Project Runway = Awkward City

Is it just me or did SJP seem like she was doing her best Tyra Banks (a la ANTM) on PR last week?

"And the next name that I picked..."

Stick to scripts.

As I hate hell all Julias

As I've made it clear in the past, I hate Julia Stiles. Like really hate. Hate which exponentially grew as I watched Mona Lisa Smile this weekend (on the contrary, my love for Ginnfer Goodwin has grown to the ful fledged girl-crush).

But my hate for Miss Stiles (PLEASE DON'T GET MARRIED AND BREED!) isn't the extent of my hate for all things Julia. Watching Stiles and another Julia, Julia Roberts, made me want to puke in my mouth. Really ladies, phoning it in much?

I had something written here about another Julia I have never met. It was mean and unnecessarily harsh. I've deleted it because I don't know her and since she doesn't know me I felt that it was in bad form to keep it up here. Not that she would ever read this since she probably has a life.

But Julia Stiles, that bitch will go down if it's the last thing I do.

A List and a List revisited

I found this list I scribbled in my planner on the way home from a post-grad trip to Baltimore. This was composed in January 2005. Carly and I were on the Greyhound bus back to the city after a very long weekend of boozing and too many cigs. To amuse ourselves me made lists of qualities that our potential husbands MUST have. Now, almost three years later, I found the list, written in the finest of Bic ballpoint, in a pocket of said planner. Here is said list verbatim:

Husbandry (what he MUST have)

1. Good sense of humor
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes
5. Good with children
6.Wants to have children
7. Assertive
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way)
9. Hygenic
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets
11. Good sense of self
12. Know when to back down
13. Must appreciate quiet moments
14. Lets me have me time
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship
17. Faithful
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus
19. Good kisser & good at the studd
20. Likes to travel
21. Likes me for more than the outside
22. Not a worrier
23. Cann deal with my family
24. Be a best friend
25. Honest
26. can't be married to his work

26 THINGS! So young, so naive, so....effing awful. Someone hit old me wth a tree branch and knock in some reality. Here is that same list, with present day Jones's comments.

Husbandry (what he MUST have)--seriously...I hope my writing has gotten better than this.

1. Good sense of humor (a given)
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply) --(this is lame, and where would I meet a poet?)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top (BRING THEM ON! What was I thinking?)
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes (Screw this idea all together--unless we are staying in to bang.)
5. Good with children (Sure, but I don't know anyone who isn't)
6.Wants to have children (Like it or not I having them--that's what affairs are for--kidding)
7. Assertive (No. No. No. I like my men like my cream. Whipped.)
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way) (WTF does this even mean?)
9. Hygenic (Dear 2005 me, THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING!)
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets (still very true. I refuse to fight about baseball.)
11. Good sense of self (I could care less.)
12. Know when to back down (This is still true. I can't stand a person who doesn't know when to stop. Just as in drinking: If I'm getting pissed, I've had enough.)
13. Must appreciate quiet moments (Blah. Blah. Blah.)
14. Lets me have me time (ok, even then I knew I was a beyotch when I'm smothered)
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends (This is like #2 now. Homer and Mr. Krabbypatty told me I need their approval before bringing anyone into our "inner circle.")
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship (Old me makes me vomit sometimes.)
17. Faithful (Um, why is this #17 ?)
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus (I don't care if you believe the talking tree in FAO Schwartz is your Lord and Savior.)
19. Good kisser & good at the stuff (Hey, 2005 Jones, it's called sex and you've had plenty to be able to start calling it that. Also, don't hook up with that Brazilian in London...)
20. Likes to travel (Important, yes.)
21. Likes me for more than the outside (Yowsa, so 2005 Jones thinks she's fly....oh, she's just getting over the stomach flu so she's way skinny. Bitch, that shit don't last.)
22. Not a worrier (Someone's gotta worry about your drinking...might as well be a dude!)
23. Can deal with my family (This will never happen, should be changed to: Someone who wants to be around me and has developed an anxious but steady acceptance of my family)
24. Be a best friend (So corny it made me vomit.)
25. Honest (um, WHY IS THIS #25?)
26. Can't be married to his work (Screw this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...and leaves room for pool boy sex.)

Almost three years later the list has been diminished to the basics, someone clean, honest, faithful and lover of the Mets.

The only additions are as follows:

Must like booze.
Must not wake me up from sleep or midday naps.
Must be normal

The problem seems to lie within that last one. Oh well...

If you're wondering, this year I'm thankful I'm not the sad, lost soul who composed this rediculous list of high expectations and such. I am also thankful I am not that fugly, talentless bitch who calls herself Julia Stiles. Happy Turkey Week!

Great Moment in IM Conversations: 2 Girls, 1 Vomit

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Balls...or lack thereof

Today I checked my email to see I had two comments waiting for moderation. I thought to myself, "Self, you have a reader! Kudos to you! Someone likes to read your work!" Then I read what they said. Apparently an anonymous commenter has beef with dear ol' Jonesy. And since I don't take things lying down and this person obviously wants some attention, I will oblige and share your thoughts about me with the rest of the world.

Take this for example:

"Noone(sic) cares about you. Your(sic) a miserable brides maid(sic). Thats(sic) all you'll ever be. noone(sic) will ever love you "

"Wow," you may be thinking. That's way harsh. But five errors in three sentences? Who taught this person to write/read? Sloth from the Goonies? And I happen to be a pretty good bridesmaid. Ask my sisters or BFF or Spanish or Mrs. Krabbypatty. No misery there. Severe intoxication? Possibly. But not misery. And there are plenty of people who love me. So dear commenter, no need to worry your non-existent sac of cowardice.

Or what about this gem from a post about my dissapointment in the 2007 Mets season?

"and just like the men in your life, the mets woke up the following morring and said to them selfs,"wow, how did I fuck up that bad?"

Them selfs? Yowsa. I am dealing with a 5 year old with the mouth of a truck driver who's been in the road too long. And unless we've had all the sex, you have no reason to be criticizing. And if we have, you definitely wouldn't be saying that. Unless you're the guy that I brought home on St. Patrick's Day. The whole thumb tack thing...that was weird.

Also, these were posted at around 1 am on late Friday/early Saturday. Who is reading blogs then? Blogs are for reading at work when you're bored, not after you just completed a five hour internet porn binge. What, Bang Bus not hard core enough? Had to get your non-existent rocks off by picking on me?

Since this is such a personal attack I can only assume this is someone I know. And since I pretty much know who reads this, I have an idea of who it is. And I could care less. Just sad you can't say this to my face. The fact that you "don't care" is obviously not a fact. It's a lie. Because someone who didn't care wouldn't say such hurtful things. I have no idea why you're (see you put an apostrophe when it's two words...never mind, you're too dumb to understand) angry or what I did, but I can assure you that you have just proved every notion I ever had about you. There is much more I can say to you that would hurt far worse, but I'm better than you and you know that. You are a shell of a human being and I feel sorry for you.

If my intuition is failing me and this is a random stranger, I pity you. The fact that you put people down and hide behind anonymity is sad and small. Put down the keyboard and find some friends, maybe meet a girl. Maybe she'll touch your penis. I promise, it will help.

So that is my rebuttal to you, anonymous commenter. Take it as a Whitney Houston-esque, "KISS MY ASS!" Or better yet, in the wise words of one Janice Ian, "SUCK ON THAT! AYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYY!"

Have you ever?

Have you ever had a day drag on so long that you feel like you've actually aged sittig at your desk?


Today is one of those days for me. And it bothers me that I have to be here tomorrow since I've finished that work too. Looks like it's time for me to take on new projects!!!

I find myself working ahead which eventually leaves me with nothing to do or just waiting on what other people have to look at. And since I work in an industry that's all about face time, I have to sit here and work because I would really like to get promoted some time soon!

The weekend may be right around the corner but it feels like a month away...OY!

Never Play Scrabulous on Facebook with someone who works in porn.

She's so excited!

Has anyone ever watched Showgirls on VH1? The put these Jessica Rabbit cartoon-like bathing suits on Jesse Spano's boobs. It's the funniest thing I've seen all day.

Great Moments in IM Conversations: Couggery

DM: yes seems like the boys love the older ladies
Jones: its all about the young ones
DM: i dunno ive been hearing about a lot of older ladies as of late
DM: maybe u should start dating younger men.
Jones: thats what i meant
Jones: its all abou t the younger men
DM: ohhh yes
Jones: and i cant get a "date" with a guy our age let alone a younger one
Jones: i can only bed them, teach them my skills and share them with the world
DM: maybe this is an untapped resource
4:20 PM
Jones: um i've tapped it
Jones: a lot
DM: skank
Jones: i love to coug
DM: haha wurd
im a cou
g
by 4 months
Jones: doesnt count when its that little
Jones: i say 2 years or more
DM: shh
DM: yea
DM: I’ve couged
Jones: it's fun
DM: couggged
DM: how would u spell that
Jones: couged
Jones: maybe two g's?
DM: cougged
DM: yea
Jones: that looks right
Jones: we totally just made it a verb
DM: nice
Jones: speaking of cougging
Jones: i need a piece
Jones: i think ill call the intern
DM: yes that would worlk
Jones: maybe he'll booze me up
Jones: i feel like he's getting over me though
he may have met the most severe of the cougars
Jones:..accouting/finance cougar
DM: no
DM: nonono
DM:HR cougars
DM: grrrrrrrrrrr
DM:or is it meow
Jones: well they are legendary
4:25 PM
DM: oh yea
Jones: I think it's a roar
DM: like a lion
Jones: lioness
DM: ahh touche

I'm Twenty Six.

It's been officially twenty-four hours since my birthday. I am now twenty-six. For the first time I can ever remember, I actually feel like I've gotten older. This might sound weird. Let me explain. I don't feel old (except during my hangovers) and I don't look old (except during my hangovers) but I feel older. Older, wiser and maybe a little more mature. Still a kid at heart but old enough to know better. Head still in the clouds but feet planted firmly on the floor. I can say it now. I am twenty-mothereffing-six.

Some of you who read this will know why this past birthday became, er, somewhat difficult for me. I won't dwell on the details because I already attempted processing my feelings on Monday and that ended up giving me ridiculously puffy eyes for a day and a phone call to Domino's pizza on 40th street. In the end, I gave myself a day to work through, well, I guess what I'll call an "episode."

At the end of it all, I've realized I've learned so much over the past year. I've found myself wondering lately, in a world of weddings, babies and people buying property, that it can feel like I've jut been standing still for the past three years. But I'm on my own unpaved road here, and more so than I thought, 25 brought me many a life lesson. Here are some I thought I'd share with my usual vague details.

1. Like Dr. Phil says, "It's ok." For the first time in like, years, I felt myself falling for someone. This time I didn't walk away. In the end, it wasn't right (see #2) but I am proud of myself for letting go and actually feeling something again.

2. People can disappoint you no matter how much you believe in them. You can't will someone to change. In the case of this person I really hope they do someday. I won't be there waiting because I think they have cooties now, but I saw a glimpse of potential of a great person that I could have really given my all for. But you know, cooties is a deal breaker.

3. One cannot fathom the miracle of life until someone you know has a baby. Like literally the baby was inside and the next day was chilling in the hospital. It still amazes me.

4. I've lowered my expectations of people. People will always let you down. If you lower your expectations, it takes some of the sting of disappointment away.

5. Growing up is scary. I hate fear. That is the root of all of my anxiety. My fear of fear.

6. I can't control everything in my life. Hence my necessity for TOTAL control of the things I can actually manage.

7. Marriage isn't a race with winners or losers. (Do you hear that Heidi and Spencer?) And even assholes get married all the time. Think about it: If marriage was a game Pam Anderson, Liz Taylor and J.Lo would be winning.

8. The past is like a ghost that will keep haunting you until you make your peace with it.

9. Things change, people evolve (ok totally stolen from Dawson's Creek but Joey Potter was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo right).

10. Just because you think someone is the right person for you, it doesn't mean they are.

11. I am who I am and there are a lot of people who like me this way. Those who don't can suck it.

12. Kelly Clarkson follows me around and writes songs inspired by my life (ok, just a theory, but I'm putting it out there).

13. You can't change the past. It's ok to let some of your dreams die. Life won't turn out the way you always imagined it. All you can do is move on and find your own way. Even if that motion is at the pace of a turtle. Then again, the tortoise came out on top in the end.

Sorry this was so boring and self-serving but it's been that kind of week.

Great Moments in IM Conversations: Jones DMC

Me: my point is, you have what so many of us want, so really, you should be confidant in yourself
Me: wow, that was like rev run deep
DM: u should send out daily texts

No more basebal anxiety this year...

I've found a direct corrolation between the teams I root for and the men I choose to involve myself with. In the end, I never end up satisfied. They always come up a little short in the end. But at least most of the Mets still have their hair. Go figure...until April.

Other than that, no comment. I'm sort of devastated but I lived through the '90s. I've been let down before.

And another one bites the dust...

Congratulations to The Krabbypattys! They were officially married this weekend in a beautiful ceremony which was followed by what may be considered the dance party of the century. I officially claim myself as the winner of the Benetar award for best '80s dancing of the night. They are off in Greece now on their honeymoon and I can't wait for them to get back so we can recap the awesomeness of their festivities.

Some highlights:

1. The pastor saying the words "sexual" and "erotic" during a prayer. Yes, I managed to hold in all laughter.

2. Some of us may have encouraged the flower girl to do the Little Miss Sunshine Dance.

3. Chest bumping with Homer.

4. Spanish's adorable MOH speech (seriously, props for not crying until the end).

5. There were incidents with bobby pins. Lots of them.

6. Walking into a pole when laughing about said bobby pins. I also win the clutsy bridesmaid award.

7. Cocktails...lots of them. I love open bar.

As of Sunday, I am no longer on bridesmaid duty, at least for now. What the hell am I going to do/write about/occupy myself with? Well, considering the fall TV shows are just starting I will have that. But I assume I will also have more free time to make a drunk tard of myself so 'm sure I'll have more good stories to come. Did I mention my bday is jus a few short weeks away??? Party on, Krabbypattys.

Sweet Tooth

Where are these little bitches when you need them? I want some thin mints.

Also, do Jenny Lewis and Carla Gugino cringe when they see this?

Great Moments in IM Conversations: My Phases

Me: hes not that big
Me: but seriously I'm apparently going through a chubby bald phase
well not me
DM: oh jonesy
Me: but the guys i crush on
Me: are chubby and baldo
Me: but hairy everywhere else
DM: well that does sound familiar
Me: um you think?
DM: hahahahhahaa
Me: but at least it's better than my skinny mexican phase
Me: or extremely tall african american phase
Me: or pug nosed russian phased
DM: stop im gonna pee
Me: or crooked weiner Asian phase
DM: STOP
Me: hahaha
Me: fuck i need ass

My new job...

makes me tired and cranky....but...Guess who scored tix to Kelly Clarkson for her bday! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe!


I suck, more to come in the future. Hopefully something good will happen to me this week.

ANGER ALERT!

I HATE YOU JULIA STILES! YOU ARE PLAIN LOOKING AND A TERRIBLE ACTRESS! IT'S LIKE YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND SAID, "I THINK I'LL BE IN MOVIES." ARGH! YOU ARE THE WORST EVER. YOU ARE THE WORST, REALLY, THE WORST.

Hamptons - 2, Jones - 0

I am still recovering from this weekend. Thanks to DM and co. I was more drunk than I have been in quite sometimes. My hangover from Saturday is just now going away. Why did I make this second cameo out East this weekend? Two words: Beer. Olympics.

Or as the folks who made the sign like to say: Beer Olimpics.

Special Olimpics indeed.

And while I didn't really partake in too much of the days events besides the occasional round of flip cup and a the world's greatest beer soaked dance party, there were some memorable moments...that were told to me on Sunday. For example, DM's boyfriend wore a ref's jersey (in which he bore a starling resemblance to the late, great lead singer of Queen) and painted on what could be called a Hitler mustache. He is now known as Adolf Mercury. Amazing.

There were tricycles. And beer. And pinatas. Do the math. That's right, it equals awesome.

Slip 'N Slides and nudity and a moose hat all got involved somehow. This is where it gets blurry and I think I took a nap wearing nothing but a bikini. I felt that free. So free that when I did get dressed, I had my bra hanging out, wait how does Lionel say, oh yea, all night long.

Then my liver said FUCK YOU! and that's where it ends. I got nothing. So if you saw a girl running around The Drift on Saturday with her boobs hanging out like a drunk disaster, that was moi, in all of my shitfaced glory.

Until next summer, Hamptons, just you wait. I will win one of these days. I swear it.

RIP: Spanish's Gallbladder

She's alive. Uncomfortable but alive. On Saturday I brought Homer lunch because he had been taking such good care of her. Then he left to get some air and run some errands, and I stayed with a percocet-glazed Spanish until her mom and grandma came to do what else...speak in Spanish to her.

I also babysat the niecey this weekend and ate dinner with my 70 year old neighbors. When I realized that I was living the life of an aged person I put the call in to DM & Co. to be rescued. Thanks guys, I was a minute away from dentures, an early bird special, and listening to Wilford Brimley's 'betus speeches.

At long last...

I started my new job last week.

I am either going to rock at this or go down in flames...please pray it's the former.

So for now, no blogging from work. But I will say it's weird to not be working for one particular person. I've grown so accustomed to being someone's assistant that I'm not sure how I will fare for myself out here in the real world, where I actually have deadlines and have to manage my time.

On a funny note, on my last day at the old gig, my boss high-fived me goodbye. No handshake, no awkward hug...he gave me a high five and said "Good job!"

He also insulted me like 5 time in a toast he made at my farewell luncheon. Oh well...on to bigger and better things!