I have a case of the bends...and it ain't from diving.

Did you ever have the kind of friendship that was completely one-sided? Like you invite a person everywhere and they never come, they never call, and if you want to spend time with them it's on their terms??? Not in a Nicole Richie way, more like Abby Morgan on Dawson's Creek, who had to get drunk and die at the party Dawson and Joey were catering.

Nicole Richie even gives directions to lost drivers....soooo not a bend.

No? Ok then, I'm just a big loser. Because I have tons of these friends, whom I like to call bends (short for bad friend). Which, I guess aren't really friends. More like distant enigmas that I see every so often when they feel like enjoying my company. They don't return calls, emails or respond to any other flare that may send the signal "Hey, I might need your hlp/someone to talk to/advice." Dicks. They only respond to questions about themselves or anything involves them and their lives. Myself on the other hand, make ssacrifices every so often for the sake of a friendship. Like going to a bar I hate so I can hang out with a certain person, or letting an annoying comment go just because I know it's not worth the headache. Bends don't do that. Because htey don't have souls.

Here is a typical exchange between me and one of my many bends:

Moi: "Hey, What's up?"

Bend: "I am going to give you a 30 minute rundown of my life. My job is awesome and I'm doing really well, I go out ALL the time and have so much fun, I might not make a lot of money but I'll spend it on anything except for maybe cab fare/train ticket to come hang out with you, I totally met this celebrity last week, they were not a cute as you think. Oh yea, and I got a promotion and a raise and a this and mememememememememememememe, mineminemine, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII......."


Moi: "Sounds like things are going really great for you. Glad you're happy. As for me, I've been really stressed out lately because..."

Bend: "Well, um, I have to go do something wonderful for me like give myself a pedicure/make dinner/date a rockstar/do anything other than listen to you or hang out with you."

Moi: "Oh. Ok. Maybe we can do something this week? Dinner?"

Bend: "Maybe, I have to check my datebook...oh I mean to tell you..."

Moi: (actually excited that Bend thought of me for a second) "What?!"

Bend: "That guy you said was cute that time? Yea, I saw him last week at that party I went to the night I never called you back and he told me he didn't like you and then we made out. Talktoyousoonbye!"

I think you get the idea.

So like the teenage gossip girl in the dropped call commercials I will put up with this NO MORE!!!! Gone are the days of having terrible bends stuck in my life. I declare, today is my Independence Day.

Monica Keena aka Abby Morgan...can you see the evil in her grin? She ruined Jen Lindley's life, even from beyond the grave.

Bends will no longer:

Be invited to any of my fun events that I put together.
Receive phone calls from me, even when I am bored on the weekends.
Burden me with their drama.
Borrow anything of mine.
Steal my look of the week.
Make me feel embarrassed for showing a little skin. (bends are usually less attractive than me and like to make comments on what I wear.)


My cure of this disease: decompressing with my good friends a la a birthday party this weekend. That and taking some lessons from a pre-rexic pre-cokewhore Lyndsey Lohan in Mean Girls. I'll let you know how it works out.