This is what I do with my time.

Quizzes Girls Games

What? Uh-Huh. Sorry.

Saturday night DM got herself hitched. She looked gorg, the party was awesome. Needless to say, weddings are a fantastic opportunity to get absolutely shit-faced without embarassment because really, unless you're the bride, nobody gives a shit.

SOOOO, well, I may have possibly run my mouth off a bit and said something at (I say at because I wasn't saying it to the person's face--mind you it's the person I suspect of this ) somebody. If I did say something, I'm not totally sure what it was, but I'm betting if it actually surfaced, it wasn't my most classy of moments.

OR...since my memory is heavily impaired...this all happened in my head and I kept my mouth shut like I had planned. But knowing my track record, I most slurred with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and looked really stupid. So I guess I lose. Oh well, I'm sure if I blabbed, I meant every word. So in the end, I feel about as sorry as Gilly from SNL.

CITIZEN'S ARREST!

If anyone sees Adam Lambert from American Idol, please knock him out. He is atrocious and awful. Yes, he can sing. But his general appearance is a crime against my eyes. HATE HATE HATE!

Do I need Tough Love?

So Vh1 is pimping its new show called Tough Love. In short, some douchey dating guru takes a batch of classless ladies and teaches them how to snag a man who will want them for more than one night. The commercials speak common sense to me, so I assume the show will follow suit and the only reason to watch is to laugh at these sad little disasters. Or is it? I'm not the type who goes on dates all the time or the kind of gal who can attract the type of man that would actually be a suitable match. Maybe I could take a tip since my dating life can be boiled down to two things: stalking and utter disinterest. Not on my part. See, I either meet a decent guy and he texts me 28 times in one night (this happened two weeks ago) or I like a dude and he blatantly ignores me because I have a tendency to blend into the background when I really like someone.

Let's face it. We can all improve. As the sage Kelly Clarkson sings, "I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too." I do have issues. Tons. And I'm pretty sure that most of them can be chalked up to quirks. But really, admit it men of NYC, you are pretty messed up too. Maybe I just mingle with the wrong sort. Here's what I deal with:

Species: The Beer Geek
Locations: Fratty bars where everybody has a friend who is bartending that night
Known For: Drinking crappy beer and ordering round after round of shots
Beware: This man WILL give you a hangover and cause you immense amounts of shame within your social circle.

Species: The Has-Been
Location: Your hometown, known to appear around holidays, especially the night before Thanksgiving
Known For: Being super hot in high school
Beware: This man has gone down hill since the late nineties. Most likely has a receding hair line and beer gut and quite possibly, a wife. May have tendencies to resent people who moved out of town. It is OK to reminisce, but approach with caution, as objects tend to appear younger and hotter the more drinks consumed.

Species: The Re-Run
Location: Most likely close to where you currently live
Known for: Not being a total asshole the first time around...in fact, you aren't sure why things ended
Beware: There IS a reason things ended. Even if you have good sex blinders on you will remember eventually and nobody likes a repeat offender.

Species: The One That Got Away
Locations: God only knows now.
Known for: Being perfect in every way, and even more perfect over time.
Beware: As the years pass, women develop selective memory. Just because somebody maintained their looks over time, doesn't mean they are still that same old sweetie you remember. Don't forget: It's easy to remember him bringing you flowers, especially when you don't recall the time he kicked you out of his car for puking.

Species: The Neil Patrick Harris
Locations: There's one in every crowd
Known for: Being really fun, knowing the lyrics to Britney songs, wearing a preponderance of pink shirts and never being able to find a nice girl.
Beware: If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck...it's probably gay. But be nice and try and set him up with that cute guy in your office who lets you know when Perez posts something funny.

Species: The Mickey Rourke
Locations: They resurface every so often, cause a big fuss and then fade away
Known for: Being really hot and then having a tragic downfall, like jail or rehab. But then they come back a little broken but kind of better than before.
Beware: Call Dr. Drew because homeboy will prolly relapse before you can call "dibs" on his ass.

Species: The Tool
Locations: Everywhere, like roaches, these guy will survive the nuclear holocaust
Known for: General douchebaggery
Beware: You know he's bad for you, but the other half of the bed ain't gonna warm itself. Slap yourself, pinch yourself do whatever it takes, because this will most liekly end with you crying and gaining ten pounds in "fuck him" weight.

Species: The One That's Undercooked
Locations: Most likely moved away or living somewhere married
Known for: Being really awesome and totally perfect, except he "wasn't ready for anything serious."
Beware: That whole line about not being ready for anything serious is code for you aren't the right girl. And that sucks. Balls. So don't invest any time, it's like investing in stock that you will never get a return from. Send him back so they can re-fire him and serve it to someone else.

Species: The Stalker
Locations: They dwell at night, usually between the hours or midnight and 5 am or until they pass out
Known For: Calling non-stop, especially while drunk
Beware: Sure it might be cute to have a textual flirtation but be advised: this man will not stop. Ever. So don't ever show him where you live or introduce him to your pet rabbit.

Species: The Normal Guy
Locations: Like unicorns and zero-calorie vodka, these men are mostly mythical. But when a solar eclipse occurs during a half moon on the 18th, you just might get to see one!
Known for: Being awesome, liking the your favorite sports team (Mets for me, obvs) and has general good sense to just be effing normal.
Beware: If you see one, approach with caution and make sure he knows you only come with good intentions. Do not show signs of excitement, as this may make the normal guy run for the hills, only to run away on a rainbow to swim in a chocolate river with leprechauns and Edward Cullen.

Now to be fair, I am a commitment-phobe with major Daddy issues, but at least I'm not on the pole and I'm pretty open-minded (I mean, I've given all of the described above a fair shot minus the normal one).

So do we all need Tough Love? Should we all just get a coach to tell us what to do and say? Probably not, because in the end, every pot has a lid, no matter how many times that pot has slept with your roommate.

Know of more species? Post them in the comments.

I'm a little late...

But this is the best Oscar re-cap I've ever read. Enjoy.

Thank You, Bonnie Hunt

Ok so in my current state of employment limbo, I watch a lot of TV. Especially daytime TV. Here's my schedule.

10 am - 11 am - Good old Rach teaches me how to cook while simultanesouly annoying me senseless.
11 am - 12 am - I get my menopause fix while watching The View.
12 am - 1 pm - I usually eat lunch at this time or watch the news.
1 pm - 2 pm - All My Children or a DVR'd show.
2 pm - 3 pm - Bonnie Hunt amuses me with her stories about her mom and family. My cousin even won a caption contest on her show once.
3 pm - 4 pm - Ellen (or as I call her Elle Belle, because I have a nonsexual crush on her).
4pm - 5 pm - Oprah drops knowledge on my ass.

Do this 5 days a week, repeat with the occasional VH1 show thrown in for good measure.

I like to think I learn something new everyday, but usually I play on the internet, try to get some work done (like the last two weeks) or something while watching.

Today's Bonnie Hunt was super-meta. As I was watching the program and playing on he internet, Bonnie brought out guest Nick Malis to discuss Cute Things Falling Asleep, one of my favorite memes.

Nick went on to announce his new sister site, Cute Things Laughing. So while playing on the internet while watching TV, I learned about a new thing to play with on the internet that shows me video. I love this world.

No Thank You

I thought this was fake, but alittle googling has proved this site to be, in fact, 100% real.

http://www.myspace.com/dennishaskinskaraoke

Mr. Belding continues to terrorize the world.

May God have mercy on all of us.

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,


Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.

STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.

And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.

Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.

Thanks,

Jones

Intolerable Cruelty

Why do they air commericals fore beverage mecca Sonic and $5 buffet CiCi's in Manhattan.

1. Neither of these exist here. Nor does Friendly's. Or Chuck E. Cheese. Manhatty is barren of the deliciousities.

2. 90% of the people in Manhattan down own cars so they can't drive the 70-90 miles to get to one of these establishments.

3. Besides myself, most people don't desire such things as a Kiwi Limeade drink with round ice cubes or a $5 pizza pasta salad bar. So really, nobody watching really cares.

Point moot. So please stop torturing me with these tittalating commercials showing cheese and burgers and milkshakes with candy bar bits. It's mean. My inner fat girl beseeches you to stop this. And my outer appearences thanks these places for not coming to Big Apple because she has recently shed 15 pounds (Yay Unemployment!) and would like to stay on the smaller side. K Thnks.

"The Century Plant"

Best part about the Twilight movie? Fritzy from the movie Camp is in it. Oh, wait. Have you not heard of Fritzy or Camp? Oh, then you obviously aren't a gay man or an unemployed blogger with too much time on her hands.

Fritzy sabotages a girl at her show tunes camp so she can sing a song from Company:


Here is a taste:



Here's more...



And then the real tour de force. I present the strangest song ever:





You're Welcome.

ANTM: More than one transgendered contestant?

Or does Marjorie from the new cycle of ANTM kind of look like Bastian from The Neverending Story?

Exhibit A

http://www.alicia-logic.com/capspages/caps_viewall.asp?titleid=67


Exhibit B

http://www.tvguide.com/tvshows/americas-model/photos/100032/2


I wish I had a screencap to further my case.

Dear Prison Break,

I love you again.

Love,

Me

"Pack your bags we leave tonight!"

There are four things I will always remember about 2003.

1. I graduated college.
2. I went toVegas for the 1st time.
3. The blackout in NYC.
4. Paradise Hotel on Fox.

For those of you who don't know about the hotel, this should give you a good idea. The theme song was even like crack. "Two tickets to paradisseeeeeeeeeee, pack your bags we leave toniiight!" (yes I know that's a real song). Anywho, it was on lke 2-3 times a week, kind of like Big Brother so the season flew by.

So anyway, at the end of the season, the announcer comes on and says something like: "STay tuned for the next season of Paradise Hotel...you never know what will happen..."

And I waited. I figured like Temptation Island (awesome!) and Joe Millionaire (slurp sounds!), Fox would jump on the chance to make another edition of this quasi-hit.

And I waited. And waited some more. I reminisced about scary man-lady Toni, Zack and Amy's relationship and how hot Beau was. I bitched about the end result. And then I gave up.

I nearly peed myself when I found out that this reality gem would finally bring us a sequel...4.5 years later and on the bootleg channel, my9.

So far, things have been pretty standard, sex, booze, annoying peopleand reality all-stars (RYAN!). Then I watched last night's epi. They hinted they were bringing in a former contestant, I figured it was one of the folks they booted this season. Then the big reveal...IT WAS ZACK! FROM SEASON ONE! THE GUY WHO GOT AN EARLY BOOT BECAUSE HE WAS A JACKASS AND THEN GOT BOOTED AGAIN FOR MAKING THREATS OF VIOLENCE!

And he looked well, um, er, haggard? I remind you that this is years in the making. The new kids are all young, jacked and tan. Zack has crows feet at the age of 28 he is obvi the oldest one there. And while he seems to have bonded with Mikey over the fact that he lost Tonya the same way he was once kicked off, he seems to be siding with the Newbies, including super-tits Stefanie. Gross.

Zack, don't let me down!!!! I want an OG to win this time! Also, next week it looks like the shizz is going down! And dear my9, please put this show on more than once a week. We have at least two-three months left, please don't drag it out and make me listen to Amanda's fake accent anymore or Myrna's PAINFUL voice.

Ugh, this show is great. Watch it. It's TV at it's absoute worst, yes worse than the Hill. But it's fantastic.

Idol Giveth and Idol Taketh Away

First Perry and his cunty girlfriend now Michael Johns. From now on I'm rooting for shitty people on reality shows since they seem to be the ones who win. I want effing recounts considereing I couldn't even get through to vote for Michael. Idol Gives Back? ERRONEOUS!

Apparently I'm moving to Canada.

REALLY AMERICA? HOLLY?

ugh. Reality TV hurts my brain.

Perry, you are my Supermodel. Always.

If he doesn't win I'm moving to Canada.

I'm not talking about a political candidate. I'm talking about hotty hot hotterson, Perry, on Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel.

How psyched am I to see el senor en FUEGO reunite with his slutastic (ex?) girlfriend (who probably still smell of Adnan juice)? It's like reality TV Christmas (think the finale of Joe Millionaire Season 1 mixed with the bizarre pleasure of watching Toni on Paradise Hotel Season 1 and a splash of a Flavor of Love naming ceremony).


If either member of Bronnie wins I will pack my knives and go. Srsly.

Pot/Kettle

Barbara Walters hosting a special about old people living to be well, older...a little self serving don't you think?

WHAT THE EFF?

Is going on with The Bachelor? Why is this still on? Wouldn't you think the like .2% success rate would turn people off?

And what is with the girl with "the meeps." In my world, that's called Tourette's.

You lika the Perry?

So apparently the folks who surf the interwebs are fans of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel and the drama with his girlfriend. Ever since I posted some stuff about it, traffic has spiked. So here I am, mentioning it again, in hopes that some of you who visit for the info like the blog and continue to read. If you don't, suck it.

So it turns out I was wrong, that she didn't leave him a voicemail and they actually spoke on the phone. BUT when he called her back after hanging up on him, she totally hit "IGNORE" and sent his ass to voicemail. She was probable too busy grooming Adnan's face pubes.

I'm excited to see how the drama unfolds, but Perry, if you ever read this, please get in touch. Your fine ass deserves way better!

Really?

How much worse can the spelling get on Flavor of Love? Season 1 it was funny, Season 2 it was redic. and now it's just horrid.

So examples:

DYMZ
Grayvee
Seezinz
Myammee
Shore-Tee
Sinceer

If you can read these you have been watching this show for way too long.