I'm a little late...

But this is the best Oscar re-cap I've ever read. Enjoy.

Ahhh siblings...

So videos of this kid have been floating around but this is by far my favorite because his little sis gets in on the action. Also, I'm pretty sure he's singing a song from Avenue Q which, might be a little age innapropriate but whatever. Still funny. Especially when he hits her to make her get out of the frame.

Kathy Griffin 2009

Tonight marks my second time seeing Kathy Griffin live. Sure, some people argue that she comes down to hard on celebs and just feeds into rumors, but either way, that bitch is HIL-to the-ARIOUS!

Her targets this time:

Octomom
The Real Housewives of OC and NY
Jessica Simpson and her weight (she thinks she's fat)
Miley
"The Jonas Sisters" (amazing)
Seacrest (nothing new there)
Cher & Bette (only good things)
Her mom
Tom, her tour manager
The Schmemmys
The Grammys
Sarah Palin

And so many more I can't even think. I was laughing out loud 75 percent of the time and I slapped my knee (but not as much as when I saw Flight of the Conchords at Comix back in 2006).

Anyway, if you have an inner gay man living inside of you (like I do) you should definitely try to get tickets to one of her shows. She will offend and you will laugh, I promise.

IMG00006-20090210-2147.jpg

Raise your hand if you aren't sure! Meaning not sure if you had this antiperspirant on your dress when you went on your job interview. Yes, my hand is raised. Nards.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

PSA: QUIET! PLEASE!

Since last Thursday, my internet has been busted in my apartment. Due to my lack of job situation, I have to utilize the free WiFi at my neighborhood library instead of paying to work out of Starbucks (which I did one day and ended up stinking like a Colombian brew house).

I'll start this post off on a good note by saying I'm happy that the WiFi is free (or that our tax $ is covering it). Also, my branch has a great spot to sit and use your laptop, complete with power strip so my battery doesn't die.

BUT. And this is a big BUT. I recall learning that one must be quiet in a public library as not to disturb the other people doing research/reading/working. I mean, we had a library class in grade school where we learned this. My hometown had signs that reminded people to be quiet.

Apparently that is not the case at the Columbus Branch here on 10th Ave. Here are some things that have happened to me in total of 5 hours I have spent here:

1. Sat down to a woman talking to herself, loudly. Seems she and her other personalities were having a disagreement.
2. Sat across from a man working on his laptop. This would seem normal, except he was hacking up chunks of lung all over everyone.
3. Teenage/Tweenage boys sat at the public computer next to me and started to read MySpace pages out loud. At one point one started talking about this young woman's "boobs." He had obviously never touched one.
4.A young woman called her friends over to a public computer and read aloud her IM conversation. She did the voices and everything. At full volume.
5. Today, another young woman is browsing MySpace pages. People have songs on their pages. She is listening to the songs. They are bad, loud, disruptive songs.

This is just a taste. All of this goes on while I try to get my freelance assignments done so I can (maybe?) get paid and make rent without dipping into my savings. So before I go all crazy Ghostbusters library ghost on these people, I like to go with a little Carl Winslow and say to myself "Three, Two, One. One, Two, Three. What the heck is bothering me?"

It's not working. What's bothering me is the screeching of chairs and the slamming of books and bags and the bad disruptive music that this girl is listening to AS I WRITE THIS. And I have my iPod on.

Any tips on not going crazy on these people? Because I'm a few seconds from standing on my chair and screaming profanities.

If you seek gingy...

London and I were bumming on the couch and I had mentioned that my friend, Gingervision, was off at the Sundance Film Festival doing some work. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Gingervision is in Sundance doing some work.

London: Oh, what kind?

Me: Photo type stuff, like trandsponding or something, I dunno what photo people do.

London: Oh, that's awesome.

Me: Yea, I'm jeal. She went to some Minnie Driver movie and saw Andrew Bernard from the Office.

London: What did she say?

Me: Oh the usual tipsy banter that occurs when you see celebs under the influence.

London: Why is she a banana?

Me: Um, huh? (thinking that that banana is like a silly word for a person who tipsily accosts celbs)

London: Why is she a banana?

Me: Huh? (Looking totally puzzled)

London: Her photo, why is she a banana?

Me: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? Her facebook photo. Oh, she was one for Halloween.

London: A banana? That's so funny! She's so funny!

Me: Yea she is.


End scene.

End incredibly lame post.

Thank You, Bonnie Hunt

Ok so in my current state of employment limbo, I watch a lot of TV. Especially daytime TV. Here's my schedule.

10 am - 11 am - Good old Rach teaches me how to cook while simultanesouly annoying me senseless.
11 am - 12 am - I get my menopause fix while watching The View.
12 am - 1 pm - I usually eat lunch at this time or watch the news.
1 pm - 2 pm - All My Children or a DVR'd show.
2 pm - 3 pm - Bonnie Hunt amuses me with her stories about her mom and family. My cousin even won a caption contest on her show once.
3 pm - 4 pm - Ellen (or as I call her Elle Belle, because I have a nonsexual crush on her).
4pm - 5 pm - Oprah drops knowledge on my ass.

Do this 5 days a week, repeat with the occasional VH1 show thrown in for good measure.

I like to think I learn something new everyday, but usually I play on the internet, try to get some work done (like the last two weeks) or something while watching.

Today's Bonnie Hunt was super-meta. As I was watching the program and playing on he internet, Bonnie brought out guest Nick Malis to discuss Cute Things Falling Asleep, one of my favorite memes.

Nick went on to announce his new sister site, Cute Things Laughing. So while playing on the internet while watching TV, I learned about a new thing to play with on the internet that shows me video. I love this world.

A girl can dream...

You know that song by the Pussycat Dolls. Not the awful one about buttons. Well, they are all awful, but that other one aboout the growing of the up?

I just found out the lyrics are as follows:

"When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies"

Ok. Fine and good. Too bad I've been singing it like this. Out loud. In Public.

""When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have boobies"


Cue face turning beet red.

Blahhhh....

I'm really tired of seeing will.i.am on tv. Go away.

Thnks 4 the Memries.

Errr...

You know you've had an intersting night out when you get a text like this:

Hey, its avi the israely guy that talk to you last night. How you doing today?

And no the typos aren't mine.

No Thank You

I thought this was fake, but alittle googling has proved this site to be, in fact, 100% real.

http://www.myspace.com/dennishaskinskaraoke

Mr. Belding continues to terrorize the world.

May God have mercy on all of us.

So a plane crashed in my backyard today...

I live about 2 blocks away from that USAir flight that crashed into the Hudson about an hour and half ago.

So far they are reporting everyone is okay. Thank you Jebus.But it was really close to my partment and I am bugging myself out thinking "What if they hadn't landed in the water.."

This event reminded me of a book I read as a tween. "Flight #116 Is Down!" is like the most effed up tale to read as a child. You might as well read it and watch My Bloody Valentine.

Let me explain: The book is story of some chick named Heidi who lives on this sick estate with all of this land. Then a plane crash lands in her back yard and she has to deal with all the injured and dying people. You learn the passenger's stories in a Trafficky/Babelly/Crash-type way. You also get a taste of what the families are going through as they wait for the list. And I think Heidi has some love interest with like an EMT or something.

And, like, some of the good people DIE. Seriously, they make you like someone and then they DIE. And this is a book for KIDS. And it's not like kooky fiction like Harry Potter. This is like real shit that could happen (just like today).

So to author Caroline Cooney, you scarred me for life and today I have Nam-like flashbacks to your book.

Fin.

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,


Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.

STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.

And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.

Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.

Thanks,

Jones

FIRST POST OF 2009

..........................................

Let's finish this bitch!

I don't think anyone is celebrating the end of 2008 more than I am. This year, I lost my job, dog (RIP Lord G), love life and most of my optimism. I'm ready for a change.

So tonight, Carly (you remember her) is forcing me to go to Brooklyn (which is huge because I NEVER go to the BK because I mostly hate it there)to some burlesque party (aka the night of titty tassles). I won't be performing but I will be getting obscenely drunk to celebrate the demise of the worst year ever.

I'm sure I'll do something rediculously stupid or awkward if it's a good night.

I wish you all a safe and drunk New Year. Have one for Jonesy!

Best thing about being unemployed

Best thing about being unemployed is being able to take off as long as I want for the holidays. Have fun at work tomorrow suckers.

Which is worse?

I was recently contacted vis facebook by a guy I hooked up with 7 years ago. In Switzerland. While studying abroad. Who I only knew for 4 days. He's kids of being stalkery and sending me messages, but he only has the nicest of things to say. But really, offering me a plane ticket to visit you in Canada right after getting back in touch is a bit frightening.

On the otehr hand, when there is a guy I actually have interest in, I get ignored. Like blatantly. Oh sure, there is the awkward moment or signal here or there, but nothing ever happens and I'm always left wanting more.

So which is worse? Being stalked because somebody thinks you are amazing when you probably don't feel the same way? Or having feelings for someone who either has no idea you exist or could care less how you feel?

I'm not sure.

Little Girl Dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies

This child dances better than I do. Get on with your bad self!

Best. Cartoon. Ever.

When I was little I used to get so excited when this came on Disney. I love the Cookie Carnival.

First, itr's food that sings and dances.

Two, the rum cakes are drunk.

Three, the Jello lady shakes her boobs.

Amazing.