In which I contemplate the career of one Ms. Julia Stiles...

since I've ranted on how much I hate Julia Stiles. Since I caught a few moments of the piece of dogshit they call a movie "The Prince & Me" this weekend, I thought it might be appropriate to revisit to the topic of how much she sucks and why she has a career.

I don't know anyone who likes her or her acting. Did she sleep her way to the top? I don't think so because she is pretty fugs. Or maybe she, er, um, does things most women won't do (anal). That has to be it.

Or maybe she is like Harriet the Spy and has tons of dirt on Hollywood execs and blackmailed them into a career. That would make sense too.

Since she kind of looks 45, maybe she posed as a therapist to Hollywood honchos for a few years and then said she would expose them if they didn't cast her as a teenager who looks 40.

Or maybe she won a contest where the prize was a lifetime of starring roles.

Or maybe she found a magic lamp with a genie voiced by Robin Williams inside.

Or maybe she is good at science and made a magic potion to get people to think she is a good actress.

Or maybe...


I mean the posibilities are endless because it's impossible to explain how saomeone who sucks so hard can be famous.

The Bard is rolling over in his grave.

I attempted to watch the 2000 version of Hamlet, the one with a less-hungry/cracky looking Ethan Hawke. About 2 minutes in I was disturbed/vomity/pissed when they showes a flash of none other than J.S. as Ophelia.

She continues to ruin my life, one play/movie at a time.

If I could...meet famous people.

Another installation of an If I could. Since I'm lazy, here is a list a famouses I would like to meet.

Famouses I want to meet since I think we could be BFF

1. Kelly Clarkson
2. Sophia Bush
3. Jenna Fischer
4. Tina Fey
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Neil Patrick Harris

Famouses I want to meet out of sheer interest

1. SJP - Does she really look like a foot as Family Guy suggests?
2. James Van Der Beek (I want to measure his forehead and lick his Dawsony face-just to say I did)
3. Renee Zellweger - I want to pry that bitches eyes open.
4. Ellen Pompeo is only to feed her
5. Christina Ricci - I want to know if she really did it with Justin in Black Snake Moan (SHIT LOOKED REAL!)
6. Elizabeth Taylor - I want to hear her howl in real life!
7. Elliot Yamin - to decide, once and for all, if we ever did have a drunk makeout sesh.

FILF (in no particular order)

1. Christian Bale
2. Perry from Make Me a Supermodel (I count him as famous since I think he's gonna make it big!)
3. Lenny Kravitz
4. Michael Johns (same reason as Perry)
5. Shia La Beouf
6. Channing Tatum
7. John Krasinski
8. Clooney
9. Pitt
10. Damon
11. Robbie Williams
12. Vince Vaughn (with 2 condoms)
13. Joel McHale
14. James Marsden

Famouses I'd like to meet if I was assured that I could get away with justifiable homicide

1. Julia Stiles

An Open Letter: To the girlfriend of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel

It's Jonesy Bitch.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? According the the interwebs, you got caught up with Adnan, yes Britney's nasty BF with the flavor savor soul patch.

Supposedly, on tonight's epi, you will leave Perry a cryptic message and dump him.

WHAT! ADNAN! Do you have brain trauma? Does Adnan have a platinum cock covered in chocolate?

Perry is hot. He is what men should be. Hot, a little gay, and just HOT!

I think you should go hang out with Julia Stiles. Maybe you two want to make a suicide pact?

Fuck you and you're trying to be famous ways.

1.22.08

The day my biggest celeb crush of all time died. My heart is broken. I will miss you Heath Ledger.

God is mean.

Here are a list of people that God should have taken instead:

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt
2. Jeff Goldblum
3. Carrot Top
4. Britney (she's going anyway)
5. Amy Winehouse (Ditto)
6. Anyone other than Heath Ledger.
7. Julia Effing Stiles

I have legit chest pains and I feel like crying.

RIP Heath. You will always be someone I loved once.


Update: I have not been able to do any work since I found out. I am officially devastated.

Update 2: I'm totally depressed that my niece and soon-to-be nephew will grow up in a world without Heath...

Update 3: I just realized Heath will be in the "In Memoriam" montage during the Oscars. I just want to cry.

Update 4: I'm trying to figure out how to mourn someone I've never even met. I thought about going down to Broome Street but I realize how redic that is.

As I hate hell all Julias

As I've made it clear in the past, I hate Julia Stiles. Like really hate. Hate which exponentially grew as I watched Mona Lisa Smile this weekend (on the contrary, my love for Ginnfer Goodwin has grown to the ful fledged girl-crush).

But my hate for Miss Stiles (PLEASE DON'T GET MARRIED AND BREED!) isn't the extent of my hate for all things Julia. Watching Stiles and another Julia, Julia Roberts, made me want to puke in my mouth. Really ladies, phoning it in much?

I had something written here about another Julia I have never met. It was mean and unnecessarily harsh. I've deleted it because I don't know her and since she doesn't know me I felt that it was in bad form to keep it up here. Not that she would ever read this since she probably has a life.

But Julia Stiles, that bitch will go down if it's the last thing I do.

A List and a List revisited

I found this list I scribbled in my planner on the way home from a post-grad trip to Baltimore. This was composed in January 2005. Carly and I were on the Greyhound bus back to the city after a very long weekend of boozing and too many cigs. To amuse ourselves me made lists of qualities that our potential husbands MUST have. Now, almost three years later, I found the list, written in the finest of Bic ballpoint, in a pocket of said planner. Here is said list verbatim:

Husbandry (what he MUST have)

1. Good sense of humor
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes
5. Good with children
6.Wants to have children
7. Assertive
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way)
9. Hygenic
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets
11. Good sense of self
12. Know when to back down
13. Must appreciate quiet moments
14. Lets me have me time
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship
17. Faithful
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus
19. Good kisser & good at the studd
20. Likes to travel
21. Likes me for more than the outside
22. Not a worrier
23. Cann deal with my family
24. Be a best friend
25. Honest
26. can't be married to his work

26 THINGS! So young, so naive, so....effing awful. Someone hit old me wth a tree branch and knock in some reality. Here is that same list, with present day Jones's comments.

Husbandry (what he MUST have)--seriously...I hope my writing has gotten better than this.

1. Good sense of humor (a given)
2. Thoughtful but not cheesy (poets need not apply) --(this is lame, and where would I meet a poet?)
3. Good at compliments but not over the top (BRING THEM ON! What was I thinking?)
4. Likes to go out and do interesting things but knows how to stay in sometimes (Screw this idea all together--unless we are staying in to bang.)
5. Good with children (Sure, but I don't know anyone who isn't)
6.Wants to have children (Like it or not I having them--that's what affairs are for--kidding)
7. Assertive (No. No. No. I like my men like my cream. Whipped.)
8. Has to fight for me (not in a violent way) (WTF does this even mean?)
9. Hygenic (Dear 2005 me, THIS GOES WITHOUT SAYING!)
10. Be a fan of or appreciate the Mets (still very true. I refuse to fight about baseball.)
11. Good sense of self (I could care less.)
12. Know when to back down (This is still true. I can't stand a person who doesn't know when to stop. Just as in drinking: If I'm getting pissed, I've had enough.)
13. Must appreciate quiet moments (Blah. Blah. Blah.)
14. Lets me have me time (ok, even then I knew I was a beyotch when I'm smothered)
15. Be able to talk to and hang out with my friends (This is like #2 now. Homer and Mr. Krabbypatty told me I need their approval before bringing anyone into our "inner circle.")
16. Challenges me and xpects me to work at relationship (Old me makes me vomit sometimes.)
17. Faithful (Um, why is this #17 ?)
18. Have some sort of religion, preferrably a believer in Jesus (I don't care if you believe the talking tree in FAO Schwartz is your Lord and Savior.)
19. Good kisser & good at the stuff (Hey, 2005 Jones, it's called sex and you've had plenty to be able to start calling it that. Also, don't hook up with that Brazilian in London...)
20. Likes to travel (Important, yes.)
21. Likes me for more than the outside (Yowsa, so 2005 Jones thinks she's fly....oh, she's just getting over the stomach flu so she's way skinny. Bitch, that shit don't last.)
22. Not a worrier (Someone's gotta worry about your drinking...might as well be a dude!)
23. Can deal with my family (This will never happen, should be changed to: Someone who wants to be around me and has developed an anxious but steady acceptance of my family)
24. Be a best friend (So corny it made me vomit.)
25. Honest (um, WHY IS THIS #25?)
26. Can't be married to his work (Screw this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...and leaves room for pool boy sex.)

Almost three years later the list has been diminished to the basics, someone clean, honest, faithful and lover of the Mets.

The only additions are as follows:

Must like booze.
Must not wake me up from sleep or midday naps.
Must be normal

The problem seems to lie within that last one. Oh well...

If you're wondering, this year I'm thankful I'm not the sad, lost soul who composed this rediculous list of high expectations and such. I am also thankful I am not that fugly, talentless bitch who calls herself Julia Stiles. Happy Turkey Week!

ANGER ALERT!

I HATE YOU JULIA STILES! YOU ARE PLAIN LOOKING AND A TERRIBLE ACTRESS! IT'S LIKE YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND SAID, "I THINK I'LL BE IN MOVIES." ARGH! YOU ARE THE WORST EVER. YOU ARE THE WORST, REALLY, THE WORST.