Correction: Sorry Keith!

Keith Hernandez is a spokesman for Just for Men hair dye, not the Hair Club for Men. I stand corrected and may I say Keith, your 'stache is as sexy as ever.

Coughie and Pedicure

This past Friday I took a much needed half day off from work. Sometimes I find these more productive than full days because 1. I stay sober the night before because I still have to go to work and 2. I'm not left to my own devices and sleeping half the day away.

As soon as I left work I decided it was time for two of my favorite things: Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee and pedicures. I got my medium French Vanille Iced Coffee with skim milk and two Equal and headed over the my fave nail salon for a quick yet MUCH MUCH needed pedi (flip-flops + NYC streets = black heels). As soon as I walked in I was a little miffed because I had to wait (all four pedi stations were full) . There's only one waiting bench to sit on. It fits about three people. Smack in the middle was a little girl, probably about three or four. I had no choice than to sit right next to her. I was sitting of all of 30 seconds when I heard the deepest, chestiest, throatiest cough. It was coming from the little crumbsnatcher (Fiture Mrs. Krabbypatty's word-excellent, no?) next to me. She didn't cover her mouth.

The cough was quickly followed by a sneeze. Then another and another. I got squirmy. In my head, I was thinking "EFF! I can't get sick. It's Friday, it's been a shit week and all I want to do is drink my face off." Then I felt it. The burning sensation that someone was looking at me. It was little ol' Coughie. I don't think that child blinks.

Immediatley I get to texting everyonw whow ould understand that this evil midget was not only infecting me with her child disease, but also staring at me like I had Dora the Explorer shaved into my head.

I couldn't reiterate enough how bad the kid was staring (Have I mentioned that staring is one of my pet peeves?) and also, bad parents who take their sick kids toa ccrowded nail place instead in keeping them in bed with some Triaminic. So I took a pic with my camera phone. It didn't come out to late so I switched to video. The kid is full on staring, she even looks away and comes back. And no, she didn't know I was filming her because I had the phone up to my ear and started saying "MmmHmm" like I was in a convo (yes, I know I'm nutto).

Since I couldn't load the video, here is the budget photo I took. All you need to see is the evil eyes.

I swear I like kids though. Just not this one.

Playa HAAAAAYYYYTAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Remeber that Biggie Song Playa Hata or whatever? I like that song.

Anywho, I've been busy with stuff (So You Think You Can Dance) lately and really lazy. But i have some ideas for some classic Jonesy posts.

This is redic. Apparently they feel the need to advertise head products for bald men in all me the ladies bathrooms at shea stadium. What about keith hernandez and the hair club for men?

This is what i have been staring at all week. Need drink now.

Oh well....

Let me pre-empt this whole story by saying it's summer and there is nothing on TV.

So I just finished watching the movie "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. People have been telling me I should watch it since it's like my family blah, blah blah (I could only wish to be as cute as Mandy Moore).

Lo and behold, out of the darkness. A full fledged undiscovered hottie. Yea, Tom Everett Scott's in the movie but he plays kind of a dick, but this guy, super cute...

Hotness right?

I got so psyched! New movie actor crush! As soon as the movie was over, I ran to my trusty laptop to IMDB his hot little ass.

This is how it went down in my head....

OH! His name is Gabriel!! I LOVE THAT NAME!!!! Ok, born in 1972, so he's 35, still in my age range...Wow, he's been acting since he was 8, that's a long time, he's gotta be doing well for himself....Born in the BRONX! YAY! He's a New York boy!!! Oh, Spouse, Jacinda Barett...that girl from the real world London, she's really pretty, I met her once, she asked me where the bathroom was when I worked at Kate's Paperie...Well, she was stunningly gorgeous so he has good taste! Still Crush worthy! Oh, and they are having a baby! Good for them.

"He is a huge New York Yankee fan."

Oh screw that.


Fin.

Why I Love NY1 Commercials: Part 2

You're welcome. This will now be stuck in your head for the next 20 years. I sing it at work. All the time. I would rather have the song "Glamorous" (we get it Fergie, you can spell) playing ona look from now until eternity instead of EVER hearing this again.

Why I Love NY1 Commercials:Part 1

This is one of my favorite commercials ever. 1. These weddings look like the tackiest events ever (go to the website where they discuss their Versailles-like oppulance). And wait for the 20 second mark.

2. "WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!" Why is she screaming? And why does it come out of nowhere? And what's with her raising her arm like Ava Perone?

I love low-budget local news channels and those who sponser them.

I wonder if he ever...

Former mayor of New York, Ed Koch, enjoying Knocked Up, Friday night at Loew's in the East Village. He is very old looking.

Guess who just learned to

Guess who just learned to blog from her cell phone! This is going to be interesting!

Obligatory Fleet Week Post

Since the inception of this blog (2 years ago), I have made an effort to communicate to you, my loyal readers (all 5 of you), all of the fun-goings on in New York City (all of the things that involve me, booze, television and being poor).

Every year, I have been outspoken in my support of Fleet Week (AKA Hot Sailor Weekend). Well, I have officially changed my mind (I'm a flip-flopper). This year, I will not be spending Memorial Day Weekend in Manhattan (which is dead this weekend anyway) but rather, in an interesting twist, will be trekking (taking the Metro-North 30 minites) to my home town in Westchester for several celebrations (drunk-fests).

Why? You may ask, have I had such a change of heart (coal)? This year, I have noticed that while I am maturing (getting older) the sailors are seemingly less mature (seriously, they look 12 years old) and are not necessarily what I find attractive (FUGLY!).

So dear, readers (reader), there will be no posts about canooodling (Making out) with any of our US Naval Officers (unless somehow I eat a naval orange or randomly meet Phil Stacey) this weekend. In short, no delectable details from my Fleet Week celebration will be posted herewith (In short, I think I'm getting to old to hit on vulnerable 19-year-olds who are wearing white pants).

You may be saying, "Jonesy, you've explained what we (I) won't get. We (I) want to know what we WILL get." Dear friends (friend), you will most likely hear wonderful tales (foggy recollections) of a girl experiencing the verge of summer with some of her nearest (I'm only saying this because you are the ones who read this) and most dear friends and frolicking (eating and drinking) through the countryside (the yard at Spanish's parent's house).

So I bid you adieu for the long weekend (mini-vacay!) and in the words of that sage (hobag) Britney Spears, Godspeed (peace out mofos).

Rating the Finales Part 4: The Mind Blowers

Heroes - C- - What the hell? All that build up for something that was easily guessable? The writers and producers had the opportunity to create an all out Battle Royale with Sylar, having Peter make Nikki invisible and Parkman reading his mind and Hiro knocking is block off with that sword, giving a sense of finality to season 1 and a good segue into season 2 (Molly knows of an even worse baddie!). But no, poor Peter almost got his ass handed to him and Nathan had to bail him out once again. Ugh. A let down in the first degree.


Lost - A+++++++++++ - WHAT A SURPRISE! The show I have bitched about all year really came through!!! I had heard buzz that this was THE finale to watch but I never in a million years predicted the flash forward, Walt's cameo, Charlie kicking it (THEY PROMISED THEY WOULDN'T!), and Jack's future addictions. And may I mention that E. Lily looked really pretty in the future. I guess she got a good post-island scrubbing. Oh, and the "I love you." Yowsa! Of course they have opened a whole new can of worms in true Lost form, but, this time, the whole landscape of the show has changed. Oh, and that great Sawyer moment, "That's for taking the kid off the raft," was a great throw back to Season 1's finale (who can forget Walt's screams "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!) Well played, JJ Abrams. Well played, indeed.

Rating the Finales Part 3: Reality Redux

Dancing With the Farts - C - Joey didn't win.

American Idol - C+ - Only for the fact that Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood both performed. Would have been an F because Doodle didn't win. And WTF was that Sanjaya solo performance?

I will not dignify reality TV with a longer post.

Rating the Finales Part 2: The Dramedies

Ok kiddos, I've been watching more TV than humanly natural these days and here's what we got sicne I'm tired and cranky. Spoilers afoot, beware.

Ugly Betty - B+ - Twists, turns and braces, OH MY! Loved that Amanda is really Fay Summer's daughter. Loved that Charlie might be knocked up with Dr. Farkus's kid (which YAY! Does that mean Jesse Tyler Ferguson will make a return! BUT, really, the Prison Break scene with Angela I mean Claire Meade? I was waiting for Mona and Tony to come undo her chains, a little silly but hey, makes for agood cliff hanger. Mark as Flavia Fabia or whoevers assistant, AWESOME! "She makes me smoke." It doesn't get much more funny than that. Alexis/Daniel, I don't really care too much about them to bein with so if one goes...I don't really care. gWould have been an A- but, really, did they have to shoot Santos????? And reading all of the above just goes to show how fabulously redonkulous this show is...

Brothers & Sisters - B - SOL IS GAY!!!! WOW! I for one, did not see that coming at all. This episode was fine, Justin's back in Iraq, Kitty's engaged, Sarah's a mess, Tommy is sad, Kevin is still slutty (with a Sentor's minister brother no less). Seems like not much has changed in the Walker family since William died in the pool during the pilot. Oh wait, and Rebecca's a homewrecking whore like her mom...thank God Rob Lowe is there to look pretty.

And finally...the one people have been waiting for....(only filed as a dramedy since the other dramas I watch are more Sci-fi-ish)

Grey's Anatomy - F- - Never have I been less satisfied with a season finale. Every plot point was stupid and in all honesty, even since the George Izzie cheating thing started all of the Seattle Grace interns/residents/surgeons have been on my last nerve. They should have saved teh ferry crash for the finale. George failed? Really? Burke booked? What? McDreamy made some quietly passionate speech to Meredith? Ok, that's not new. Meredith seemed cold? Who cares? Addison is jumping ship at the right time because this finale proved, my beloved show is on its way down. McDreamy and Meredith breaking up sounds like one giant shark jump to me.

Ok kids, I've watched Heroes and Have VERY strong opinions, but stay tuned. After Wednesday, I will post Part 3: The Sci-Fi Favorites

Rating the Finales Part 1: The Comedies

Ok, so in an effort to make my blog a little more exciting, I will be rating some season finales for you folks so you DVR and TiVo Junkies can decide what to get excited to watch and what you can be thoroughly dissapointed with. But if you are one of those folks who like sto be surprised stop reading now.

How I Met Your Mother - Grade B+ - It's hard to give any TV show that isn't an hour long more than a B but HIMYM was fantastic. Kudos to Ted for finally seeing the light and sending Robin Sparkles to the curb. Lily getting drunk at her own wedding - awesome. And Barney closing it out with a little "Legend-wait for it...." And props to CBS for giving us a third season so we can hear the "Dary!" part of that.

The Office - A- - Jan's breakdown was fantastic. Jim and Pam have a date!!!! HUGE! Ryan getting the job at corporate, HILARIOUS! But what people, no kiss?????? A kiss would have made the minus, a plus.

Stay tuned for my updates on Grey's, Lost, Heroes and in a couple weeks, One Tree Hill. But don't expect any Idol tidbits from me. As much as I hate this season, the fact that Doolittle got the boot before Blake really grinds my gears.

This does no justice.

And these sick fucks sat in the front row.

Head back, HEAD BACK!

The field trip to Six Flags was awesome. I love roller coasters, I love the thrill of being forced into the air at God knows what speed. But the Kingda Ka? You've got to be effing kidding me.

Mind you I wasn't told until after that it's the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster. You can see this thing from anywhere in the park. The Scream Machine? Child's play.

KrabbyPatty, DM and Homer (Spanish's husband, named so after his favorite cartoon character) and I waited on line. For all of 10 minutes (apparently I picked the best day ever to go to Six Flags, there was no one there). Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life. All I could hear was screams and all I could see were tears in the eyes of some tween in front of me. I bit a huge chunk of my nail off.

It went down like this:

Homer: "Holy crap did you see that?"

Me: "I'm just not looking. I'm just going to get on."

Homer: "No, look! They shoot you out so fast!"

Me: "Just don't talk to me."

I could only envy Future Mrs. KP and Spanish as they were the only two with enough brains to remain safely on the ground. They would later report that they saw some dude boot all over the ground as he ran full spped away from the coaster for his life.

As the car ahead of us with the tween pulled up (which signaled it was our turn to get in) I stared at her. She looked like someone just took her puppy away while they were simultaneously murdering all of the members on 'NSYNC.

I got in the car, pulled the safety thing over my head and buckled myself in for dear life. When the teenagers who worked on the ride came to check my safety, I said a silent prayer. I mean seriously, have you seen how old the kids are who work at Six Flags? The kid who served me my burger at Johnny Rockets was 14, tops. I should send the NJ department of labor in there, the park would be shut down for days.

Anyway, I made it. I said I would do it and I did. It went this fast, clouds, parking lot, ground and it was over. Maybe the wind and fear for my life and intense neck and back pain (they tell you to keep your head back...I couldn't. The thing shoots you out at 128 mph) were what caused the tears at the end, but I did it, and yes, I deserve an effing big cookie.

You're eating hair!

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the posts but I've been unmotivated and busy watching all of tv build up to it's finale. So chuckle on this until I come back!

Please excuse me

I didn't re-read that last post until now. Please excuse all typos and blame them on the v. strong margaritas I consumed. Thank you.

I promise more to come soonish on the Six Flags trip and Jones v. Kingda Ka.

FIELD TRIP!

Tomorrow morning, Spansih and hubby, The future Mr and Mrs Krabbypatty, DM and I are heading to Six Flags Great Adventure Theme Park and Safari in nearby Vernon, NJ. Not really nearby, but everyne needs a field trip every so often.

The fact that DM and I are waking up pre 8 AM is huge and Spanish's husband continues to refer to the Kingda Ka roller coaster as the Kingda Kock...and yes, I'm riding it...he likes to laugh at that.

I'm sure hilarity and mishaps will ensue. Stay tuned kids...I had margaritas pre-roller coaster, this could be ugly.


P.S. Yes I'm the tard who scheduled this outing the day after Cinco Day Mayo/Derby/Huge Pay Per View Fight...I suck.