Saturday night DM got herself hitched. She looked gorg, the party was awesome. Needless to say, weddings are a fantastic opportunity to get absolutely shit-faced without embarassment because really, unless you're the bride, nobody gives a shit.
SOOOO, well, I may have possibly run my mouth off a bit and said something at (I say at because I wasn't saying it to the person's face--mind you it's the person I suspect of this ) somebody. If I did say something, I'm not totally sure what it was, but I'm betting if it actually surfaced, it wasn't my most classy of moments.
OR...since my memory is heavily impaired...this all happened in my head and I kept my mouth shut like I had planned. But knowing my track record, I most slurred with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and looked really stupid. So I guess I lose. Oh well, I'm sure if I blabbed, I meant every word. So in the end, I feel about as sorry as Gilly from SNL.
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow...
Yesterday was DM's birthday. Yesterday, DM got engaged. Yesterday was one of the best days of her life and she deserves it. Yesterday, I got a tetanus shot. It still effing hurts.
Today, Spanish and I went shopping for her husband, Homer. Today, Homer had his first day as a cop in my hometown. Today, I realized that because I live in New York City and take cabs, I have become a God-awful driver and almost crashed into the Cloisters on the Henry Hudson North.
Tomorrow, BFF is having a C-Section. She's pissed she can't deliver naturally. I am excited and nervous for her. Tomorrow, she becomes a mom. Tomorrow, I hope to visit her and her baby girl and then get drunk while decorating my Christmas tree.
I really need to get a more exciting life.
Today, Spanish and I went shopping for her husband, Homer. Today, Homer had his first day as a cop in my hometown. Today, I realized that because I live in New York City and take cabs, I have become a God-awful driver and almost crashed into the Cloisters on the Henry Hudson North.
Tomorrow, BFF is having a C-Section. She's pissed she can't deliver naturally. I am excited and nervous for her. Tomorrow, she becomes a mom. Tomorrow, I hope to visit her and her baby girl and then get drunk while decorating my Christmas tree.
I really need to get a more exciting life.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I'm Twenty Six.
It's been officially twenty-four hours since my birthday. I am now twenty-six. For the first time I can ever remember, I actually feel like I've gotten older. This might sound weird. Let me explain. I don't feel old (except during my hangovers) and I don't look old (except during my hangovers) but I feel older. Older, wiser and maybe a little more mature. Still a kid at heart but old enough to know better. Head still in the clouds but feet planted firmly on the floor. I can say it now. I am twenty-mothereffing-six.
Some of you who read this will know why this past birthday became, er, somewhat difficult for me. I won't dwell on the details because I already attempted processing my feelings on Monday and that ended up giving me ridiculously puffy eyes for a day and a phone call to Domino's pizza on 40th street. In the end, I gave myself a day to work through, well, I guess what I'll call an "episode."
At the end of it all, I've realized I've learned so much over the past year. I've found myself wondering lately, in a world of weddings, babies and people buying property, that it can feel like I've jut been standing still for the past three years. But I'm on my own unpaved road here, and more so than I thought, 25 brought me many a life lesson. Here are some I thought I'd share with my usual vague details.
1. Like Dr. Phil says, "It's ok." For the first time in like, years, I felt myself falling for someone. This time I didn't walk away. In the end, it wasn't right (see #2) but I am proud of myself for letting go and actually feeling something again.
2. People can disappoint you no matter how much you believe in them. You can't will someone to change. In the case of this person I really hope they do someday. I won't be there waiting because I think they have cooties now, but I saw a glimpse of potential of a great person that I could have really given my all for. But you know, cooties is a deal breaker.
3. One cannot fathom the miracle of life until someone you know has a baby. Like literally the baby was inside and the next day was chilling in the hospital. It still amazes me.
4. I've lowered my expectations of people. People will always let you down. If you lower your expectations, it takes some of the sting of disappointment away.
5. Growing up is scary. I hate fear. That is the root of all of my anxiety. My fear of fear.
6. I can't control everything in my life. Hence my necessity for TOTAL control of the things I can actually manage.
7. Marriage isn't a race with winners or losers. (Do you hear that Heidi and Spencer?) And even assholes get married all the time. Think about it: If marriage was a game Pam Anderson, Liz Taylor and J.Lo would be winning.
8. The past is like a ghost that will keep haunting you until you make your peace with it.
9. Things change, people evolve (ok totally stolen from Dawson's Creek but Joey Potter was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo right).
10. Just because you think someone is the right person for you, it doesn't mean they are.
11. I am who I am and there are a lot of people who like me this way. Those who don't can suck it.
12. Kelly Clarkson follows me around and writes songs inspired by my life (ok, just a theory, but I'm putting it out there).
13. You can't change the past. It's ok to let some of your dreams die. Life won't turn out the way you always imagined it. All you can do is move on and find your own way. Even if that motion is at the pace of a turtle. Then again, the tortoise came out on top in the end.
Sorry this was so boring and self-serving but it's been that kind of week.
Some of you who read this will know why this past birthday became, er, somewhat difficult for me. I won't dwell on the details because I already attempted processing my feelings on Monday and that ended up giving me ridiculously puffy eyes for a day and a phone call to Domino's pizza on 40th street. In the end, I gave myself a day to work through, well, I guess what I'll call an "episode."
At the end of it all, I've realized I've learned so much over the past year. I've found myself wondering lately, in a world of weddings, babies and people buying property, that it can feel like I've jut been standing still for the past three years. But I'm on my own unpaved road here, and more so than I thought, 25 brought me many a life lesson. Here are some I thought I'd share with my usual vague details.
1. Like Dr. Phil says, "It's ok." For the first time in like, years, I felt myself falling for someone. This time I didn't walk away. In the end, it wasn't right (see #2) but I am proud of myself for letting go and actually feeling something again.
2. People can disappoint you no matter how much you believe in them. You can't will someone to change. In the case of this person I really hope they do someday. I won't be there waiting because I think they have cooties now, but I saw a glimpse of potential of a great person that I could have really given my all for. But you know, cooties is a deal breaker.
3. One cannot fathom the miracle of life until someone you know has a baby. Like literally the baby was inside and the next day was chilling in the hospital. It still amazes me.
4. I've lowered my expectations of people. People will always let you down. If you lower your expectations, it takes some of the sting of disappointment away.
5. Growing up is scary. I hate fear. That is the root of all of my anxiety. My fear of fear.
6. I can't control everything in my life. Hence my necessity for TOTAL control of the things I can actually manage.
7. Marriage isn't a race with winners or losers. (Do you hear that Heidi and Spencer?) And even assholes get married all the time. Think about it: If marriage was a game Pam Anderson, Liz Taylor and J.Lo would be winning.
8. The past is like a ghost that will keep haunting you until you make your peace with it.
9. Things change, people evolve (ok totally stolen from Dawson's Creek but Joey Potter was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo right).
10. Just because you think someone is the right person for you, it doesn't mean they are.
11. I am who I am and there are a lot of people who like me this way. Those who don't can suck it.
12. Kelly Clarkson follows me around and writes songs inspired by my life (ok, just a theory, but I'm putting it out there).
13. You can't change the past. It's ok to let some of your dreams die. Life won't turn out the way you always imagined it. All you can do is move on and find your own way. Even if that motion is at the pace of a turtle. Then again, the tortoise came out on top in the end.
Sorry this was so boring and self-serving but it's been that kind of week.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
And another one bites the dust...
Congratulations to The Krabbypattys! They were officially married this weekend in a beautiful ceremony which was followed by what may be considered the dance party of the century. I officially claim myself as the winner of the Benetar award for best '80s dancing of the night. They are off in Greece now on their honeymoon and I can't wait for them to get back so we can recap the awesomeness of their festivities.
Some highlights:
1. The pastor saying the words "sexual" and "erotic" during a prayer. Yes, I managed to hold in all laughter.
2. Some of us may have encouraged the flower girl to do the Little Miss Sunshine Dance.
3. Chest bumping with Homer.
4. Spanish's adorable MOH speech (seriously, props for not crying until the end).
5. There were incidents with bobby pins. Lots of them.
6. Walking into a pole when laughing about said bobby pins. I also win the clutsy bridesmaid award.
7. Cocktails...lots of them. I love open bar.
As of Sunday, I am no longer on bridesmaid duty, at least for now. What the hell am I going to do/write about/occupy myself with? Well, considering the fall TV shows are just starting I will have that. But I assume I will also have more free time to make a drunk tard of myself so 'm sure I'll have more good stories to come. Did I mention my bday is jus a few short weeks away??? Party on, Krabbypattys.
Some highlights:
1. The pastor saying the words "sexual" and "erotic" during a prayer. Yes, I managed to hold in all laughter.
2. Some of us may have encouraged the flower girl to do the Little Miss Sunshine Dance.
3. Chest bumping with Homer.
4. Spanish's adorable MOH speech (seriously, props for not crying until the end).
5. There were incidents with bobby pins. Lots of them.
6. Walking into a pole when laughing about said bobby pins. I also win the clutsy bridesmaid award.
7. Cocktails...lots of them. I love open bar.
As of Sunday, I am no longer on bridesmaid duty, at least for now. What the hell am I going to do/write about/occupy myself with? Well, considering the fall TV shows are just starting I will have that. But I assume I will also have more free time to make a drunk tard of myself so 'm sure I'll have more good stories to come. Did I mention my bday is jus a few short weeks away??? Party on, Krabbypattys.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
If I Could: A Tacky Wedding
Occasionally I wonder what would happen if I had unlimited funds and a whole lot of time. So here is a new type of post I'm calling "If I Could." Here are my musings on what kind of tacky wedding I would have, "If I could."
Date: 4th of July. Why? Free fireworks for all. But instead of having those little smiey faced ones I would have the folks at Macy's design special pyrotechnics that would launch firworks that would explode in the shapy of my face and beau, encircled by heart with an arrow going through it. God bless America and God bless us.
Ceremony Location: Shea Stadium. Why? Because in my little world where I have more money than Bill Gates, everyone will want to attend my nuptuals. I need stadium seating. But considering that this affair will come after 2009, I would have to buy Shea Stadium before it's torn town and transplant it to a patch of land. So, I will have to buy all the real estate on the Lower East Side/East Village, evict all the hiptards, level all the annoying builldings/hangouts and place Shea down there. Any hispter who does not vacate will just be seen as collatoral damage.
Reception: Central Park Why? Because I would need pretty much the entrie park for all the guests. It's a simple matter of capacity. All the important people will be allowed in the great lawn with me, while all the on-lookers will have to stay down in Sheep's Meadow. The people I really don't like will be sent to sit on the ball fields, and have to make due with a hotdog cart and ice cream man.
Bridal Party: The obvious suspects, my sisters, BFF, Spanish, Future Mrs. Krabby Patty, Jennifer Aniston, Kelly Clarkson, Wonder Woman.
The best man will be Michelle Williams. Because let's face it, Heath wouldn't want anyone else helping him out more than his ex-wife/baby momma.
The other best man (did I mention this was Big Love?) will be Kylie Minogue, who will be trying to hold Robbie Williams up, because we will have to kick that guy off the wagon to marry me.
Flower children: My neice will be head flower child which means she is the boss of all other flower children and they need to kiss her feet and give her money and presents. Other flower children: Suri Cruise (but Tom has to sit in the baseball team area for the reception, Katie can stay with me but only if I can call her katie and send her to de-programmer who will burn her with ciggie butts until she rejects Scientology), Zahara Jolie-Pitt (screw Shiloh), Maddox Jolie-Pitt (screw Pax), and The Olsen Twins.
I will not walk down the aisle. The entire New York Mets team will kneel on hand and knee (in their custom NYM tuxes) and I will walk on their backs.
Colors: "My culuhs are blush and bashful." And yes, Dolly Parton will be flown in to do my hair and Julia Roberts will be forced to have a diabetic seizure.
Theme: The theme is everyone look uglier than the bride. Thanks.
Black Tie: Not optional. It's demanded. But only skinny black ties are allowed. And even the women have to wear them.
Entertainment: Think of Live Aid + Live 8, ONLY BIGGER. Headliners will include a reunited 'NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, S Club 7. Also Amy Winehouse, The Beastie Boys, Shakira (but she has to dance in a brown paper bag since no one is allowed to look better than me), U2, Madonna, Oprah, Larry King, Gallagher. Ellen Degeneres will be dancing in a cage above the stage, non-stop.
Gown Design: I will change every 30 minutes into a new gown. The designers will have to pay me to wear their dress at the ceremony. I have a feeling Bobby Trendy won't win. It will be easy to dress me because I will be thinner than Victoria Beckham. And she will be forced to eat the entire reception.
Food: I will leave that up to the house elves from Hogwarts.
Party Favors: Everyone will receive an 8x10 of me, autographed, of course.
Honeymoon: 1 week at each Hedonism resort in the world.
A girl can dream, can't she?
Date: 4th of July. Why? Free fireworks for all. But instead of having those little smiey faced ones I would have the folks at Macy's design special pyrotechnics that would launch firworks that would explode in the shapy of my face and beau, encircled by heart with an arrow going through it. God bless America and God bless us.
Ceremony Location: Shea Stadium. Why? Because in my little world where I have more money than Bill Gates, everyone will want to attend my nuptuals. I need stadium seating. But considering that this affair will come after 2009, I would have to buy Shea Stadium before it's torn town and transplant it to a patch of land. So, I will have to buy all the real estate on the Lower East Side/East Village, evict all the hiptards, level all the annoying builldings/hangouts and place Shea down there. Any hispter who does not vacate will just be seen as collatoral damage.
Reception: Central Park Why? Because I would need pretty much the entrie park for all the guests. It's a simple matter of capacity. All the important people will be allowed in the great lawn with me, while all the on-lookers will have to stay down in Sheep's Meadow. The people I really don't like will be sent to sit on the ball fields, and have to make due with a hotdog cart and ice cream man.
Bridal Party: The obvious suspects, my sisters, BFF, Spanish, Future Mrs. Krabby Patty, Jennifer Aniston, Kelly Clarkson, Wonder Woman.
The best man will be Michelle Williams. Because let's face it, Heath wouldn't want anyone else helping him out more than his ex-wife/baby momma.
The other best man (did I mention this was Big Love?) will be Kylie Minogue, who will be trying to hold Robbie Williams up, because we will have to kick that guy off the wagon to marry me.
Flower children: My neice will be head flower child which means she is the boss of all other flower children and they need to kiss her feet and give her money and presents. Other flower children: Suri Cruise (but Tom has to sit in the baseball team area for the reception, Katie can stay with me but only if I can call her katie and send her to de-programmer who will burn her with ciggie butts until she rejects Scientology), Zahara Jolie-Pitt (screw Shiloh), Maddox Jolie-Pitt (screw Pax), and The Olsen Twins.
I will not walk down the aisle. The entire New York Mets team will kneel on hand and knee (in their custom NYM tuxes) and I will walk on their backs.
Colors: "My culuhs are blush and bashful." And yes, Dolly Parton will be flown in to do my hair and Julia Roberts will be forced to have a diabetic seizure.
Theme: The theme is everyone look uglier than the bride. Thanks.
Black Tie: Not optional. It's demanded. But only skinny black ties are allowed. And even the women have to wear them.
Entertainment: Think of Live Aid + Live 8, ONLY BIGGER. Headliners will include a reunited 'NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, S Club 7. Also Amy Winehouse, The Beastie Boys, Shakira (but she has to dance in a brown paper bag since no one is allowed to look better than me), U2, Madonna, Oprah, Larry King, Gallagher. Ellen Degeneres will be dancing in a cage above the stage, non-stop.
Gown Design: I will change every 30 minutes into a new gown. The designers will have to pay me to wear their dress at the ceremony. I have a feeling Bobby Trendy won't win. It will be easy to dress me because I will be thinner than Victoria Beckham. And she will be forced to eat the entire reception.
Food: I will leave that up to the house elves from Hogwarts.
Party Favors: Everyone will receive an 8x10 of me, autographed, of course.
Honeymoon: 1 week at each Hedonism resort in the world.
A girl can dream, can't she?
Monday, June 04, 2007
Why I Love NY1 Commercials:Part 1
This is one of my favorite commercials ever. 1. These weddings look like the tackiest events ever (go to the website where they discuss their Versailles-like oppulance). And wait for the 20 second mark.
2. "WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!" Why is she screaming? And why does it come out of nowhere? And what's with her raising her arm like Ava Perone?
I love low-budget local news channels and those who sponser them.
Monday, January 29, 2007
"GET THE CHAMPAGNE!"
Ok, so this girl is psycho. And is it just me, or does one of the the bridesmaids look like one of those manly triplets from MTV's Super Sweet 16?
I think this could be fake, but if not, God help the poor groom.
Take note Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty-if you pull a stunt like this we will be laughing at you.
And full credit goes to Spanish, for sending this link.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Another B2B!
Gotittogether just became a B-2-B. Her BF, now fiance, who I like to call Krabbypatty (because he is a nasty meanie in the morning) popped the question on Friday!
So to the future Mrs. KrabbyPatty I say Congrats! And I look forward to getting wasted and trying to make out with someone at your wedding. (just kidding...sort of).
So to the future Mrs. KrabbyPatty I say Congrats! And I look forward to getting wasted and trying to make out with someone at your wedding. (just kidding...sort of).
Honey, you can Lego of my hand now....
weddings make me lame.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Here comes the bride...with Jonesy right behind!
BFF is now officially now Mrs. BFF. Despite my complete exhaustion now, I can say that I had a fantastic time.
Her calla lillies galore (and I mean galore, she got them on even the tiniest details like her garter and the ring bearer pillow and the box that had the almonds in them.) made the reception hall look absolutely AMAZING! I mean, who thinks of freezing flowers in an ice sculpture? Mrs. BFF!!!!
As maid of honor I had to make a speech at the reception. Literally, the speech had been giving me anxiety since my birthday in 2004, the day they got engaged. I hate speaking in public and being that there were 300 guests at the wedding, it was definitley public.
I wrote my speech based on little notes I had taken for months and it all finally came together. I kept my speech in my purse in the bridal suite, and when it came time for us to do our grand entrance, I realized I couldn't carry my bag. I tucked my speech into my girdle of a bra, and prayed that my nervous sweat wouldn't smear the ink.
It went pretty well, I didn't stutter (I can turn into Piglet when I'm nervous) and strangers ended up complimenting my speech. I guess I have a gift for mushy congratulatory prose but I can honestly say I meant every word.
Then I officially started boozing. I have learned that I have to watch the booze intake during cocktail hour because I tend to eat very little at weddings (when I'm in them) and it's easy to get drunk when say, an entire bottle on wine, and some champagne and some vodka hits the belly before 7 pm. Needless to say, parts of Spanish's reception are a blur. But luckily, she was well aware that I had drunk bridesmaid written all over me when she asked me to be in her wedding.
Her calla lillies galore (and I mean galore, she got them on even the tiniest details like her garter and the ring bearer pillow and the box that had the almonds in them.) made the reception hall look absolutely AMAZING! I mean, who thinks of freezing flowers in an ice sculpture? Mrs. BFF!!!!
As maid of honor I had to make a speech at the reception. Literally, the speech had been giving me anxiety since my birthday in 2004, the day they got engaged. I hate speaking in public and being that there were 300 guests at the wedding, it was definitley public.
I wrote my speech based on little notes I had taken for months and it all finally came together. I kept my speech in my purse in the bridal suite, and when it came time for us to do our grand entrance, I realized I couldn't carry my bag. I tucked my speech into my girdle of a bra, and prayed that my nervous sweat wouldn't smear the ink.
It went pretty well, I didn't stutter (I can turn into Piglet when I'm nervous) and strangers ended up complimenting my speech. I guess I have a gift for mushy congratulatory prose but I can honestly say I meant every word.
Then I officially started boozing. I have learned that I have to watch the booze intake during cocktail hour because I tend to eat very little at weddings (when I'm in them) and it's easy to get drunk when say, an entire bottle on wine, and some champagne and some vodka hits the belly before 7 pm. Needless to say, parts of Spanish's reception are a blur. But luckily, she was well aware that I had drunk bridesmaid written all over me when she asked me to be in her wedding.
Innappropriate, innnapropriate...I promise, no Old School moments
Then it was time for Mrs. BFF's mama to start her matchmaking. I was introduced to someone like this:
"Jonesy have you met your future husband? You're both so smart your kids will be in MENSA."
Lucky for me the guy was actually cute and I didn't feel so dateless the rest of the night because everyone kept telling me that I was going to have babies with this guy that I had just meant. Apparently, our kids will be beautiful. Spanish even pointed it out when she saw pictures, his tan skin and my light eyes will make adorable kin.
Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match...
It was weird, but I laughed it off. To bad for Jonesy, future husband lives in Washington DC. And his mother was sitting with him when I said goodbye. Typical. Oh yea, and did I mention that he watched me pour a galss of wine all over myself...classy. But hey, that's a wedding! And I wasn't that much of a boozy floozy.
It was weird, but I laughed it off. To bad for Jonesy, future husband lives in Washington DC. And his mother was sitting with him when I said goodbye. Typical. Oh yea, and did I mention that he watched me pour a galss of wine all over myself...classy. But hey, that's a wedding! And I wasn't that much of a boozy floozy.
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