This year's Hamptons trip was supposed to be a relaxing weekend full of cocktails and convos...and, for the most part, 'twas.
BUT, when it comes to me and the east end of LI, there will always be a very big BUT. So OK! magazine had Jessica Simpson on part of its cover last week. Apparently she went out with Ken Paves and got a little drunky and the photos were hilarious. She also cried.
Upon seeing this, I jokingly said "That sounds like Saturday." Now, I've on occasion had my clarvoyent moments, but really, this one could have predicted itself. Yes, I cried at the Drift. I wasn't really sad, nor were there any valid reasons for the tears but they would. not. stop. coming. out. of. my. eyes.
So when said crying started, I did what I do best, found a corner and hid until said crying epi passed over. DM (who is now DF cuz she got hitched) pulled out the best bandage ever to help me through. It was a magical elixir that made all of the wet drops go away. Oh yes, it was vodka and it was delish.
Anywho, it was the first time in a long time that I have gotten beer tears and lets hope its a while before they come back. Because when they start, my friends, they won't finish until they have left all of my dignity in a puddle on the floor.
And just a note: when you try and battle the Drift, the Drift will ALWAYS win.
Showing posts with label Hamptons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hamptons. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Hamptons - 2, Jones - 0
I am still recovering from this weekend. Thanks to DM and co. I was more drunk than I have been in quite sometimes. My hangover from Saturday is just now going away. Why did I make this second cameo out East this weekend? Two words: Beer. Olympics.
Or as the folks who made the sign like to say: Beer Olimpics.
Special Olimpics indeed.
And while I didn't really partake in too much of the days events besides the occasional round of flip cup and a the world's greatest beer soaked dance party, there were some memorable moments...that were told to me on Sunday. For example, DM's boyfriend wore a ref's jersey (in which he bore a starling resemblance to the late, great lead singer of Queen) and painted on what could be called a Hitler mustache. He is now known as Adolf Mercury. Amazing.
There were tricycles. And beer. And pinatas. Do the math. That's right, it equals awesome.
Slip 'N Slides and nudity and a moose hat all got involved somehow. This is where it gets blurry and I think I took a nap wearing nothing but a bikini. I felt that free. So free that when I did get dressed, I had my bra hanging out, wait how does Lionel say, oh yea, all night long.
Then my liver said FUCK YOU! and that's where it ends. I got nothing. So if you saw a girl running around The Drift on Saturday with her boobs hanging out like a drunk disaster, that was moi, in all of my shitfaced glory.
Until next summer, Hamptons, just you wait. I will win one of these days. I swear it.
Or as the folks who made the sign like to say: Beer Olimpics.
Special Olimpics indeed.
And while I didn't really partake in too much of the days events besides the occasional round of flip cup and a the world's greatest beer soaked dance party, there were some memorable moments...that were told to me on Sunday. For example, DM's boyfriend wore a ref's jersey (in which he bore a starling resemblance to the late, great lead singer of Queen) and painted on what could be called a Hitler mustache. He is now known as Adolf Mercury. Amazing.
There were tricycles. And beer. And pinatas. Do the math. That's right, it equals awesome.
Slip 'N Slides and nudity and a moose hat all got involved somehow. This is where it gets blurry and I think I took a nap wearing nothing but a bikini. I felt that free. So free that when I did get dressed, I had my bra hanging out, wait how does Lionel say, oh yea, all night long.
Then my liver said FUCK YOU! and that's where it ends. I got nothing. So if you saw a girl running around The Drift on Saturday with her boobs hanging out like a drunk disaster, that was moi, in all of my shitfaced glory.
Until next summer, Hamptons, just you wait. I will win one of these days. I swear it.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I forgot to mention...
Um, we also somehow managed to break into a van taxi cab and get yelled at by a fat bouncer, and then the police. Whoops. I love the Hamptons.
2nd Annual: I got rescued at The Drift and all I got were some spider bites
Ok, I know you've been waiting for this one and I apologize for the delay. Here we go:
On Friday DM and I met up to get manicures before the fabulous druken Hamptons trip began. She dragged me to this upstairs place (places upstairs always bug me out for some reason) in midtown where I proceded to get the worlds fastest mani. Literally done in 10 minutes (its still on btw). Then we took the world's longest taxi ride to hell, I mean Penn Station. We scored seats on the to Jamaica thinking "Awesome, it shouldn't be too bad to get a seat when we switch to the double decker!" WRONGO! When the train pulled up in Jamaica, it was packed. Like 5 seats were open. People were sitting on steps, standing in the aisle, it was dreadful. It reminded us both of those long train rides down the NE corridor Amtrak line in college. Les. Mis.
We finally found spots where we could sit, stand, whatever. You know those cubby hole areas where the conductor stands and pushes buttons to move the train? That's where we parked it. Onfortch, both of us where in jersey dresses, so at times we had to be etra careful that the entire bar car couldn't see our underthings. Who are we kidding, they totally did.
Drinking ensued. I got wasted and made out with a guy who like the bizarro identical twin of a guy I hooked up with a bunch of times in college. But then he started to annoy me. Then i realized that I was making out with him for only 2 reasons: 1. His wicked dance moves. 2. He told me i had a rockin' bod with his thick Boston accent (I must admit, the boobies were looking fabulous).
So it's finally time to leave and Bizarro can't find his cousin or anyone who he is supposed to be staying with. And he doesn't have a phone. I wanted to get rid of him so I wouldn't accidentally have sex, but DM shouts "JONES, GET IN THIS CAB! BRING YOUR BOYFRIEND" Crap. Did I mention that he kept calling me he wrong name? He would be like "Junes...I mean Jones." Then I would give him a mean look and walk away and then somehow the vodka would make me kiss him again. Damn you clear drinks!
So finally I get back to DM's house and then it gets blurry. I know I changed into my PJ's in the bathroom and wouldn't touch Bizarro when he got in bed with me...until he full on spooned me...ick, I hate sleep touching.
Next morning he sort of disappears which makes happy but then it's time to go to the beach Luckily I'm hungover enough to not be ashmed in my bathing suit. To this day I have never found a better hangover cure than this:
1. Bottle of Water
2. Turkey Sandwich
3. Ocean
4. Combos
Seriously, I was fresh as a daisy in no time! Queue more drinking and the Drift. Some funny moments:
1. Walking into a girl vomiting on someone's car, the owner of which hit the panic button on her.
2. Running full force into a chest bump only to be flung five feet backwards
3. Watching a group of girls dance to that same guy's car alarm...he would click it off and on...everytime it came on they would dance and when it when off they would stop...it gave no meaning to the term "Dance, Monkey Dance!"
4. Major dance party with some of the most fun people I know
Honestly, it goes down again as a fabulous weekend, one that it has taken my liver 5 days to recover from. Kudos to DM and to all....except for the spider bites...seriously, I have like 3 of them and they itch.
On Friday DM and I met up to get manicures before the fabulous druken Hamptons trip began. She dragged me to this upstairs place (places upstairs always bug me out for some reason) in midtown where I proceded to get the worlds fastest mani. Literally done in 10 minutes (its still on btw). Then we took the world's longest taxi ride to hell, I mean Penn Station. We scored seats on the to Jamaica thinking "Awesome, it shouldn't be too bad to get a seat when we switch to the double decker!" WRONGO! When the train pulled up in Jamaica, it was packed. Like 5 seats were open. People were sitting on steps, standing in the aisle, it was dreadful. It reminded us both of those long train rides down the NE corridor Amtrak line in college. Les. Mis.
We finally found spots where we could sit, stand, whatever. You know those cubby hole areas where the conductor stands and pushes buttons to move the train? That's where we parked it. Onfortch, both of us where in jersey dresses, so at times we had to be etra careful that the entire bar car couldn't see our underthings. Who are we kidding, they totally did.
Drinking ensued. I got wasted and made out with a guy who like the bizarro identical twin of a guy I hooked up with a bunch of times in college. But then he started to annoy me. Then i realized that I was making out with him for only 2 reasons: 1. His wicked dance moves. 2. He told me i had a rockin' bod with his thick Boston accent (I must admit, the boobies were looking fabulous).
So it's finally time to leave and Bizarro can't find his cousin or anyone who he is supposed to be staying with. And he doesn't have a phone. I wanted to get rid of him so I wouldn't accidentally have sex, but DM shouts "JONES, GET IN THIS CAB! BRING YOUR BOYFRIEND" Crap. Did I mention that he kept calling me he wrong name? He would be like "Junes...I mean Jones." Then I would give him a mean look and walk away and then somehow the vodka would make me kiss him again. Damn you clear drinks!
So finally I get back to DM's house and then it gets blurry. I know I changed into my PJ's in the bathroom and wouldn't touch Bizarro when he got in bed with me...until he full on spooned me...ick, I hate sleep touching.
Next morning he sort of disappears which makes happy but then it's time to go to the beach Luckily I'm hungover enough to not be ashmed in my bathing suit. To this day I have never found a better hangover cure than this:
1. Bottle of Water
2. Turkey Sandwich
3. Ocean
4. Combos
Seriously, I was fresh as a daisy in no time! Queue more drinking and the Drift. Some funny moments:
1. Walking into a girl vomiting on someone's car, the owner of which hit the panic button on her.
2. Running full force into a chest bump only to be flung five feet backwards
3. Watching a group of girls dance to that same guy's car alarm...he would click it off and on...everytime it came on they would dance and when it when off they would stop...it gave no meaning to the term "Dance, Monkey Dance!"
4. Major dance party with some of the most fun people I know
Honestly, it goes down again as a fabulous weekend, one that it has taken my liver 5 days to recover from. Kudos to DM and to all....except for the spider bites...seriously, I have like 3 of them and they itch.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Guess Who's Coming to Drinking?
Oh yes kiddies, it's that time of year again. Jonesy v. the Hamptons. Place your bets now. Here are some things to loook forward to...
This weekend is intended to be a shitshow of mass proportions. Similar to that of this girl's Awesomefest series. Some of you know about last year's magnificent trip out east. This year, I have been promised an even broader cast of characters includding Penny and pretty much everyone listed in her cast of characters. I have been told there will be drinking in mass quantities, including my introduction to the Stoli-bomb. Let's all pray I don't embarass myself while trying to pole-dance on a giant pink coulumn inside the Drift (which is actually Guide-hotspot, my hell, Neptunes during the day).
I will be venturing on the beach for the first time since last August, my pale skin begging for sun exposure. Kids, I'm so white, I glow. My sister compared my leg to my neice's (FYI-she has never seen direct sun) and the color was pretty much the same.
I am going happily, as this week has been very tough work-wise. Not only did my boss come back from his week off in order to give me tons of stuff to do, but I am also praying for a promotion to a position that opened up last week. I also have something else in the works (which will come to a close this Friday, just in time for my weekend escape) that will hopefully work out very soon!
So again, place your bets now kids, who will triumph? Will I take on the Hamtpons in pro-form without any embarassing moments that involve vomit/pee or spilling liquid of any kind? Will I avoid taking photos that make me look like I have 8 chins and 6 months prego? Or will The Hamptons beat my ass into submission, making me cry "UNCLE!" while I dance violently to quality tunes at 4 am?
I'll give you a hint. The Hamptons always wins.
This weekend is intended to be a shitshow of mass proportions. Similar to that of this girl's Awesomefest series. Some of you know about last year's magnificent trip out east. This year, I have been promised an even broader cast of characters includding Penny and pretty much everyone listed in her cast of characters. I have been told there will be drinking in mass quantities, including my introduction to the Stoli-bomb. Let's all pray I don't embarass myself while trying to pole-dance on a giant pink coulumn inside the Drift (which is actually Guide-hotspot, my hell, Neptunes during the day).
I will be venturing on the beach for the first time since last August, my pale skin begging for sun exposure. Kids, I'm so white, I glow. My sister compared my leg to my neice's (FYI-she has never seen direct sun) and the color was pretty much the same.
I am going happily, as this week has been very tough work-wise. Not only did my boss come back from his week off in order to give me tons of stuff to do, but I am also praying for a promotion to a position that opened up last week. I also have something else in the works (which will come to a close this Friday, just in time for my weekend escape) that will hopefully work out very soon!
So again, place your bets now kids, who will triumph? Will I take on the Hamtpons in pro-form without any embarassing moments that involve vomit/pee or spilling liquid of any kind? Will I avoid taking photos that make me look like I have 8 chins and 6 months prego? Or will The Hamptons beat my ass into submission, making me cry "UNCLE!" while I dance violently to quality tunes at 4 am?
I'll give you a hint. The Hamptons always wins.
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