The wheels on the bus go slow slow slow

My bus ride back from Saratoga took 5 hours. 5. Hours. It was supposed to be 3 and a half hours. I booked a ticket on the fast bus with no transfers on purpose. But since Adirondack Trails and GreyHound both hate me, I took 5 hours. Not to mention the 2 hour waiting time at the Saratoga bus station, which is conveniently located behind a diner. A diner that has a large fiber glass horse on top of bit. With betting stations inside. Talk about getting local flavor.

In the bus station I happeined to overhear a man trying to book his friend a trip on a bus. From Saratoga. To Mexico. MEXICO. How long would that take? 3 days and 19 hours. With stops everywhere and many transfers. And it cost about 300 bucks. I wanted to lend him my laptop and introduce him to expedia.com but maybe he likes bus travel.

The only plus about the whole ride was my bus driver from Saratoga to Albany (where I transferred) was my bus driver (who we had to wait for so he could switch and dirve our bus because he can't go into Montreal --some delicious sex scandal I presume). he looked just like Jim from The Office. He was adorable and he kept glancing back in his rear view mirror. I think he wished we could go to Montreal together.

He wanted me to be his Pam I know it.

Maybe he likes to sit next to 8 year old children from Albany on their way to Georgia. Maybe he would have liked Chantelle, the little girl who decided to plop down next to me.

Meet Chantelle, I mean Satan.

Here is just a smidgen on what my ride was like:

• 4:45 - Chantelle looks at me sweetly and asks me if she can sit in the vacant seat next to me.
• 4:46 - Chantelle starts putting down her 18 bags of child-friendly crap, puts down her tray and asks me where I am going.
• 4:48 - Chantelle asks me what I'm doing.
• 4:49 - Chantelle begins a brigade of questions, making me ef up my game of diner dash on my cell phone. She then inquires if I had beat the game. When I respons with a "No." she says that she is really good at video games.
• 5:00 - Chantelle starts leaning over the seat talking to her sister. They both ask me questions about my pink Razr phone, which I then put in my bag for fear of theft. They were drooling at it.
• 5:30 pm - Chantelle tells me about her Dad's trips on his Harley motorcycle, and about the accident that left him with cement burns and exposed bones.
• 6:00 - Chantelle takes out her disc man and puts it on her tray preventing me from being able to get up and pee.
• 6:15 - She asks me if I have a disc man. I tell her I have an iPod. She drools at it so I immediatley put it on to drown out her next story about her and her cousin.
• 6:45 - Chantelle invites said cousin down from the front of the bus. As the short stocky little boy comes over she invites him to sit with us. In a two seater. I explain that it might be uncomfortable. She says "No it won't. I'll just squeezze closer to you." Luckily, Chantelle's grandma saves the day!!!! Then Chantelle tells Grandma that she may get "Bus sick" and that she's feeling woozy.
• 7:00 - Chantelle pulls a chicken breast (cooked) out of her bag of tricks. It smells. She offers me some and asks me "Why, don't you eat?" when I say no thanks.

It smelled like spices.

• 7:30 - Chantelle harasses the people behind me, exclaiming that she doesn't want to see New York City and that she hates George Bush and that she doesn't know who the mayor of her hometown is.
• 7:59 - We pull into Manhattan and Chantelle takes 20 minutes to gather her items and get off the bus. Chicken included.
• 8:00 - Chantelle waves goodbye to me and I repress every muscle to not give a child Dane Cook's Su-Fi on my way out of Port Authority.

And I'm actually really good with kids. Just not with a case of dehydration and exhaustion. And when they have chicken.