A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

When I woke up Christmas morning, my mom promptly told me that my sister was in labor. By 1 pm Cutest Baby Ever (CBE) arrived in my life. My gift to her, a copy of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" inscribed with a message of love and support.

Here is what I didn't tell her that I am going to teach her OR Things I wish people had taught me:

1. Boys are stupid. They always will be and you can't change that. No, they don't analyze things like we ladies do, so don't waste your time. If a boy is being stupid find another one, preferably a younger one.

2. You are NEVER too young to be a cougar.

3. Girls are crazy. They always will be and you can't change that. And they are mean. And you can't change that either. So just be the meanest and make everyone fear you and you will be popular.

Source

Your new bible.

4. Here are some necessities:

• A good lip gloss




• A light perfume




• A good pair of black boots




• Being a fan of at least one sports team




• A good laugh (I'm still working on mine, someone told me I cackle)

5. Being able to sing, dance and hold your cocktail is a quality skill, work on that one while you're young.

6. Even though you will probably despise your Mom from ages 12-17, make sure you tell her you love her every day. She'll be the one you call when you get in trouble for underage drinking in college. But seriously. Moms are awesome (My sister just explained labor to me in high detail.).

7. Math beyond the 8th grade level is unnecessary and useless in the real world so don't try too hard.

8. Read books. They make you smarter and if you pick the right ones, you learn about sex really early on.

9. Our family has weird allergies to drugs. I am allergic to the ganj as is your other aunt. You can try it, but trust me, you'll be passed out or puking. I say, stick to booze and caffeine, at least they are legal.

This = puking.

10. Stack your shoes neatly in your closet. Stepping on a high heel at 8 am is agony.

11. Learn another language fluently, you will probably need it.

12. New York City is a place full of fun and late nights. Never take a cab back to Westchester alone at 4:30 am. Find the nearest diner, drink coffee to stay awake and hop the 5:35 back. And don't fall asleep. There are no cabs in Cos Cob.

13. Don't date or hook up guys with long beards.

14.The following things are scary:

• Ghosts




• Clowns (especially the sad kinds)




• Birds




• The Willy Wonka boat ride




• G'mork in The Neverending Story




• Michael Jackson's nose




• Michael Jackson




• Anything to do with Are You Afraid of the Dark on Nickelodeon




• Possibly me if I drink too much

And Finally...

15. Don't look up to Katie Holmes, she will only break your heart.