Betcha Can't Eat Just One

I love how I can relate anything to snacks.


MJones: It's like I've been put on a shelf. Like a bag of chips that was opened and tried and tasted good, but since no one wants to eat a whole bag of chips at once, I got put on the shelf.
dm: well u shut ur bag
dm: u know- of chips
dm: or whatever
MJones: I'm trying
MJones: but the chips you see, the sort of like the dip
MJones: well they did, until it went rotten
dm: ur gonna go stale
dm: meaning that ur the open bag of chips
MJones: yea, i understand, but you can't just reseal a bag of chips
MJones: you have to eat them all until you feel bad about it
dm: oh sure u can...they make those now
MJones: OH HELL YEA! Im cashing in my bag for a container. I'm upgrading to Pringles!
dm: hahahaha
dm: and pringles dont break into pieces
MJones: and they dont taste good with dip
dm: NICE
dm: yeah they have their own flavor
MJones: they are a stand alone snack and dont need condiments to get by
MJones: BUT
MJones: if they so choose, they aren't half bad with say, some sour cream and onion flavoring
dm: exactly
MJones: ps this is so going on the blog
dm: obviously
MJones: is it bad that i want chips now?

I take pills for that

Dear Old Navy Marketers/Billing Office,

I know it's been a long winter and yea, maybe I've put on a few. But when you mail me my bill and include a coupon/insert for maternity clothes I have to draw the line. Thank you for giving me the full motivation to become a reformed gym bunny who magically gets back her once gloriously hot bod.


Sincerely,

Miss Jones

PS Suck it.

VOTE FOR HIM!

Idol sucks this year so I am officially voting for this guy...HA!

Gotta Love Those Fug Gals

Just read.

Well Played, Winnie Cooper

A History Lesson: As taught by HBO and Showtime

Like most of NYC, I had to take a sick day because I woke up feeling like crap on stick. The constant coughing and blowing my nose didn't allow me to get much rest so I decided to use my HBO and Showtime OnDemand channels to waste some time (only after I watched my one of my FAVE episode of Dawson's Creek...the one with the Senior prank..."It's a karma thing!").

First up, catching up on some episodes of Rome. What girl wouldn't want to spend some time on the couch watching the sexy bald brute Titus Pullo kick some ass (or bite, or stab or whip, he's so effing hot!)? Or Atia put all uber-bitches to shame? I implore you all, watch this show...I'll give you another reason in a moment.

Pullo: So hot right now.

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Next, on to the first two episodes of The Tudors on Showtime starring sexy/ugly (still can't quite figure it out, sometimes he's just plain gross other times I wouldn't mind some sexy time) man Jonathan Rhys Myers as Henry VIII. Yes, the fat guy who had 6 wives and liked turkey legs. I guess he was sexy/ugly when he was young, and that's where the show starts.

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So what historical lesson did I take away from these programs? What great insight to I have into the past? What is the one thing I can take away from our great leaders and figure heads of the past?


They all had sex. LOTS AND LOTS OF IT! Literally, boobs on screen every few minutes. Octavian was into S&M, Henry VIII liked taking girls from the back, Cleopatra and Mark Antony could do it standing up after beating the crap out of each other. Literally, I saw more sets of boobs today than I think I ever will again. So yea, that's what I learned. Sex was important. And doing it with a King, Counsel, or hired muscle looks freaking awesome.

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Unless it's like this. This is just gross. And what's on her face? You know what, I don't even want to know.

I love the smell of beer and shame in the morning

Have any of you heard of National "She's Funny That Way Day?"

This year it falls on March 31. Last year, it was on March 18, the day after St. Pat's. Both Spanish and The Future Mrs. Krabbypatty have heard this before but I think it should ALWAYS be the day after St. Pat's.

Why? Because St. Pat's is one of the few days a year you can be a complete fucktard and laugh it off the next day with out any regret...well, most of the time.

Here are some conversational examples where this could work.


Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She was so wasted she leaned on a tack and had to like pull it out of her hand. Then she acted like it never happened. Like it didn't even hurt because she was so drunk. Like it was going to magically heal like that girl on Heroes.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She made out with me in the ally behind the bar and then tried to pay the bouncer to let her back in.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She broke out into hysterics, like crying and stuff, so I gave her another drink and she was totally fine.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: We went home together and hooked up and then she got dressed and proclaimed that she wanted to go back out and I had to leave. She like, kicked me out and didn't even try to say goodbye.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: I think she gave me the clap...on purpose.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.

You get the idea. Be thankful St. Patrick's Day is just one day a year.


**Note: All or none of these things may or may not have happened to me or my friends on Saint Patrick's days from theyears 2000-2007, you be the judge of what's real and what's false..**

March Madness

Is it just me or has this been one of the most wild weeks ever? Due to some job stuff I've been on crazy edge which as a result I have proven to alienate most of the people around me, most of which know that when crap like this happens just ignore it and I will get back into my proper senses.

People got engaged, babies were born, people are losing jobs and more serious crap...all this week. It's like a clusterfuck of crazy happenings, all big, all exciting, some good, some bad. It's a tornado of events leading to everyone I know begging for the weekend to come so they can a) get crazy drunk or b) sleep.

It's hard to get into detail without giving away who people are or breaking someone's trust but believe you me...I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me the sky is falling.

Ok enough seriousness...have I mentioned that I watched my boss kiss his son on the lips,like a peck but still? I don't have brothers...is this normal?

"You're killing me Smalls!"

Thanks to Tiny Dancer, I had a revelation last night.

I was wondering where I had seen the guy who plays Jimmy on The Black Donnellys before....

Can't quite place it? It's Thomas Guiry. AKA Smalls in the greatest children's sport movie ever, The Sandlot.

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Kudos, Thomas...I thought you were done forever after that Lassie re-make.

JUST SAY NO TO BJ!

Like I felt obligated to warn all men against murses or man purses, I am officially making a new PSA. It is geared towards all mother's with new baby girls. Now I know that not all little ones are born with flowing locks and that it can be hard to determine the sex of your baby while wearing a white onesie. But please, please, stop putting jewelry on your babies. Stay away from BJ (baby jewelry). Don't pierce their ears, don't put a bangle on them and for the love of our lord baby infant Jesus Christ, do NOT give them rings (even Spanish who is pro-BJ admitted this is just a choking hazard).

That's right. Step away from the baby jewelry counter. Put down the ice cube and safety pin (which is how Spanish said her baby ears were pierced).

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This baby is having BJ nightmares.

Why am I so against BJ? Because: 1. It's just tacky. 2. It makes baby girls look like little hookers. 3. Your daughter will be a whore if she wears BJ...I mean c'mon, BJ leads to BJ's. 4. It's really effing ugly.

Also, please refrain from putting those elastic on your baby's head so it looks like she has a bow on. She just looks like a groom missed when he threw a garter and it landed on you babys dome.

All you need to do:

1. Dress the baby in pink, preferably a dress of some sort.

2. Give her a "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" bib.

3. Stick a baby doll in the carriage.

THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just might be...

some of the greatest tv writing ever from Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.


Izzie: You know when you don’t have sex for a while you sort of forget how good it is and you don't really need it as much?

George: Yeah, that doesn't happen to guys.

Izzie: It’s like a beast, a beast that was asleep for a long, long time. And now the beast is wide-awake and wants to be fed and the food that Alex gave it-- it was good food George.

George: Something needs to be done about your taste.

Izzie: Ah, you’re just jealous because your beast is still asleep.

George: My beast isn’t asleep. My beast never sleeps.


Ay, me.

HAPPY BERFDAY TO...

MY BLOG!!!!! Today officially marks the 2nd anniversary of this blog. We've come a long way baby...

We've ditched my identity all together

We've ditched the inital ugly blue layout

We've given ourselves a little face lift with some artwork

We've linked to Youtube so we are video capable

We've linked to other bloggers so that when we are lazy readers won't feel bored

We've introduced you to characters like Spanish, The Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty, London, Spike, Tiny Dancer and Laverne

And we've made an ass of ourself time and time again and shared it with you...

So Kudos to us, for keeping up with my blog so you peeps (all 2 of you) can have something to do when you mastur...I mean, procrastinate.