Why I Love NY1 Commercials: Part 2

You're welcome. This will now be stuck in your head for the next 20 years. I sing it at work. All the time. I would rather have the song "Glamorous" (we get it Fergie, you can spell) playing ona look from now until eternity instead of EVER hearing this again.

Why I Love NY1 Commercials:Part 1

This is one of my favorite commercials ever. 1. These weddings look like the tackiest events ever (go to the website where they discuss their Versailles-like oppulance). And wait for the 20 second mark.

2. "WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!" Why is she screaming? And why does it come out of nowhere? And what's with her raising her arm like Ava Perone?

I love low-budget local news channels and those who sponser them.

I wonder if he ever...

Former mayor of New York, Ed Koch, enjoying Knocked Up, Friday night at Loew's in the East Village. He is very old looking.

Guess who just learned to

Guess who just learned to blog from her cell phone! This is going to be interesting!

Obligatory Fleet Week Post

Since the inception of this blog (2 years ago), I have made an effort to communicate to you, my loyal readers (all 5 of you), all of the fun-goings on in New York City (all of the things that involve me, booze, television and being poor).

Every year, I have been outspoken in my support of Fleet Week (AKA Hot Sailor Weekend). Well, I have officially changed my mind (I'm a flip-flopper). This year, I will not be spending Memorial Day Weekend in Manhattan (which is dead this weekend anyway) but rather, in an interesting twist, will be trekking (taking the Metro-North 30 minites) to my home town in Westchester for several celebrations (drunk-fests).

Why? You may ask, have I had such a change of heart (coal)? This year, I have noticed that while I am maturing (getting older) the sailors are seemingly less mature (seriously, they look 12 years old) and are not necessarily what I find attractive (FUGLY!).

So dear, readers (reader), there will be no posts about canooodling (Making out) with any of our US Naval Officers (unless somehow I eat a naval orange or randomly meet Phil Stacey) this weekend. In short, no delectable details from my Fleet Week celebration will be posted herewith (In short, I think I'm getting to old to hit on vulnerable 19-year-olds who are wearing white pants).

You may be saying, "Jonesy, you've explained what we (I) won't get. We (I) want to know what we WILL get." Dear friends (friend), you will most likely hear wonderful tales (foggy recollections) of a girl experiencing the verge of summer with some of her nearest (I'm only saying this because you are the ones who read this) and most dear friends and frolicking (eating and drinking) through the countryside (the yard at Spanish's parent's house).

So I bid you adieu for the long weekend (mini-vacay!) and in the words of that sage (hobag) Britney Spears, Godspeed (peace out mofos).

Rating the Finales Part 4: The Mind Blowers

Heroes - C- - What the hell? All that build up for something that was easily guessable? The writers and producers had the opportunity to create an all out Battle Royale with Sylar, having Peter make Nikki invisible and Parkman reading his mind and Hiro knocking is block off with that sword, giving a sense of finality to season 1 and a good segue into season 2 (Molly knows of an even worse baddie!). But no, poor Peter almost got his ass handed to him and Nathan had to bail him out once again. Ugh. A let down in the first degree.


Lost - A+++++++++++ - WHAT A SURPRISE! The show I have bitched about all year really came through!!! I had heard buzz that this was THE finale to watch but I never in a million years predicted the flash forward, Walt's cameo, Charlie kicking it (THEY PROMISED THEY WOULDN'T!), and Jack's future addictions. And may I mention that E. Lily looked really pretty in the future. I guess she got a good post-island scrubbing. Oh, and the "I love you." Yowsa! Of course they have opened a whole new can of worms in true Lost form, but, this time, the whole landscape of the show has changed. Oh, and that great Sawyer moment, "That's for taking the kid off the raft," was a great throw back to Season 1's finale (who can forget Walt's screams "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!) Well played, JJ Abrams. Well played, indeed.

Rating the Finales Part 3: Reality Redux

Dancing With the Farts - C - Joey didn't win.

American Idol - C+ - Only for the fact that Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood both performed. Would have been an F because Doodle didn't win. And WTF was that Sanjaya solo performance?

I will not dignify reality TV with a longer post.

Rating the Finales Part 2: The Dramedies

Ok kiddos, I've been watching more TV than humanly natural these days and here's what we got sicne I'm tired and cranky. Spoilers afoot, beware.

Ugly Betty - B+ - Twists, turns and braces, OH MY! Loved that Amanda is really Fay Summer's daughter. Loved that Charlie might be knocked up with Dr. Farkus's kid (which YAY! Does that mean Jesse Tyler Ferguson will make a return! BUT, really, the Prison Break scene with Angela I mean Claire Meade? I was waiting for Mona and Tony to come undo her chains, a little silly but hey, makes for agood cliff hanger. Mark as Flavia Fabia or whoevers assistant, AWESOME! "She makes me smoke." It doesn't get much more funny than that. Alexis/Daniel, I don't really care too much about them to bein with so if one goes...I don't really care. gWould have been an A- but, really, did they have to shoot Santos????? And reading all of the above just goes to show how fabulously redonkulous this show is...

Brothers & Sisters - B - SOL IS GAY!!!! WOW! I for one, did not see that coming at all. This episode was fine, Justin's back in Iraq, Kitty's engaged, Sarah's a mess, Tommy is sad, Kevin is still slutty (with a Sentor's minister brother no less). Seems like not much has changed in the Walker family since William died in the pool during the pilot. Oh wait, and Rebecca's a homewrecking whore like her mom...thank God Rob Lowe is there to look pretty.

And finally...the one people have been waiting for....(only filed as a dramedy since the other dramas I watch are more Sci-fi-ish)

Grey's Anatomy - F- - Never have I been less satisfied with a season finale. Every plot point was stupid and in all honesty, even since the George Izzie cheating thing started all of the Seattle Grace interns/residents/surgeons have been on my last nerve. They should have saved teh ferry crash for the finale. George failed? Really? Burke booked? What? McDreamy made some quietly passionate speech to Meredith? Ok, that's not new. Meredith seemed cold? Who cares? Addison is jumping ship at the right time because this finale proved, my beloved show is on its way down. McDreamy and Meredith breaking up sounds like one giant shark jump to me.

Ok kids, I've watched Heroes and Have VERY strong opinions, but stay tuned. After Wednesday, I will post Part 3: The Sci-Fi Favorites

Rating the Finales Part 1: The Comedies

Ok, so in an effort to make my blog a little more exciting, I will be rating some season finales for you folks so you DVR and TiVo Junkies can decide what to get excited to watch and what you can be thoroughly dissapointed with. But if you are one of those folks who like sto be surprised stop reading now.

How I Met Your Mother - Grade B+ - It's hard to give any TV show that isn't an hour long more than a B but HIMYM was fantastic. Kudos to Ted for finally seeing the light and sending Robin Sparkles to the curb. Lily getting drunk at her own wedding - awesome. And Barney closing it out with a little "Legend-wait for it...." And props to CBS for giving us a third season so we can hear the "Dary!" part of that.

The Office - A- - Jan's breakdown was fantastic. Jim and Pam have a date!!!! HUGE! Ryan getting the job at corporate, HILARIOUS! But what people, no kiss?????? A kiss would have made the minus, a plus.

Stay tuned for my updates on Grey's, Lost, Heroes and in a couple weeks, One Tree Hill. But don't expect any Idol tidbits from me. As much as I hate this season, the fact that Doolittle got the boot before Blake really grinds my gears.

This does no justice.

And these sick fucks sat in the front row.

Head back, HEAD BACK!

The field trip to Six Flags was awesome. I love roller coasters, I love the thrill of being forced into the air at God knows what speed. But the Kingda Ka? You've got to be effing kidding me.

Mind you I wasn't told until after that it's the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster. You can see this thing from anywhere in the park. The Scream Machine? Child's play.

KrabbyPatty, DM and Homer (Spanish's husband, named so after his favorite cartoon character) and I waited on line. For all of 10 minutes (apparently I picked the best day ever to go to Six Flags, there was no one there). Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life. All I could hear was screams and all I could see were tears in the eyes of some tween in front of me. I bit a huge chunk of my nail off.

It went down like this:

Homer: "Holy crap did you see that?"

Me: "I'm just not looking. I'm just going to get on."

Homer: "No, look! They shoot you out so fast!"

Me: "Just don't talk to me."

I could only envy Future Mrs. KP and Spanish as they were the only two with enough brains to remain safely on the ground. They would later report that they saw some dude boot all over the ground as he ran full spped away from the coaster for his life.

As the car ahead of us with the tween pulled up (which signaled it was our turn to get in) I stared at her. She looked like someone just took her puppy away while they were simultaneously murdering all of the members on 'NSYNC.

I got in the car, pulled the safety thing over my head and buckled myself in for dear life. When the teenagers who worked on the ride came to check my safety, I said a silent prayer. I mean seriously, have you seen how old the kids are who work at Six Flags? The kid who served me my burger at Johnny Rockets was 14, tops. I should send the NJ department of labor in there, the park would be shut down for days.

Anyway, I made it. I said I would do it and I did. It went this fast, clouds, parking lot, ground and it was over. Maybe the wind and fear for my life and intense neck and back pain (they tell you to keep your head back...I couldn't. The thing shoots you out at 128 mph) were what caused the tears at the end, but I did it, and yes, I deserve an effing big cookie.

You're eating hair!

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the posts but I've been unmotivated and busy watching all of tv build up to it's finale. So chuckle on this until I come back!

Please excuse me

I didn't re-read that last post until now. Please excuse all typos and blame them on the v. strong margaritas I consumed. Thank you.

I promise more to come soonish on the Six Flags trip and Jones v. Kingda Ka.

FIELD TRIP!

Tomorrow morning, Spansih and hubby, The future Mr and Mrs Krabbypatty, DM and I are heading to Six Flags Great Adventure Theme Park and Safari in nearby Vernon, NJ. Not really nearby, but everyne needs a field trip every so often.

The fact that DM and I are waking up pre 8 AM is huge and Spanish's husband continues to refer to the Kingda Ka roller coaster as the Kingda Kock...and yes, I'm riding it...he likes to laugh at that.

I'm sure hilarity and mishaps will ensue. Stay tuned kids...I had margaritas pre-roller coaster, this could be ugly.


P.S. Yes I'm the tard who scheduled this outing the day after Cinco Day Mayo/Derby/Huge Pay Per View Fight...I suck.

Spanish's Folly

I love my friend Spanish. But she's special when it comes to myspace.

Let me pre-empt this story with an explanation of one of Spanish's quirks. She just so happens to have the absolute WORST timing ever. She's the friend who calls me right after I fall asleep during a much needed nap. Or she just so happens to stop by right when I am taking my Friday afternoon pre-drinking nap. Or, right when they give out some nugget of knowledge on Lost, she'll call. She can't help it and it's not on purpose, she just has shitty timing with her communications. It's at the point, that when the phone rings while London and I are watching tv, she immediately asks, "Is that Spanish?" And starts laughing. A good 8 out of 10 times it is.

Back to her myspace retardation. Spanish has had a myspace profile for a while. For about a year she had no photo and 4 friends. Then it was a photo of bald Britney. Now, she finally sucked it up and actually made a profile. Luckily her brother-in-law helped her in these intial stages because I would have probably killed her. It started so innocently, with her asking me how to post picture in comments, etc. Then one day, she rejected a friend request. Turns out she knew the person and poor Spanish thought the girl would be mad at her. This conversation lasted a half hour. She's nice like that. I would have said, fuck it, if they want to be my friend enough they'll just request me again or I could not talk to them for abother 8 years, either way, I'm cool.

Last summer, Spanish, her husband and I went for ice cream. At Carvel. Which means, I'm getting a cherry bonnet. For those of you don't know, a cherry bonnet is vanilla soft serve on a waffle cone dipped in cherry sauce, which hardens over the ice cream.

Chocolate and cherry bonnets....delish.

IT'S AWESOME. Needless to say, I was made fun of, because really, who eats something called a cherry bonnet. Apparently the same people who eat a cake called Cookiepuss.

Meet Cookiepuss.

Earlier this week I went on a massive hunt for a Mister Softee truck during my lunch break. Knowing that they serve cherry bonnets, I was psyched. Then I got to the truck and found an even greater concoction. The Red Merlin. The Red Merlin is a cherry bonnet, with effing rainbow sprinkles (or jimmies for all of you people who don't know normal english) at the top of the cone. So the ice cream looks like a red wizard's hat with a sprinkled rainbow brim. AWESOME!!!! Alas, Mister Softee's vanilla was out of order so I had to deal with some crappy chocolate. But I digress....

So I immediately told Spanish about my wonderful new find and she immediately had to inform her husband. She chose myspace as the mode of delivery. I sent her a photo of something called the Nutty Merlin. After teaching her how to upload the photo and post-it (allbeit an impatient teaching session) she was like ok, I think I got it. Then she called to say it wasn't working. We worked through that issue. Mind you, I'm trying to watch TV and eat dinner.

About a half hour later, she called yet again, right as they are announcing who was going home on Dancing with the Farts (and yes, I say farts instead of starts because let's face it, the word fart will always be funny). She was laughing hysterically. I made her wait until I saw the one-legged wonder get the boot.

Through uncontrollable laughter she explained that instead of a comment she had posted a bulletin. The title was "come check out my image!"

The photo was of something called a Nutty Merlin. Which honestly, in the image, does not look too much like ice cream. She either comes of like 1. Someone who REALLY like ice cream. 2. A wierdo. 3. Someone who really likes nuts named merlin.

So please excuse anything Spanish may send you on myspace. She's a great friend and wonderful gal, but when it comes to myspaceing she's in the remedial class.

PS I've learned to turn my phone off during naps.

An Open Letter To The Man Of My Dreams aka Heath Ledger

Heathy baby,

I love you. You know I do. I think you are the most attractive man in the universe. But if you make one more depressing love story I am going to have to break up with you and hold out hope for someone else.

As I write this, I watch the end of the movie Candy. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it's tragic. And I know you like to flex those acting muscles, but any chance I can get A Knight's Tale 2 or 11 Things I Hate About You? That was a nice movie. Nice and neat in the end. I like those. I like it when Heath gets the girl in the end and you both stay alive and live happily ever after. You have your indie-cred. You got the nomination. Now give us ladies what we want instead of constantly flipping us off (or wait, is that only the papparazzi?).
And almost showing your peen in the movie? Tease.

While your next project where you play The Joker really excites me, I need a feel good film. Even Michelle made The Baxter. It was indie-light, but light all the same. So whaddya say Heath honey? Please, for me? Just a light romantic comedy? It'll put Matilda through college!

Love,

Your Dearest Jones

P.S. Next indie film you do, whip out the peen, the world is waiting.

P.P.S. Take a shower, you look crusty.

Farewell young friend

I thought my laugh was bad

I hate my laugh. It's a cackle mixed with snorts. This girl is WAY worse.

An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf:

Dear Shia,

Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.



I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.

Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.

Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.

Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.

Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.

And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.


Love,

Your Jonesy

PS Grrrrrrrrrr.

Miss me?

I hope so. I've have been busy thoroughly enjoying the plastic easter egg filled with three cherry chapsticks the Easter Bunny left me. Even he knows about my quest to find the absolute best chapstick ever.

Pardon my absence. It has been due to some drunken evenings (which included the end of an era, like really, no more Waterloo, ever...like really, even when I'm really bored, never again, it's closed), family obligations (Do you think babies know it's Easter? My answer is: no. If they did they wouldn't cry during a delicious meal when everyone is trying enjoy some ham), potential life changes (leaving this one alone), laziness (I love to sit and watch tv all day), reformed gym going (yes, I saw Laverne, she says hello), reformed laziness (I only have a week's worth of work out clothes), and again, more drunkeness.

I promise I will be back soon with some quality posts. Maybe. No, really, I promise. Maybe. No, I swear this time.

PS Does anyone else love the way they whisper Sanjya's name on The Soup every weekend. I love you, Joe McHale.