfour) from Six Feet Under, Cyril O'Reilly from Oz, and the guy with the strange accent from Ghostbusters 2/Ally McBeal.

Perhaps I will have some catching up to do this summer. But only after I celebrate what I am now dubbing DAWSON'S CREEKENDS! I have decided that over every weekend for the next few months I will watch every episode of Dawson's Creek, from start to finish. Seriously. Every. last. one. This means 128 episodes including the 2-hour finale.

In order to complete my DAWSONS CREEKENDS! I will need to obtain Seasons 5 & 6 on DVD. Donations will be accepted. Anyone interested in participating can contact me at missjonesblog@hotmail.com. Or if you are one of those special people who actually know me, just pick up the phone and call.

Yes, I have no life.

"GET THE CHAMPAGNE!"

Ok, so this girl is psycho. And is it just me, or does one of the the bridesmaids look like one of those manly triplets from MTV's Super Sweet 16?

I think this could be fake, but if not, God help the poor groom.



Take note Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty-if you pull a stunt like this we will be laughing at you.

And full credit goes to Spanish, for sending this link.

I Need a Hero...

Anyone else share this sentiment? It seems that everyday heroes are popping up everywhere these days. From Wesley Autrey to Hiro Nakamura it seems like everyone else is getting their fill of valiant efforts made by regular folks. But not me (well, maybe I get a little from Hiro, since he makes me laugh out loud every Monday night).


Sure I've had my brush with the amazing every so often. Take my normally lax superintendent for example. A small rodent, who I'll call Mickey, decided to invade my apartment a few weeks ago when I was gone for the weekend. London caught a glimpse of the little fellow and given her past history with these little creatures she wasn't having anything to do with them. When I came back to my apartment after a long relaxing weekend in the 'chester, I spotted sticky traps neatly lined in front of her door and strategically placed in the kitchen. I didn't even say hello.


Me: No!!!!!

London: Yes.

Me: When.

London: Saturday night.

Me: Where?

London: Under the couch and into my room

Me: Nooooooooooo! Not again! Sweet Jesus, not again.


End Scene.


Monday night, during the greatest night of TV ever, Mickey decided to come over, unannounced and uninvited. I watched her little brown bod scurry to his demise in one of London sticky traps. As he writhed around (I admit, I felt really bad, ya know, 'cause all God's creatures have a place in the choir) I screamed.


Me: London!!!!

London: What?

Me: It's in a trap!

London: What????

Me: It's stuck...what do I do?

London: I don't know.

Me: EW EW EW It's looking at me!

London: Call the super.

Luckily, my phone was in my lap so I could avoid having to get up and face any of Mickey's friends. I called the super. I kid you not. The same man who told us to clean out our cabinets so he could fill the holes in our walls and then took 3 weeks to do anything about it. When I explained the problem he said, "I'll be right up." That night he became, in my bright hazel eyes, Super Super, my hero.

Flash to Paris, end of August, 2001. It's a late night. Jonesy has imbibed many glasses of French wine and a bottle of French beer that looked like a forty ounce (which she stole from a cabaret, the cabaret during which she yelled "DEEP THROAT IT!" to the sword swallower...oops.) Jonesy and a few others get separated from their tour group. One of the others is a girl from San Diego who has never drank before and decides to go up to random people on the street and ask for directions. One of these people, a surly looking French fellow decides to grab Jonesy and start taking her away from the group. Luckily, when I'm drunk, I'm very loud, so when I shouted "LET GO!" a member of the group, Boston College Dave (who did not attend BC) came running to her rescue and pulled out a pocket knife, almost like he was in The Outsiders. He was my SodaPop that night and I will never forget that.



Beyond that I got nothing. Nothing beyond what I see on TV. And what I see on TV is glorious. One hero for everyday of the week:

Sunday:









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Titus Pullo and Marcus Veroneus on HBO's Rome. Both have killed for the women they love...HOT!

Monday:












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Totally trying to right wrongs done to their families and the women they love (RIP Veronica).

And let's face it, what lady doesn't mind that Linc the sink always has his top button undone?

Tuesday:













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Christopher Meloni, Law & Order: SVU. Angry cop with a temper. Also seen with full frontal on OZ as an angry prisoner with a temper. Either way, I'll take it.


Wednesday:














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Dr. Jack Shepard. Even though I have a love/hate relationship with Lost (which is more hate right now) but still, he's pretty. I would let him save me any day.

Thursday:
















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No need for words. P. Demps. So hot right now.

Friday:

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Basic cable hot: this guy from Psych. Very observant and funny. Reason enough to rethink going out on Friday nights.

Saturday:

Well, there really isn't any new TV on Saturday nights and lord knows I wouldn't let any of those messes on SNL save me. So I guess I'll have to be my own hero on Saturday nights, albeit a drunk one, but a hero nonetheless. Until I find a real one...

Finally!

"I do a little bit of karokey every so often...."

I know at least one person is going to yell at me for posting anything American Idol related...but c'mon.

Why am I waiting for Paul Bearer to come walking in with an urn...