My Gift To You

If you don't think this is hysterical you suck.

7 DAYS!

I am still loving Christmas....

and yes I own this bobblehead.

OH BABY!

My sister may be popping out my little niece any day now so stay tuned....in the meantime, here is a picture of a baby that is of no relation to me.

I don't want a lot for Christmas...

My realistic Christmas list:

1. Dawson's Creek DVD's
2. New Digital Camera
3. New Clothes
4. Some fancy bath products
5. Gift Certificates
6. A new winter coat
7. My bed to finally get fixed

My unrealistic Christmas List:

1. My very own Lloyd Dobler
2. All of the NYC tourists to leave midtown
3. Bono to write a song about me
4. Bigger boobs
5. John Krasinski, Topher Grace, Zach Braff and Wentworth Miller to all propose to me at the same time. And for polygamy to be legal
6. A book deal
7. A new big girl bed

What I absolutely don't want for Christmas

1. The clap
2. To see Clay Aiken in person
3. To make out with an ugly man
4. Any more colds
5. Anything having to do with Britney Spears cooter
6. TomKat to breed anymore fake robot babies
7. Another broken bed

Sick Sucks

I've caught the plague for the third time this fall/winter. So while I would normally be out galavanting holiday style and rocking some red and green I have been reduced to something that resembles the PUS's (Poor Unfortunate Souls) in The Little Mermaid. This leaves one to wonder, why the ef do I keep getting sick? Let's evaluate my lifestyle:

1. Does weekend boozing cause illness? My answer is no. I figure that extreme amounts of vodka kill all of the bacteria/reduce infection/make me feel invicible. In no way does it leave me vulnerable to diseases (well the common cold anyway, two shots of whiskey and some poor judgement could create a whole other outcome).


2. Cigarettes? Since my illnesses have been strep throat and runny nose and only limited amount of coughing I'm gonna go with a no. But Jonesy, doesn't the FDA say that smoking causes cancer and other illnesses. I say, maybe, but they aren't causing what I have. Lighting a piece of paper mixed with dried leaves and rat poison effects me in no way. I swear. Fine, my fingers were crossed, but I really don't smoke that much anymore. Promise. Damn, caught me again! Ok, I smoke a few during the week but on the weekends it becomes a bigger habit, because you know, the booze makes me forget,

3. Boys? Ok, it's been a slow few months. With the exception of some early November cougaring. So no.

4. Being a cougar? Yes, because younger boys are less hygenic and are more prown to other hussie's cold germs. But since that was in early November I see no correlation to my sickness now.

5. Work? Offically the culprit. I spend more time with hacking, couching runny-nosed coworkers then I care to and germs spread like Britney's legs when she isn't wearing drawers. The more time I spend there the more ill I get. This blows.

O' Christmas Rules!

Only a kick ass holiday would have a drink called nog. Actually, I hate eggnog. It smells nast and I can only come to the conclusion that drinking large volume of it will make you vomit. And the color makes it look like something spoiled. Regardless of all of its obvious nastitites, it is still a popular holiday beverage. Why? Because Christmas is like the biggest kid in class. It tells all of the other holidays what to do. And if Christmas says eggnog is still part of his click than so be it. Vomit and all.

Reason 2

Depressing? Maybe. But really do they know it's Christmas time at all? Thank you Bono, for reminding me that Christmas isn't about snow or presents or food or Santa or fun or even the birth of Jesus Christ. It's about saving the starving children in Africa.

FEEEEEEEED THE WOOOOOOOOOORRRRRLD! We all get presents and they don't. So everyone be nice and donate some funds to something charitible this year.

IT'S CHRISTMASTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that it's officially the Holiday season, I will be posting all the reasons why this is my favorite time of year (if work doesn't kill me first).

Here is one to kick things off:

The Heat Miser

For one thing, he is a red hot version of Don King. Also, whenever I hear his jam I get all excited for a series of films on ABC Family and am reminded that 24 Hours of the best movie ever is not too far off.

AC SLATER IS RUINING MY LIFE

IS STILL RUINING MY FAITH IN HUMANITY! AC SLATER LIES!

So when Mario Lopez first started Dancing With the Stars he said head had no professional dance experience. I shook off the fact that he did some wicked moves on SBTB (ballet tights anyone? Or the epi when he entered the dance contest?). But I have proof that he is a liar from this clip from Kids Incorporated (the BEST SHOW EVER)

Umm, no professional experience? Then why is he listed in the opening credits as a DANCER? Let's get Darren Lee and Andrea Paige Wilson to go on record ok? Britney, stay away from him.

Legendary!

Why I love How I Met Your Mother-the short version.

Shot Through the Heart: The Barney Stinson Story

Here are a million reasons to watch How I Met Your Mother (or at least DVR it). NPH forever!

Two Down...oh crap, "You're next!"

Yes. The wedding was gorgeous and my sister looked amazing. Like Audrey Hepburn amazing. Fun was had by all including me, although at times, I was dodging ninja stars the family was throwing at me.

Case 1:

Aunt Judgemental: So, you're next!

Me: (chuckle) Don't hold your breath!

Aunt J: Two down, you're left. Is there a special someone here with you tonight?

Me: (fake chuckle) I hear that weddings are a great place to meet guys, too bad no one clued me in that tonight, all the single ones would be my cousins.

Aunt J: Aren't there a lot of guys in the city?

Me: (contemplating explaining my latest dry hump fiasco) Well, I just haven't met the right onw yet. But you know, your son is older than me and he's still single, so I guess, really, he's next. Oh wait, and there is our other cousin who's like over 50 and not married and etc, etc.

Aunt J: Well, make sure you keep your eyes open....

Me: Oh, I think they just called me to the danceflooooooooooooooooooo (trailed off as I ran)


Case 2:

Family Friend: You're next! Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope. Really busy with work and stuff (code for I don't but I still hook up with people and you will never know about it) there's no time!

Family Friend: Well don't wait too long!

Me: (contemplating telling her that I eloped last week and that the DJ is my husband and I just didn't want to steal my sister's thunder) Oh I won't!!! Oh look, I think that's a waiter bringing dinnnnnnnnnneer (again running)

Case 3:

My mom: "You're Next Jonesy!"

Me: Umm, Mom, she hasn't even thrown the bouquet yet.

Mom: "I know! When we get to you're wedding we'll know exactly what to do!

Me: Ma, seriously, no more wedding talk.

Mom: Yes, you can't get married until 2010 anyway because your sister's weddings were so close together! And you better hope that Capital 1's stock does well so you can have a great wedding, pray I don't lose money in the market.

Me: (not even standing there anymore, hiding with large bottle on Pinot.)

Seriously.

Happy WeddingDay Eve!

Sorry I've been absent....

Sister #2 is getting married tomorrow. Maid of Honor duties have called me away but trust me I have many a funny things to report. Like the team of women who ransacked a bag full of panty hose on the subway that someone had left behind (and then exclaimed to me "Don't be frightened, that's just what we black folk do!" Another one of the women responded with "Aw Shit, look at her, She's sitting there thinking 'Damn, I wish I had taken a pair too.")

So While I do need plenty of rest tonight, not only for the wedding, but for the endless gauntlet of aunts and cousins excaliming to me "You're next!" and then asking questions about my love life (I'm the one who went to journalism school, right?). God, I already need a vodka soda.

But in my absence, I will leave you with this. Dry Humping. Back in style ('cause I received no memo)? Or still reserved for 9th graders? Discuss.

If I could I would banish this act. Not enjoyable.

Congrats!

Shoutout time....Congrats to London for finishing the NY marathon last weekend. Really, she ran a marathon. Her running skills and determination have proven 1. that she rocks and 2. that I am a lazy bastard.

Think about it, it's Friday and I'm just posting this now. I've beena t work for 1.5 hours and I haven't gotten up from my chair yet. I haven't seen my gym (or my dear friend Laverne since April. I haven't fixed my broken bed yet (which trusts me, really sucks, I think I may have a concussion...but that's another story). But, this post isn't about me....


So here's to you London, your gigiantic ponytail, your philanthropic fundraising and your marathoning ways!!!!!

I'm even to lazy to take a picture on time....

This Week In Coming Outtances....

Okay, so I totally knew about this one BUT...oh NPH, you were so my favorite part of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Now it all seems like a facade...

"Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers."

He lied. Unless he was referring to Hunkamania.

http://www.gay.com/news/article.html?2006/11/05/3

Too bad he didn't fill in his publicist:

http://www.towleroad.com/2006/11/neil_patrick_ha.html

"I made some love stains in the back. You'll see... "

I always knew about this one though. I wonder what tipped me off:

Was it the strange relatonship with Vinnie DelPino?


His penchant for theater?


His appearence on Will & Grace?


Was it this photo?



Of course not. None of those things meant he was necessarily gay. A reliable source told me like 3 years ago. And I had to let my crush on NPH go...........

The gays can have you NPH... but I will keep you as Doogie in my heat forevs. Oh yea, and I will still watch How I Met Your Mother in hysterics.

Flavor of Jones

Since it seems that the news is now completely dominated by celebrity goss, I am trying something new. Inspired by FLAVOR FLAV! I have decided to bust out a few names of my own for some famous people, so we don't have to go to the trouble of remembering (or for that matter even learning) their real names until we are sure we actually give a shit about them.

1.

From know on, thou shalt be known as Senator Tailcoatz.

2.

Why do I get the feeling these guys will be visiting your local trailer park sometime soon. It's Lyfe Ruiner and Pathetick.

3.

How you doin Plasstick? Tell ya sister Jeenyis I said hey.

4.

Look, it's everyone's favorite fake couple! Know to be known as Beerd and Clozited.

5.

Hide your diet pills and get your barf bags ready for Skynnie and Starvz.

6.

Say hello to my new friend Drugz.

7.

His name may not be on the back of his jersey, but you can call him Wayste of Doh.

8.

He sang about him and dressed like him so I now dub him: Jeezus.

9.

Oh look, it's everyone's favorite child star, Cleeshay.

10.

This one is obvious. Meet Siphiliss.

What becomes of the broken heeeeeeaaaarrrrrrrrrrted?

A day of heartbreak.


1. The Mets-we won't even go there. I still love them dearly but let's not. even. go.




2. Haley Joel Osment sees drunk people now.



3. I still have my plague on MySister'sBacheloretteParty Eve.




4. T.R. Knight (aka George O'Mally, my McDreamy) cleaned out his closet and found his McGay. Women like me all over the world die a little inside. I should have seen it coming.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The verdict: Guilty of heartbreak in the first degree. I hope some nice guy makes a McDreamy out him.

Happy Birthday to me!

As some of you know, I turned 25 this past Monday. And karma decided a suitable gift would be strep throat, a wicked headache and an awful fever. So sorry for the lack of wit and recap of my party. Let's just say that I am paying for my sins of the weekend...

Who would I give a Volvo to? Apparently unhappily married couples with wackjob kids.

Ok, I love kids. They are cute and cuddly and say the darndest things. But if I see this little girl on TV one more time I may just have to swallow some bleach.

Let's analyze:

1. So it looks like she's being picked up a little late by Daddy. Or maybe it's a little early. Because she puked or pooped herself. And they already used her extra set of clothes that they make everyone bring in the first day of kindergarten so teacher dressed her in the rejects from the 3rd grade production of "Annie."

2. WTF is she saying? "...they're really good and they lived in the house that he likes the most but one day they wanted to change the color of him..." Umm, that sounds racist. Looks like teacher was reading "Song of the South" that day. Let's continue...

"Just a pretend stick but it really thin and it has legs and I don't know what it is..." Yea. I do. It's called a switch. Or a whip. Like the one they used to hurt Jesus like you saw in "Passion of The Christ" yesterday in your crazy teacher's class. And if you don't make this floor shine like the top of teh Chrysler building...I digress.

"And there's worms and some bugs." Yes. That's what you see when you die.

"Mom talked about it. But his head is so tiny..." Yes Daddy, mom told me your head is so tiny. But not the one on top of your neck...

This guys looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Stephen King

3. Maybe racist teacher told this little girl that if she was creative and told Daddy stories, that maybe just maybe, he won't leave, or hit her anymore, or make her wear the Amishiest clothes I have ever seen. Maybe. I wonder what he's thinking.

"It's so easy. I just pull the car in the garage, let her out and shut all the windows. Then I'll be able to go to sleep. Forever."

OR

"Damn bitch. She said adopting would make us feel like Angelina and Brad or Madonna and Guy."

OR

He's has a commercial stuck in head all day long and can't get it out so he's gonna gop home and take it out on his blog.

Total Request ew

Hi, my name is Jonesy from New York, NY and I want to give a shout out to my girlies that live on the Upper East. And at number one today is my request for Carson Daly to go eat a sandwich today..WOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!