Reason 2

Depressing? Maybe. But really do they know it's Christmas time at all? Thank you Bono, for reminding me that Christmas isn't about snow or presents or food or Santa or fun or even the birth of Jesus Christ. It's about saving the starving children in Africa.

FEEEEEEEED THE WOOOOOOOOOORRRRRLD! We all get presents and they don't. So everyone be nice and donate some funds to something charitible this year.

IT'S CHRISTMASTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that it's officially the Holiday season, I will be posting all the reasons why this is my favorite time of year (if work doesn't kill me first).

Here is one to kick things off:

The Heat Miser

For one thing, he is a red hot version of Don King. Also, whenever I hear his jam I get all excited for a series of films on ABC Family and am reminded that 24 Hours of the best movie ever is not too far off.

AC SLATER IS RUINING MY LIFE

IS STILL RUINING MY FAITH IN HUMANITY! AC SLATER LIES!

So when Mario Lopez first started Dancing With the Stars he said head had no professional dance experience. I shook off the fact that he did some wicked moves on SBTB (ballet tights anyone? Or the epi when he entered the dance contest?). But I have proof that he is a liar from this clip from Kids Incorporated (the BEST SHOW EVER)

Umm, no professional experience? Then why is he listed in the opening credits as a DANCER? Let's get Darren Lee and Andrea Paige Wilson to go on record ok? Britney, stay away from him.

Legendary!

Why I love How I Met Your Mother-the short version.

Shot Through the Heart: The Barney Stinson Story

Here are a million reasons to watch How I Met Your Mother (or at least DVR it). NPH forever!

Two Down...oh crap, "You're next!"

Yes. The wedding was gorgeous and my sister looked amazing. Like Audrey Hepburn amazing. Fun was had by all including me, although at times, I was dodging ninja stars the family was throwing at me.

Case 1:

Aunt Judgemental: So, you're next!

Me: (chuckle) Don't hold your breath!

Aunt J: Two down, you're left. Is there a special someone here with you tonight?

Me: (fake chuckle) I hear that weddings are a great place to meet guys, too bad no one clued me in that tonight, all the single ones would be my cousins.

Aunt J: Aren't there a lot of guys in the city?

Me: (contemplating explaining my latest dry hump fiasco) Well, I just haven't met the right onw yet. But you know, your son is older than me and he's still single, so I guess, really, he's next. Oh wait, and there is our other cousin who's like over 50 and not married and etc, etc.

Aunt J: Well, make sure you keep your eyes open....

Me: Oh, I think they just called me to the danceflooooooooooooooooooo (trailed off as I ran)


Case 2:

Family Friend: You're next! Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope. Really busy with work and stuff (code for I don't but I still hook up with people and you will never know about it) there's no time!

Family Friend: Well don't wait too long!

Me: (contemplating telling her that I eloped last week and that the DJ is my husband and I just didn't want to steal my sister's thunder) Oh I won't!!! Oh look, I think that's a waiter bringing dinnnnnnnnnneer (again running)

Case 3:

My mom: "You're Next Jonesy!"

Me: Umm, Mom, she hasn't even thrown the bouquet yet.

Mom: "I know! When we get to you're wedding we'll know exactly what to do!

Me: Ma, seriously, no more wedding talk.

Mom: Yes, you can't get married until 2010 anyway because your sister's weddings were so close together! And you better hope that Capital 1's stock does well so you can have a great wedding, pray I don't lose money in the market.

Me: (not even standing there anymore, hiding with large bottle on Pinot.)

Seriously.

Happy WeddingDay Eve!

Sorry I've been absent....

Sister #2 is getting married tomorrow. Maid of Honor duties have called me away but trust me I have many a funny things to report. Like the team of women who ransacked a bag full of panty hose on the subway that someone had left behind (and then exclaimed to me "Don't be frightened, that's just what we black folk do!" Another one of the women responded with "Aw Shit, look at her, She's sitting there thinking 'Damn, I wish I had taken a pair too.")

So While I do need plenty of rest tonight, not only for the wedding, but for the endless gauntlet of aunts and cousins excaliming to me "You're next!" and then asking questions about my love life (I'm the one who went to journalism school, right?). God, I already need a vodka soda.

But in my absence, I will leave you with this. Dry Humping. Back in style ('cause I received no memo)? Or still reserved for 9th graders? Discuss.

If I could I would banish this act. Not enjoyable.

Congrats!

Shoutout time....Congrats to London for finishing the NY marathon last weekend. Really, she ran a marathon. Her running skills and determination have proven 1. that she rocks and 2. that I am a lazy bastard.

Think about it, it's Friday and I'm just posting this now. I've beena t work for 1.5 hours and I haven't gotten up from my chair yet. I haven't seen my gym (or my dear friend Laverne since April. I haven't fixed my broken bed yet (which trusts me, really sucks, I think I may have a concussion...but that's another story). But, this post isn't about me....


So here's to you London, your gigiantic ponytail, your philanthropic fundraising and your marathoning ways!!!!!

I'm even to lazy to take a picture on time....

This Week In Coming Outtances....

Okay, so I totally knew about this one BUT...oh NPH, you were so my favorite part of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Now it all seems like a facade...

"Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers."

He lied. Unless he was referring to Hunkamania.

http://www.gay.com/news/article.html?2006/11/05/3

Too bad he didn't fill in his publicist:

http://www.towleroad.com/2006/11/neil_patrick_ha.html

"I made some love stains in the back. You'll see... "

I always knew about this one though. I wonder what tipped me off:

Was it the strange relatonship with Vinnie DelPino?


His penchant for theater?


His appearence on Will & Grace?


Was it this photo?



Of course not. None of those things meant he was necessarily gay. A reliable source told me like 3 years ago. And I had to let my crush on NPH go...........

The gays can have you NPH... but I will keep you as Doogie in my heat forevs. Oh yea, and I will still watch How I Met Your Mother in hysterics.

Flavor of Jones

Since it seems that the news is now completely dominated by celebrity goss, I am trying something new. Inspired by FLAVOR FLAV! I have decided to bust out a few names of my own for some famous people, so we don't have to go to the trouble of remembering (or for that matter even learning) their real names until we are sure we actually give a shit about them.

1.

From know on, thou shalt be known as Senator Tailcoatz.

2.

Why do I get the feeling these guys will be visiting your local trailer park sometime soon. It's Lyfe Ruiner and Pathetick.

3.

How you doin Plasstick? Tell ya sister Jeenyis I said hey.

4.

Look, it's everyone's favorite fake couple! Know to be known as Beerd and Clozited.

5.

Hide your diet pills and get your barf bags ready for Skynnie and Starvz.

6.

Say hello to my new friend Drugz.

7.

His name may not be on the back of his jersey, but you can call him Wayste of Doh.

8.

He sang about him and dressed like him so I now dub him: Jeezus.

9.

Oh look, it's everyone's favorite child star, Cleeshay.

10.

This one is obvious. Meet Siphiliss.

What becomes of the broken heeeeeeaaaarrrrrrrrrrted?

A day of heartbreak.


1. The Mets-we won't even go there. I still love them dearly but let's not. even. go.




2. Haley Joel Osment sees drunk people now.



3. I still have my plague on MySister'sBacheloretteParty Eve.




4. T.R. Knight (aka George O'Mally, my McDreamy) cleaned out his closet and found his McGay. Women like me all over the world die a little inside. I should have seen it coming.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The verdict: Guilty of heartbreak in the first degree. I hope some nice guy makes a McDreamy out him.

Happy Birthday to me!

As some of you know, I turned 25 this past Monday. And karma decided a suitable gift would be strep throat, a wicked headache and an awful fever. So sorry for the lack of wit and recap of my party. Let's just say that I am paying for my sins of the weekend...

Who would I give a Volvo to? Apparently unhappily married couples with wackjob kids.

Ok, I love kids. They are cute and cuddly and say the darndest things. But if I see this little girl on TV one more time I may just have to swallow some bleach.

Let's analyze:

1. So it looks like she's being picked up a little late by Daddy. Or maybe it's a little early. Because she puked or pooped herself. And they already used her extra set of clothes that they make everyone bring in the first day of kindergarten so teacher dressed her in the rejects from the 3rd grade production of "Annie."

2. WTF is she saying? "...they're really good and they lived in the house that he likes the most but one day they wanted to change the color of him..." Umm, that sounds racist. Looks like teacher was reading "Song of the South" that day. Let's continue...

"Just a pretend stick but it really thin and it has legs and I don't know what it is..." Yea. I do. It's called a switch. Or a whip. Like the one they used to hurt Jesus like you saw in "Passion of The Christ" yesterday in your crazy teacher's class. And if you don't make this floor shine like the top of teh Chrysler building...I digress.

"And there's worms and some bugs." Yes. That's what you see when you die.

"Mom talked about it. But his head is so tiny..." Yes Daddy, mom told me your head is so tiny. But not the one on top of your neck...

This guys looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Stephen King

3. Maybe racist teacher told this little girl that if she was creative and told Daddy stories, that maybe just maybe, he won't leave, or hit her anymore, or make her wear the Amishiest clothes I have ever seen. Maybe. I wonder what he's thinking.

"It's so easy. I just pull the car in the garage, let her out and shut all the windows. Then I'll be able to go to sleep. Forever."

OR

"Damn bitch. She said adopting would make us feel like Angelina and Brad or Madonna and Guy."

OR

He's has a commercial stuck in head all day long and can't get it out so he's gonna gop home and take it out on his blog.

Total Request ew

Hi, my name is Jonesy from New York, NY and I want to give a shout out to my girlies that live on the Upper East. And at number one today is my request for Carson Daly to go eat a sandwich today..WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!

I know, I know

I've been a bad Jonesy. I've been a little crazed so I haven't had to much time to post, but here's a little weekend love for you all. In case you missed K-Fed on CSI last night...



Unfortunately, they don't have his full performance on YouTube in which he quotes the line:

"This little piggy cried wee, wee, wee all the way home."

You can't make TV gold like that up. If anyone finds it let me know!


In other news, My birthday party is this weekend, so I'm sure I will have fun tales of debauchery from this Saturday night, when I slowly drink my youth away!

I heart this soooo much!

An Open Letter to the New York Mets

Dear New York Mets (most importantly Willie, Carlos, David, Carlos2, Jose, Paul, Jose2, Endy, Tom, Steve, Orlando, Chris, and Julio):

Hi guys. Just wanted to let you know that I am a huge fan of yours. Like really huge. Not meaning that I'm fat, I just really like you guys A LOT.

It all started back in 1986. I was 5. David, you were just 3 or 4. My Dad wanted to spend more time with his daughters and since that other New York team (which he is a fan of) wasn't doing so well, he decided to take us to see baseball played at its best. I don't remember too much about Shea Stadium back then. But I remember liking the hotdogs and the name Dykstra (I still heart you Lenny). I remember the song of that year (We got the team work, to make the dream work, Let's Go! Let's go Mets!) I was too young to remember Game 6 (I bet Bill Bucker still has someone kick him in the balls every night for his mistake) of that World Series, and the Game 7 win.

This:

led to This!!!!:

As I grew up we grew apart for awhile. I didn't come to your house for many years because, well, you were in Queens, I didn't have a car, and I liked cheerleading more than baseball. I didn't sell out like some others, I just kind of forgot about you and you well, forgot how to play baseball. Let's face it, you really sucked. But deep down I still loved you and supported you.

Flashforward to me as a teen. I found you again. You got your shit together. I supported our dear friend Mike with open arms. I clapped for Rey Ordonez even though I knew that most of the time, he was going to strike out. And then you came through. In 2000, you shocked us with your Wild Card win. And then actually playing like magic to make it to the World Series. That was great! Deep down, I knew you wouldn't win but I was overjoyed! You didn't suck! No one could make fun of us! Actually, the obnoxious fans of that other New York team could but they are obnoxious and mostly ugly and probably play on dodgeball teams called The Hotness.

But then what happened? Half of you left leaving Mike to carry a torch with a fat first baseman and a team that he couldn't commuincate with because no one spoke English. It felt like the early 90's all over again. But I stayed. And I cheered. I gave you everything. I even accepted Mike's blond facial hair. Give me some credit here.

Much like Jason Giambi's weirdo 'stache, in the days of yore, Piazza rocked some odd hair.

Flash to 2005. A shining ray of hope in the form of a very very very HOT third baseman named David. He came to us. And it was good.

The tongue thing just does it for me.

I understand why Mike had to go. He was getting a little old and lets face it, no team can have that much hotness at one time. You said next year is now. And while the division was tough last year and you were all so close, next year ended up not being now.

This year you told me it was the team and the time. And I believe you. I bought tons of tickets. I even travelled to that other New York team's house to play with you. I have spent more than I can afford of $6-7 beers and $4 hotdogs (which, by the way, you should have never have gotten rid of Kahn's, they were so much better). I have invested my time in you. And it's paid off. You've been working hard. You want to do well.

So I have one small favor to ask. Please don't ef this up. Even the Red Sox fans are counting on you. You scared me last week with your nonsensical losses. So play well, be strong, and I'll see you Thursday. I'll be the one screaming in the blue and orange.


Sincerely,

Ms. Jones
(David's future wife)

P.S. Really, though, just do your best. Let's go Mets!

Example:

Please refer to around 4:05 of this clip to see what I mean:

We need Patches O'Houlihan

Dodgeball Game #1 Recap:

Last night marked game 1 of my dodgeball season this fall. I joined the team to be social ("demented and sad but sort of social") and to have fun with my friends. Apparently the teams we drew in the first round were in it for different reasons. Scary reasons.

Let me describe:

Team 1:

Name: The Hotness

Uniform: They brought their own tie-died t-shirts with nicknames on the back that included but are not limited to: The Rock, Johnny Boy, Clutch and "The Shocker" (he literally had the phrase "one in the stink" printed on his back.) Oh yea, and The Rock wore wrestling shoes and a headband.

Description: This collection of B&T guidos on came to kick ass and get rid of their roid rage while their skinny minnie girlfriends hung in the back. They not only aimed for girls more than boys, they aimed for girls in the head. One of them literally yelled "PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG JOHNNY" as if our "friendly" game was equivalent to the final battle in The Karate Kid.

Ralph Macchio I am not. Damn you Kobra Kai.

Team 2:

Name: ZS4 (ZS=Zog Sports, the peole that created the league)

Uniform: Purple zog sports t-shirt

Description: A collection of obvious dorks who didn't have enough friends to form a team of their own. One scary player, which someone dubbed the Tsunami, would wail the ball at girls with no shame. He would hide in the corner and just peg people. Then there was scary red head who I think misplaced her crazy pills before she showed up. The two combined looked like this:

Team 3: Us

Uniform: Sage Green T-shirts (could we get a weaker color?)

Description: A collection of former athletes who in the past 7 years have well, let's just say we aren't really "athletes" any more (with the exception of one or two).

We need to work out like these kids.

So yea, when only 8 of our 12 showed up I realized I would have to play. Play against the scary guidos. My strategy was to hide in a corner (which I got yelled at for). That didn't work.

So then I actively tried to throw caution to the wind, disregard everything I have ever known to be true and try to get some of these people out. And again, I proved to myself that I throw like a 4 year-old. No aim, no rhyme or reason and ever so softly. Every time I th
rew, I was out.

My teammates stayed strong, and one back injusry and 8 sore bodies later, we ended the night 1-2-1, not too bad considering we faced a Rock and a Tsunami.

We play again on 10/11 (we have a week off). Hoepfully, I won't have sit an entire day with a heating pad on my back after that one. And worse comes to worse, we will no doubt get the best drinking team award. Nothing helps a bad back like a big glass of cider.

Saved By The Bell: Still Ruining my Life

Read this from The Daily News Rush and Molloy Column:

"He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."....

The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell." Ewwwww."

I just hope Tori Spelling doesn't make an special guest star appearence as Violet Bickerstaff.