Friday, June 30, 2006

Today Is the Worst Day of the Rest of Your Life!

Things that happened to me yesterday:

1. I never like to talk about my job but let's say this...I got substatial 'tude over the phone, which I feel like is more degrading than 'tude in person. It's like I'm not even important enough to get a good talking to behind closed office doors. Boo.

2. Went out for happy hour, got buzzed (due to lack of food), went back to office to find cell phone under a pile of envelopes. Saw office phone voicemail was on. Made the biggest mistake ever by checking said voicemails. Was sent on impossible intern-like mission.

3. Caught in giant deluge of rain. My pants became secnd skin. I felt like I would absorb them through some sort of wet clothing osmosis. My sandals starting sliding off, so if you saw a girl walking around 8th Ave. like a crackhead, she wasn't high (buzzed, maybe), she was just wet and trying to walk in heels under a crappy $1.99 Old Navy umbrella. Looked wild and uncontrollable a la Bertha in Jane Eyre or Halle Berry in Jungle Fever. Seriously, like mascara down the face and everything. I felt like someone, might confuse me for a random Natasha Lyonne sighting. So far, nothing on Gawker.

Daniel Powter has nothing on Bertha and me.

4. Cell Phone rings. VIP calling about aforementioned mission. I answer the phone in an unprofessional snotty way. Heard career goals being washed away with the rain pellets in the gutter.

5. Changed to go on mission. Went in and out of apartment six times before I had all of my necessary belongings (i.e. purse, keys, umbrella, phone, wallet, proper footwear and a digital camera to capture the experience).

6. Made a million phone calls to friends angrily explaining what I was doing. I love Gotittogether and Spanish for listening. They help me realized that I should keep my job and do my mission with a smile, if only to stay off the pole.

7. Failed my mission. I hate the blond bitches at American Apparel who explain that some of their items are online exclusives. How can an EFFING T-SHIRT BE AN ONLINE EXCLUSIVE??????? Whores. All of them.

8. Had dentist appointment. First visit to a new dentist (I've had the same one since I was 3). THe bitch who cleaned my teeth really just wanted to gauge my gums. She spent the entire time discussing how she had lost her glasses and gottena ticket te day before. I think she must have felt the need to take it out on my poor defenseless gums. Then she tells me I need another appointment for X-Rays and a check-up. Umm, in what world do they not do that all in one shot????? My former dentist (who is only my former because he doesn't take my insurance) always did everything at once. Then I looked on the wall. Faith Evans and Jamie Lynn Sigler (DiScala) are among his celebrity patients. Apparently I'm not deserving of a full check up. Just a maiming, I mean cleaning. Whore.
Nobody's looking at her teeth.

9. Watched as my favortie couple on So You Think You Can Dance? had to dance for their lives because America is too dumb to appreciate the graceful wonder that is Jessica and Jaymz. Yes, he spells it with a "z." And It's hot. Thank you Nigel, for saving them one more time.

10. Found out the cute guy I gave my card to on Wed. night at a press event was "In A Relationship" or at least that's what myspace told me after I stalked him. I'm so bad.

In short, yesterday may have been the worst day of my life. But today ain't looking so great either. And people wonder why I drink.

No comments: