Guess Who's Coming to Drinking?

Oh yes kiddies, it's that time of year again. Jonesy v. the Hamptons. Place your bets now. Here are some things to loook forward to...

This weekend is intended to be a shitshow of mass proportions. Similar to that of this girl's Awesomefest series. Some of you know about last year's magnificent trip out east. This year, I have been promised an even broader cast of characters includding Penny and pretty much everyone listed in her cast of characters. I have been told there will be drinking in mass quantities, including my introduction to the Stoli-bomb. Let's all pray I don't embarass myself while trying to pole-dance on a giant pink coulumn inside the Drift (which is actually Guide-hotspot, my hell, Neptunes during the day).

I will be venturing on the beach for the first time since last August, my pale skin begging for sun exposure. Kids, I'm so white, I glow. My sister compared my leg to my neice's (FYI-she has never seen direct sun) and the color was pretty much the same.

I am going happily, as this week has been very tough work-wise. Not only did my boss come back from his week off in order to give me tons of stuff to do, but I am also praying for a promotion to a position that opened up last week. I also have something else in the works (which will come to a close this Friday, just in time for my weekend escape) that will hopefully work out very soon!

So again, place your bets now kids, who will triumph? Will I take on the Hamtpons in pro-form without any embarassing moments that involve vomit/pee or spilling liquid of any kind? Will I avoid taking photos that make me look like I have 8 chins and 6 months prego? Or will The Hamptons beat my ass into submission, making me cry "UNCLE!" while I dance violently to quality tunes at 4 am?

I'll give you a hint. The Hamptons always wins.

I would categorize this as a flame.

WHY DO THEY MAKE PEOPLE WORK ON THE 5TH OF JULY IT ONLY RUINS THEIR 4TH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING THAT'S TOO FUN AND NOBODY'S HERE SO WHY AM I? THIS IS SO STUPID I HATE IT AND I JUST WANT TO GO HOME. AND WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE OFF BECAUSE MY BOSS TOOK THE WHOLE WEEK OFF AND HE NEEDS ME HERE TO DO NOTHING BUT JUST IN CASE BUT EVERYONE IS ON vACATION AND I AM SITTING HERE AND THE PHONE IS NOT RINGING THIS IS SO STUPID.


I hate today.

If I Could: A Tacky Wedding

Occasionally I wonder what would happen if I had unlimited funds and a whole lot of time. So here is a new type of post I'm calling "If I Could." Here are my musings on what kind of tacky wedding I would have, "If I could."

Date: 4th of July. Why? Free fireworks for all. But instead of having those little smiey faced ones I would have the folks at Macy's design special pyrotechnics that would launch firworks that would explode in the shapy of my face and beau, encircled by heart with an arrow going through it. God bless America and God bless us.

Ceremony Location: Shea Stadium. Why? Because in my little world where I have more money than Bill Gates, everyone will want to attend my nuptuals. I need stadium seating. But considering that this affair will come after 2009, I would have to buy Shea Stadium before it's torn town and transplant it to a patch of land. So, I will have to buy all the real estate on the Lower East Side/East Village, evict all the hiptards, level all the annoying builldings/hangouts and place Shea down there. Any hispter who does not vacate will just be seen as collatoral damage.

Reception: Central Park Why? Because I would need pretty much the entrie park for all the guests. It's a simple matter of capacity. All the important people will be allowed in the great lawn with me, while all the on-lookers will have to stay down in Sheep's Meadow. The people I really don't like will be sent to sit on the ball fields, and have to make due with a hotdog cart and ice cream man.

Bridal Party: The obvious suspects, my sisters, BFF, Spanish, Future Mrs. Krabby Patty, Jennifer Aniston, Kelly Clarkson, Wonder Woman.

The best man will be Michelle Williams. Because let's face it, Heath wouldn't want anyone else helping him out more than his ex-wife/baby momma.

The other best man (did I mention this was Big Love?) will be Kylie Minogue, who will be trying to hold Robbie Williams up, because we will have to kick that guy off the wagon to marry me.

Flower children: My neice will be head flower child which means she is the boss of all other flower children and they need to kiss her feet and give her money and presents. Other flower children: Suri Cruise (but Tom has to sit in the baseball team area for the reception, Katie can stay with me but only if I can call her katie and send her to de-programmer who will burn her with ciggie butts until she rejects Scientology), Zahara Jolie-Pitt (screw Shiloh), Maddox Jolie-Pitt (screw Pax), and The Olsen Twins.

I will not walk down the aisle. The entire New York Mets team will kneel on hand and knee (in their custom NYM tuxes) and I will walk on their backs.

Colors: "My culuhs are blush and bashful." And yes, Dolly Parton will be flown in to do my hair and Julia Roberts will be forced to have a diabetic seizure.

Theme: The theme is everyone look uglier than the bride. Thanks.

Black Tie: Not optional. It's demanded. But only skinny black ties are allowed. And even the women have to wear them.

Entertainment: Think of Live Aid + Live 8, ONLY BIGGER. Headliners will include a reunited 'NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, S Club 7. Also Amy Winehouse, The Beastie Boys, Shakira (but she has to dance in a brown paper bag since no one is allowed to look better than me), U2, Madonna, Oprah, Larry King, Gallagher. Ellen Degeneres will be dancing in a cage above the stage, non-stop.

Gown Design: I will change every 30 minutes into a new gown. The designers will have to pay me to wear their dress at the ceremony. I have a feeling Bobby Trendy won't win. It will be easy to dress me because I will be thinner than Victoria Beckham. And she will be forced to eat the entire reception.

Food: I will leave that up to the house elves from Hogwarts.

Party Favors: Everyone will receive an 8x10 of me, autographed, of course.

Honeymoon: 1 week at each Hedonism resort in the world.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Correction: Sorry Keith!

Keith Hernandez is a spokesman for Just for Men hair dye, not the Hair Club for Men. I stand corrected and may I say Keith, your 'stache is as sexy as ever.

Coughie and Pedicure

This past Friday I took a much needed half day off from work. Sometimes I find these more productive than full days because 1. I stay sober the night before because I still have to go to work and 2. I'm not left to my own devices and sleeping half the day away.

As soon as I left work I decided it was time for two of my favorite things: Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee and pedicures. I got my medium French Vanille Iced Coffee with skim milk and two Equal and headed over the my fave nail salon for a quick yet MUCH MUCH needed pedi (flip-flops + NYC streets = black heels). As soon as I walked in I was a little miffed because I had to wait (all four pedi stations were full) . There's only one waiting bench to sit on. It fits about three people. Smack in the middle was a little girl, probably about three or four. I had no choice than to sit right next to her. I was sitting of all of 30 seconds when I heard the deepest, chestiest, throatiest cough. It was coming from the little crumbsnatcher (Fiture Mrs. Krabbypatty's word-excellent, no?) next to me. She didn't cover her mouth.

The cough was quickly followed by a sneeze. Then another and another. I got squirmy. In my head, I was thinking "EFF! I can't get sick. It's Friday, it's been a shit week and all I want to do is drink my face off." Then I felt it. The burning sensation that someone was looking at me. It was little ol' Coughie. I don't think that child blinks.

Immediatley I get to texting everyonw whow ould understand that this evil midget was not only infecting me with her child disease, but also staring at me like I had Dora the Explorer shaved into my head.

I couldn't reiterate enough how bad the kid was staring (Have I mentioned that staring is one of my pet peeves?) and also, bad parents who take their sick kids toa ccrowded nail place instead in keeping them in bed with some Triaminic. So I took a pic with my camera phone. It didn't come out to late so I switched to video. The kid is full on staring, she even looks away and comes back. And no, she didn't know I was filming her because I had the phone up to my ear and started saying "MmmHmm" like I was in a convo (yes, I know I'm nutto).

Since I couldn't load the video, here is the budget photo I took. All you need to see is the evil eyes.

I swear I like kids though. Just not this one.

Playa HAAAAAYYYYTAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Remeber that Biggie Song Playa Hata or whatever? I like that song.

Anywho, I've been busy with stuff (So You Think You Can Dance) lately and really lazy. But i have some ideas for some classic Jonesy posts.

This is redic. Apparently they feel the need to advertise head products for bald men in all me the ladies bathrooms at shea stadium. What about keith hernandez and the hair club for men?

This is what i have been staring at all week. Need drink now.

Oh well....

Let me pre-empt this whole story by saying it's summer and there is nothing on TV.

So I just finished watching the movie "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. People have been telling me I should watch it since it's like my family blah, blah blah (I could only wish to be as cute as Mandy Moore).

Lo and behold, out of the darkness. A full fledged undiscovered hottie. Yea, Tom Everett Scott's in the movie but he plays kind of a dick, but this guy, super cute...

Hotness right?

I got so psyched! New movie actor crush! As soon as the movie was over, I ran to my trusty laptop to IMDB his hot little ass.

This is how it went down in my head....

OH! His name is Gabriel!! I LOVE THAT NAME!!!! Ok, born in 1972, so he's 35, still in my age range...Wow, he's been acting since he was 8, that's a long time, he's gotta be doing well for himself....Born in the BRONX! YAY! He's a New York boy!!! Oh, Spouse, Jacinda Barett...that girl from the real world London, she's really pretty, I met her once, she asked me where the bathroom was when I worked at Kate's Paperie...Well, she was stunningly gorgeous so he has good taste! Still Crush worthy! Oh, and they are having a baby! Good for them.

"He is a huge New York Yankee fan."

Oh screw that.


Fin.

Why I Love NY1 Commercials: Part 2

You're welcome. This will now be stuck in your head for the next 20 years. I sing it at work. All the time. I would rather have the song "Glamorous" (we get it Fergie, you can spell) playing ona look from now until eternity instead of EVER hearing this again.

Why I Love NY1 Commercials:Part 1

This is one of my favorite commercials ever. 1. These weddings look like the tackiest events ever (go to the website where they discuss their Versailles-like oppulance). And wait for the 20 second mark.

2. "WE MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!" Why is she screaming? And why does it come out of nowhere? And what's with her raising her arm like Ava Perone?

I love low-budget local news channels and those who sponser them.

I wonder if he ever...

Former mayor of New York, Ed Koch, enjoying Knocked Up, Friday night at Loew's in the East Village. He is very old looking.

Guess who just learned to

Guess who just learned to blog from her cell phone! This is going to be interesting!

Obligatory Fleet Week Post

Since the inception of this blog (2 years ago), I have made an effort to communicate to you, my loyal readers (all 5 of you), all of the fun-goings on in New York City (all of the things that involve me, booze, television and being poor).

Every year, I have been outspoken in my support of Fleet Week (AKA Hot Sailor Weekend). Well, I have officially changed my mind (I'm a flip-flopper). This year, I will not be spending Memorial Day Weekend in Manhattan (which is dead this weekend anyway) but rather, in an interesting twist, will be trekking (taking the Metro-North 30 minites) to my home town in Westchester for several celebrations (drunk-fests).

Why? You may ask, have I had such a change of heart (coal)? This year, I have noticed that while I am maturing (getting older) the sailors are seemingly less mature (seriously, they look 12 years old) and are not necessarily what I find attractive (FUGLY!).

So dear, readers (reader), there will be no posts about canooodling (Making out) with any of our US Naval Officers (unless somehow I eat a naval orange or randomly meet Phil Stacey) this weekend. In short, no delectable details from my Fleet Week celebration will be posted herewith (In short, I think I'm getting to old to hit on vulnerable 19-year-olds who are wearing white pants).

You may be saying, "Jonesy, you've explained what we (I) won't get. We (I) want to know what we WILL get." Dear friends (friend), you will most likely hear wonderful tales (foggy recollections) of a girl experiencing the verge of summer with some of her nearest (I'm only saying this because you are the ones who read this) and most dear friends and frolicking (eating and drinking) through the countryside (the yard at Spanish's parent's house).

So I bid you adieu for the long weekend (mini-vacay!) and in the words of that sage (hobag) Britney Spears, Godspeed (peace out mofos).

Rating the Finales Part 4: The Mind Blowers

Heroes - C- - What the hell? All that build up for something that was easily guessable? The writers and producers had the opportunity to create an all out Battle Royale with Sylar, having Peter make Nikki invisible and Parkman reading his mind and Hiro knocking is block off with that sword, giving a sense of finality to season 1 and a good segue into season 2 (Molly knows of an even worse baddie!). But no, poor Peter almost got his ass handed to him and Nathan had to bail him out once again. Ugh. A let down in the first degree.


Lost - A+++++++++++ - WHAT A SURPRISE! The show I have bitched about all year really came through!!! I had heard buzz that this was THE finale to watch but I never in a million years predicted the flash forward, Walt's cameo, Charlie kicking it (THEY PROMISED THEY WOULDN'T!), and Jack's future addictions. And may I mention that E. Lily looked really pretty in the future. I guess she got a good post-island scrubbing. Oh, and the "I love you." Yowsa! Of course they have opened a whole new can of worms in true Lost form, but, this time, the whole landscape of the show has changed. Oh, and that great Sawyer moment, "That's for taking the kid off the raft," was a great throw back to Season 1's finale (who can forget Walt's screams "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!) Well played, JJ Abrams. Well played, indeed.

Rating the Finales Part 3: Reality Redux

Dancing With the Farts - C - Joey didn't win.

American Idol - C+ - Only for the fact that Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood both performed. Would have been an F because Doodle didn't win. And WTF was that Sanjaya solo performance?

I will not dignify reality TV with a longer post.

Rating the Finales Part 2: The Dramedies

Ok kiddos, I've been watching more TV than humanly natural these days and here's what we got sicne I'm tired and cranky. Spoilers afoot, beware.

Ugly Betty - B+ - Twists, turns and braces, OH MY! Loved that Amanda is really Fay Summer's daughter. Loved that Charlie might be knocked up with Dr. Farkus's kid (which YAY! Does that mean Jesse Tyler Ferguson will make a return! BUT, really, the Prison Break scene with Angela I mean Claire Meade? I was waiting for Mona and Tony to come undo her chains, a little silly but hey, makes for agood cliff hanger. Mark as Flavia Fabia or whoevers assistant, AWESOME! "She makes me smoke." It doesn't get much more funny than that. Alexis/Daniel, I don't really care too much about them to bein with so if one goes...I don't really care. gWould have been an A- but, really, did they have to shoot Santos????? And reading all of the above just goes to show how fabulously redonkulous this show is...

Brothers & Sisters - B - SOL IS GAY!!!! WOW! I for one, did not see that coming at all. This episode was fine, Justin's back in Iraq, Kitty's engaged, Sarah's a mess, Tommy is sad, Kevin is still slutty (with a Sentor's minister brother no less). Seems like not much has changed in the Walker family since William died in the pool during the pilot. Oh wait, and Rebecca's a homewrecking whore like her mom...thank God Rob Lowe is there to look pretty.

And finally...the one people have been waiting for....(only filed as a dramedy since the other dramas I watch are more Sci-fi-ish)

Grey's Anatomy - F- - Never have I been less satisfied with a season finale. Every plot point was stupid and in all honesty, even since the George Izzie cheating thing started all of the Seattle Grace interns/residents/surgeons have been on my last nerve. They should have saved teh ferry crash for the finale. George failed? Really? Burke booked? What? McDreamy made some quietly passionate speech to Meredith? Ok, that's not new. Meredith seemed cold? Who cares? Addison is jumping ship at the right time because this finale proved, my beloved show is on its way down. McDreamy and Meredith breaking up sounds like one giant shark jump to me.

Ok kids, I've watched Heroes and Have VERY strong opinions, but stay tuned. After Wednesday, I will post Part 3: The Sci-Fi Favorites

Rating the Finales Part 1: The Comedies

Ok, so in an effort to make my blog a little more exciting, I will be rating some season finales for you folks so you DVR and TiVo Junkies can decide what to get excited to watch and what you can be thoroughly dissapointed with. But if you are one of those folks who like sto be surprised stop reading now.

How I Met Your Mother - Grade B+ - It's hard to give any TV show that isn't an hour long more than a B but HIMYM was fantastic. Kudos to Ted for finally seeing the light and sending Robin Sparkles to the curb. Lily getting drunk at her own wedding - awesome. And Barney closing it out with a little "Legend-wait for it...." And props to CBS for giving us a third season so we can hear the "Dary!" part of that.

The Office - A- - Jan's breakdown was fantastic. Jim and Pam have a date!!!! HUGE! Ryan getting the job at corporate, HILARIOUS! But what people, no kiss?????? A kiss would have made the minus, a plus.

Stay tuned for my updates on Grey's, Lost, Heroes and in a couple weeks, One Tree Hill. But don't expect any Idol tidbits from me. As much as I hate this season, the fact that Doolittle got the boot before Blake really grinds my gears.

This does no justice.

And these sick fucks sat in the front row.

Head back, HEAD BACK!

The field trip to Six Flags was awesome. I love roller coasters, I love the thrill of being forced into the air at God knows what speed. But the Kingda Ka? You've got to be effing kidding me.

Mind you I wasn't told until after that it's the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster. You can see this thing from anywhere in the park. The Scream Machine? Child's play.

KrabbyPatty, DM and Homer (Spanish's husband, named so after his favorite cartoon character) and I waited on line. For all of 10 minutes (apparently I picked the best day ever to go to Six Flags, there was no one there). Those were the longest 10 minutes of my life. All I could hear was screams and all I could see were tears in the eyes of some tween in front of me. I bit a huge chunk of my nail off.

It went down like this:

Homer: "Holy crap did you see that?"

Me: "I'm just not looking. I'm just going to get on."

Homer: "No, look! They shoot you out so fast!"

Me: "Just don't talk to me."

I could only envy Future Mrs. KP and Spanish as they were the only two with enough brains to remain safely on the ground. They would later report that they saw some dude boot all over the ground as he ran full spped away from the coaster for his life.

As the car ahead of us with the tween pulled up (which signaled it was our turn to get in) I stared at her. She looked like someone just took her puppy away while they were simultaneously murdering all of the members on 'NSYNC.

I got in the car, pulled the safety thing over my head and buckled myself in for dear life. When the teenagers who worked on the ride came to check my safety, I said a silent prayer. I mean seriously, have you seen how old the kids are who work at Six Flags? The kid who served me my burger at Johnny Rockets was 14, tops. I should send the NJ department of labor in there, the park would be shut down for days.

Anyway, I made it. I said I would do it and I did. It went this fast, clouds, parking lot, ground and it was over. Maybe the wind and fear for my life and intense neck and back pain (they tell you to keep your head back...I couldn't. The thing shoots you out at 128 mph) were what caused the tears at the end, but I did it, and yes, I deserve an effing big cookie.

You're eating hair!

I know, I know. I've been slacking on the posts but I've been unmotivated and busy watching all of tv build up to it's finale. So chuckle on this until I come back!

Please excuse me

I didn't re-read that last post until now. Please excuse all typos and blame them on the v. strong margaritas I consumed. Thank you.

I promise more to come soonish on the Six Flags trip and Jones v. Kingda Ka.

FIELD TRIP!

Tomorrow morning, Spansih and hubby, The future Mr and Mrs Krabbypatty, DM and I are heading to Six Flags Great Adventure Theme Park and Safari in nearby Vernon, NJ. Not really nearby, but everyne needs a field trip every so often.

The fact that DM and I are waking up pre 8 AM is huge and Spanish's husband continues to refer to the Kingda Ka roller coaster as the Kingda Kock...and yes, I'm riding it...he likes to laugh at that.

I'm sure hilarity and mishaps will ensue. Stay tuned kids...I had margaritas pre-roller coaster, this could be ugly.


P.S. Yes I'm the tard who scheduled this outing the day after Cinco Day Mayo/Derby/Huge Pay Per View Fight...I suck.

Spanish's Folly

I love my friend Spanish. But she's special when it comes to myspace.

Let me pre-empt this story with an explanation of one of Spanish's quirks. She just so happens to have the absolute WORST timing ever. She's the friend who calls me right after I fall asleep during a much needed nap. Or she just so happens to stop by right when I am taking my Friday afternoon pre-drinking nap. Or, right when they give out some nugget of knowledge on Lost, she'll call. She can't help it and it's not on purpose, she just has shitty timing with her communications. It's at the point, that when the phone rings while London and I are watching tv, she immediately asks, "Is that Spanish?" And starts laughing. A good 8 out of 10 times it is.

Back to her myspace retardation. Spanish has had a myspace profile for a while. For about a year she had no photo and 4 friends. Then it was a photo of bald Britney. Now, she finally sucked it up and actually made a profile. Luckily her brother-in-law helped her in these intial stages because I would have probably killed her. It started so innocently, with her asking me how to post picture in comments, etc. Then one day, she rejected a friend request. Turns out she knew the person and poor Spanish thought the girl would be mad at her. This conversation lasted a half hour. She's nice like that. I would have said, fuck it, if they want to be my friend enough they'll just request me again or I could not talk to them for abother 8 years, either way, I'm cool.

Last summer, Spanish, her husband and I went for ice cream. At Carvel. Which means, I'm getting a cherry bonnet. For those of you don't know, a cherry bonnet is vanilla soft serve on a waffle cone dipped in cherry sauce, which hardens over the ice cream.

Chocolate and cherry bonnets....delish.

IT'S AWESOME. Needless to say, I was made fun of, because really, who eats something called a cherry bonnet. Apparently the same people who eat a cake called Cookiepuss.

Meet Cookiepuss.

Earlier this week I went on a massive hunt for a Mister Softee truck during my lunch break. Knowing that they serve cherry bonnets, I was psyched. Then I got to the truck and found an even greater concoction. The Red Merlin. The Red Merlin is a cherry bonnet, with effing rainbow sprinkles (or jimmies for all of you people who don't know normal english) at the top of the cone. So the ice cream looks like a red wizard's hat with a sprinkled rainbow brim. AWESOME!!!! Alas, Mister Softee's vanilla was out of order so I had to deal with some crappy chocolate. But I digress....

So I immediately told Spanish about my wonderful new find and she immediately had to inform her husband. She chose myspace as the mode of delivery. I sent her a photo of something called the Nutty Merlin. After teaching her how to upload the photo and post-it (allbeit an impatient teaching session) she was like ok, I think I got it. Then she called to say it wasn't working. We worked through that issue. Mind you, I'm trying to watch TV and eat dinner.

About a half hour later, she called yet again, right as they are announcing who was going home on Dancing with the Farts (and yes, I say farts instead of starts because let's face it, the word fart will always be funny). She was laughing hysterically. I made her wait until I saw the one-legged wonder get the boot.

Through uncontrollable laughter she explained that instead of a comment she had posted a bulletin. The title was "come check out my image!"

The photo was of something called a Nutty Merlin. Which honestly, in the image, does not look too much like ice cream. She either comes of like 1. Someone who REALLY like ice cream. 2. A wierdo. 3. Someone who really likes nuts named merlin.

So please excuse anything Spanish may send you on myspace. She's a great friend and wonderful gal, but when it comes to myspaceing she's in the remedial class.

PS I've learned to turn my phone off during naps.

An Open Letter To The Man Of My Dreams aka Heath Ledger

Heathy baby,

I love you. You know I do. I think you are the most attractive man in the universe. But if you make one more depressing love story I am going to have to break up with you and hold out hope for someone else.

As I write this, I watch the end of the movie Candy. It was good, don't get me wrong, but it's tragic. And I know you like to flex those acting muscles, but any chance I can get A Knight's Tale 2 or 11 Things I Hate About You? That was a nice movie. Nice and neat in the end. I like those. I like it when Heath gets the girl in the end and you both stay alive and live happily ever after. You have your indie-cred. You got the nomination. Now give us ladies what we want instead of constantly flipping us off (or wait, is that only the papparazzi?).
And almost showing your peen in the movie? Tease.

While your next project where you play The Joker really excites me, I need a feel good film. Even Michelle made The Baxter. It was indie-light, but light all the same. So whaddya say Heath honey? Please, for me? Just a light romantic comedy? It'll put Matilda through college!

Love,

Your Dearest Jones

P.S. Next indie film you do, whip out the peen, the world is waiting.

P.P.S. Take a shower, you look crusty.

Farewell young friend

I thought my laugh was bad

I hate my laugh. It's a cackle mixed with snorts. This girl is WAY worse.

An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf:

Dear Shia,

Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself. I am your future cougar.



I will admit, I have had an unhealthy crush on you since the days of Even Stevens and Holes. But now you are fully grown and I am ready to share my mild obsessionw ith you to the world.

Why do I heart you so? Is it because you used to have curly Timberlake-esque fro? Is it because your last name is sounds so awesomely fake? Could it be that you bear an uncanny resemblance to that guy in college that I used to hook up with on and off for four years? The answer is all of the above---and more.

Do I love that you look like a man child? Indeed.

Did I love your efforts to make me laugh on Saturday Night Live? Yes, you little sex pot.

Does it make me excited that you are co-starring in Indiana Jones 4? Yowsa.

And so Shia, is it with great pleasure that I appoint myself as your future cougar. The Demi to your Ashton, the Cameron to your Justin, the Barbara to your Naveen. Get ready, tiger.


Love,

Your Jonesy

PS Grrrrrrrrrr.

Miss me?

I hope so. I've have been busy thoroughly enjoying the plastic easter egg filled with three cherry chapsticks the Easter Bunny left me. Even he knows about my quest to find the absolute best chapstick ever.

Pardon my absence. It has been due to some drunken evenings (which included the end of an era, like really, no more Waterloo, ever...like really, even when I'm really bored, never again, it's closed), family obligations (Do you think babies know it's Easter? My answer is: no. If they did they wouldn't cry during a delicious meal when everyone is trying enjoy some ham), potential life changes (leaving this one alone), laziness (I love to sit and watch tv all day), reformed gym going (yes, I saw Laverne, she says hello), reformed laziness (I only have a week's worth of work out clothes), and again, more drunkeness.

I promise I will be back soon with some quality posts. Maybe. No, really, I promise. Maybe. No, I swear this time.

PS Does anyone else love the way they whisper Sanjya's name on The Soup every weekend. I love you, Joe McHale.

Betcha Can't Eat Just One

I love how I can relate anything to snacks.


MJones: It's like I've been put on a shelf. Like a bag of chips that was opened and tried and tasted good, but since no one wants to eat a whole bag of chips at once, I got put on the shelf.
dm: well u shut ur bag
dm: u know- of chips
dm: or whatever
MJones: I'm trying
MJones: but the chips you see, the sort of like the dip
MJones: well they did, until it went rotten
dm: ur gonna go stale
dm: meaning that ur the open bag of chips
MJones: yea, i understand, but you can't just reseal a bag of chips
MJones: you have to eat them all until you feel bad about it
dm: oh sure u can...they make those now
MJones: OH HELL YEA! Im cashing in my bag for a container. I'm upgrading to Pringles!
dm: hahahaha
dm: and pringles dont break into pieces
MJones: and they dont taste good with dip
dm: NICE
dm: yeah they have their own flavor
MJones: they are a stand alone snack and dont need condiments to get by
MJones: BUT
MJones: if they so choose, they aren't half bad with say, some sour cream and onion flavoring
dm: exactly
MJones: ps this is so going on the blog
dm: obviously
MJones: is it bad that i want chips now?

I take pills for that

Dear Old Navy Marketers/Billing Office,

I know it's been a long winter and yea, maybe I've put on a few. But when you mail me my bill and include a coupon/insert for maternity clothes I have to draw the line. Thank you for giving me the full motivation to become a reformed gym bunny who magically gets back her once gloriously hot bod.


Sincerely,

Miss Jones

PS Suck it.

VOTE FOR HIM!

Idol sucks this year so I am officially voting for this guy...HA!

Gotta Love Those Fug Gals

Just read.

Well Played, Winnie Cooper

A History Lesson: As taught by HBO and Showtime

Like most of NYC, I had to take a sick day because I woke up feeling like crap on stick. The constant coughing and blowing my nose didn't allow me to get much rest so I decided to use my HBO and Showtime OnDemand channels to waste some time (only after I watched my one of my FAVE episode of Dawson's Creek...the one with the Senior prank..."It's a karma thing!").

First up, catching up on some episodes of Rome. What girl wouldn't want to spend some time on the couch watching the sexy bald brute Titus Pullo kick some ass (or bite, or stab or whip, he's so effing hot!)? Or Atia put all uber-bitches to shame? I implore you all, watch this show...I'll give you another reason in a moment.

Pullo: So hot right now.

Source


Next, on to the first two episodes of The Tudors on Showtime starring sexy/ugly (still can't quite figure it out, sometimes he's just plain gross other times I wouldn't mind some sexy time) man Jonathan Rhys Myers as Henry VIII. Yes, the fat guy who had 6 wives and liked turkey legs. I guess he was sexy/ugly when he was young, and that's where the show starts.

Source

So what historical lesson did I take away from these programs? What great insight to I have into the past? What is the one thing I can take away from our great leaders and figure heads of the past?


They all had sex. LOTS AND LOTS OF IT! Literally, boobs on screen every few minutes. Octavian was into S&M, Henry VIII liked taking girls from the back, Cleopatra and Mark Antony could do it standing up after beating the crap out of each other. Literally, I saw more sets of boobs today than I think I ever will again. So yea, that's what I learned. Sex was important. And doing it with a King, Counsel, or hired muscle looks freaking awesome.

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Unless it's like this. This is just gross. And what's on her face? You know what, I don't even want to know.

I love the smell of beer and shame in the morning

Have any of you heard of National "She's Funny That Way Day?"

This year it falls on March 31. Last year, it was on March 18, the day after St. Pat's. Both Spanish and The Future Mrs. Krabbypatty have heard this before but I think it should ALWAYS be the day after St. Pat's.

Why? Because St. Pat's is one of the few days a year you can be a complete fucktard and laugh it off the next day with out any regret...well, most of the time.

Here are some conversational examples where this could work.


Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She was so wasted she leaned on a tack and had to like pull it out of her hand. Then she acted like it never happened. Like it didn't even hurt because she was so drunk. Like it was going to magically heal like that girl on Heroes.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She made out with me in the ally behind the bar and then tried to pay the bouncer to let her back in.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: She broke out into hysterics, like crying and stuff, so I gave her another drink and she was totally fine.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: We went home together and hooked up and then she got dressed and proclaimed that she wanted to go back out and I had to leave. She like, kicked me out and didn't even try to say goodbye.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.



Guy 1: Did I tell you about that girl you know last night?

Guy 2: No, what happened?

Guy 1: I think she gave me the clap...on purpose.

Guy 2: Yea, she's funny that way.

You get the idea. Be thankful St. Patrick's Day is just one day a year.


**Note: All or none of these things may or may not have happened to me or my friends on Saint Patrick's days from theyears 2000-2007, you be the judge of what's real and what's false..**

March Madness

Is it just me or has this been one of the most wild weeks ever? Due to some job stuff I've been on crazy edge which as a result I have proven to alienate most of the people around me, most of which know that when crap like this happens just ignore it and I will get back into my proper senses.

People got engaged, babies were born, people are losing jobs and more serious crap...all this week. It's like a clusterfuck of crazy happenings, all big, all exciting, some good, some bad. It's a tornado of events leading to everyone I know begging for the weekend to come so they can a) get crazy drunk or b) sleep.

It's hard to get into detail without giving away who people are or breaking someone's trust but believe you me...I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me the sky is falling.

Ok enough seriousness...have I mentioned that I watched my boss kiss his son on the lips,like a peck but still? I don't have brothers...is this normal?

"You're killing me Smalls!"

Thanks to Tiny Dancer, I had a revelation last night.

I was wondering where I had seen the guy who plays Jimmy on The Black Donnellys before....

Can't quite place it? It's Thomas Guiry. AKA Smalls in the greatest children's sport movie ever, The Sandlot.

Source

Kudos, Thomas...I thought you were done forever after that Lassie re-make.

JUST SAY NO TO BJ!

Like I felt obligated to warn all men against murses or man purses, I am officially making a new PSA. It is geared towards all mother's with new baby girls. Now I know that not all little ones are born with flowing locks and that it can be hard to determine the sex of your baby while wearing a white onesie. But please, please, stop putting jewelry on your babies. Stay away from BJ (baby jewelry). Don't pierce their ears, don't put a bangle on them and for the love of our lord baby infant Jesus Christ, do NOT give them rings (even Spanish who is pro-BJ admitted this is just a choking hazard).

That's right. Step away from the baby jewelry counter. Put down the ice cube and safety pin (which is how Spanish said her baby ears were pierced).

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This baby is having BJ nightmares.

Why am I so against BJ? Because: 1. It's just tacky. 2. It makes baby girls look like little hookers. 3. Your daughter will be a whore if she wears BJ...I mean c'mon, BJ leads to BJ's. 4. It's really effing ugly.

Also, please refrain from putting those elastic on your baby's head so it looks like she has a bow on. She just looks like a groom missed when he threw a garter and it landed on you babys dome.

All you need to do:

1. Dress the baby in pink, preferably a dress of some sort.

2. Give her a "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" bib.

3. Stick a baby doll in the carriage.

THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just might be...

some of the greatest tv writing ever from Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.


Izzie: You know when you don’t have sex for a while you sort of forget how good it is and you don't really need it as much?

George: Yeah, that doesn't happen to guys.

Izzie: It’s like a beast, a beast that was asleep for a long, long time. And now the beast is wide-awake and wants to be fed and the food that Alex gave it-- it was good food George.

George: Something needs to be done about your taste.

Izzie: Ah, you’re just jealous because your beast is still asleep.

George: My beast isn’t asleep. My beast never sleeps.


Ay, me.

HAPPY BERFDAY TO...

MY BLOG!!!!! Today officially marks the 2nd anniversary of this blog. We've come a long way baby...

We've ditched my identity all together

We've ditched the inital ugly blue layout

We've given ourselves a little face lift with some artwork

We've linked to Youtube so we are video capable

We've linked to other bloggers so that when we are lazy readers won't feel bored

We've introduced you to characters like Spanish, The Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty, London, Spike, Tiny Dancer and Laverne

And we've made an ass of ourself time and time again and shared it with you...

So Kudos to us, for keeping up with my blog so you peeps (all 2 of you) can have something to do when you mastur...I mean, procrastinate.

I miss my Little Mr. Thirsty

Last week, I had to go to the dentist. Before I landed my job last year, I still commuted home to Westchester to see my childhood dentist Dr. O. Literally, his last name is kind of hard to pronounce so we call him Dr. O. He rules. He has the gentle hands and kick ass hygenists who like to compliment my teeth ("You have such straight teeth!" And no braces? You are so lucky!") and distract me while they use their tools of death so it doesnt hurt. He even calls the suction thingie "Little Mr. Thirsty."

Flash forward. Last year. I get my dental insurance card. Dr. O doesn't take my plan. So I tried to weigh out the costs, $200 per visit to Dr. O for a cleaning twice a year or just find a new guy until I get an insurance plan that will bring me back to my beloved Doc. I chose the latter and settled with a guy who has an office near Central Park, not too far from where I work (figuring I can fit appointments into lunch hours).

On my first visit to my new tooth man I immeditaley noticed the marble floors and plush leather couches. "Kick ass!," I thought to myself as I waited and read magazines like Vanity Fair and W. Dr. O carried Highlights for Children and People. As I walked into an exam room, I noticed his walls were covered with photos. Photos of celebrities like the girl who plays Meadow Soprano and Faith Evans. B-listers, yes, but celebrities with good teeth nonetheless. I was impressed.

The hygenist sat me in her high-tech looking chair and gave me x-rays that popped up on this expensive looking computer. Cool enough, right? Then it all went to poo. She started talking about what a bad day she was having and how she got in a car accident and how her boyfriend is cheap. All the while, she was maiming my mouth with that pointy scraper thingie. She didn't even have her little mirror out. It was terrible pain, the likes I have never felt before from my Dr. O's kick ass hygenist, Pam (I miss you!).

I chalked it up to inexperince. I waited for the Doctor to come in. They told me I had only made an appoinment for a cleaning, not a check-up and I would have to come back....WTF? This is news to me. I mean really, doesn't the dentist just do the once over anyway and only intervenes if there are real issues??? But I had no choice but to make another appointment for a month later, during which I sat there for 30 minutes to wait for the new tooth man. He walked in. Wearing jeans. And a tight t-shirt that he shouldn't be really wearing. I wondered, is he going to a costume party dressed like Simon Cowell? I shook it off and let him exam me, which apparently cosists of his putting on some blue gloves and poking around my mouth for about 4.2 seconds and then asking me if I ever considered closing the small gap in my teeth. I told him, no, but he pretty much forced me to consider it after making me feel like a little girl in the schoolyard being made fun of.

Six months later. Crap, Dr. O is still not a fan of my insurance. I made another appointment with Dr. Cowell because I'm lazy and didn't feel like trying to find a new guy. I made sure to specify a check-up and cleaning so I wouldn't have to go back again. I was psyched to see that I had a different hygenist for my cleaning. She seemed nice enough. She got me ready for x-rays and asked me if I was pregnant. I said no. She said, "Lucky you."

WTF? Ok, I know I'm unmarried and have no engagement ring nor do I want a baby anytime soon, but what if I was a lesbian who was trying but couldn't get preggers. Would I be lucky then? NO! She crossed a line there and I don't care if she was insinuating that she was knocked up. Lady, keep your babies to yourself and clean my teeth.

Mind you it's my lunch break and I only have an hour. I had already waited 20 minutes. She looks like she wa about to start and says, "Oh God! Did you see Britney Spears???"

WTF? Lady, you are aboutto put Little Mr. Thirsty in my mouth and I won't be able to talk, so please, let's keep the Britney banter to a minimum ok? She then went on to discuss J.Lo and how good she looks and blahblahblah while stabbing me with her little sharp tool. BLOOD! EVERYWHERE! PAIN! Apparently she was the evil twin of the first hygenist. So she finishes, barely puts any effort while poliching my teeth and then calls the Doc in.

I started to laugh. He was wearing jeans. And a tight black t-shirt. Dr. Cowell dresses like this on a regular basis. Holy Crap! Where are his khakis and his lab coat??????? Once the humor wore off I looked closer. This guy goes tanning!!! I bet he has a young girlfriend named Bambi that he takes to the Carribean while his wife stays home and takes care of their kids. Oh yea, and you know he totally has a Ferrari. WHile I sat there sitting blood, Dr. Cowell mentioned the gap again. WTF? I felt emtionally raped. NO. MEANS NO.

Then it hit me. This guy was like once the McSteamy of dentistry. He's a fix-it guy who specializes in cosmetic dentistry who just happens to also offer check-ups!!! Hence, the "Put some sex appeal in your smile." on his business card. He examined me mouth again for like 4.2 seconds and sent me on my way.

Now all I can do is pray that Dr. O will come to his senses and take my insurance...please sweet Jesus. Save me from fake Simon Cowell, the dentist from hell.

I think I'm bleeding....

So in my cube at work I have this poster. It's a Ziggy poster. Like the loveable cartoon. Cheesy? Yes. But it's better than one of those cats hanging froma clothesline or babies with fedoras and saxophones ("I like your poster Angela.")

Ziggy turned 35 last year so he's standing on the number 35.


My boss's son just asked me if I got it for my birthday when I turned 35....OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I should be sent home now.


I promise more to come soon about my crazy dentist visit...But here's a taste. When I took his card at the end of my visit I noted his slogan: "Put some sex appeal in your smile!" SERIOUSLY?

Winter Blues

February has left me uninspired, hence the utter lack of posts. And while my friends go on vacays and make plans for summer, I go to work and watch tv...Stay tuned folks...

Somewhere, Someday

VIVA LA JAM

You've met Barney Stinstson, now meet my other favorite funny man, Jim Halpert.

Jim + Pam = True Luv 4 Eva

Why is it...

that every time I walk into the living room when London or TD is watching 24 I always see a random actor?

Ok, ok I know. I should watch the show. The fact of the matter is, I already watch too much TV and if I try to catch up on five seasons and add something else into the mix I'm going to be plastered to my couch forever. But really, the show has piqued my interest lately with its crazy mix of random actors whose names I don't know including Audrey from Vegas Vacation, Montgomery McNeil from Fame/Dr. Romano from ER, Gabriel Demas (ok, I know his name is Eric Balfour) from Six Feet Under, Cyril O'Reilly from Oz, and the guy with the strange accent from Ghostbusters 2/Ally McBeal.

Perhaps I will have some catching up to do this summer. But only after I celebrate what I am now dubbing DAWSON'S CREEKENDS! I have decided that over every weekend for the next few months I will watch every episode of Dawson's Creek, from start to finish. Seriously. Every. last. one. This means 128 episodes including the 2-hour finale.

In order to complete my DAWSONS CREEKENDS! I will need to obtain Seasons 5 & 6 on DVD. Donations will be accepted. Anyone interested in participating can contact me at missjonesblog@hotmail.com. Or if you are one of those special people who actually know me, just pick up the phone and call.

Yes, I have no life.

"GET THE CHAMPAGNE!"

Ok, so this girl is psycho. And is it just me, or does one of the the bridesmaids look like one of those manly triplets from MTV's Super Sweet 16?

I think this could be fake, but if not, God help the poor groom.



Take note Future Mrs. KrabbyPatty-if you pull a stunt like this we will be laughing at you.

And full credit goes to Spanish, for sending this link.

I Need a Hero...

Anyone else share this sentiment? It seems that everyday heroes are popping up everywhere these days. From Wesley Autrey to Hiro Nakamura it seems like everyone else is getting their fill of valiant efforts made by regular folks. But not me (well, maybe I get a little from Hiro, since he makes me laugh out loud every Monday night).


Sure I've had my brush with the amazing every so often. Take my normally lax superintendent for example. A small rodent, who I'll call Mickey, decided to invade my apartment a few weeks ago when I was gone for the weekend. London caught a glimpse of the little fellow and given her past history with these little creatures she wasn't having anything to do with them. When I came back to my apartment after a long relaxing weekend in the 'chester, I spotted sticky traps neatly lined in front of her door and strategically placed in the kitchen. I didn't even say hello.


Me: No!!!!!

London: Yes.

Me: When.

London: Saturday night.

Me: Where?

London: Under the couch and into my room

Me: Nooooooooooo! Not again! Sweet Jesus, not again.


End Scene.


Monday night, during the greatest night of TV ever, Mickey decided to come over, unannounced and uninvited. I watched her little brown bod scurry to his demise in one of London sticky traps. As he writhed around (I admit, I felt really bad, ya know, 'cause all God's creatures have a place in the choir) I screamed.


Me: London!!!!

London: What?

Me: It's in a trap!

London: What????

Me: It's stuck...what do I do?

London: I don't know.

Me: EW EW EW It's looking at me!

London: Call the super.

Luckily, my phone was in my lap so I could avoid having to get up and face any of Mickey's friends. I called the super. I kid you not. The same man who told us to clean out our cabinets so he could fill the holes in our walls and then took 3 weeks to do anything about it. When I explained the problem he said, "I'll be right up." That night he became, in my bright hazel eyes, Super Super, my hero.

Flash to Paris, end of August, 2001. It's a late night. Jonesy has imbibed many glasses of French wine and a bottle of French beer that looked like a forty ounce (which she stole from a cabaret, the cabaret during which she yelled "DEEP THROAT IT!" to the sword swallower...oops.) Jonesy and a few others get separated from their tour group. One of the others is a girl from San Diego who has never drank before and decides to go up to random people on the street and ask for directions. One of these people, a surly looking French fellow decides to grab Jonesy and start taking her away from the group. Luckily, when I'm drunk, I'm very loud, so when I shouted "LET GO!" a member of the group, Boston College Dave (who did not attend BC) came running to her rescue and pulled out a pocket knife, almost like he was in The Outsiders. He was my SodaPop that night and I will never forget that.



Beyond that I got nothing. Nothing beyond what I see on TV. And what I see on TV is glorious. One hero for everyday of the week:

Sunday:









Source


Titus Pullo and Marcus Veroneus on HBO's Rome. Both have killed for the women they love...HOT!

Monday:












Source


Totally trying to right wrongs done to their families and the women they love (RIP Veronica).

And let's face it, what lady doesn't mind that Linc the sink always has his top button undone?

Tuesday:













Source


Christopher Meloni, Law & Order: SVU. Angry cop with a temper. Also seen with full frontal on OZ as an angry prisoner with a temper. Either way, I'll take it.


Wednesday:














Source

Dr. Jack Shepard. Even though I have a love/hate relationship with Lost (which is more hate right now) but still, he's pretty. I would let him save me any day.

Thursday:
















Source


No need for words. P. Demps. So hot right now.

Friday:

Source


Basic cable hot: this guy from Psych. Very observant and funny. Reason enough to rethink going out on Friday nights.

Saturday:

Well, there really isn't any new TV on Saturday nights and lord knows I wouldn't let any of those messes on SNL save me. So I guess I'll have to be my own hero on Saturday nights, albeit a drunk one, but a hero nonetheless. Until I find a real one...

Finally!

"I do a little bit of karokey every so often...."

I know at least one person is going to yell at me for posting anything American Idol related...but c'mon.

Why am I waiting for Paul Bearer to come walking in with an urn...

A New Year...

Sorry I've been so absent folks. Any of you who actually know me know that there has been a lot going on lately. But like they say excuses are like butts...so here goes.

In 2007, I've decided to work on a few things. Here's a briefing:

1. Go back to the gym. After a long hiatus I've realized that I have to get my ass back in the gym. Literally, my ass needs to go before it gets any bigger. Besides I bet Laverne misses me.

2. Get more organized. Still working on getting my ducks in a row but so far so good!

3. Get a new bed. Yes, my bed is still broken and on the floor. But without some help, it's staying that way. And yes, it's still a twin. But considering I'm the only one who sleeps in it, no one sees this a rush situation.

4. Watch less tv and take advantage of my surroundings more. Who are we kidding? I should cross this off right now.

5. Go on vacation. A real one. That requires at least taking 3-4 days off of work.

6. Upgrade. Meaning: new bed, new digitial camera, new wardrobe.

7. Number 7 is the step before number 6 and 5, but hey, I have credit cards so we won't hold our breath for this one. Get a promotion/raise and or better job that will pay me enough to have a normal life. I got a raise in September. I didn't talk about it because I JUST realized this recently while looking at some pay stubs. That's how huge it was. Awesome.

8. Have more fun. I want to do more fun things that I never thought I would do. Like bungee jumping or sky diving. But again, that requires number 7 to happen.

9. Drink less. This one isn't the most fun, but it will lead to less embarassment and injury to myself and others.

10. Stop making stupid lists on my blog when I have nothing else to write about.

VOTE OR DIE

I'm not Diddy and I can't fly around with the US Constitution in my provate plane to my white party, BUT I can implore you all to vote for one of my favorite funnymen of all time, Mitch Hedberg. RIP Mitch, we miss the laughs!!







PS For those of you who go to this site a vote for Dane Cook you are lame. 1. Because Dane Cook is alive. 2. Because yes, Dane Cook is hysterical, but he's a live and has his own HBO special that is on every other 5 minutes. Watch Mitch Hedberg, sadly, he won't be making any HBO specials for you to chuckle at. Bitches.

I might as well join the team...

I was thinking today about my beloved Mets. And how much my life is like a reflection of them. I guess it's a curse. Let me explain:

1. Consider my family. Sure my mom is one of the oldest, but she's also one of the best so she's like Glavine. Then you have the superstars who may be complete opposites but man do they play well together, so I guess my sisters are like Wright and Reyes. Then you have the newest addition who shows a lot of promise but has a lot to learn about the game, and while she may not have braids, in a way, my baby niece is like Lastings Milledge. My dad, well, he's a Yankee...so he doesn't really work in this analogy. Then you have me...the real superstar, who is there for the team, who likes attention, and who really wishes they would have swung at that last pitch in the NLCS...just like Carlos Beltran, except I don't switch hit.

2. My life...sure, for awhile things looked good for everyone in New York but me...with a few blips if greatness here or there. But finally, finally, things look like they just might come together.

3. When I was little and I did something good, I would get an apple. It didn't come out of a top hat but you get the drift.

4. Sometimes it seems like everyone around me is rooting for someone else.

5. I have been home to some really good looking (D. Wright!) and fugly (Jeromy Burnitz anyone?) players.

6. With my new workout regime I plan on implementing soon, I, too, will have a new stadium (OK that was a reach...)

So anyway, with that, I renew my commitment to the NYM for the 2007 season. See you at Shea kids!

New Year Hilarity

I finally made it through a New Year's Eve without incident (except for my sister's OBVIOUS cheating during a late night game of Friends Scene-it). Others were not as lucky. Please refer to the following email I received from a friend today:

"For those that are unaware, there is a song entitled 'From Paris to
Berlin' in which the chorus repeats: "From Paris to Berlin, every disco
I go in, my heart is pumping for love, pumping for love"

New years eve is well underway and the cocktails are flowing, when I
receive a text from [redacted] that read 'From Paris to Berlin, every
disco I go in'. Knowing the song and the next line I type 'My heart is
pumping for love' to send in reply. After typing the message I then need
to select who is going to receive the message and as I always put
people's last names in my phone, I search for [redacted]. Because I was so
rushed to get back to playing Jenga, I accidentally send to [redacted, but something close to the other name...(my boss).

So to summarize I sent a text to my boss that said 'My heart is pumping
for love'

Anyway,

I hope your 2007s are off to a better start than mine.

Happy New Year!"

Here's to a heart full of pumping love in 2007 (but not for our bosses!)

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

When I woke up Christmas morning, my mom promptly told me that my sister was in labor. By 1 pm Cutest Baby Ever (CBE) arrived in my life. My gift to her, a copy of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" inscribed with a message of love and support.

Here is what I didn't tell her that I am going to teach her OR Things I wish people had taught me:

1. Boys are stupid. They always will be and you can't change that. No, they don't analyze things like we ladies do, so don't waste your time. If a boy is being stupid find another one, preferably a younger one.

2. You are NEVER too young to be a cougar.

3. Girls are crazy. They always will be and you can't change that. And they are mean. And you can't change that either. So just be the meanest and make everyone fear you and you will be popular.

Source

Your new bible.

4. Here are some necessities:

• A good lip gloss




• A light perfume




• A good pair of black boots




• Being a fan of at least one sports team




• A good laugh (I'm still working on mine, someone told me I cackle)

5. Being able to sing, dance and hold your cocktail is a quality skill, work on that one while you're young.

6. Even though you will probably despise your Mom from ages 12-17, make sure you tell her you love her every day. She'll be the one you call when you get in trouble for underage drinking in college. But seriously. Moms are awesome (My sister just explained labor to me in high detail.).

7. Math beyond the 8th grade level is unnecessary and useless in the real world so don't try too hard.

8. Read books. They make you smarter and if you pick the right ones, you learn about sex really early on.

9. Our family has weird allergies to drugs. I am allergic to the ganj as is your other aunt. You can try it, but trust me, you'll be passed out or puking. I say, stick to booze and caffeine, at least they are legal.

This = puking.

10. Stack your shoes neatly in your closet. Stepping on a high heel at 8 am is agony.

11. Learn another language fluently, you will probably need it.

12. New York City is a place full of fun and late nights. Never take a cab back to Westchester alone at 4:30 am. Find the nearest diner, drink coffee to stay awake and hop the 5:35 back. And don't fall asleep. There are no cabs in Cos Cob.

13. Don't date or hook up guys with long beards.

14.The following things are scary:

• Ghosts




• Clowns (especially the sad kinds)




• Birds




• The Willy Wonka boat ride




• G'mork in The Neverending Story




• Michael Jackson's nose




• Michael Jackson




• Anything to do with Are You Afraid of the Dark on Nickelodeon




• Possibly me if I drink too much

And Finally...

15. Don't look up to Katie Holmes, she will only break your heart.

Mismatch.com

I recently logged onto my old match.com profile (which, in my defense, was created during a dry spell on a very rainy Saturday night) just to see who might be out there. I don't pay for the service so I can't really contact people but I find it fascinating how they match you up with people. If they can find my 100% match that would be awesome.



Well it finally happened. And apparently I am destined to fall in love someone we will call Troll McTrollerston. Now, I am aware that I am not Heidi Klum or even any kind of less hot version of any celebrity. I am just me, which, I think and have been told, is attractive by all reasonable standards. Actually, more than most reasonable standards. And this guy is not attractive by ANY resonable standards. If the bearded lady had sex with the Crypt Keeper which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy that led to the child having no parental love making him a sad and ugly human being it would look like this guy.



And that's really ugly. Because trust me, I've made out with some real lookers in my day, like the kind that might scare babies....and this guy, I mean seriously, match.com should institute a "NO TROLLS ALLOWED" policy STAT. So I'm officially done with them, not that I was ever really involved, but really, never logging in again. It's just depressing.



In the meantime, I will think about of what could have been.

(FYI - That isn't me. Pleated flare khaki pants? I would rather eff the troll.)

My Gift To You

If you don't think this is hysterical you suck.

7 DAYS!

I am still loving Christmas....

and yes I own this bobblehead.

OH BABY!

My sister may be popping out my little niece any day now so stay tuned....in the meantime, here is a picture of a baby that is of no relation to me.

I don't want a lot for Christmas...

My realistic Christmas list:

1. Dawson's Creek DVD's
2. New Digital Camera
3. New Clothes
4. Some fancy bath products
5. Gift Certificates
6. A new winter coat
7. My bed to finally get fixed

My unrealistic Christmas List:

1. My very own Lloyd Dobler
2. All of the NYC tourists to leave midtown
3. Bono to write a song about me
4. Bigger boobs
5. John Krasinski, Topher Grace, Zach Braff and Wentworth Miller to all propose to me at the same time. And for polygamy to be legal
6. A book deal
7. A new big girl bed

What I absolutely don't want for Christmas

1. The clap
2. To see Clay Aiken in person
3. To make out with an ugly man
4. Any more colds
5. Anything having to do with Britney Spears cooter
6. TomKat to breed anymore fake robot babies
7. Another broken bed

Sick Sucks

I've caught the plague for the third time this fall/winter. So while I would normally be out galavanting holiday style and rocking some red and green I have been reduced to something that resembles the PUS's (Poor Unfortunate Souls) in The Little Mermaid. This leaves one to wonder, why the ef do I keep getting sick? Let's evaluate my lifestyle:

1. Does weekend boozing cause illness? My answer is no. I figure that extreme amounts of vodka kill all of the bacteria/reduce infection/make me feel invicible. In no way does it leave me vulnerable to diseases (well the common cold anyway, two shots of whiskey and some poor judgement could create a whole other outcome).


2. Cigarettes? Since my illnesses have been strep throat and runny nose and only limited amount of coughing I'm gonna go with a no. But Jonesy, doesn't the FDA say that smoking causes cancer and other illnesses. I say, maybe, but they aren't causing what I have. Lighting a piece of paper mixed with dried leaves and rat poison effects me in no way. I swear. Fine, my fingers were crossed, but I really don't smoke that much anymore. Promise. Damn, caught me again! Ok, I smoke a few during the week but on the weekends it becomes a bigger habit, because you know, the booze makes me forget,

3. Boys? Ok, it's been a slow few months. With the exception of some early November cougaring. So no.

4. Being a cougar? Yes, because younger boys are less hygenic and are more prown to other hussie's cold germs. But since that was in early November I see no correlation to my sickness now.

5. Work? Offically the culprit. I spend more time with hacking, couching runny-nosed coworkers then I care to and germs spread like Britney's legs when she isn't wearing drawers. The more time I spend there the more ill I get. This blows.

O' Christmas Rules!

Only a kick ass holiday would have a drink called nog. Actually, I hate eggnog. It smells nast and I can only come to the conclusion that drinking large volume of it will make you vomit. And the color makes it look like something spoiled. Regardless of all of its obvious nastitites, it is still a popular holiday beverage. Why? Because Christmas is like the biggest kid in class. It tells all of the other holidays what to do. And if Christmas says eggnog is still part of his click than so be it. Vomit and all.