Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,
Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.
STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.
And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.
Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.
Thanks,
Jones
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters. Show all posts
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Thursday, March 06, 2008
An Open Letter: To the girlfriend of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel
It's Jonesy Bitch.
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? According the the interwebs, you got caught up with Adnan, yes Britney's nasty BF with the flavor savor soul patch.
Supposedly, on tonight's epi, you will leave Perry a cryptic message and dump him.
WHAT! ADNAN! Do you have brain trauma? Does Adnan have a platinum cock covered in chocolate?
Perry is hot. He is what men should be. Hot, a little gay, and just HOT!
I think you should go hang out with Julia Stiles. Maybe you two want to make a suicide pact?
Fuck you and you're trying to be famous ways.
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? According the the interwebs, you got caught up with Adnan, yes Britney's nasty BF with the flavor savor soul patch.
Supposedly, on tonight's epi, you will leave Perry a cryptic message and dump him.
WHAT! ADNAN! Do you have brain trauma? Does Adnan have a platinum cock covered in chocolate?
Perry is hot. He is what men should be. Hot, a little gay, and just HOT!
I think you should go hang out with Julia Stiles. Maybe you two want to make a suicide pact?
Fuck you and you're trying to be famous ways.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
An Open Letter to the girlfriend of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel
Whoever you are:
ARE YOU A MORON? You suck so bad. Even if he was cheating on you (which he's perfect so I don't think he ever wuld do that), you suck it up and deal like Nora Walker (as portrayed by the magnificent Sally Field) on Brothers & Sisters. Ignore it. Let it go. Because you will never get a man as good looking and full of awesome as you have right now.
Brother is so effing hot I would literally lick him on the face if I saw him in person. I would suck on his broken foot and I hate feet.
So seriously girl, get over yourself and tell the man what he wants to hear without being a menstrual beyotch. And make him a tape for Valentine's Day/YOUR ANNIVERSARY.
That is all.
-JONES
PS Why is the world full of such shitty girlfriends when fabulous ones like me are left on the bench?
ARE YOU A MORON? You suck so bad. Even if he was cheating on you (which he's perfect so I don't think he ever wuld do that), you suck it up and deal like Nora Walker (as portrayed by the magnificent Sally Field) on Brothers & Sisters. Ignore it. Let it go. Because you will never get a man as good looking and full of awesome as you have right now.
Brother is so effing hot I would literally lick him on the face if I saw him in person. I would suck on his broken foot and I hate feet.
So seriously girl, get over yourself and tell the man what he wants to hear without being a menstrual beyotch. And make him a tape for Valentine's Day/YOUR ANNIVERSARY.
That is all.
-JONES
PS Why is the world full of such shitty girlfriends when fabulous ones like me are left on the bench?
Thursday, August 02, 2007
An Open Letter to Matt Damon...
Dearest Matthew:
First, I have to let you know, I love you. If I was offered a job as your personal ass pincher for the rest of my life I would glady accept. You're a hottie. Show me your peen.
Second, I have to say that I was a little hurt when your driver tried to run me over yesterday as you were leaving David Letterman. I was just trying to get home from work, not attack your car. Sure, I saw the tons of people waving at your vehicle, but I wa snot one of them because honestly, I couldn't even see you. Was it then necessary, for your black GMC truck to come barreling across 8th Avenue straight at me? I really don't think so. Was that effer Affleck driving (I assume since he has no career he is now your "Turtle" a la Entourage.)
I could have thrown myself in front of the car and sued but no, I chose to take a step back and avoid and type of mangling that your driver could provide. Since, out of the kindness of my heart, I saved you money and public embarassment, I have one request.
I would like you to sleepover. Just one night. And no sex (although I may ask you to show me the peen as noted above) because you are married and a father and I am not going the Angelina route. All my friends will come over and we'll all get wasted and maybe some people will start hooking up and me and you will be like, "Hey, isn't that weird, I never thought those two would go together." And then they will start dating and we'll still be like "Remember when they hooked up the night I had that sleepover?" And then they'll get engaged and it will be all nice and happy and then married and you'll obvs be invited because by that point you're in the click and everybody's boy. And we'll all be like "Really, who knew?" and then maybe you'll be going through a tough time in your marriage and your daughter will have just started school and Affleck's in rehab again and we'll get all deep in conversation and then make out and we won't start a whirlwind romance because you're married and you'll win your second Oscar because I inspired you and then get divorced and we'll celebrate by announcing our new relationship on Oprah and then have 3 babies and that couple who hooked up at that party will get divorced and we'll be like, "Woah! We didn't see that coming, but remember when they hooked up at that sleepover? That was weird."
Sincerely yours in all of your Bourneness,
M. Jones
First, I have to let you know, I love you. If I was offered a job as your personal ass pincher for the rest of my life I would glady accept. You're a hottie. Show me your peen.
Second, I have to say that I was a little hurt when your driver tried to run me over yesterday as you were leaving David Letterman. I was just trying to get home from work, not attack your car. Sure, I saw the tons of people waving at your vehicle, but I wa snot one of them because honestly, I couldn't even see you. Was it then necessary, for your black GMC truck to come barreling across 8th Avenue straight at me? I really don't think so. Was that effer Affleck driving (I assume since he has no career he is now your "Turtle" a la Entourage.)
I could have thrown myself in front of the car and sued but no, I chose to take a step back and avoid and type of mangling that your driver could provide. Since, out of the kindness of my heart, I saved you money and public embarassment, I have one request.
I would like you to sleepover. Just one night. And no sex (although I may ask you to show me the peen as noted above) because you are married and a father and I am not going the Angelina route. All my friends will come over and we'll all get wasted and maybe some people will start hooking up and me and you will be like, "Hey, isn't that weird, I never thought those two would go together." And then they will start dating and we'll still be like "Remember when they hooked up the night I had that sleepover?" And then they'll get engaged and it will be all nice and happy and then married and you'll obvs be invited because by that point you're in the click and everybody's boy. And we'll all be like "Really, who knew?" and then maybe you'll be going through a tough time in your marriage and your daughter will have just started school and Affleck's in rehab again and we'll get all deep in conversation and then make out and we won't start a whirlwind romance because you're married and you'll win your second Oscar because I inspired you and then get divorced and we'll celebrate by announcing our new relationship on Oprah and then have 3 babies and that couple who hooked up at that party will get divorced and we'll be like, "Woah! We didn't see that coming, but remember when they hooked up at that sleepover? That was weird."
Sincerely yours in all of your Bourneness,
M. Jones
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
An Open Letter To The Man Of My Dreams aka Heath Ledger
Heathy baby,
I love you. You know I do. I think you are the most attractive man in the universe. But if you make one more depressing love story I am going to have to break up with you and hold out hope for someone else.
As I write this, I watch the end of the movie Candy. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it's tragic. And I know you like to flex those acting muscles, but any chance I can get A Knight's Tale 2 or 11 Things I Hate About You? That was a nice movie. Nice and neat in the end. I like those. I like it when Heath gets the girl in the end and you both stay alive and live happily ever after. You have your indie-cred. You got the nomination. Now give us ladies what we want instead of constantly flipping us off (or wait, is that only the papparazzi?).
And almost showing your peen in the movie? Tease.
While your next project where you play The Joker really excites me, I need a feel good film. Even Michelle made The Baxter. It was indie-light, but light all the same. So whaddya say Heath honey? Please, for me? Just a light romantic comedy? It'll put Matilda through college!
Love,
Your Dearest Jones
P.S. Next indie film you do, whip out the peen, the world is waiting.
P.P.S. Take a shower, you look crusty.
Monday, April 16, 2007
An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf:
Dear Shia,
Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.
I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.
Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.
Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.
Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.
Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.
And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.
Love,
Your Jonesy
PS Grrrrrrrrrr.
Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.
I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.
Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.
Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.
Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.
Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.
And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.
Love,
Your Jonesy
PS Grrrrrrrrrr.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)