Thursday, August 24, 2006

Life Is Not A Fairy Tale or Why Fantasia Barrino Owes me Two Hours of My Life Back

Yes, I DVR's Fantasia Barrino's biopic on Lifetime. In a moment of weakness and in a post-So You Think You Can Dance (VIVA BENJI) state of insanity, I ensured that I would view the life story of the Season 3 (a weak season) of American Idol. And I wish someone would have stopped me.

1. She played herself in the movie.

2. It clearly illustrates that she dresses like a hooch, skips school and makes out in the back of yellow pick-up trucks. And her boobs are so not those of 16-year-old.

I swear she wore that shirt in the movie.

3. She has a speaking role. Tiny Dancer says she sounds like a muppet. I think Elmo has more range.

4. They show too much of her sad times. Sure, she had it hard, but did I need to see the montage of people laughing (only in her head) when she returns to school after pressing rape charges? No, the Lifetime film with Candace Cameron and Mark Paul Gosslaar handled it better.

5. She looked preggers when she wasn't supposed to be.

6. They show "her first time." I would rather watch Chicken Little's first time.

Besides his sick dance moves I bet he has a gentle touch.

7. The literally show her vomit. I thought YouTube would have that video by now (like the girl on Flavor of Love who made boom on his floor). I cna only imagine the sscript looked like this:

Setting: Fantasia's friend's apartment in the Projects. It is summer in said Projects, hot and sweaty where veryone drinks Colt 45, Boone's Farm and smokes Newports.

Interior: Fantasia's friend's house. Kids running around haphazardly. Fantasia at table eating breakfast.

Friend: Fantasia, you gotta start telling your man Rodney that this ain't his house so he can't be leaing his stuff lying around.

Fantasia (or muppet, whoever can stand in): Just make a big pile and I'll do the laun bleh hack, huaaa, blech [vomit spills out of Fantasia onto table, remain with a wide shot of Fantasia so the audeience gets all the puke action, and in turn, vomit on themselves].


Classy, real classy.

8. She confesses she can't really read at the end of the movie to relate that to her American Idol experience. Like that was her big hardship. Ummmm, Fanny, listen, I think that having Dwayne Wayne as your father, getting raped, dropping out of high school and getting knocked up by a guy who ends up beating you up is your hardship, not the fact that you're a weak reader okay?

So Fantasia, please write me a check for two hours of my life plus my good sense in television. I'm sure your American Idol dollars can pay for that. And get yourself a Phonics book while you're at it.


anaps said...

someone went boom on flavor of love? you got that link girl?

Mjones said...

The link is totally on YouTube.

Gold Grills: $1,000.

Huge Clock Necklace: $100

Krunk Cup: $3000

Nicknaming a girl "Somethin" and having her make boom on your floor duringa champagne toast: Priceless.

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