A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

When I woke up Christmas morning, my mom promptly told me that my sister was in labor. By 1 pm Cutest Baby Ever (CBE) arrived in my life. My gift to her, a copy of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" inscribed with a message of love and support.

Here is what I didn't tell her that I am going to teach her OR Things I wish people had taught me:

1. Boys are stupid. They always will be and you can't change that. No, they don't analyze things like we ladies do, so don't waste your time. If a boy is being stupid find another one, preferably a younger one.

2. You are NEVER too young to be a cougar.

3. Girls are crazy. They always will be and you can't change that. And they are mean. And you can't change that either. So just be the meanest and make everyone fear you and you will be popular.

Source

Your new bible.

4. Here are some necessities:

• A good lip gloss




• A light perfume




• A good pair of black boots




• Being a fan of at least one sports team




• A good laugh (I'm still working on mine, someone told me I cackle)

5. Being able to sing, dance and hold your cocktail is a quality skill, work on that one while you're young.

6. Even though you will probably despise your Mom from ages 12-17, make sure you tell her you love her every day. She'll be the one you call when you get in trouble for underage drinking in college. But seriously. Moms are awesome (My sister just explained labor to me in high detail.).

7. Math beyond the 8th grade level is unnecessary and useless in the real world so don't try too hard.

8. Read books. They make you smarter and if you pick the right ones, you learn about sex really early on.

9. Our family has weird allergies to drugs. I am allergic to the ganj as is your other aunt. You can try it, but trust me, you'll be passed out or puking. I say, stick to booze and caffeine, at least they are legal.

This = puking.

10. Stack your shoes neatly in your closet. Stepping on a high heel at 8 am is agony.

11. Learn another language fluently, you will probably need it.

12. New York City is a place full of fun and late nights. Never take a cab back to Westchester alone at 4:30 am. Find the nearest diner, drink coffee to stay awake and hop the 5:35 back. And don't fall asleep. There are no cabs in Cos Cob.

13. Don't date or hook up guys with long beards.

14.The following things are scary:

• Ghosts




• Clowns (especially the sad kinds)




• Birds




• The Willy Wonka boat ride




• G'mork in The Neverending Story




• Michael Jackson's nose




• Michael Jackson




• Anything to do with Are You Afraid of the Dark on Nickelodeon




• Possibly me if I drink too much

And Finally...

15. Don't look up to Katie Holmes, she will only break your heart.

Mismatch.com

I recently logged onto my old match.com profile (which, in my defense, was created during a dry spell on a very rainy Saturday night) just to see who might be out there. I don't pay for the service so I can't really contact people but I find it fascinating how they match you up with people. If they can find my 100% match that would be awesome.



Well it finally happened. And apparently I am destined to fall in love someone we will call Troll McTrollerston. Now, I am aware that I am not Heidi Klum or even any kind of less hot version of any celebrity. I am just me, which, I think and have been told, is attractive by all reasonable standards. Actually, more than most reasonable standards. And this guy is not attractive by ANY resonable standards. If the bearded lady had sex with the Crypt Keeper which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy that led to the child having no parental love making him a sad and ugly human being it would look like this guy.



And that's really ugly. Because trust me, I've made out with some real lookers in my day, like the kind that might scare babies....and this guy, I mean seriously, match.com should institute a "NO TROLLS ALLOWED" policy STAT. So I'm officially done with them, not that I was ever really involved, but really, never logging in again. It's just depressing.



In the meantime, I will think about of what could have been.

(FYI - That isn't me. Pleated flare khaki pants? I would rather eff the troll.)

My Gift To You

If you don't think this is hysterical you suck.

7 DAYS!

I am still loving Christmas....

and yes I own this bobblehead.

OH BABY!

My sister may be popping out my little niece any day now so stay tuned....in the meantime, here is a picture of a baby that is of no relation to me.

I don't want a lot for Christmas...

My realistic Christmas list:

1. Dawson's Creek DVD's
2. New Digital Camera
3. New Clothes
4. Some fancy bath products
5. Gift Certificates
6. A new winter coat
7. My bed to finally get fixed

My unrealistic Christmas List:

1. My very own Lloyd Dobler
2. All of the NYC tourists to leave midtown
3. Bono to write a song about me
4. Bigger boobs
5. John Krasinski, Topher Grace, Zach Braff and Wentworth Miller to all propose to me at the same time. And for polygamy to be legal
6. A book deal
7. A new big girl bed

What I absolutely don't want for Christmas

1. The clap
2. To see Clay Aiken in person
3. To make out with an ugly man
4. Any more colds
5. Anything having to do with Britney Spears cooter
6. TomKat to breed anymore fake robot babies
7. Another broken bed

Sick Sucks

I've caught the plague for the third time this fall/winter. So while I would normally be out galavanting holiday style and rocking some red and green I have been reduced to something that resembles the PUS's (Poor Unfortunate Souls) in The Little Mermaid. This leaves one to wonder, why the ef do I keep getting sick? Let's evaluate my lifestyle:

1. Does weekend boozing cause illness? My answer is no. I figure that extreme amounts of vodka kill all of the bacteria/reduce infection/make me feel invicible. In no way does it leave me vulnerable to diseases (well the common cold anyway, two shots of whiskey and some poor judgement could create a whole other outcome).


2. Cigarettes? Since my illnesses have been strep throat and runny nose and only limited amount of coughing I'm gonna go with a no. But Jonesy, doesn't the FDA say that smoking causes cancer and other illnesses. I say, maybe, but they aren't causing what I have. Lighting a piece of paper mixed with dried leaves and rat poison effects me in no way. I swear. Fine, my fingers were crossed, but I really don't smoke that much anymore. Promise. Damn, caught me again! Ok, I smoke a few during the week but on the weekends it becomes a bigger habit, because you know, the booze makes me forget,

3. Boys? Ok, it's been a slow few months. With the exception of some early November cougaring. So no.

4. Being a cougar? Yes, because younger boys are less hygenic and are more prown to other hussie's cold germs. But since that was in early November I see no correlation to my sickness now.

5. Work? Offically the culprit. I spend more time with hacking, couching runny-nosed coworkers then I care to and germs spread like Britney's legs when she isn't wearing drawers. The more time I spend there the more ill I get. This blows.

O' Christmas Rules!

Only a kick ass holiday would have a drink called nog. Actually, I hate eggnog. It smells nast and I can only come to the conclusion that drinking large volume of it will make you vomit. And the color makes it look like something spoiled. Regardless of all of its obvious nastitites, it is still a popular holiday beverage. Why? Because Christmas is like the biggest kid in class. It tells all of the other holidays what to do. And if Christmas says eggnog is still part of his click than so be it. Vomit and all.