Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Is this going to be on the test?

Is JJ Abrams a mathematical genius? Or just a satanic Hollywood type trying to suck hours of my life away.

I don't want to offend any sci-fi geeks out there, but after losing yet another hour of my life to the television show Lost that I will never get back I've come to my own conclusion about this show. It's just like math.

Let me preempt myself here. I suck at math. I hate math. Ever since my junior high teacher with the Irish brogue shook her dandruff on my notebook I've been a mathphobic. The only reason I passed her class was because she gave 10 extra credit point for spelling perpendicular correctly.

My 9th grade math teacher laughed at me when I would answer questions incorrectly. My trigonometry teacher caught me sleeping in class constantly. I took precalculus just to have it on my record in applying to colleges. That teacher told me she didn't need her job and that if we didn't care she didn't either, which is probably why she passed me.

In college I squeaked through my math requirement with a D+ (it was my first D since penmanship in the 7th grade) because I went to the class 8 times the entire semester, pretty much for tests and quizzes only. We had to hand in homework and I never got more than 50 percent right. But hey, I can spell perpendicular. That should count for something, right?

So while watching Bernard and Rose's pointless back story tonight it came to me. Why is my relationship with Lost just like math? I mean, I liked it when I started it. But eventually I just started hating it and had to keep watching and learning or else I would never get the answers. So when did Lost shake it's dandruff into my notebook? Episode 5 of this season. It's when I stopped caring. It's when Jack started being an ass. It's right about when Tiny Dancer pointed out to me that Ana Lucia has had the same jeans on since she crashed. Which means they got wet in the salt water. Any girl who has ever worn wet denim knows how much this sucks. I would have taken them off and rocked a bamboo mini but that's me. Anyway, shouldn't they have stretched by now. Every time I wear my jeans more than twice they never fit the same way as right after a good spin cycle.

Numbers are important on Lost. Any avid viewer knows 4, 18, 15, 16, 23, 42. I feel like Hurley and I hear them in my sleep. But since JJ Abrams and Damon Lindeloff haven't given me the slightest clue as to what they mean I won't try to make any sense of them. But here are some things I do know.

Let's start easy. The number 1. Seems harmless right? Not on Lost. As far as we know there are one of each of these on the "island":

A polar bear - which has attacked Walt and may be something he created from his mind out of an Asian comic book he picked up. Seems crazy? Yea, I know.

"Monster" and or "Safety Precaution" - I initially thought it was an invisible cheetah. Turns out it's a cloud of smoke with invisible claws that may or may not read your thoughts. Yep, this show won a Golden Globe.

A crazy French Lady - her name is Danielle. She had a child named Alex, who, may or may not be alive and helped Claire, was kidnapped when she was pregnant by crazy Ethan so they could inject something into her amniotic sac and make her baby Aaron (who I bet will turn into some kind of Damien) sick, not sick, we don't know. Like a lot of things, we just don't know.

A wrecked pirate ship with no pirates. Oh, and this show won an Emmy too.

A hot Korean man named Jin - I just had to mention him because he's one of the reasons I keep watching.

Ok, So while the number one is everywhere on Lost (as it is in life), I've also established here the like in algebra, Lost has a lot of unknowns. You could easily say that x=1. But not so fast. Let's look at the number two.

There are:

Two surviving married couples.

Two children if we say that Walt being alive is a given.

Two dead siblings (I still curse the day they killed Boone).

Two people who have "recovered" from their illnesses on the island.

Two little hangy things from Eko's beard (although he cut them off).

Two crashed planes one large, one small Nigerian prop plane.

The number two is usually bad on the island. When people venture out in twos someone usually ends up dead. Locke and Boone. Sayid and Shannon. So you might want to say that x=2. Nope. People who go off on their own die or end up kidnapped. The guy in the ocean. Claire. Sayid. Sun. Kate. So maybe x=1 + 2. Let's look at three.

Love triangles like this island. You have Jin, Sun and Michael. The obvious: Kate, Sawyer, Jack triad of sexual tension. The not so obvious: Claire, Charlie, Locke weirdo relationship. And don't forget the incestual Boone, Shannon, Sayid. Three makes this island an interesting place to hang out (for more on the number three check out Penny's blog post on threes

I could probably stay up and explain more of the unknowns on the island and try to find a solution for the "x" factor that keeps sucking me in. But I'm putting my foot down. It's 11:30 pm and I'm tired. Tired of math and tired of Lost. Tired of Walt being on like NO episodes this season. Tired of the fact that no one mentioned Michael (a.k.a. Mercutio) for months which in Lost world is only days and it's not like you can forget someone that fast and then be shocked when you find him. Tired of the fact that no one seems to give a crap that some dude named Desmond is running around. Tired of the fact that "Henry Gale" is a scary mofo. I'm over it.

But, there's always a but. I can't let Lost go down like another Reunion. I have to find some answers. So I'm a slave for the show and it's messed up mysteries and nonsensical conclusions and flashbacks. And after showing you all of my work (and spending way too much time on spoiler and fan sites) I have come up with the proof. I'm sucked in and can't get out. So, X = the answers to the mysteries of this enigmatic TV program. And without the x, I'll be sitting in front of my TV asking y?

"A plague on your Island JJ Abrams!"

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