After an extra long weekend that included extra debauchery, I had an epiphany while emptying a floater beer can into my sink (I have no idea whose it was, or for how many days it had been on my window sill, but that's neither here nor there).
I have decided that most (I refuse to say all because I'm a journalist and I have to cover my ass somehow) heterosexual (I only say this as I have no dating and or romantic experience with gay men) men (minus just the blatant assholes or as I refer to them now as a Karev, they are summed up in that one word alone) can be categorized into three basic categories and that Grey's Anatomy has officially introduced us to them all (and has also brought some fab new descriptions into the lexicon).
I will start with the McSteamy, not because he's my least favorite or the least attractive by any means but because he is the most vague. He is an enigma and a paradox and any other word that sounds vague and magical. In fact, he's the most attractive type of man (sans professional models and most major actors since I regard them as super-people and not part of the human race). He's the guy who walks past you on the street and you just have to stare. He's the guy that asks to bum a cigarette and you hand it over without saying a word, because in all honesty, you have no idea what to say to that kind of hotness. Or you say something really witty but wonder if it sounded completely dorky because people that hot don't need wit to get by.
He's the guy you would hook up with in a second, just because he's hot, but would make you so self-conscious the whole time you were together. He's to his friends especially when he wants something, but if they stand in the way of what he wants he'll betray them in a heartbeat. Sex and women come first. He's as charming as all hell, and will say almost anything to break any resistance you might have to his charms. At times he can seem sleazy, but he can flash a smile to make up for it. Every relatively attractive girl is the right girl.
He is vain. Appearances are more important than honesty. He would sleep with your sister. He'll cheat but he'll be really sorry about it. He’s always up for a one-night stand. You can never really KNOW him.
I met a McSteamy this weekend. He told me he was getting his Master’s and I think I remember him saying he was my age. Some myspace investigation revealed that he is 21. I was McSteamed.
Mr. Big (pre-S&TC finale)
Hugh Grant in half of his movies
Onto the McDreamy, which is quite similar to the McSteamy with varying degrees of hotness. The major difference, McDreamies actually fall in love. They have honor and try to be good, but their undeniable sex appeal and sweetness attract way too many women for them to turn away. They are the kind of man that you think you would be lucky to marry. They’re smart. They look good holding babies and walking dogs. They look good wearing just about anything. They want to be the best they can for you but inevitably they have to fall short.
He’s the man you would tell your mom you met. He’s the man you would tell your co-workers you met. He could devastate you if he pulled a McSteamy. He has soulful eyes. He needs to be with the right girl but usually never is. Being with him makes you want to be better. He gets jealous. He is the one-night stand that calls you.
He would be perfect if he didn’t seem so conflicted all of time. He is most likely to have an identity crisis. You will only really KNOW him if you are the one.
I still have a crush on my own personal McSteamy. To me he will probably always be perfect except for the fact that he chose the wrong girl.
Hugh Grant in the other half of his movies
And then there is my personal favorite the George, which you can call whatever you want, The Baxter, The Jim, The Ted, The Mouth (you can really name him by inserting the name of the “nice” guy on your favorite TV, my favorite of these happens to be George. Georges aren’t ugly, they are just, well, average. Not to be confused with the absolute rejects on that reality show (which would have been more appropriately titles, “Ugly Joes”).
Georges are your friends. They are the guys you always hang out with, your boys. They are the ones you make plans to hang out with, not to date. They are the ones you try to set up your friends with (and here is where things get tricky because one girl’s George can be another’s McDreamy and in the rare case, vice versa). They are the ones you might get a fleeting crush on in between McSteamies and McDreamies. They are the ones to deserve to get the girl but a lot of times they won’t. They are the one’s you should marry.
They fall in love hard and fast. They promise not to hurt you and it’s true. They make you comfortable. Georges make you love yourself for who you are, not what you think a McDreamy wants. You would never feel fat around a George. Georges tend to get more self-conscious around you. George is smart like McDreamy, but he’s also funny and he laughs at your jokes.
Georges hesitate. They have horrific timing. They tend to have their hearts broken. They are intimidated easily, but in rare moments of grandeur, they show the inner McDreaminess, and can become the perfect man. Everyone KNOWS who a George is, no secrets here.
All of the aforementioned
Honestly, I’m looking for my George today. I had one at some point but like I said, Georges have horrific timing. It always makes me wonder what could have been.
In writing all of this I am well aware that there are spin-offs if you will of each type. Like I already said we have the Karev (who may turn into the reformed asshole), the Burke (who is pretty much a George shining through his inner McDreaminess) and lest we forget the Chief (who seems to at one point been a Karev, but they are variations within themselves of the three major types. Who thought you could learn this much from prime time TV, on ABC no less?