Errr...

You know you've had an intersting night out when you get a text like this:

Hey, its avi the israely guy that talk to you last night. How you doing today?

And no the typos aren't mine.

No Thank You

I thought this was fake, but alittle googling has proved this site to be, in fact, 100% real.

http://www.myspace.com/dennishaskinskaraoke

Mr. Belding continues to terrorize the world.

May God have mercy on all of us.

So a plane crashed in my backyard today...

I live about 2 blocks away from that USAir flight that crashed into the Hudson about an hour and half ago.

So far they are reporting everyone is okay. Thank you Jebus.But it was really close to my partment and I am bugging myself out thinking "What if they hadn't landed in the water.."

This event reminded me of a book I read as a tween. "Flight #116 Is Down!" is like the most effed up tale to read as a child. You might as well read it and watch My Bloody Valentine.

Let me explain: The book is story of some chick named Heidi who lives on this sick estate with all of this land. Then a plane crash lands in her back yard and she has to deal with all the injured and dying people. You learn the passenger's stories in a Trafficky/Babelly/Crash-type way. You also get a taste of what the families are going through as they wait for the list. And I think Heidi has some love interest with like an EMT or something.

And, like, some of the good people DIE. Seriously, they make you like someone and then they DIE. And this is a book for KIDS. And it's not like kooky fiction like Harry Potter. This is like real shit that could happen (just like today).

So to author Caroline Cooney, you scarred me for life and today I have Nam-like flashbacks to your book.

Fin.

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,


Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.

STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.

And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.

Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.

Thanks,

Jones

FIRST POST OF 2009

..........................................

Let's finish this bitch!

I don't think anyone is celebrating the end of 2008 more than I am. This year, I lost my job, dog (RIP Lord G), love life and most of my optimism. I'm ready for a change.

So tonight, Carly (you remember her) is forcing me to go to Brooklyn (which is huge because I NEVER go to the BK because I mostly hate it there)to some burlesque party (aka the night of titty tassles). I won't be performing but I will be getting obscenely drunk to celebrate the demise of the worst year ever.

I'm sure I'll do something rediculously stupid or awkward if it's a good night.

I wish you all a safe and drunk New Year. Have one for Jonesy!

Best thing about being unemployed

Best thing about being unemployed is being able to take off as long as I want for the holidays. Have fun at work tomorrow suckers.

Which is worse?

I was recently contacted vis facebook by a guy I hooked up with 7 years ago. In Switzerland. While studying abroad. Who I only knew for 4 days. He's kids of being stalkery and sending me messages, but he only has the nicest of things to say. But really, offering me a plane ticket to visit you in Canada right after getting back in touch is a bit frightening.

On the otehr hand, when there is a guy I actually have interest in, I get ignored. Like blatantly. Oh sure, there is the awkward moment or signal here or there, but nothing ever happens and I'm always left wanting more.

So which is worse? Being stalked because somebody thinks you are amazing when you probably don't feel the same way? Or having feelings for someone who either has no idea you exist or could care less how you feel?

I'm not sure.

Little Girl Dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies

This child dances better than I do. Get on with your bad self!

Best. Cartoon. Ever.

When I was little I used to get so excited when this came on Disney. I love the Cookie Carnival.

First, itr's food that sings and dances.

Two, the rum cakes are drunk.

Three, the Jello lady shakes her boobs.

Amazing.

This reminds me of being a kid....

I used to love this cartoon. They just don't make them like they used to. And hwo cute are these singing hats! Enjoy!

Intolerable Cruelty

Why do they air commericals fore beverage mecca Sonic and $5 buffet CiCi's in Manhattan.

1. Neither of these exist here. Nor does Friendly's. Or Chuck E. Cheese. Manhatty is barren of the deliciousities.

2. 90% of the people in Manhattan down own cars so they can't drive the 70-90 miles to get to one of these establishments.

3. Besides myself, most people don't desire such things as a Kiwi Limeade drink with round ice cubes or a $5 pizza pasta salad bar. So really, nobody watching really cares.

Point moot. So please stop torturing me with these tittalating commercials showing cheese and burgers and milkshakes with candy bar bits. It's mean. My inner fat girl beseeches you to stop this. And my outer appearences thanks these places for not coming to Big Apple because she has recently shed 15 pounds (Yay Unemployment!) and would like to stay on the smaller side. K Thnks.

'Tis the season...

The Chirstmas season is here so that means I have my partypants on and I'm ready to rumble. With some sort of event every other day this week my liver may have to start phoning it in while I drink water.

This past Saturday was Merry Thanksgivingmas. As prrof of my age and level of responsibility, I sent myself home right around the time I started browning out (meaning I vaguely remember some of the stuff, not a full visit to the BOC). But I was kissing random boys on the cheek, which I'm sure, scared them senseless. Yet again, the boozing scares boys.

In other news, I HAVE A NEW PHONE. For the past year I've been plagues with problems because I had a crappy Motorola RAZR. I've now upgraded to the BlackBerry Storm, since iPhones are so 2007.

So Seasons Greetings kiddos. Have a pint for your dear Jonesy when you are out and fellas, if you;re lucky, that girl smooching you on the cheek just might be me!

A Friendly PSA: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

In the early 1990s, my sister and I used to snuggle and watch USA's night time program "Up All Night." They had a big boobied host who would show crappy B-movies. One night, at around 11 pm, we tuned in to see they were airing "My Bloody Valentine" a 1981 horror film about mass murders in a mining town.

We did not live anywhere near miners, coal and/or killers, but I assure you, that movie scared the Jebus out of us. To this day, we cannot year the song "My Funny Valentine" without getting scared. The sight of a pick axe gives me goose bumps. For years, we have made jokes of this movie and how scary it is just to cover up the fact that sometimes at night we still remember how effing scared we were.

FOR SHAME LIONSGATE! How could you do this to us! Make a re-make of the movie that has forever made me a scaredy cat. And who do you cast? JACK FROM DAWSON'S CREEK! WTF? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

And how do you shoot the movie? IN 3 EFFING D!!!! No, it wasn;t scary enough the first time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you had to go and make it way scarier. Lionsgate, you are just mean and cruel and I hate you.

So please, I urge you all. Do not attempt this cinematic adventure. You will only regret it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

"The Century Plant"

Best part about the Twilight movie? Fritzy from the movie Camp is in it. Oh, wait. Have you not heard of Fritzy or Camp? Oh, then you obviously aren't a gay man or an unemployed blogger with too much time on her hands.

Fritzy sabotages a girl at her show tunes camp so she can sing a song from Company:


Here is a taste:



Here's more...



And then the real tour de force. I present the strangest song ever:





You're Welcome.

If you needed any other incentive to vote....

http://perezhilton.com/2008-11-03-the-best-voting-gift-of-all

My liver is starting to train tomorrow.

Just realized the 2009 NYC marathon will be the day after Halloween. It's the perfect storm of partying. Yay! Crap.

This is why breast feeding scares me.

<

I wish I had an element bring me a cupcake.

Instead I'll settle for the cartoon.

http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/

Oh hai.

DM told me she missed my blog. One would think that in my state of unemployment I would have tons to write about but no, not in my case. I'm bored and all I do is watch TV and stalk the internets for jobs.

In an attempt at a post, here are a few things I've learned since getting the ax.

1. No matter how old you are, it is not okay to fart loudly in public. (Hear that old man who butt trumpeted in Central Park?)
2. Barack Obama was an angsty teen who drank and did drugs and played basketball. Sounds like many people I know so it makes him a little bit cooler in my book.
3. Degrassi is addictive and ridiculous and I love it, even if it is Canadian.
4. Spending a month watching every episode of That 70s show just to finally see the finale (which you will then remember you have seen before) can be fun, but not many people will share your enthusiasm.
5. Without booze, birthdays in your 20s suck.
6. The one place where all people are equal is the New York State Unemployment Office.
7. The price of good cheese is high, and worth every penny.


So keep your fingers crossed kiddies. Maybe if I get a job my life will become interesting enough to actually write about again.