Have You Met Ms. Jones?

On my list of things I don't do anymore...

2010-03-30T23:06:00.002-04:00

is maintain this blog. BUT I have taken to creating random Tumblrs.

Like this: http://mannekenhog.tumblr.com/

Perhaps I will come back some day, but for now, I'm too busy actually living my life then spending hours divulging my innermost wierdness here.

I do miss you folks though. Maybe one day, when I'm drunk and feeling alone I'll reach out to y'all and write a post. But we all know how that will end.

Farewell.

For now.

Sort of.

Hamptons 3 - Me 0.

2009-08-18T00:13:00.004-04:00

This year's Hamptons trip was supposed to be a relaxing weekend full of cocktails and convos...and, for the most part, 'twas.

BUT, when it comes to me and the east end of LI, there will always be a very big BUT. So OK! magazine had Jessica Simpson on part of its cover last week. Apparently she went out with Ken Paves and got a little drunky and the photos were hilarious. She also cried.

Upon seeing this, I jokingly said "That sounds like Saturday." Now, I've on occasion had my clarvoyent moments, but really, this one could have predicted itself. Yes, I cried at the Drift. I wasn't really sad, nor were there any valid reasons for the tears but they would. not. stop. coming. out. of. my. eyes.

So when said crying started, I did what I do best, found a corner and hid until said crying epi passed over. DM (who is now DF cuz she got hitched) pulled out the best bandage ever to help me through. It was a magical elixir that made all of the wet drops go away. Oh yes, it was vodka and it was delish.

Anywho, it was the first time in a long time that I have gotten beer tears and lets hope its a while before they come back. Because when they start, my friends, they won't finish until they have left all of my dignity in a puddle on the floor.

And just a note: when you try and battle the Drift, the Drift will ALWAYS win.

Back In Business

2009-07-22T15:47:00.002-04:00

After a year of being a poor freelancer, I have accepted a really cool job at a really cool company. My rule is I don't write about work, but I'm super excited to get off of my bed and back in an office. Plus a steady paycheck won't hurt! Yay!

Hellllooooooooooo Pelotas!

2009-07-14T15:48:00.002-04:00

According to Google Analytics, I've gotten 11 visits from Pelotas, Brazil recently. It seems Pelotas is on the southern tip of the country, but what would I know since I've never ever been there.

Who are you? Are you one person? Or multiple people? Ha, I kid. I know you are only one person who must be really bored at work and stumbled upon this here stupid/mind-numbing/narcissistic endeavor. I'm just curious.

Besides my fan in Pelotas, I have a teeny tiny following in New York (I'm guessing this consists of Gingervision, B-Girl, Mrs. Krabbypatty and Spanish) and a few folks who end up here and leave after one second. I guess they don't like my cartoon persona. Well excuse you then, because I think cartoon Jonesy is precious. And lovely. Precious and lovely.

Anywho, I am interested in hearing from you, person from Pelotas. Please leave a comment and get in touch!

Yea, yea. I know.

2009-07-08T00:53:00.005-04:00

It's been forever since I posted. Sorry kiddos, been busy and journeyed off to Costa Rica with a friend for a week. It was interesting to say the least.

I figured my July 4th was a little more interesting and in light of Michael Jackson's demise, I will share this moment of Jonesy goodness with you.

So I went to a party at my friend LB's apartment. She lives in a SICK apartment with tons of space and a roof deck for fireworks viewing. Anywho, I decided that it would be smart to drink an entire bottle (ok, I admit, it was in a box) of sangria before 10 pm. Whoops.

So the party was fun and it got all fuzzy and stuff and my signature 4-drink slur came out, which is again, whoops.

I journeyed home and happened upon my new neighbors who moved in down the hall. They are lovely gay men who invited me and the roomies to a housewarming (which I didn't attend). They must have threatened me with a good time, because the next thing you know, I was partying down at Therapy, which is probably the most fun gay bar ever.

And besides, don't threaten me with a good time because I'll go crazy on you like that chick from Rock of Love.

And did I. Yes I did. Oh how I danced. As if angels were shooting from my jazz hands and my feet were made of jumping beans, I boogied my way around the dance floor to lord only knows what. Okay fine, I was skip jumping to "Ease on Down the Road" as if I were Diana Ross and a young, alive Michael Jackson rolled into one twenty-something wasted off sangria white chick.

Now, I left with the neighbors and came home, and they went back out (I did not). Although I did drink more wine from a box.

And that my friends, is how I celebrated the birth of our nation. God Bless the U.S.A.

In which I contemplate the career of one Ms. Julia Stiles...

2009-05-28T15:33:00.005-04:00

since I've ranted on how much I hate Julia Stiles. Since I caught a few moments of the piece of dogshit they call a movie "The Prince & Me" this weekend, I thought it might be appropriate to revisit to the topic of how much she sucks and why she has a career.

I don't know anyone who likes her or her acting. Did she sleep her way to the top? I don't think so because she is pretty fugs. Or maybe she, er, um, does things most women won't do (anal). That has to be it.

Or maybe she is like Harriet the Spy and has tons of dirt on Hollywood execs and blackmailed them into a career. That would make sense too.

Since she kind of looks 45, maybe she posed as a therapist to Hollywood honchos for a few years and then said she would expose them if they didn't cast her as a teenager who looks 40.

Or maybe she won a contest where the prize was a lifetime of starring roles.

Or maybe she found a magic lamp with a genie voiced by Robin Williams inside.

Or maybe she is good at science and made a magic potion to get people to think she is a good actress.

Or maybe...

I mean the posibilities are endless because it's impossible to explain how saomeone who sucks so hard can be famous.

B-Girl Has A Blog.

2009-05-28T15:32:00.001-04:00

Read her blog. It is funny.

http://thedeefunkera.tumblr.com/page/3

Fin.

Although this will ALWAYS be my favorite petite bebe.

2009-05-12T14:24:00.001-04:00

This little boy is brills.

2009-05-12T14:22:00.001-04:00

The Onion Takes on Trekkies

2009-05-11T00:31:00.001-04:00

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

PS This movie was really awesome.

Computers will use us for food someday.

2009-04-30T01:10:00.001-04:00

LOVE!

2009-04-23T15:45:00.001-04:00

This is what I do with my time.

2009-04-22T17:55:00.000-04:00

Quizzes Girls Games

What? Uh-Huh. Sorry.

2009-04-21T11:53:00.003-04:00

Saturday night DM got herself hitched. She looked gorg, the party was awesome. Needless to say, weddings are a fantastic opportunity to get absolutely shit-faced without embarassment because really, unless you're the bride, nobody gives a shit.

SOOOO, well, I may have possibly run my mouth off a bit and said something at (I say at because I wasn't saying it to the person's face--mind you it's the person I suspect of this ) somebody. If I did say something, I'm not totally sure what it was, but I'm betting if it actually surfaced, it wasn't my most classy of moments.

OR...since my memory is heavily impaired...this all happened in my head and I kept my mouth shut like I had planned. But knowing my track record, I most slurred with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and looked really stupid. So I guess I lose. Oh well, I'm sure if I blabbed, I meant every word. So in the end, I feel about as sorry as Gilly from SNL.

My Favorite Meme

2009-04-15T18:37:00.003-04:00

Back in 2001, I was just a week study abroad living in London. I've written about my time there before but one particular thing I learned while actually studying (yes, I did attend classes and do school work) was that the internet is full of amazing, wonderful things that will make you pidoodle your pants.

While hanging in the computer lab one night, (I believe a handful of us were working on our papers about the Black Plague for our History of London class) one of my friends, I'll call her B-Girl for all blogging purposes because she is from Bristol, CT and she likes the hip hop, asked me if I'd ever seen the mullet boy.

Now at this time, we were all obsessed with mullets and mullet culture and made a Where's Waldo tupe game out of spotting them all over the place in Europe. I had not seen the mullet boy on the internet. Cue a quick Google search and she introduced me to Michael Blount, the mullet boy and creator of the "Hello My Future Girlfriend" web site. It has since been taken down, but mirrors of it are still all over the web. You can see one here.

As you can see, it is both hilarious and haunting. We were left wanting to know more about this young mullet boy who lives in New Mexico. His coke bottle glasses called to us in the night. His mullet visited us in dreams. We wanted to PM him on Yahoo chat.

We would recite his little speech over and over. And no, it never got old.

Flash forward to April 2009. I was bored. It was late. I wanted to find the page to send out in email to make everyone remember and pidoodle themselves again. What I found was even better.

It turns out mullet boy (AKA Michael Blount) has a new website. In his "History" section, he describes the aftermath of creating the page and how he was basically harrassed for years to come. Sad but true. He also links to his MySpace page which for all purposes seems really normal. He still lives in New Mexico and now he's a grown man.

Like most people, I was wondering if little Mikey mullet had ever found his "future girlfriend" and if she did indeed, like what he sounded like. The answer is no.

Because my friends, all along, Mikey the mullet boy was really looking for his future boyfriend. That's right. According to his MySpace, the kid is into dudes. The line that made him famous is a lie. And a huge lie packed with irony.

I love the internet.

CITIZEN'S ARREST!

2009-03-20T23:02:00.001-04:00

If anyone sees Adam Lambert from American Idol, please knock him out. He is atrocious and awful. Yes, he can sing. But his general appearance is a crime against my eyes. HATE HATE HATE!

March Effing Madness

2009-03-20T22:14:00.005-04:00

BLARUGHGYIHSKJ. That's how my body feels after the severe abuse it has been taking this month. Why does March always drive me to 1) Drink insane amounts of booze and 2) Eat really bad-for-you food?

Well, I think it's partially because St. Patrick's Day has gone from being an Irish Day that happens once every mid-March to a month long drinking marathon with stops in Hoboken, Manhattan, and Westchester (although I sat this one out this year) along the way. I think this is great and all but the older you get, the less you can hang, which kind of becomes evident as the younger kids rage through the night, and I start throwing elbows at the pizza counter at 9 pm to get some carbs in mah belly.

Also, between New Years and March 1, everybody hides. People only go out in their neighborhoods or short car rides away because going out with a coat in general is just fucking annoying, let alone layering up with a thick sweater that you just end up stripping off when you get hammered. Fuck winter...spring = warm weather = booze which is < boozing outside.

Plus, after the holidays and spending money on winter vacays, people are poor, so everybody I know starts bartending in March. Which kills me because the folks I know make drinks like moonshine. Hence, I end up falling out of my elevator onto my hallway floor. I woke up the next day as looked like, as Mrs. Krabbypatty put it so eloquently, someone "Chris Browned" me. Too soon? Nah.

Then you have your NCAA tournament drinking which really, is just an excuse to get bombed during the week. Last year, I went out to an E. Village bar and ended up getting hammered while trying to pick up guys during a Duke game. Turns out they don;t really like to talk when the game is on. Whoops! This year, I created a bracket based on the names of the schools, and I'm hoping that I can strike a bond at the bar this way. Anyone know the closest Oklahoma-centric bar? (I picked them to win by accident).

Lastly, the end of this month marks the very death of my poor, innocent liver. Since DM is getting married next month, a bunch of us gals are heading to Newport, RI, for her bachelorette party. While this might seem normal to most, let me explain. After DM's shower a bunch of us went out and stayed out. Until 4 AM. People asked us if we were the bachelorette party. Kids, you ain't seen nothing yet. I wouldn't be surprised if someone ends up A) Seriously injured B) Pregnant or C) coming face to face with the entirety of their stomach contents. Let's hope none of those are me!!

Overall, March is month of drinking and being a degenerate. Which is what I seem to do best. I mean, c'mon, it may hurt, but it hurts sooooooo good.

Do I need Tough Love?

2009-03-05T02:55:00.010-05:00

So Vh1 is pimping its new show called Tough Love. In short, some douchey dating guru takes a batch of classless ladies and teaches them how to snag a man who will want them for more than one night. The commercials speak common sense to me, so I assume the show will follow suit and the only reason to watch is to laugh at these sad little disasters. Or is it? I'm not the type who goes on dates all the time or the kind of gal who can attract the type of man that would actually be a suitable match. Maybe I could take a tip since my dating life can be boiled down to two things: stalking and utter disinterest. Not on my part. See, I either meet a decent guy and he texts me 28 times in one night (this happened two weeks ago) or I like a dude and he blatantly ignores me because I have a tendency to blend into the background when I really like someone.

Let's face it. We can all improve. As the sage Kelly Clarkson sings, "I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too." I do have issues. Tons. And I'm pretty sure that most of them can be chalked up to quirks. But really, admit it men of NYC, you are pretty messed up too. Maybe I just mingle with the wrong sort. Here's what I deal with:

Species: The Beer Geek
Locations: Fratty bars where everybody has a friend who is bartending that night
Known For: Drinking crappy beer and ordering round after round of shots
Beware: This man WILL give you a hangover and cause you immense amounts of shame within your social circle.

Species: The Has-Been
Location: Your hometown, known to appear around holidays, especially the night before Thanksgiving
Known For: Being super hot in high school
Beware: This man has gone down hill since the late nineties. Most likely has a receding hair line and beer gut and quite possibly, a wife. May have tendencies to resent people who moved out of town. It is OK to reminisce, but approach with caution, as objects tend to appear younger and hotter the more drinks consumed.

Species: The Re-Run
Location: Most likely close to where you currently live
Known for: Not being a total asshole the first time around...in fact, you aren't sure why things ended
Beware: There IS a reason things ended. Even if you have good sex blinders on you will remember eventually and nobody likes a repeat offender.

Species: The One That Got Away
Locations: God only knows now.
Known for: Being perfect in every way, and even more perfect over time.
Beware: As the years pass, women develop selective memory. Just because somebody maintained their looks over time, doesn't mean they are still that same old sweetie you remember. Don't forget: It's easy to remember him bringing you flowers, especially when you don't recall the time he kicked you out of his car for puking.

Species: The Neil Patrick Harris
Locations: There's one in every crowd
Known for: Being really fun, knowing the lyrics to Britney songs, wearing a preponderance of pink shirts and never being able to find a nice girl.
Beware: If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck...it's probably gay. But be nice and try and set him up with that cute guy in your office who lets you know when Perez posts something funny.

Species: The Mickey Rourke
Locations: They resurface every so often, cause a big fuss and then fade away
Known for: Being really hot and then having a tragic downfall, like jail or rehab. But then they come back a little broken but kind of better than before.
Beware: Call Dr. Drew because homeboy will prolly relapse before you can call "dibs" on his ass.

Species: The Tool
Locations: Everywhere, like roaches, these guy will survive the nuclear holocaust
Known for: General douchebaggery
Beware: You know he's bad for you, but the other half of the bed ain't gonna warm itself. Slap yourself, pinch yourself do whatever it takes, because this will most liekly end with you crying and gaining ten pounds in "fuck him" weight.

Species: The One That's Undercooked
Locations: Most likely moved away or living somewhere married
Known for: Being really awesome and totally perfect, except he "wasn't ready for anything serious."
Beware: That whole line about not being ready for anything serious is code for you aren't the right girl. And that sucks. Balls. So don't invest any time, it's like investing in stock that you will never get a return from. Send him back so they can re-fire him and serve it to someone else.

Species: The Stalker
Locations: They dwell at night, usually between the hours or midnight and 5 am or until they pass out
Known For: Calling non-stop, especially while drunk
Beware: Sure it might be cute to have a textual flirtation but be advised: this man will not stop. Ever. So don't ever show him where you live or introduce him to your pet rabbit.

Species: The Normal Guy
Locations: Like unicorns and zero-calorie vodka, these men are mostly mythical. But when a solar eclipse occurs during a half moon on the 18th, you just might get to see one!
Known for: Being awesome, liking the your favorite sports team (Mets for me, obvs) and has general good sense to just be effing normal.
Beware: If you see one, approach with caution and make sure he knows you only come with good intentions. Do not show signs of excitement, as this may make the normal guy run for the hills, only to run away on a rainbow to swim in a chocolate river with leprechauns and Edward Cullen.

Now to be fair, I am a commitment-phobe with major Daddy issues, but at least I'm not on the pole and I'm pretty open-minded (I mean, I've given all of the described above a fair shot minus the normal one).

So do we all need Tough Love? Should we all just get a coach to tell us what to do and say? Probably not, because in the end, every pot has a lid, no matter how many times that pot has slept with your roommate.

Know of more species? Post them in the comments.

My blog is older than me in dog years.

2009-03-05T02:49:00.003-05:00

What started as a narcissistic experiment four years ago has become a narcissistic habit with ones of readers.

Yes kiddos, my blog turned four without me even remembering, which shows the growing neglect it's been receiving lately. I can say for certain that the last year of my life has been pretty effing challenging, with lots of dark spots but some pretty special bright ones as well. So without a big to do or annual re-cap, I will simply toast to this silly little blog and myself, since it's pretty much the longest I've kept anything up in my adult life.

Cheers and here's to at least one more year of stupid observations and commentary!

I'm a little late...

2009-02-26T17:41:00.001-05:00

But this is the best Oscar re-cap I've ever read. Enjoy.

Ahhh siblings...

2009-02-21T21:53:00.002-05:00

So videos of this kid have been floating around but this is by far my favorite because his little sis gets in on the action. Also, I'm pretty sure he's singing a song from Avenue Q which, might be a little age innapropriate but whatever. Still funny. Especially when he hits her to make her get out of the frame.

Kathy Griffin 2009

2009-02-20T00:57:00.003-05:00

Tonight marks my second time seeing Kathy Griffin live. Sure, some people argue that she comes down to hard on celebs and just feeds into rumors, but either way, that bitch is HIL-to the-ARIOUS!

Her targets this time:

Octomom
The Real Housewives of OC and NY
Jessica Simpson and her weight (she thinks she's fat)
Miley
"The Jonas Sisters" (amazing)
Seacrest (nothing new there)
Cher & Bette (only good things)
Her mom
Tom, her tour manager
The Schmemmys
The Grammys
Sarah Palin

And so many more I can't even think. I was laughing out loud 75 percent of the time and I slapped my knee (but not as much as when I saw Flight of the Conchords at Comix back in 2006).

Anyway, if you have an inner gay man living inside of you (like I do) you should definitely try to get tickets to one of her shows. She will offend and you will laugh, I promise.

IMG00006-20090210-2147.jpg

2009-02-10T22:00:00.001-05:00

Raise your hand if you aren't sure! Meaning not sure if you had this antiperspirant on your dress when you went on your job interview. Yes, my hand is raised. Nards.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

PSA: QUIET! PLEASE!

2009-02-02T14:05:00.006-05:00

Since last Thursday, my internet has been busted in my apartment. Due to my lack of job situation, I have to utilize the free WiFi at my neighborhood library instead of paying to work out of Starbucks (which I did one day and ended up stinking like a Colombian brew house).

I'll start this post off on a good note by saying I'm happy that the WiFi is free (or that our tax $ is covering it). Also, my branch has a great spot to sit and use your laptop, complete with power strip so my battery doesn't die.

BUT. And this is a big BUT. I recall learning that one must be quiet in a public library as not to disturb the other people doing research/reading/working. I mean, we had a library class in grade school where we learned this. My hometown had signs that reminded people to be quiet.

Apparently that is not the case at the Columbus Branch here on 10th Ave. Here are some things that have happened to me in total of 5 hours I have spent here:

1. Sat down to a woman talking to herself, loudly. Seems she and her other personalities were having a disagreement.
2. Sat across from a man working on his laptop. This would seem normal, except he was hacking up chunks of lung all over everyone.
3. Teenage/Tweenage boys sat at the public computer next to me and started to read MySpace pages out loud. At one point one started talking about this young woman's "boobs." He had obviously never touched one.
4.A young woman called her friends over to a public computer and read aloud her IM conversation. She did the voices and everything. At full volume.
5. Today, another young woman is browsing MySpace pages. People have songs on their pages. She is listening to the songs. They are bad, loud, disruptive songs.

This is just a taste. All of this goes on while I try to get my freelance assignments done so I can (maybe?) get paid and make rent without dipping into my savings. So before I go all crazy Ghostbusters library ghost on these people, I like to go with a little Carl Winslow and say to myself "Three, Two, One. One, Two, Three. What the heck is bothering me?"

It's not working. What's bothering me is the screeching of chairs and the slamming of books and bags and the bad disruptive music that this girl is listening to AS I WRITE THIS. And I have my iPod on.

Any tips on not going crazy on these people? Because I'm a few seconds from standing on my chair and screaming profanities.

If you seek gingy...

2009-01-28T00:51:00.005-05:00

London and I were bumming on the couch and I had mentioned that my friend, Gingervision, was off at the Sundance Film Festival doing some work. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Gingervision is in Sundance doing some work.

London: Oh, what kind?

Me: Photo type stuff, like trandsponding or something, I dunno what photo people do.

London: Oh, that's awesome.

Me: Yea, I'm jeal. She went to some Minnie Driver movie and saw Andrew Bernard from the Office.

London: What did she say?

Me: Oh the usual tipsy banter that occurs when you see celebs under the influence.

London: Why is she a banana?

Me: Um, huh? (thinking that that banana is like a silly word for a person who tipsily accosts celbs)

London: Why is she a banana?

Me: Huh? (Looking totally puzzled)

London: Her photo, why is she a banana?

Me: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? Her facebook photo. Oh, she was one for Halloween.

London: A banana? That's so funny! She's so funny!

Me: Yea she is.

End scene.

End incredibly lame post.

Thank You, Bonnie Hunt

2009-01-26T14:53:00.003-05:00

Ok so in my current state of employment limbo, I watch a lot of TV. Especially daytime TV. Here's my schedule.

10 am - 11 am - Good old Rach teaches me how to cook while simultanesouly annoying me senseless.
11 am - 12 am - I get my menopause fix while watching The View.
12 am - 1 pm - I usually eat lunch at this time or watch the news.
1 pm - 2 pm - All My Children or a DVR'd show.
2 pm - 3 pm - Bonnie Hunt amuses me with her stories about her mom and family. My cousin even won a caption contest on her show once.
3 pm - 4 pm - Ellen (or as I call her Elle Belle, because I have a nonsexual crush on her).
4pm - 5 pm - Oprah drops knowledge on my ass.

Do this 5 days a week, repeat with the occasional VH1 show thrown in for good measure.

I like to think I learn something new everyday, but usually I play on the internet, try to get some work done (like the last two weeks) or something while watching.

Today's Bonnie Hunt was super-meta. As I was watching the program and playing on he internet, Bonnie brought out guest Nick Malis to discuss Cute Things Falling Asleep, one of my favorite memes.

Nick went on to announce his new sister site, Cute Things Laughing. So while playing on the internet while watching TV, I learned about a new thing to play with on the internet that shows me video. I love this world.

A girl can dream...

2009-01-22T01:03:00.004-05:00

You know that song by the Pussycat Dolls. Not the awful one about buttons. Well, they are all awful, but that other one aboout the growing of the up?

I just found out the lyrics are as follows:

"When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies"

Ok. Fine and good. Too bad I've been singing it like this. Out loud. In Public.

""When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have boobies"

Cue face turning beet red.

Blahhhh....

2009-01-20T23:21:00.000-05:00

I'm really tired of seeing will.i.am on tv. Go away.

Thnks 4 the Memries.

2009-01-18T19:42:00.001-05:00

Errr...

2009-01-18T17:53:00.003-05:00

You know you've had an intersting night out when you get a text like this:

Hey, its avi the israely guy that talk to you last night. How you doing today?

And no the typos aren't mine.

No Thank You

2009-01-16T16:01:00.003-05:00

I thought this was fake, but alittle googling has proved this site to be, in fact, 100% real.

http://www.myspace.com/dennishaskinskaraoke

Mr. Belding continues to terrorize the world.

May God have mercy on all of us.

So a plane crashed in my backyard today...

2009-01-15T16:50:00.003-05:00

I live about 2 blocks away from that USAir flight that crashed into the Hudson about an hour and half ago.

So far they are reporting everyone is okay. Thank you Jebus.But it was really close to my partment and I am bugging myself out thinking "What if they hadn't landed in the water.."

This event reminded me of a book I read as a tween. "Flight #116 Is Down!" is like the most effed up tale to read as a child. You might as well read it and watch My Bloody Valentine.

Let me explain: The book is story of some chick named Heidi who lives on this sick estate with all of this land. Then a plane crash lands in her back yard and she has to deal with all the injured and dying people. You learn the passenger's stories in a Trafficky/Babelly/Crash-type way. You also get a taste of what the families are going through as they wait for the list. And I think Heidi has some love interest with like an EMT or something.

And, like, some of the good people DIE. Seriously, they make you like someone and then they DIE. And this is a book for KIDS. And it's not like kooky fiction like Harry Potter. This is like real shit that could happen (just like today).

So to author Caroline Cooney, you scarred me for life and today I have Nam-like flashbacks to your book.

Fin.

An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

2009-01-08T23:48:00.003-05:00

Dear Ms. Jolie as you like to be called because you live in sin,

Why is it you always have effing bitch face? You are effing Brad Pitt, have 9000 of his babies and have like the best life ever.

STOP LOOKING SO LES MIS PLEASE. It's rubbing off on Brad and we don't need another Billy Bob on our hands. Maybe people would stop calling you a homewrecker if you started to smile evry so often.

And why do you insist on dressing Shiloh like a boy? Take a note from Katie Holmes (never though I'd say that) and dress her like a girl please. She looks dirty like Kate Hudson's child.

Oh, and eat a morsel of something, I don't care what...just something. You look like a fucking praying mantis you maneater you.

Thanks,

Jones

FIRST POST OF 2009

2009-01-08T23:47:00.001-05:00

..........................................

Let's finish this bitch!

2008-12-31T12:32:00.005-05:00

I don't think anyone is celebrating the end of 2008 more than I am. This year, I lost my job, dog (RIP Lord G), love life and most of my optimism. I'm ready for a change.

So tonight, Carly (you remember her) is forcing me to go to Brooklyn (which is huge because I NEVER go to the BK because I mostly hate it there)to some burlesque party (aka the night of titty tassles). I won't be performing but I will be getting obscenely drunk to celebrate the demise of the worst year ever.

I'm sure I'll do something rediculously stupid or awkward if it's a good night.

I wish you all a safe and drunk New Year. Have one for Jonesy!

Best thing about being unemployed

2008-12-28T21:53:00.001-05:00

Best thing about being unemployed is being able to take off as long as I want for the holidays. Have fun at work tomorrow suckers.

Which is worse?

2008-12-18T15:12:00.002-05:00

I was recently contacted vis facebook by a guy I hooked up with 7 years ago. In Switzerland. While studying abroad. Who I only knew for 4 days. He's kids of being stalkery and sending me messages, but he only has the nicest of things to say. But really, offering me a plane ticket to visit you in Canada right after getting back in touch is a bit frightening.

On the otehr hand, when there is a guy I actually have interest in, I get ignored. Like blatantly. Oh sure, there is the awkward moment or signal here or there, but nothing ever happens and I'm always left wanting more.

So which is worse? Being stalked because somebody thinks you are amazing when you probably don't feel the same way? Or having feelings for someone who either has no idea you exist or could care less how you feel?

I'm not sure.

Little Girl Dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies

2008-12-18T15:10:00.001-05:00

This child dances better than I do. Get on with your bad self!

Best. Cartoon. Ever.

2008-12-10T18:40:00.001-05:00

When I was little I used to get so excited when this came on Disney. I love the Cookie Carnival.

First, itr's food that sings and dances.

Two, the rum cakes are drunk.

Three, the Jello lady shakes her boobs.

Amazing.

This reminds me of being a kid....

2008-12-10T18:38:00.001-05:00

I used to love this cartoon. They just don't make them like they used to. And hwo cute are these singing hats! Enjoy!

Intolerable Cruelty

2008-12-10T18:28:00.005-05:00

Why do they air commericals fore beverage mecca Sonic and $5 buffet CiCi's in Manhattan.

1. Neither of these exist here. Nor does Friendly's. Or Chuck E. Cheese. Manhatty is barren of the deliciousities.

2. 90% of the people in Manhattan down own cars so they can't drive the 70-90 miles to get to one of these establishments.

3. Besides myself, most people don't desire such things as a Kiwi Limeade drink with round ice cubes or a $5 pizza pasta salad bar. So really, nobody watching really cares.

Point moot. So please stop torturing me with these tittalating commercials showing cheese and burgers and milkshakes with candy bar bits. It's mean. My inner fat girl beseeches you to stop this. And my outer appearences thanks these places for not coming to Big Apple because she has recently shed 15 pounds (Yay Unemployment!) and would like to stay on the smaller side. K Thnks.

'Tis the season...

2008-12-08T18:02:00.003-05:00

The Chirstmas season is here so that means I have my partypants on and I'm ready to rumble. With some sort of event every other day this week my liver may have to start phoning it in while I drink water.

This past Saturday was Merry Thanksgivingmas. As prrof of my age and level of responsibility, I sent myself home right around the time I started browning out (meaning I vaguely remember some of the stuff, not a full visit to the BOC). But I was kissing random boys on the cheek, which I'm sure, scared them senseless. Yet again, the boozing scares boys.

In other news, I HAVE A NEW PHONE. For the past year I've been plagues with problems because I had a crappy Motorola RAZR. I've now upgraded to the BlackBerry Storm, since iPhones are so 2007.

So Seasons Greetings kiddos. Have a pint for your dear Jonesy when you are out and fellas, if you;re lucky, that girl smooching you on the cheek just might be me!

A Friendly PSA: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE

2008-11-30T16:28:00.004-05:00

In the early 1990s, my sister and I used to snuggle and watch USA's night time program "Up All Night." They had a big boobied host who would show crappy B-movies. One night, at around 11 pm, we tuned in to see they were airing "My Bloody Valentine" a 1981 horror film about mass murders in a mining town.

We did not live anywhere near miners, coal and/or killers, but I assure you, that movie scared the Jebus out of us. To this day, we cannot year the song "My Funny Valentine" without getting scared. The sight of a pick axe gives me goose bumps. For years, we have made jokes of this movie and how scary it is just to cover up the fact that sometimes at night we still remember how effing scared we were.

FOR SHAME LIONSGATE! How could you do this to us! Make a re-make of the movie that has forever made me a scaredy cat. And who do you cast? JACK FROM DAWSON'S CREEK! WTF? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?

And how do you shoot the movie? IN 3 EFFING D!!!! No, it wasn;t scary enough the first time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you had to go and make it way scarier. Lionsgate, you are just mean and cruel and I hate you.

So please, I urge you all. Do not attempt this cinematic adventure. You will only regret it FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

"The Century Plant"

2008-11-29T22:56:00.005-05:00

Best part about the Twilight movie? Fritzy from the movie Camp is in it. Oh, wait. Have you not heard of Fritzy or Camp? Oh, then you obviously aren't a gay man or an unemployed blogger with too much time on her hands.

Fritzy sabotages a girl at her show tunes camp so she can sing a song from Company:

Here is a taste:

Here's more...

And then the real tour de force. I present the strangest song ever:

You're Welcome.

If you needed any other incentive to vote....

2008-11-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

http://perezhilton.com/2008-11-03-the-best-voting-gift-of-all

My liver is starting to train tomorrow.

2008-10-29T19:55:00.002-04:00

Just realized the 2009 NYC marathon will be the day after Halloween. It's the perfect storm of partying. Yay! Crap.

This is why breast feeding scares me.

2008-10-29T12:16:00.001-04:00

I wish I had an element bring me a cupcake.

2008-10-27T15:06:00.001-04:00

Instead I'll settle for the cartoon.

http://www.strindbergandhelium.com/

Oh hai.

2008-10-27T14:56:00.002-04:00

DM told me she missed my blog. One would think that in my state of unemployment I would have tons to write about but no, not in my case. I'm bored and all I do is watch TV and stalk the internets for jobs.

In an attempt at a post, here are a few things I've learned since getting the ax.

1. No matter how old you are, it is not okay to fart loudly in public. (Hear that old man who butt trumpeted in Central Park?)
2. Barack Obama was an angsty teen who drank and did drugs and played basketball. Sounds like many people I know so it makes him a little bit cooler in my book.
3. Degrassi is addictive and ridiculous and I love it, even if it is Canadian.
4. Spending a month watching every episode of That 70s show just to finally see the finale (which you will then remember you have seen before) can be fun, but not many people will share your enthusiasm.
5. Without booze, birthdays in your 20s suck.
6. The one place where all people are equal is the New York State Unemployment Office.
7. The price of good cheese is high, and worth every penny.

So keep your fingers crossed kiddies. Maybe if I get a job my life will become interesting enough to actually write about again.

I bet you feel like Sean & Jayden...

2008-09-18T21:12:00.002-04:00

all neglected and shizz. Sorry people. The whole losing a job thing blows serious cheese. I've been freelancing for a bit but that ends tomorrow and I will be back in business with WAY too much time on my hands. So get PSYCHED for more of my random dribbles of awesometudity.

Anywho, Q has a job. And a blog. That she actually updates. So start checking out gingervision.blogspot.com. She's a hoot and she has pretty big hooters. You will enjoy.

Also, I'm most likely going to be starting another blog, an even more awesome one that actually makes sense and isn't about my personal life so get psyched for that too. You'll know more when I get off my ass and work on it.

In the meantime, start slow clapping, like one clap every 4 hours. By the time you get to a full applause I will post something worthwhile.

IT'S A GIRL!

2008-09-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

Spanish & Homer have brought a beautiful baby girl into the world! Yay! I haven't met her yet, but I've seena photo and she's just lovely!

ANTM: More than one transgendered contestant?

2008-09-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

Or does Marjorie from the new cycle of ANTM kind of look like Bastian from The Neverending Story?

Exhibit A

http://www.alicia-logic.com/capspages/caps_viewall.asp?titleid=67

Exhibit B

http://www.tvguide.com/tvshows/americas-model/photos/100032/2

I wish I had a screencap to further my case.

Laborious Labor

2008-09-03T16:31:00.004-04:00

Spanish is in labor right now. She is trying to birth the child that she and Homer created, that I have fondly called baby Beer for the past 8 months.

Wish her luck. She's been feeling this since early in the AM, the poor thing.

In honor of this great event, I am debating what this child will now be referred to on the blog. Hanish? Spomer? Or something else entirely? Don't judge. I need to distract myself while I await the news of this new addition!

Dear Prison Break,

2008-09-03T16:31:00.001-04:00

I love you again.

Love,

Me

I'm a Libra but my scales are always tipping.

2008-08-25T21:02:00.003-04:00

I was hopeful when I turned 26. Thought this year would finally bring everything I've been working/praying for.

Started out on a shitty note with an experience that was just a little shy of heartbreak. Then, the corporate stars aligned and I got promoted. Yay!

I started working with a co-worker who seemed to have some sort of vendetta against me from another life. Then, hooray, my nephew was born! Another reason to celebrate!

Then, I got really drunk at a friend's bachelorette and fell down, skinning my knee and elbow. Boo. At the end of June, I took a vacation just to clear my head and get things done around the house. Yay for time off...oh wait, shouldn't this be awesome?

Day three of vacation, find out my job no longer exists. Three days later, find out my dog is dying and is going to be put to sleep. A week later, find out that promised freelance work is a glorified internship and I'm stuck with 21-year-olds for two months.

I think it's time for my scales to tip up, not to put me on a high, just to make me balanced, the way I like, and apparently need, to be.

So can someone out there make something slightly good happen to me? Like a job or a new crush (although that heartbreak earlier in my 26th year has come back to haunt me--I'm a glutton for punishment) or anything like that? Pleeeeeeeeaaaseeeeeeeeee?

The Bard is rolling over in his grave.

2008-08-21T15:21:00.002-04:00

I attempted to watch the 2000 version of Hamlet, the one with a less-hungry/cracky looking Ethan Hawke. About 2 minutes in I was disturbed/vomity/pissed when they showes a flash of none other than J.S. as Ophelia.

She continues to ruin my life, one play/movie at a time.

Congrats!

2008-08-15T14:43:00.004-04:00

Q got a new job! After bringing her into the company at my last job, I felt bad when we were all laid off four months later. Read about it here.

Now chickadees, what am I going to do with myself? I've got a freelance gig for now which is helping to keep me off unemployment. Hopefully OMG EW THERE WAS JUST A BIG BUG ON MY BED GROSS my dream job is right around the corner and the will recognize my talent and hire me immediately. The reality: I'll be stuck doing freelance for a long time since not too many people are hiring and competition is stiff and I really don't think I'm that good at this life anyway so maybe I should consider something else.

And that's my Debbie Downer post of the day. Wa Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm not trying to be sensitive...

2008-07-29T17:33:00.002-04:00

but you would think they would at least wait until all the recently laid off employees finished up their assignments and left the building before putting new name tags up...

Thus ends my magazine career...for now. In other news, I've become a recent alcoholic due to the whole I'm freelancing so I can go to work looking like a hot mess idea...oops.

Great Moments in IM Coversations:

2008-07-24T16:15:00.003-04:00

Q is meeting someone who has a job in journalism (unlike us since we both got canned like Spam) for a beer (yes, I edited the convo):

me: get him to get you a job
show him your boobs

Q: hahaha

Q: im serious
tell him he tweak a nip when you get a job

Q: HAHAHAHAHA
you're bad

Q: ugh what should i wear

me: tassles

Q: party pasties

me: not party
but like maybe you have preppy pasties?
posh pasties?

Q: lily pulitzer ones

me: WORD

Q: pulitzer pasties

me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

2008-07-02T00:56:00.002-04:00

My magazine folded today. I am officially unemployed. PLEASE HELP! The thought of moving in with my mom, sister, bro-in-law and baby niece is a little too Full House for me. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

My computer

2008-06-10T15:40:00.002-04:00

is pretty much broken and I can't blog at work...so no new posts until that gets fixed sorry.

And I have a good one about me going back to gym and everything.

Booze bags are not sexy

2008-05-12T11:47:00.003-04:00

Just remembered that I was drinking straight from a huge bottle of Magner's Cider on Saturday night. I think that totally negates my awesome blowout and adorable outfit. I think I scared boys.

Sigh.

2008-05-08T15:07:00.003-04:00

I know I've been kind of absent lately, but I'd rather spend my time living life and creating rediculous things to post rather than half-assing it. I promise, I'll be back soon.

For all my Westchester Peeps

2008-04-29T23:38:00.003-04:00

Demon Magic

2008-04-16T10:48:00.001-04:00

I almost peed myself.

"Pack your bags we leave tonight!"

2008-04-15T23:51:00.005-04:00

There are four things I will always remember about 2003.

1. I graduated college.
2. I went toVegas for the 1st time.
3. The blackout in NYC.
4. Paradise Hotel on Fox.

For those of you who don't know about the hotel, this should give you a good idea. The theme song was even like crack. "Two tickets to paradisseeeeeeeeeee, pack your bags we leave toniiight!" (yes I know that's a real song). Anywho, it was on lke 2-3 times a week, kind of like Big Brother so the season flew by.

So anyway, at the end of the season, the announcer comes on and says something like: "STay tuned for the next season of Paradise Hotel...you never know what will happen..."

And I waited. I figured like Temptation Island (awesome!) and Joe Millionaire (slurp sounds!), Fox would jump on the chance to make another edition of this quasi-hit.

And I waited. And waited some more. I reminisced about scary man-lady Toni, Zack and Amy's relationship and how hot Beau was. I bitched about the end result. And then I gave up.

I nearly peed myself when I found out that this reality gem would finally bring us a sequel...4.5 years later and on the bootleg channel, my9.

So far, things have been pretty standard, sex, booze, annoying peopleand reality all-stars (RYAN!). Then I watched last night's epi. They hinted they were bringing in a former contestant, I figured it was one of the folks they booted this season. Then the big reveal...IT WAS ZACK! FROM SEASON ONE! THE GUY WHO GOT AN EARLY BOOT BECAUSE HE WAS A JACKASS AND THEN GOT BOOTED AGAIN FOR MAKING THREATS OF VIOLENCE!

And he looked well, um, er, haggard? I remind you that this is years in the making. The new kids are all young, jacked and tan. Zack has crows feet at the age of 28 he is obvi the oldest one there. And while he seems to have bonded with Mikey over the fact that he lost Tonya the same way he was once kicked off, he seems to be siding with the Newbies, including super-tits Stefanie. Gross.

Zack, don't let me down!!!! I want an OG to win this time! Also, next week it looks like the shizz is going down! And dear my9, please put this show on more than once a week. We have at least two-three months left, please don't drag it out and make me listen to Amanda's fake accent anymore or Myrna's PAINFUL voice.

Ugh, this show is great. Watch it. It's TV at it's absoute worst, yes worse than the Hill. But it's fantastic.

Idol Giveth and Idol Taketh Away

2008-04-11T00:02:00.002-04:00

First Perry and his cunty girlfriend now Michael Johns. From now on I'm rooting for shitty people on reality shows since they seem to be the ones who win. I want effing recounts considereing I couldn't even get through to vote for Michael. Idol Gives Back? ERRONEOUS!

I'm an auntie again! My

2008-04-05T14:12:00.001-04:00

I'm an auntie again! My sister have birth this morning to a baby boy!

That really hurt and it's still hurting.

2008-04-04T16:30:00.001-04:00

I want a British baby!

Apparently I'm moving to Canada.

2008-04-04T12:43:00.003-04:00

REALLY AMERICA? HOLLY?

ugh. Reality TV hurts my brain.

Perry, you are my Supermodel. Always.

If I could...meet famous people.

2008-04-02T23:53:00.005-04:00

Another installation of an If I could. Since I'm lazy, here is a list a famouses I would like to meet.

Famouses I want to meet since I think we could be BFF

Kelly Clarkson
Sophia Bush
Jenna Fischer
Tina Fey
Katherine Heigl
Neil Patrick Harris

Famouses I want to meet out of sheer interest

SJP - Does she really look like a foot as Family Guy suggests?
James Van Der Beek (I want to measure his forehead and lick his Dawsony face-just to say I did)
Renee Zellweger - I want to pry that bitches eyes open.
Ellen Pompeo is only to feed her
Christina Ricci - I want to know if she really did it with Justin in Black Snake Moan (SHIT LOOKED REAL!)
Elizabeth Taylor - I want to hear her howl in real life!
Elliot Yamin - to decide, once and for all, if we ever did have a drunk makeout sesh.

FILF (in no particular order)

Christian Bale
Perry from Make Me a Supermodel (I count him as famous since I think he's gonna make it big!)
Lenny Kravitz
Michael Johns (same reason as Perry)
Shia La Beouf
Channing Tatum
John Krasinski
Clooney
Pitt
Damon
Robbie Williams
Vince Vaughn (with 2 condoms)
Joel McHale
James Marsden

Famouses I'd like to meet if I was assured that I could get away with justifiable homicide

Julia Stiles

If he doesn't win I'm moving to Canada.

2008-04-02T23:39:00.002-04:00

I'm not talking about a political candidate. I'm talking about hotty hot hotterson, Perry, on Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel.

How psyched am I to see el senor en FUEGO reunite with his slutastic (ex?) girlfriend (who probably still smell of Adnan juice)? It's like reality TV Christmas (think the finale of Joe Millionaire Season 1 mixed with the bizarre pleasure of watching Toni on Paradise Hotel Season 1 and a splash of a Flavor of Love naming ceremony).

If either member of Bronnie wins I will pack my knives and go. Srsly.

Denise Fleming is a Tampon (and other things that have made women crazy).

2008-04-01T22:56:00.004-04:00

Okay, I've just about had it with men calling women crazy. I will be the first to admit. Yes. We bitches be crazy. But the reason why? Dudes. Men. Guys. Boys. Anything with a peen.

Would Carrie have flipped off the deep end if that guy hadn't faked being her date at the prom? No.

Would Denise Fleming have become a freaky loner if it weren't for Kenny Fisher bad-mouthing her?

Would Whitney have become a crack whre without Bobby? (Kiss My Ass!)

Would Britney have gone bonkers if it weren't for the loss of K-Fed (okay, sort of debatable since she's kind of clinical).

You get the idea.

I am going to use myself as a prime example. I am normal. Seriously, as normal as they come. I'm kind of known for it. Sure, I stress and have insecurities an whatever but I think pretty rationally and have been known for my normalcy. I'm actually pretty fun to be around most of the time (especially when there is booze-yay!).

Then something happens. Add a guy into the mix, nay, and asshole guy into the mix. All of a sudden my clothes start ripping and a giant green monster named Lou Ferigno takes over and I become The Incredible Bitch.

The Incredible Bitch's triggers include but are not limited to:
1. Insult
2. Neglect
3. Lack of orgasms
4. Blatant disregard for feelings/apathy
5. Mind fucking

Her talents include:
1. Introducing herself to every skeleton in your closet
2. Anger fucking
3. Facebook stalking

Also a factor: birth control. Mix that with a douchebag being douchey and The Incredible Bitch will CUT YOU!

Luckily, I have been able to supress this inner entity for quite some time (with some minor facebook stalking offenses) since, sadly I have been without any jerk stores in my life (yay!).
The monster is lying dormant right now, and with the spring coming, my search for a new crush in full force, and assholes aplenty in Manhattan, I fear for this fair city.

So boys, let this be a warning. You are the reason we get the crazies from time to time. Stop. Being. Such. Dicks.

Pot/Kettle

2008-04-01T22:53:00.002-04:00

Barbara Walters hosting a special about old people living to be well, older...a little self serving don't you think?

WHAT THE EFF?

2008-03-31T22:35:00.003-04:00

Is going on with The Bachelor? Why is this still on? Wouldn't you think the like .2% success rate would turn people off?

And what is with the girl with "the meeps." In my world, that's called Tourette's.

BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-31T17:03:00.002-04:00

What is it about Moms and their obsession with their daughter's weight? I obviously instigated this one but please note the twist.

------ Forwarded Message
From: Mom Reply-To:
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 2008 16:58:08 -0400
To: Jonesy
Subject: RE: Vacation

You look great! Just keep eating healthy. Mom

Some of you...

2008-03-31T16:19:00.002-04:00

might be wondering where I've gone. I'm still here but have been very busy rying to relax (if that makes any sense).

In the mean time, I will have you know I had a dream in which I bedded an Iranian guido. If anyone can clue me into the deeper meaning of this you win a secret prize.

(FYI: The secret prize is nothing).

Talk to you soon when I have more to say.

Goya Oh Boya!

2008-03-19T22:36:00.004-04:00

So all in all, I had about an hour of free time in Chicago. I decided to see some sights. I had heard a lot about one particular thing.

"The face of Chicago has changed overnight. With the grand opening of the 475 million dollar Millennium Park July 16th, and the unveiling of the newest and most striking public sculpture, Cloudgate, all guidebooks were instantly rendered obsolete. That's because artist Anish Kapoor's Cloudgate, already lovingly referred to by Chicagoans as "The Bean," is a sensational, 110-ton, highly polished steel monolith shaped like a kidney bean that draws you to it with its ever-changing reflections of the city skyline, surrounding park and, of course, your own, elusive mirror-image - harder to find than you think." source

I saw the bean and took some artsy photos...

Then, in a moment of pure immaturity, I started cracking up (mind you I was by myself) and took this.

Yes, I flicked the bean.

Spotted: Top Chef's Gail Simmons

2008-03-18T22:16:00.001-04:00

Spotted: Top Chef's Gail Simmons on my eight from chicago. Pretty face. Skinny legs. Big ass' seemed very nice to the person she was talking to.

Did she forget her red shirt?

2008-03-18T21:45:00.002-04:00

God bless america.

Ho-tel, Mo-tel, Holiday Inn....

2008-03-16T23:27:00.002-04:00

Hotel living suits me. As I write this, I just showered with expensive toiletries at hand (Crabtree & Evelyn), my clothes are hung up and ironed in my closet, I'm drnking a cup of fershly brewed tea and getting ready to go to bed at 10:30 pm.

Looks like Chicago has aged me into my forties and it agrees with me, I look fab.

On the other hand, I almost slipped when I got into the shower and I realized that if I fell and died, no one would find me until Tuesday when I'm supposed to check out. Whoever found me would see all of my naked lady parts. Even in death I'm still modest.

So I got out and rested my cell phone on the floor next to the tub just in case.

Being single sometimes blows. But at least I smell like delicious Crabtree & Evelyn products (although I've never seen anyone under the age of 40 shop there...shit!).

More on my Chi-town trip when I return. And no, I did not get to hang with the former crush and put an end to my lust. Figure I wouldn't keep leading you on there. Unlike some people I know.

Sadists

2008-03-14T21:50:00.002-04:00

I love how the post wih the most comments ever is the one in which a man masturbates on my leg/butt.

You are all gross.

Yay for Friday in Lent!

2008-03-14T20:09:00.003-04:00

Every Friday in Lent means it's pizza day! I order pizza for dinner every week!!

I just ordered (I will not disclose how much pizza) and then I realized, I forgot to order my grape soda. If you have not tried it, pizza and a grape soda is the best combo EVER!!!

Luckily, I have a cherry coke stored in the fridge! Yay for Fridays in Lent!

Is that an 8-ball in your pocket, no, it's your peen.

2008-03-14T00:14:00.002-04:00

On the subway with Q on Tuesday. Packed rush hour train. I only had her to hold on to and some man leaning on me. I felt something poking my butt/thigh repeatedly. Then I realized the train wasn't moving.

I still feel filthy.

Babysitter's Club: A PSA

2008-03-13T23:40:00.004-04:00

As many of you know, my first job was as the friendly neighborhood babysitter. I love kids, always have, always will. I love that they are little people that have their own sense of logic. Word got out at how awesome I was and my client base would make Kristy from the BSC cry to Maryanne.

Now, part of my awesome extended from the fact that I knew how to have fun with kids but still kept them in check (I am not afraid to distribute a time out). I mean, I was 14 and the kid had to be in bed by 8 pm so I could watch friends.

There was one family I grew really close with and I watched their son from the age of 6 months until he was around 6 or 7 (would have been longer but I went away to school). In those years, I was around for the birth of his sister and I met all of his friends and would watch other kids in his neighborhood.

He was adorable. A perfect little Irish kid who was sweet and precocious at the same time. We got along famously and I watched him grow from Barney to Power Rangers to the early Harry Potter books. We spent a lot of time together (including one whole summer when I was 15) and I have many stories.

Here's where my public announcement comes in. When he was about three, he started to potty train. I was elated because it meant no more poopy diapers for me to change. So you can imagine I was excited when I arrived one day and his mom told me that he was going on the toilet! Yay!

That morning, his mom left and I put on the TV while I set out some coloring books for us. My little man told me he was going to use the big boy potty so I took a break from coloring Cookie Monster to catch up on a soap for a few. Mind you, the bathroom is four feet from where I was. Five minutes later I hear his angelic voice exclaim, "I'M FINISHED!" Since he was new to the whole potty thing, I clapped and shouted a supportive "Good for you! Yay!" and continued to watch my stories. Two more minutes go by.

"I'M FINISHED!"

I gave another supportive yell and some more applause.

A few more minutes go by: "JONESY! I'M FINNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!"

Lightbulb. "Um, do you need help?"

I open the door and homeboy is chilling on the bowl, little legs dangling. "I'm finished," he said like I was supposed to do something. What his mom had neglected to tell me was that while he could drop a deuce on the big boy bowl, he had yet to master the art of the wipe. He had been shouting for me to wipe his ass. Since I had been doing that since he was a baby, I had no problem helping but I couldn't understand how someone would teach their kid to poop and not show them the wiping process. Like really, they go hand in hand! Needless to say, I learned my lesson and from then until he learned how to use TP, I was on hand when he needed his heiny wiped.

Sadly, this was not the last time this would happen to me. I was a camp counselor for years. My first year, I had self-sufficient 12-14 year-olds (including Spanish's sister!). My second year, I had kids going into first grade, most of whom were five or six. We hung around most of the day with the kids in Kindergarten (my sister was the head counselor in that group). By this time, my teenage alcoholism had set in and my sister and I (and 90% of the rest of the counselors) would roll into work everyday hungover. On those days (everyday), we would ask for movie time, which meant air conditioning and quiet for an hour. On this particular day, I was exhausted and movie time was lodged between lunch and swim time. This meant that after the movie, every single kid had to pee. I took my kids to the bathroom. One of the quietest and sweetest kids went in and immediately farted. I knew she was going to poo. We were in the bathroom for fifteen minutes. After asking her about five times if she had needed help, she finally said, yea, I think I'm done. I asked her to open the door so the next girl could go.

As if she were the Queen of Sheba, she swung open the door (still sitting on her throne) and said "I need you to wipe my heiny first."

Now, when you work with little kids at a licensed summer camp there are STRICT rules about touching kids. Especially when you are alone with them. I feel bad, because I laughed at this girl in the face while I sent my CIT (who was nearby with the girls who were waiting) to get some baby wipes from my sister. I took one and realized that there was no reason I should have to do this. I didn't really know her parents well (not like I was the trusted family babysitter or had ever changed her diaper). So I did the only thing I could think of. I held the babywipe up to my shorts and acted out how she should wipe. I taught the girl to wipe her ass through effing mime.

So parents and future parents of America, I implore you. PLEASE TEACH YOUR KIDS TO WIPE BEFORE LEAVING THEM IN THE CARE OF AN UNSUSPECTING TEENAGER. Thank you.

Everyone Was Doing It

2008-03-10T20:40:00.001-04:00

The Wild Rose

Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLD)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

Your exact female opposite:

The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

Always avoid: The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The Vapor Trail (RBLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating
My profile name: : mags101681

I'm the same as her.

UR SECRETZ. I KNOWS DEM.

2008-03-10T17:01:00.000-04:00

I know someone who has something in common with Eliot Spitzer. Ass.

You lika the Perry?

2008-03-09T19:42:00.002-04:00

So apparently the folks who surf the interwebs are fans of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel and the drama with his girlfriend. Ever since I posted some stuff about it, traffic has spiked. So here I am, mentioning it again, in hopes that some of you who visit for the info like the blog and continue to read. If you don't, suck it.

So it turns out I was wrong, that she didn't leave him a voicemail and they actually spoke on the phone. BUT when he called her back after hanging up on him, she totally hit "IGNORE" and sent his ass to voicemail. She was probable too busy grooming Adnan's face pubes.

I'm excited to see how the drama unfolds, but Perry, if you ever read this, please get in touch. Your fine ass deserves way better!

An Open Letter: To the girlfriend of Perry on Make Me a Supermodel

2008-03-06T19:32:00.003-05:00

It's Jonesy Bitch.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? According the the interwebs, you got caught up with Adnan, yes Britney's nasty BF with the flavor savor soul patch.

Supposedly, on tonight's epi, you will leave Perry a cryptic message and dump him.

WHAT! ADNAN! Do you have brain trauma? Does Adnan have a platinum cock covered in chocolate?

Perry is hot. He is what men should be. Hot, a little gay, and just HOT!

I think you should go hang out with Julia Stiles. Maybe you two want to make a suicide pact?

Fuck you and you're trying to be famous ways.

My past still haunts me. I confess: I was a cheerleader.

2008-03-06T18:58:00.007-05:00

Yes, it's true. There was a time when running around in nothing more than midriff-bearing tops and teeny skirts made me happy. I loved poms. I owned Kappa sneakers. I took private gymnastic lessons. I carried a megaphone. I suffered injuries (and think I have the early signs of an arthritic knee and wrist). There were no qualms about wearing warm up suits. I did spirit fingers and made rock and roll signs with my hands. Sponge curlers are a useful hair styling tool and I know how to use them. Never dropped a Spirit Stick and yes, I brought it on.

Okay, so it's out there. I started in the 4th grade and was hooked. It was girly and it was fun and by 5th grade, I was a captain and my sister was my coach (At the time, I didn't think one thing had to do with the other, now it's sort of obvious, although I was pretty damn dedicated). We cheered during the fall for boys basketball and in the winter we competed. Hard core. We didn't mess.

By high school, Spanish and I were all but drafted as freshman onto the varsity squad. Our talent was sort of benched for year since we were the newbies but we went to Nationals, hit the big blue mat, and watched the seniors choke. Whatever, we had three more years. Oh, and we weren't allowed to cheer for the boys school since they had thrown condoms at squads in the past. We cheered for the girls basketball team.

Sophmore year, at one point, I had to tumble five times in our routine. I coined the term "backheadspring" since would sort of flop over on my head and stand up. I'm sure I had concussions and looking back, I am thankful I never broke my neck. Nationals again, we were better this time but not good enough.

Junior year, at this point, most of my friends were on my team. Coincdentally, I hated the rest of our team. Florida again. More choking. I got in trouble for flirting with ugly male cheerleaders. It was retarded and we sort of sucked. But we got new uniforms. I remember this because I had a 22 inch waist a 6-pack at the time. Ha! I became the girl who showed up in her uniform reeking of ciggies.

Senior year, Spanish and I defected to an All-Star team. At this point I was sticking with it for college and secretly wanted to be a coach/instructor. We got uniforms that showed our stomachs. We had a fat girl on our team. That was mean. At one point, I slept through the SAT II's because I was awake from a practice and was stressed about a competition the same day. I drove in a blizzard, visit several doctors for my wrist injury, and finally got on a squad that didn't choke. We rocked every competition. Until nationals, when due to an injury that happened 5 minutes before we hit the mats, Spanish's base couldn't really perform well. Boo. I hung up my shoes that day. Literally, on my wall.

There were camps (retarded because I could never find a place to smoke) and clinics and bake sales and pep rallys. I loved it. Until it stopped being fun. By college I was done and I just wanted to drink and smoke. I went to a meeting to see what our team was about. They didn't compete and they sucked so I bailed. Although, if I knew then what would happen to my teeny taut body then what I know now I would have slapped the smile on and picked up the poms.

Okay, all that boring shit aside, I stumbled on this website yesterday and found this:

REALLY? How old are these kids, 5, maybe 6? And the kid bellys are in full effect ('cept for my girl in the middle, she's ripped!). Full makeup and hair too! Since when is something that requires extreme agility, strength, and flexibility, a training camp for TEENY WHORES?

If you look at pic of me when I was 9, my skirt is clearly down to my knees. Our tops were sweater material. Not all this silver polyester sparkle and baby belly. This just makes me angry. My mom would NEVER let me rock this gear. I hope these poor kids don't lose their viriginty under the bleachers after the big game.

I pray I have only sons.

I'm in love.

2008-03-05T11:01:00.001-05:00

Oh. Dear. God.

2008-03-04T15:29:00.001-05:00

I just found out I am landing in Chicago during the middle of their St. Patrick's Day parade. My hotel is a few blocks from the route. HELP ME!

We're 3!

2008-03-02T18:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday marked the 3rd anniversary of this here little blog. What started as an experiment (and still sort of is) has turned into a way for me to rant, gossip, and flat out bitch about goings on--from everyday to the celebrity.

Anyway, this is a thanks to those of you who read these, however frequent or infequent, however whiny or funny. I hope I've given you at least a few minutes distaction frm your day job.

Here's to another year, more drunk rediculousness and maybe even some quality peen (for me, not for you).

Cheers! And Godspeed (I love saying this and can never find an approproate moment, so eff it, it's going here.).

Happy Fake St. Pat's!

2008-03-02T18:34:00.002-05:00

It's officially drinking season! With more phony St. Patrick's Days (hoboken, Belmar, Jersey City, White Plains and finally NYC), March Madness and the impending spring, people are finally coming out of their winter cocoons for their love of the drink.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 7:30 AM to haul ass to Hoboken. This is earlier then I wake up for work everyday by over an hour. That right there speaks volumes.

I got into the 'boken at around 9:15, went to DM's apartment for a quick bagel and then we walked to wait on line. The bar opened at 11, we were on a line that went halfway down the street by 10:15. As we were waiting, I jokingly wondered out loud what would happen i the bar finally opened and we were still stuck online.

And that's exactly what happened. Thanks to a fire marshall, the bar went to one and one by 11:05. It took in total, 2 hours and 45 minutes for me to get my first drink. Although, I do give them credit for having the least crowded bar (when you needed a drink you got one within minutes) area and places for us to actually sit down. The wait was a blessing in disguise, because when the drinks started to flow they flowed fast. Cider went down in minutes and Bud Lights in even less time.

And then we made the crucial error that we always make. Leaving the fun to find more fun. The group split and we all ended up at different parties. When we finally all reunited (to meet at another bar which had a line so I went home) to find that none of us had had as much fun as we did earlier that day. But the day was still a success as I got drunk, witnessed an arrest straight out of cops, and ended up mking a poor food choice (and subway choices, for some reason I got off the Path at Christopher Street when I live in Hell's Kitchen??).

And the best part, since we were out so early, I was in bed by 11 pm. I woke up at 9 am fresh as an Irish rose. Gotta love St. Pats--whether they are real or fake!

The drunkest guy in all of Hoboken yesterday

2008-03-02T18:29:00.003-05:00

Sorry it's sideways.

South Bea-yotch

2008-02-26T00:14:00.003-05:00

I love you Nick Swardson.

Eerie

2008-02-25T22:52:00.001-05:00

I just found this old post. It's messed up in more way than one. I'm effing clairvoyant.

Something a little cheery after that last post...

2008-02-25T22:29:00.002-05:00

This ALWAYS makes me chuckle:

http://www.xsunderground.com/thechilde/

But this is totally the type of guy I was referring to in the previous post.

The Guythagorean Theorem

2008-02-25T21:36:00.005-05:00

In an email conversation with DMBMeg, we wondered why it's always the lame guys that like us the most. Sure someone awesome will want to diddle me every so often, but it's always the lamest, weeniest possible people who want to date me. The kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve and tells you what an "amazing person" you are. The kind of guy that cuddles. The kind of guy that wants you to take the lead in the bedroom ALL THE TIME. The kind that isn't really funny, doesn't have much personality...kind of like the Whitney Port of guys. In a sense, a big weenie.

I am totally his type.

I have a theory that when it comes to strong and independent minded women, manly men just stay away. It's like we are a threat to their machismo. Sure they can think we are hot and want to bone us but the second we assert ourselves and say what we want we get put on the shelf.

It's like Type-A doesn't mesh with another Type-A's. You hear about power couples and I think it's bull. It's either people in a relationship of convenience (Hillary and Bill) OR some sort of weird balancing act that only exists in a perfect world.

The math works out like this:

Type A + Type B = Power wife and Mr. Mom

Type A + Type A = devizzzle

Maybe it's because I say no and I argue and always think I'm right. Maybe it's because I'm so used to answering only to myself that I give off this "I am not one to be fucked with"-vibe. Maybe I just seem scary because I refuse to be something I'm not.

Or maybe it's all my problem. Maybe I am bound to end up with a lame-ass girly-man who lets me run the show and never challenges me. God I hope not. I thrive on the challenge and I want to be led. I want someone to prove me wrong and show me that they can be the boss of me. I want someone to take control and show me how it's done rather than the other way around. I want a teacher and a leader and someone who wants me to be the same. I want the one I'm not supposed to, the one that let me down (just under different circumstances). I wish I could go back in time and change some things and find a way to make it happen rather than giving up. I wish I had never had found out what he did but I would be delusional if I wasn't somewhat relieved that I have.

Since none of that is possible, I'm left to figure out where I'm going and what the hell I'm taking from all of this. I'm a getting stronger? Am I learning more about myself? Because lately I just feel lost, like I've been on the shelf for a while and if someone doesn't notice me soon I might expire. Life is happening all around me but it's not happening to me. Essentially, except for my job and number of sexual partners, I am in the same place I was four years ago. Sitting here, on the laptop, staying strong and still chasing the boys away, one weenie at a time.

Or maybe I just need to learn how to be the neck and learn how to keep control without letting a guy know I have it. Maybe I need to compromise and ease up. (I can think of three people who will scream: DUH! to this.)

So am I destined to marry someone who will be my bitch for the rest of my life or will someday, someone find my sense of self and opinions exhilarating and fun? Or am I just a hot mess who is confused with how the world works? Or someone who is obviously overlooking the right guy for her (this I don't think is true)? Or, gulp, am I just someone who was meant to be alone and live a more solitary life? Only time can answer those questions for me, but if this theorem works out...the girly-men of NYC better watch out.

Really?

2008-02-22T14:55:00.002-05:00

How much worse can the spelling get on Flavor of Love? Season 1 it was funny, Season 2 it was redic. and now it's just horrid.

So examples:

DYMZ
Grayvee
Seezinz
Myammee
Shore-Tee
Sinceer

If you can read these you have been watching this show for way too long.